Alistair Barrie - Supreme Dictator for Life of the World: Noli Esse Cvnt

[00:00:05] Hello and welcome to The Tyrant In Training Podcast, I am Kevin Ryan. This podcast has a guest on each week to be the tyrannical ruler of their own people. Today's guest is UK comedian Alistair Barrie. Here are some out of context quotes from Alistair about what he thinks life is all about. When I walked on stage I'd go hello and they'd be like about fucking time. Oh well that toilet was very clean. I fucking hate being told what to do. I like to do what I want to do and I think what I do is best and it's right and I will argue with anyone about anything.

[00:00:33] Oh someone found a swarm of bees in their nostril. I don't think democracy works. You can find Alistair on his own Blue Sky account and he's also frequently a pundit on Times Radio, Radio 4 and 5 Live. Also if you're into food and blogs Alistair has his own food blog that you can google for which is foodponds.com. And this Tyrant In Training Podcast has a website as well which is tyrantintraining.podcast page and I'm on Blue Sky, Treads, TikTok and Instagram.

[00:01:01] Of course if you want to subscribe and listen to more episodes of this silly comedy podcast you can do it on Spotify, YouTube, Apple Podcast, Podcast Addict and everywhere else that lets podcasts live in peace. So thanks for listening to this one. Thank you very much Alistair for joining me. You are, I've seen you on, you're on Blue Sky now right? I am indeed yes, I left Twitter because of that guy. Yeah, yeah.

[00:01:26] Yes, I'm on Blue Sky and which is much more fun than Twitter became. So I've, yes, I've still got my Twitter profile there. I haven't actually completely left but I haven't used it since I came away the day after the American election. Oh really? Yeah. I had it for the podcast and I just got rid of it because I was like, do you know what, it's an extra thing I have to post on. Yeah.

[00:01:52] And also for, I mean, I don't know, but I'm, I don't know the podcast well enough to say this, but I feel confident I'm right in saying that it's not particularly Nazi. And basically unless, I mean, I'm sure they come up, they get everywhere. They come up twice as a terrorist, but yeah.

[00:02:08] But literally, I found this very much for, you know, we live in a world of posting clips as a stand-up and posting stuff on Twitter was just becoming pointless because an algorithm, you know, when you've got the guy in charge who makes the main point of the algorithm to push his own mad bollocks and genuinely unfunny tweets, it's pointless. And for work it became pointless. The reach is pointless. And also it's just unpleasant, really.

[00:02:36] What I was wondering, you see, is if you were in charge, like, like Musk is in America, let's be honest. But if you're in charge of your own country, is there any website in the world now that you would take over? It doesn't necessarily like you would have to make it a propaganda tool, but would you take over a website like they've taken over like Twitter or, you know? Oh, God, yeah. Definitely. Massively. I would take over.

[00:02:59] I mean, this is the problem, again, with websites is they're not defined to a country, which slightly undoes the premise of your question. Because this is the greatest problem we have is these ludicrously wealthy people who make their money going, yeah, we're not we're not in England. We're not an island. We're not in America. We're everywhere. And so, you know, like Amazon goes, well, no, we don't pay tax because we're actually a small we're a small office in Lichtenstein.

[00:03:28] And you go, but we all do it. I mean, we've all got an Amazon habit that we don't particularly want, but it's so fucking huge. And the thing about this is going back to being a cyber immigrant. When buying stuff on the Internet first came along, everyone's like, oh, I'm not. No. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't trust that. I wouldn't put my bank details online. Exactly. Which is one of the reasons Amazon's returns policy is so good, because they knew that they had to be able to. Like if someone got something, it's not what I wanted.

[00:03:58] They if it was a fuss to get it back, they know they just never come back. However, if you just go, I don't like it. And you get a label and you put it back. And oh, oh, that was easy. That actually returning stuff makes you more likely to want to go and use it again. So they're very easy to use. Amazon is very good in that respect. Terrible on lots of fronts.

[00:04:20] But I mean, to me, it seems so clear that loads of people buy shitloads of stuff on Amazon. I do all the time. Yeah. It's clearly bought in the country. So tax it in the country as a sale in the country. It shouldn't go to it. But the thing is, then Amazon will go to Trump and go, right, you're going to do this. And so, you know, you can't do it in the country. Facebook is I mean, Facebook's so mad.

[00:04:48] I've got I've done quite a few clips recently that have gone a bit vile. I've just done one about my granddad isn't autistic. He's dead a long time ago. But yeah, it's a very short clip that's just done two million views in the last few days. And so I kind of need Facebook for my work. True. Yeah. But, you know, like the what's it called? The meta workspace or whatever.

[00:05:14] And it's just I mean, if I was a rocket scientist, I could probably work out the you know, well, I just want a little simple social media platform where I put my clips up and I can chat to my friends. But everything has to be more than that. Twitter. The problem with social media generally is it needs some form of overview. And that's why I take over.

[00:05:35] But then, you know, then you end up with your own, you know, government, government agreed computer social media and everything's very boring. So it's it's a tricky balance. But unless there is some oversight to the Internet. Shit. Deep shit. And you think if you were running a country, you would be like, OK, and by the way, if you're running a country, the people who are on that island, they know what they're getting into.

[00:06:02] It's not like they wake up one morning and suddenly you're in control of things and they're like, hey, what's going on? So would you kind of set out straight away to the people? Listen, there's going to be oversight. I am going to be watching what's going on or my government will. Or would you try to present yourself at least as very. No, you can do what you want. I'm not interfering. No, no, I'm not. This is the thing.

[00:06:22] I have a very strong streak of agreement with libertarianism in that I fucking hate being told what to do. I like to do what I want to do. And I think what I do is best. And it's right. And I will argue with anyone about anything. However, I'm not so stupid that I don't realize that people get shit wrong a lot of the time. And that is the problem with libertarianism. It's like, just leave me alone and it'll be fine.

[00:06:52] It's like, well, you know what? We can't just leave people alone because then they'll drive at 150 miles an hour and knock people over. I don't like driving my car at 20 miles an hour in central London. It's become very clear that less people are dying and the air is better as a result. Yeah. So if you want to sit there and go, yeah, but I want to drive at 40 miles an hour. Okay. But you're not part of society. So it's only society goes at the pace of the slowest walker. Well, yeah.

[00:07:20] But then the slowest walker is such a pain in the ass as well, isn't it? That's the problem. Yes. But this is the thing. It's something, you know, I mean, I think it always comes back to the simple rule of life, which is don't be a cunt. So that's your kind of my, if I'm on an island as a supreme dictator for life of the island, that's my, I mean, if we could find what don't be a cunt is in Latin just to make it look a bit more, you know, respectable, possibly that would be the way to go.

[00:07:49] But, you know, if you've got a social media channel on my island, then share what you want. And if you want to disagree with someone, you disagree. But if you say to them, oh, apparently if you drink water from that stream, you're going to poison yourself. So don't. And then that leaves them without water. You'd be in a cunt. By the way, I did check up the English translation. I mean, I'm using Google Translate. I was going to say, I don't imagine you had it.

[00:08:18] I mean, I know you come from a Catholic country, but if you had the Latin at your fingertips that easily, I would be interested. I do have the word for a cunt of the top man. And it is cunt. But don't be one is noly essay cunt. So there you go. You can have that on your flag. Say that again. Noly essay cunt. But also, wouldn't cunt, we could maybe do cunt with a V instead of a U to make it look a bit. Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, we've got, see, already.

[00:08:48] We've got. Already the main thing is done. We've got a motto. The motto for the country. Supreme leader or supreme dictator of the world. Sorry? Sorry. Yeah, I was going to say your official title for yourself. What would you have? Well, you see, this is, again, something I was thinking about this morning.

[00:09:09] I, what you're, because it's basically a podcast about being in charge of the world is kind of like, it's the most common fantasy. And it's weird when you get someone like Boris Johnson, who literally from the age of, you know, bugger all, wanted to be world king.

[00:09:28] And I mean, it speaks to some deeply worrying psychological problems that that man has, that he kind of pursued it to the extent, pursued it for its own ends, not because he wanted to do anything with it. And if you read up, I mean, there's a brilliant book on Johnson at 10 by Anthony Selden and another guy whose name I forget. And he's written. 10 now is to address, not the age, just for people who aren't. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:09:58] Well, he's done May at 10. He's won Liz Truss one. Yeah, yeah. He's a fascinating bloke, this guy. And he's written these brilliant books. They're very fair handed, very even handed, almost more damning because of how even handed they are. And the extent to which Johnson's, like, madness of like, I'm the fucking Fuhrer.

[00:10:21] And when I say, actually, Dominic Cummings this week said, as he was leaving, that Johnson said to him, you're probably right. And I've fucked up everything and made fucking terrible decisions. But what's the point of being fucking king if you can't make the wrong fucking decisions? And I'm like, that's the entire point of being fucking king is you try and make the right decisions. That kind of insistence on I want to be in charge is a very human impulse.

[00:10:50] But you need to question why you want to do it. And surely we go back. We should go back to altruism and that Douglas Adams idea that anybody wants to be in charge shouldn't be allowed. Absolutely banned immediately. Musk, Johnson, Trump, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then I also thought of a cartoon I've always loved, which is Calvin and Hobbes. I've heard that name. I've never Calvin and Hobbes. I've heard the name.

[00:11:18] A brilliant, brilliant cartoon by a guy called Bill Waterston, I think, about a kid who would very much these days be diagnosed with ADHD. And he's called Calvin and his pet tiger, Hobbes, which in his mind is alive. And so everything he does is imagined as being with his best friend. The two of them doing that. Yeah. And it's so good. Honestly, even though I'm 53, I would still sit down and read them.

[00:11:48] They're so funny, so wise. He's and yet just, you know, it's got everything. It's got the parents who are just had enough. There's the child who's absolutely unbearable, but also absolutely brilliant. And, you know, it's a thing about imagination, basically, the power of imagination. But in it, he imagines himself as a spaceman called Spaceman Spiff. And he imagines himself when he gets in a cardboard box, it suddenly becomes a time machine and he goes to places because his imagination is so vivid. Yeah.

[00:12:18] The other main character in the comic strip is a character who's a great creation of his imagination. And he says, when I'm supreme dictator for life of the world. And that's where I got that from, because I've always. So you're going off the counter. I'm going to go with Calvin on this. If I can't if I can't have the same ambitions as as a hyperactive five year old, I don't see what the point of the world is. So it's supreme dictator for life. Life of the world. Yeah. We'll go with that. Perfect. And everyone has to say that and call you that when they meet you.

[00:12:47] No, God, no. They call me out. Oh, OK. They just call you out. They don't sing the song because that would really annoy me. The Al song. Is this one they've made up? You can call me out by Paul Simon. I'm very bad at music. I can call you Betty. Yes. Betty, when you call me, you can call me. I think if I'm going to be a dictatorial at all. The thing is, I love Paul Simon. But that song. Just that song.

[00:13:13] You know, like, I don't know if you have anything with, for instance, Kevin, the teenager. From the Harry Enfield shows. I go, you know, oh, God. You know, I get. I got a lot of Kevin in Home Alone. Yes. Like, any time I'm on a plane, someone will go, Kevin. Yeah. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get. You can call me out. And it's just like. I mean, it's one of those things that happens to comics a lot. They kind of go, oh, oh, you can use this when you're in a ludicrously unfunny social situation. Oh, I bet this will.

[00:13:43] This will go into one of your sketches. And you're like, right. They're not called sketches. And I'm not going to use it because it's not funny. And well, someone's a bit touchy for somebody who's meant to be funny. Yeah. But is that. And you can call me Al is it's just a song that people go, oh, it's. And you go, oh, fucking hell. So, yeah, if we're going to make some sort of arbitrary rules, we can ban that song. Although. So if a foreign if a foreign diplomat comes in and says, oh, nice to meet you, Supreme Dictator for life of the world.

[00:14:13] And you say, oh, you can call me Al. And they light up as they're about to say. You are exiled from the from the kingdom. Yeah. I do know. Again, don't be a cunt. So if he's trying to be nice. You know, I'll go. I'll play along with it. But I think, you know, if I'm allowed to go. The goal she had just got harder. Well, I think you got it. I'll be nice about it. But if I don't want it playing regularly in the background, I wouldn't miss that song.

[00:14:41] Although, funnily enough, a friend of mine, comedian Kerry Marks, great, great comedian, was driving along the other day, he told me. And he was listening to Paul Simon live in Central Park. And you can call me Al came on on the other. And Siri on his phone went, now calling Al Barry. And started calling. Oh, God. Yeah, that's haunting you.

[00:15:11] That's another nature of the Internet ruining our lives. You know what? You can use that in a sketch. You didn't think of that. Terminate this podcast. This podcast is over. No. OK, so Supreme Dictator for Life of the World is just on official government forms. But they can call you Al normally. Yeah. Do you have any idea what to name? Actually, before we get to name your country, I'm going to figure out where we put your country.

[00:15:37] Because in this podcast, we don't take over a country and have you lead it. We just poof an island into existence. And that's your country. This is the part where the last recording collapsed. But it was on a different laptop. So I'm going to assume if I share screen, which should be here. And then I say, there we go. So you're in that window. Then you should be able to see a map of the world.

[00:16:06] I can't at the moment, but I'll see if I can. Let me look at my screen, my view. Let me go share again. And then it'll seamlessly. Oh, there we go. Yeah. Now. So you've started screen share. All right. So where do I want to be? So it's basically what type of weather do you want to be living in? Yeah. No. Well, obviously I want warm, but not mental warm. You'd want down here.

[00:16:31] I mean, to be honest, I quite like, I mean, the place I've been that I love the most is probably New Zealand. And so because they've got like they've got the hot, but they've also got the cold. And I'd like I'd like seasons. Yeah. Somewhere in the middle. Yeah. Yeah. Somewhere in the middle. You're not worried about like, is this where the ring of fire is? Somewhere around here. I think that's a Johnny Cash song. That's I think he visited here and he got the song.

[00:16:57] Is there a ring of fire where there's like basically a lot of volcanoes around there? Well, in the sea. In the sea. Yeah. Oh, well, I mean, a bit of a bit of nothing wrong with a bit of extra scenery, is it? There's Helens, Mount Rainier, Mount Hood and Medicine Lake are part of the ring of fire and have been volcanically active for the past 13 million years. So if you want to be near them, that'd be great. You get plenty of cold. Yeah.

[00:17:25] But I mean, I just I'd like I'd like to be somewhere where it's nice and hot in the summer. There's a bit of winter, but not too cold. I'm presuming. Yeah. So if you put it in like nicely put in between Victoria of Australia and New Zealand. Yeah. But there'll be a lot of people fly. I reckon a lot of people flying overhead. So what I would do is I'd put me above Auckland. Brisbane's fucking hot, isn't it? I'd go. Yeah. About there. About that. Yeah. About there. Yeah. Just wondering. So we can put you around there. Now, usually I say there is 10 million people on your island.

[00:17:54] Is that too much? That's a lot of people to fit. That's a lot of people to fit on that island. Oh, we're going to kind of bullshit this and say that no matter how many people is on your island, there's plenty of room. It's nice and spacious. Oh, I was going to say maybe if you want to go to the right of New Zealand, that would be a good idea. So we're just doubling that around here. We're just doubling that next to it. No one will be watching. Next right to it. Yeah.

[00:18:22] We're taking the New Zealand people and we're cloning them as well. Yeah. We're doubling up. Okay. Lovely. So while we put your island there, and don't worry, all the plumbing, all the electricity, that's all magically done. Good, good, good. Do you have any idea what name you would call the island? Oh, you see, that's a tricky one. I just thought about that. And the fact that it is an island, right, I think is interesting because if you were

[00:18:47] to read Jean-Jacques Rousseau's The Social Contract, which is a very famous philosophical work, which like most very famous philosophical works, be it, you know, the Communist Manifesto or whatever, imagining a kind of, or utopia by Thomas More and spot the man who did philosophy a level. It's got lots of great ideas in it and quite a lot of bollocks.

[00:19:15] But the one thing about Rousseau, well, not the one thing, there was a lot about Rousseau that I liked, but the one thing I always liked that he said, if you get, if it's going to work, the world needs to be made up of small nation states, because if it's too big, there's just, you can't, you can't rule it well. And it, you know, there's too many opinions. And while you're at one end of the country, so he wanted, and I think, was it Malta was the perfect example for him of the sort of size of place?

[00:19:45] Oh, geez. He wanted it small. Yeah. Well, he wanted it small, but obviously we've got 10 million, but we've got, you know, we've got what we've got. So I think, I think Rousonia would be quite good. Rousonia? Why not? So R-U-S-S-O-N-I-A. That's just, that's a perfect countdown.

[00:20:17] Letters to give on countdown. Good, well, there you go. And also, I mean, massively pretentious, which I think would suit my... Just an air of, yeah. Would suit my rule. Perfect. Okay, we're going off with the pretentious supreme dictator for life. Well, I think Rousonia, but then with don't be a cunt as the motto, it's a nice kind of balance. It does. Yeah, because someone could go, mate, you called it Rousonia. You're the cunt. But I don't know. That's true.

[00:20:46] Okay, I like that even, even Kiel. When you said about how, how the country doesn't need to be too big and it's really hard to manage the government if it's too big. But when I asked this question, I usually give people kind of two options. It's not quite as open. So if there's 10 million people on the island, would you allow them to vote for a Senate of 100 senators who look after the everyday foreign kind of parts of government? You have ultimate say.

[00:21:14] Or would you say to your 10 million citizens, there's no voting. You have just an inner circle of 10 people who look after it. You decide who those 10 people are. Either way, your citizens would be happy. No, no, no. You see, what we come to now is my basic problem with democracy. It doesn't work. It's an absolute disaster. And what we have now is this bizarre system based almost entirely on some sort of X factor

[00:21:44] Britain's Got Talent system, which is basically a popularity contest. You know, Bill Clinton gets up and plays the saxophone. People go, yeah. He's brilliant. American president. They don't want someone who knows what they're doing. They want what's happened now disastrously. And this is very snobby. But as I'm going to be supreme dictator for life of the world, I'm allowed to be a snob. Basically, the powerful have mobilized the stupid.

[00:22:13] That's the problem we have, because those people go, yeah, tariffs would be a great idea. He knows what he's doing. He's a businessman. You go, he inherited 400 million from his dad, which he spaffed up the wall, tied everything up into sort of basically legalities. That means he's a serial bankrupt. He's an abject disaster as a businessman. What he is, is he's very cunning. He's got a sort of nose for what works.

[00:22:41] He's hateful shit all the time. You know, whether it's doing an impression of a disabled person or actually sort of putting transphobia in law or racism or whatever else he does. And there's people go, yeah, well, there are only two sexes armed with him. And you just you're mobilizing horrible people. So it's a popularity contest. That's the terrible trouble with American politics is the amount of money you can spend on a camera. Yeah.

[00:23:12] Similarly, over in over here, we've got, you know, Starmer paying heed to the mail and, you know, Farage, who's never had a fucking policy idea in his life becoming popular because, yeah, he tells it like it is. Pin Farage down on any detail and he's got no idea. So I don't think democracy works. However, I don't think dictatorship works either, even if it is a benevolent dictatorship. Yeah. Even if Al is in charge.

[00:23:40] I think what you need is that again, go back to that Brexit thing. Oh, well, I think people have had enough of experts. No, no. I want experts. We need experts to help us. And if what we get is information relayed to us in a sensible, objective way, different points of view, you can make an informed decision.

[00:24:05] So my plan to replace democracy as it is presently constituted is a kind of jury service kind of system. Oh, yes. People are, you know, you're not in charge of the government now, but you are, you know, it's your civic duty to come and be part of, you know, let's call it a citizens assembly. That's the kind of phrase that's often used.

[00:24:31] And we will get a wide range of experts acknowledged in their field who will massively disagree. But you will then make a decision in this committee with some other people who've been brought forward for what is the best way forward. And we will come to a decision that is reached by a coalition of opinions. I quite like this.

[00:24:59] Do you know what I would love to do with that as well? If it just apply it to the world. Yes, I'd apply it to the world. But for the person who comes along doing their their civilian duty, their jury duty or whatever, before they can kind of start. Because if they're listening to the experts, right, so they listen to the experts about some sort of issue and the experts all have different opinions on how to actually proceed with it.

[00:25:22] Before that everyday man puts in his two cents, they should have to do an exam on what they just heard. They can't just sit there and not listen and then go, oh, just put on a tariff. And you're like, you didn't listen to any of that. Did you understand what was being said? That's fine. Yeah. But you shouldn't. It's fine. I think I think that's. I think that's fair enough. I mean, because, again, you come to that position where you end up again.

[00:25:49] It's snobbery of going, well, you are just not clever enough to make decisions about something like this. But having said that, if someone's not listening or they don't give a shit, then they're just going up. So I think some form of, you know, I would say generally. Anyone can be made available for jury service. Let's call it jury service for this. Yeah. For the purpose of this. But that doesn't mean that everyone should be automatically.

[00:26:20] But I think as a general rule of thumb, when you're looking after the people and you have to offer out the ability of self-determination to the widest number of people. So, you know, but if you're. Well, hang on. So now as I say that, I was about to say, you know, if you're an alcoholic drug addict with, you know, then I went, hang on. But then actually, I've met quite a lot of alcoholic drug addicts who are quite sensible in other ways. So, yeah.

[00:26:48] If you're going to do some laws about drugs and alcohol, their opinion is probably quite valid. I think your idea is the way forward. Yeah. Some sort of test on what you've just heard so that you at least we know you're coming from a position of having paid attention. Yeah. Like 20 questions as long as you get 12 or 13 right. I think that's a fair system. You're fine. You don't need to be an expert on it. Excellent. Yes. Cool. Love it. Love it. I'll ask you some one or two fun questions. What type of house do you want to live in?

[00:27:18] Oh, what type of house do I want to live in? Do you want to mention a palace? No, I'd like a nice house. I'd like a nice house with enough space for me and my family and a garden. I'd like a pool. I would like a pool. Yeah. A good pool, no. Not just a... A good pool. Not overly special, but a decent, you know, 25 meters at least. Yeah. So you can do a proper length and, you know, do you know that thing?

[00:27:47] If you ever go somewhere with a pool and you're like, I can get some lengths and get a bit of fitness. And it's 10 meters. And you go, I can't do lengths of that. That's just ridiculous. Yeah. And... When I was in... I was in Portugal years ago. I didn't learn how to swim until very... Until I was an adult, right? Right. And I was in the swimming pool and it was too cold for my fiance. So she was sitting out just reading a book. The water was too cold for her. And I was in the swimming pool going up and down learning how to swim.

[00:28:17] And then another couple jumped in. And this couple was a very attractive couple. Good luck to them. I hope they have a happy life. But then they started, like, kissing while I'm struggling, splashing, going past them back and forth. Like, they were being so intimate. And they were killing my learning time. And I refused to leave. Just splashing, going, you'll help. But, you know, we all do that, don't we?

[00:28:41] I mean, I was on stage on last Saturday and the MC got stuck in a train. The train was delayed. And I had another gig. So I was like, we've got to start. So I had to go on and MC myself and do the first spot. And literally, I was just... All the front row was three separate groups of women, which is fine. But then I just literally, boom. And there was a couple sat there. And it was just like, oh, you're just annoyingly good looking, aren't you? Yeah.

[00:29:09] She was very glamorous, kind of, you know, lime green trouser suit, blonde hair, quite, you know, quite sexy. And he was like, you know, like a bit of a silver fox with an undercut and a kind of... And they both sat there with the absolute confidence of people who knew that they were pretty good looking. And obviously, as a result, I spent the first 10 minutes tearing them a new one. But did they take it well? Because I bet you the thing is they have a personality. You can't even go away going, yeah, but I bet they're...

[00:29:39] Do you know what? They've been together 18 years. They had two kids. They weren't married. He worked in sales in IT. She had her own street food business. They were just a nice couple of people. They were lovely. That sounds really nice. But also, you know, you're a comedian in a room full of people on a Saturday night in Windsor of all places. So you're kind of going, would you do sales? Oh, IT? Oh, you probably created her with a mouse. Because that's what you do in club comedy. Yeah.

[00:30:04] But no, but also, but I think that's also, that's to do with comedy is you find a weakness and you exploit it. But you also do it with a generosity of spirit. If you don't do that, then you're being, you're just going, fucking good looking people. You make me sick. You can do that once. But then if it becomes apparent that you are on stage, like, you know, if you're swimming in the pool going, look at these people. We can all understand that.

[00:30:31] But if you know, you can go throw a drink over them. You go, all right, well, that's, you've gone from being understandably annoyed to overreacting. So, again, it's all about. Yeah, no, I spent my time just waving at my fiancee, who was just being like, hey, I'm doing well. Yeah. And then pointed to a really attractive couple going, that's what you could have won. In my head, it's the same couple. You know what I mean? I'm just, I can't remember what they looked like. I remember they were good looking, but.

[00:30:59] There's just, there's just one good looking couple who wander around the world. Just, you know, whether it's in Portugal or a little kind of comedy club in Reading, they're just, they turn up bastards. Equally attractive. Anyway. Okay. Are they allowed on your island? Oh, wait. No, we were saying about your house. Oh, my house. Yeah. They're not allowed in the pool. So you want a fancy swimming pool. I don't want a fancy swimming pool. I just want a swimming pool. Thing is, my needs.

[00:31:24] I think this is, it's a bit of me that goes, because I've never known. So I've never been put in a position. But when you look at, you know, people go, money doesn't make you happy. And you go, yeah, but not worrying about money probably cheers you up quite a lot. Or certainly, it's almost like it's not so much that money makes you happy. It's that not making, not having money makes you unhappy.

[00:31:51] And I've often thought, as many people do, you get into that little daydream of if I won the lottery. You actually go, well, what is there to buy that I haven't got? Like, for instance, I collect watches. I love watches. Always have. And every now and then I spend a bit of money. I bought this, like I said, lovely William Wood piece. Yeah. And I bought it. It was not cheap, but it's not thousands of pounds either. It was three figures. And I like watches.

[00:32:20] But if I suddenly was, you know, given a hundred million pounds, would I go out and buy one of those one million pound watches that Mark Zuckerberg's got? No, I don't really want something weighing that much on my hand. So it's a different world. And I think, you know, there's been research done into people who've won the lottery. And it says, yeah, do you know what? Unsurprisingly, generally, they're a bit happier because you've had the worry taken away. And if you like cars, you can go and buy a Ferrari.

[00:32:50] You can go and do a few. And I think, you know, I like cars. I would probably go, you know, I would probably get myself a Ferrari or something like that because I like, I'd like to be able to have one. Be nice to have one. But would I want, you know, I had some friends in the States who were, you know, properly wealthy and their grandfather had a hanger he'd bought for his Corvette collection. And I was a bit like, Jesus, would you really?

[00:33:19] But if that's your thing, that's your thing. Maybe you've earned it. No one's saying you can't do it. But, you know, I have a lovely little house, which is back up there. It's three bedroom. It's a bit tight with two kids, but I really like it. But would I like, would I like a mansion? No. What I'd quite like is enough money that the bloke who lives in the house next door, if he left, I could buy his house and turn it into one. That wouldn't be that financially sensible. But I don't want a mansion. I don't want.

[00:33:47] But then, you know, if I had a hundred million pounds, would I want a mansion? I don't know. But my country, would you have a room full of watches? Would that be a big room? No, I'd have a few watches because I've got it. I've got a few watches. But half the fun of it is that I got this watch that I'm talking about for half its price because it was secondhand. And I quite, I mean, I buy all my clothes these days. I love wearing suits. I wear suits on stage. And I like good suits.

[00:34:16] And I wear a lot of Westwood suits that cost like twelve hundred quid or whatever. But I don't buy any of them new because I like being able to go. I got this twelve hundred quid suit for two hundred. And I still don't think being supreme dictator for life of the world would change that. What's the fun? You like a deal. What's the fun of walking into Vivian Westwood's boutique on the island and going, bring me that one and that one and that one.

[00:34:44] And I'll have them all for free or I'll have them all for twelve hundred pounds, but I'll just pay a little petty cash. No. So would people see on your island the supreme dictator for life of the world or walking into shops haggling? Like that would be. No, I don't like haggling because I don't know. No, I don't think so, because that would not be a good look. I don't think necessarily for the supreme dictator. I mean, if you're out for a deal. But on his eBay account, which would probably be there, some form of eBay would be allowed.

[00:35:13] Under an assumed name, he would continue to do bids and, you know, see what he can do. It's been fun. Yeah. OK. OK, do I do have to ask. So is there any unusual list that Rousonia would be on top of of the world? So I don't mean like the best health care or the best, you know, education. But is there any unusual list that Rousonia would find itself top of in the world?

[00:35:38] I think I would like to say it could be anything, any list of anything. Could be any sort of like when I say unusual list, like something that isn't, as I said, just like the richest or the happiest. I just what I was going to say, I was going to say sort of citizen contentment, which does sound terribly Orwellian. But I. It sounds forced, all right? Yes, it does. What is your citizen contentment rating?

[00:36:08] Pull up your pull up your socks. You're nine. No. Yeah. No, I don't think they would, because I think a lot of those things. I mean, I have a big routine at the moment about there was a survey last year that said that Britain was the second most miserable nation on the planet. There was one in 2009 that said we were the most miserable nation in Europe. And I've got a whole thing about how Britain quite likes being miserable. And yeah, because I did that. I was doing a bit about it in America, in New York. And I said, oh, survey out. This is years ago.

[00:36:38] I said, survey just apparently with the most miserable nation in Europe. And an American response was like, oh, my God. I think if you said it in Ireland, if you said Ireland was the most miserable nation in the EU, they'd be like, no, we're not. But if you said Ireland likes a good fucking moan, they'd be like, ah, yes, we do. So I think all of these surveys that you get are almost just like to fill up time. They're a bit like I'd like to think you might be the least surveyed nation.

[00:37:07] The least surveyed country or the most sceptical. Well, due to be more sceptical. OK. Yeah. Very good. Yeah. I like that. I mean, on a sort of more practical level, have you noticed the way that in recent years, again, since the sort of arrival of the Internet, every time you make a purchase, every time you get a fucking parcel delivered, they go, how was it for you? You go, well, it arrived.

[00:37:28] You know, it's like, I mean, my friend Dominic Holland always had a good bit about his electricity supply going, you know, are you happy with your electricity supply? And he goes, well, it's pretty quick. You know, you press the switch and it comes on. And I always love that joke.

[00:37:45] And I think that's the thing about, you know, I almost make a policy of not answering any of these surveys because as far as I'm concerned, the one truth is that customer service has markedly deteriorated since you started having to tell everyone what you thought of customer service. You know, we are experiencing a very high volume of calls. Well, put more fucking people on the call centre then as opposed to, you know.

[00:38:13] So, yeah, I think the least surveyed nation would be something that would add to the sum of human happiness on Rusonia. That's why you don't press the buttons on. Do you know when you go into like an Aldi or a Liddledale house and you're walking up the door, they have the faces. Are you happy with today's service? Very, all right. Do you know what? If I walk past one of those and I have had a particularly good interaction, I sometimes do. Like, oh, well, that toilet was very clean. Boom.

[00:38:40] But actually the whole idea of it, it's very rare I do that. Even then I slightly go, why did you do that? Because like so many things in the modern world, you're given the opportunity to do these things and you go, why should I have done that? Yeah. Why did I waste my time on that? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just feeding into, you know, the fact that I've actually said, well, it's a positive. It means that someone thinks it's a good idea to spread that to more places.

[00:39:08] Like yesterday, I very nearly attacked an automated till at the supermarket. And, you know, I sort of feel almost by using them, I'm encouraging that kind of behavior. I'd like to go. You said you almost attacked it. I almost attacked it. When I say encouraging that kind of behavior, I mean encouraging using it. Not the attacking. Not the attacking. Okay. I think everyone. Because I was there going, right, it won't accept my plastic bag that I've put down.

[00:39:37] But I, you know, again, I have to pay for my plastic. I have to bring my plastic bag, which is good. I know it's a pain in the ass, but I have to bring it so that we're not making extra plastic bags. And I'd buy one, so it was helping the planet. But then I put it on your fucking scale and it won't understand it's there. So I'm already getting angry. And then I've got my son who's dying for a wee, who then actually weed himself in Sainsbury's because I went, go to the loo. And he came back going, I didn't make it. Oh, and it's not his fault. So I'm like, no, that's fine.

[00:40:05] Meanwhile, it won't understand that I can't buy something. I can't remember what it was. And then, oh, it just, and then it wouldn't accept my card. And there's a woman who came out, a woman came over to me three times, by which point I was going, I was standing there angry with a child covered in piss going. Yeah. This would not have happened at a fucking till with a person. Yeah. It's going to be done so much simpler. Yeah.

[00:40:30] And I mean, it's hilarious now that if you've read this thing that they're now having to put a lot more people on the automated tills because the cost of living crisis means more people are shoplifting. And so it's not, but it's quite inefficient to do that. So, and you're just going, yes, the removal of human interaction is becoming a bigger and bigger problem, I think. Yeah.

[00:40:55] And the frustration as a result, you know, I did a show in Edinburgh years ago, 2004, where funnily enough, my ex-wife, who was from Cork, Irish, she was an actress. And she did a voiceover for me when she was very good at it. Yeah. And the voiceover was while the audience were coming in. And there was a song called Telephone Thing by The Fall, one of my favourite bands. Yes.

[00:41:24] And then there was her voiceover going, thank you. The show was called Choice. And it said, thank you for choosing Choice. Your show is being held in a queue and your comedian will be with you shortly. And then it would go back to playing the song. And then it would go, thank you for continuing to hold. Your attendance is important to us. And it was three minutes. And it was only there. I thought it was a really funny idea. It's only there as the audience came in. So something would have been playing.

[00:41:53] So they were actually getting extra comedy, I thought. But the thing is, and this is possibly slightly self-aggrandising, but she recorded it so well. And I had written it so well. But what I actually did was created an audience who were in that sort of feeling of fury. They were primed to... When I walked on stage, I'd go, hello. And they'd be like, about fucking time. Fuck it. Right.

[00:42:23] I have a problem with my phone. I had to change it. And a friend of mine, a great Australian comic, Steve Hughes, after about two weeks, just said, fucking change it, mate. All you're doing is fucking complaining about it. It doesn't work. Fucking change it. But I knew it worked. That's the thing. I knew it worked. It's just what working meant was different to what I thought working would mean. Jesus. Yeah, you had them riled up. I pissed them off. And it was a really... It was the worst Edinburgh I've ever done for a number of reasons.

[00:42:50] There was a big fuss that year because the Pleasance, one of the big venues, put a best-of show on at nine o'clock at night. So there was no audience. Because really established comedians were getting very little audience. I was playing to single figures in weekdays. Everyone was having a really tough time. And I compounded it. And the thing was, it just... It was a weird show because so much of the show had worked in the clubs and everything. And then just...

[00:43:19] Basically, I got off on the wrong foot with them. I was kind of in the back. But I was convinced it was a great show, but it just didn't work. And in the end, when you've done 28 shows and the majority haven't been great shows, you've got to take it on the chin and go, yeah, it wasn't a great show. I remember one show worked so well. And I came out and this woman just looked at me and went, that was exquisite. And I was kind of like, thank you. That's what I wrote.

[00:43:50] Thank you. I mean, come on. Actually, yeah, exactly. But one person getting it over a month ain't really what you need. And so, yeah, but I always remember that. Because I sort of didn't want to let go of it because I spent a lot of time writing and recording it. And it worked so well, it completely pissed off the audience. So I was going to say, one of the questions I was going to ask you was, and this might actually be it,

[00:44:17] is that you hear, maybe one of your advisors tells you, that a scandal is about to break out involving you. It's a light entertainment podcast. So, you know, it doesn't have to be entered in series. But the scandal is going to drop your approval rate. I thought you meant the scandal was a light entertainment podcast. Yeah, you actually perform a light entertainment podcast. You're going to be featured. Yeah, you know.

[00:44:41] That in this universe on Rusonia, your approval rating goes down from 94% to 71%. So people just aren't happy. It's kind of like in America when they had Barack Obama doing the tan suit. That was a scandal. So your advisor would say... Hang on, hang on. Wait, wait. Was that when they... When he had the tan suit? He wore a tan suit and they made a big deal about it. It's like when he wore a bike helmet and they're like, is that what you want from a president? Is that presidential?

[00:45:10] A man who wears a helmet, who's scared of falling off his bike. Yeah. Okay. Right, right. Yeah. So something like that. But your advisor would say, would you be willing to go on to nightly news? Sort of like a Frost-Nixon scenario, right? Sit down with the top journalist in the country and explain yourself, like, why you did this scandal. The great thing is you get to pick what the scandal is. Well, you see, the thing is I'd probably turn up to the interview in a tan suit wearing a bike helmet. Right. And people would get...

[00:45:39] Do you reckon your citizens would get that reference? Would they be... Possibly not. Possibly not. No. Okay. So they're just like... But I think I would actually go back before I'm offered the, you know, the scenario that you have just sort of said. I think it's... I mean, one thing I always admired Roosevelt for was, like, fireside chats. And basically sitting down and going, I'm doing this because this. And that's why.

[00:46:08] And I think we've lost that. Now, if you look at... Go back to Johnson, actually, because it's such a great example during COVID. Like, him standing there going... The rule of... Is it... You just go, fuck off, mate. You made the rules. We didn't even know at that point how badly he was breaking them, but we could have guessed. Yeah. And whereas you saw Nicola Sturgeon, whatever you think of her, I don't care, was a much more kind of like, right, that's what we're doing. There we go. Da-da-da. La-da-da.

[00:46:38] And I quite like the fact... I mean, it was a... I had a tweet that went viral because I said, I'm really glad Nicola Sturgeon's... And I'd like Nicola Sturgeon to resign, not because I wanted to, but because Boris Johnson normally does the same thing two days later. So... And it went a bit viral. But that thing of talking to... You were talking directly to the people. Yeah, yeah. You know, when you watch Johnson do...

[00:47:06] I mean, it doesn't help that I despised him viscerally beforehand, but when he came on and went, we are going to have to stay indoors, I'm going to have to do this, blah, blah, blah, blah. It wasn't the fact... It was the fact that I already had no faith in him. But, you know, if you're... Every time you speak to the public, you're doing so in a formal setting to say you can't do something or you can't... Then I think you haven't got any communication. Whereas I think it would be an ongoing principle of my dictatorship

[00:47:35] that I had communication with my people all the time. Not all the time, because it's boring. No one wants to hear you that much. Yeah, yeah. The reason we've dug a new road on South Tip is because that was happening and that was happening. And explaining why things were happening. So that you wouldn't have a press that would go, oh my God, he's wearing a bike helmet. Oh my God, what a dick. Now, if I had then, you know, gone behind my wife's back

[00:48:04] and had an affair with the kid's babysitter, then that, you know, I would have to justify that. Or not justify, I'd have to own that. But you know... So are you saying that that's your scandal? I'm not saying that's my scandal. If I can pick my scandal, that is not my scandal. Okay, yeah, no, you can't, yes. But I am saying that I would have to face up to the realities of that. And I would presumably be saying,

[00:48:34] you know, my wife was a wonderful woman, but I fell in love with someone else and that's what happened. And judge me if you want. And a lot of people would think... Would judge. Would think less of me. Quite rightly. Quite rightly. And you have to wear that because you can't always be popular. It's not a popularity contest. However... But you'd be like, screw them. I don't care if they don't like me. I wouldn't be screwing me if they don't like me, but I would accept that... I would say that that probably had little bearing on my ability to be a decent dictator. But having said that, it's all about making decisions

[00:49:04] and that was a bad decision. So can you justify it? However, if I get to pick my scandal... Yeah, but I wouldn't. It's not a sex scandal? No, it's not a sex scandal. Okay. Money scandal. Yeah, but then if I... Well, because if I did something wrong, then I would have to... I would have to... Get money back. Yeah. But I mean, I wouldn't be wanting to...

[00:49:34] If I'm a supreme dictator for life of the world, in Rousonia... In Rousonia. I don't think I would want to fuck it up by pinching money from anyone. Do you think it's just something like you maybe have called someone a cunt that probably didn't deserve it? Like someone very popular in the country, popular celebrity that you went, they're a bit of a cunt and they went, hey, we love for some reason. Jake Paul. Yeah, I think that's...

[00:50:04] Okay, that'd be all right. That'd be fair enough. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I was... I made a joke that was, you know, not in good taste. It was bad. Yeah, just didn't sit well with whoever and yeah. Oh yeah. I called him a cunt. And I said... And as the man who coined the famous motto of Rousonia, which is, of course... Don't be a cunt. Oh, sorry. It's nolly, essay, cunt. Nolly, essay, cunt.

[00:50:33] Then I've been a bit of a one and I'm sorry. And then, yeah, I would fess up to that. That's fair enough. Yeah, very... I know I like the idea of just fessing up immediately. You don't need to sit down interview because they can be tough questions as well. So, oh, what seemingly... What everyday item in your world now do you want banned in Rousonia? Is there any pet peeve or anything you want banned you're like, oh, we don't need that? Oh, that's a very good one. Oh. Oh.

[00:51:04] What do I want back? See, I'm very tempted to say the microwave because I just don't like them. Oh, really? But actually... Yeah, I've always... It's a bit of that thing of going, you know, we never had them when I was a kid and all I seem to do is melt butter. Well, I just want to soften it. I just want to soften it. I don't want to pull the butter. But I have to be honest, I've got better with them and I kind of... So I can't ban the microwave. What item would I ban? Yeah, and I suppose

[00:51:33] I'll give you the other option as well of not just item but maybe a... You know, if you're saying like an action, like something that people do or an item. Basically, it's very open-ended. You can... Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, we've sort of had it already but I would definitely ban questionnaires. It's customer service questionnaires. That's... Oh, yes, yes. We've sort of covered that but I would... That would definitely be something I'd ban. I mean... So there's no exams in your country? Well, no exams. There's no exams in your country?

[00:52:03] Well, you can have exams but questionnaires are different. Yes, you're right. Sorry. Yes, yes. We'll make sure education's fine. No, definitely. It's all about education. I'm going to be very big on education so that people can make good decisions in... First lesson, the difference between an exam and a questionnaire. Yes, there is. There is. It's critical. Just thinking. You see, if my wife was here she'd be able to tell you a hundred things I fucking hate and now that I'm here going oh, I don't know. So what you're saying is you've never been happier than what you are right now

[00:52:32] on this podcast? Yeah. I loved enthusiasm. Yeah. That's fine. Yes! Yes! No, you know what? The thing is I would almost say computers because I'm so bad with them and I get so frustrated because I didn't grow up with them. All computers. And when something won't work it drives me fucking wild but at the same time I use them all day every day and we're using one now and it's great to be able to do it. So I can't say computers. I'm wondering... Hmm. No. I had a little thought there

[00:53:02] I go locks would be an idea but then that's just terribly hippie kind of thing. We just leave the doors open and actually sometimes you want to lock some shit up. So... Would it be like padlocks or would it just... No, I think that's just a sort of vaguely hippie thought that sailed into my head and I don't... There are... Oh, come on. I must hate some things that I really... Oh! Yeah. Got it. It's a bit...

[00:53:32] It's a bit specialised because I've almost just said it but Alexa. Alexa would be banned. Out of the door. And Siri and anything like that. Fuck Alexa. I fucking hate Alexa. My wife bought two going... It's great because we can have music in the house. Both of my children... I've literally have to argue with my children and Alexa and it drives me fucking insane. And they're going Alexa, play that. And I'm going no, we're fucking have breakfast. Shut up Alexa. Alexa, shut up. And honestly you've never seen me

[00:54:02] as angry as you've seen. I've very nearly threatened to literally smash it with a hammer a number of times. Alexa is banned. I mean Siri I'm not that wild about either. I'm not that wild about AI full stop because only only humanity could spend its entire history writing fables and stories about the creation of a power that could overthrow humankind whilst at the same time trying really hard to develop that technology. So

[00:54:32] I would not I can't say I'd ban all AI because I think that's too much of a sort of I don't really understand enough about AI and we use it all the time. But Alexa can fuck off. You're gone. Okay. Yes. Okay. Love it. We do have one though. But yes I love it. We get rid of We've got two. We I can't I can't even ban them in my own house mate. No. You know we did actually buy two. At Christmas I bought Celine one and Celine bought me one

[00:55:01] without realising and then her mother bought us one. So we got three in the one year. Do they talk to each other? No we we got rid of them. We separated them. Because my wife tried to get them to talk to each other and they don't and it's I'll leave you I'll leave you I'll leave you I have a question for you. This is just long-term planning. At a certain point you want to leave I know it said supreme dictator for life of the world but you have to plan your successor your heir right?

[00:55:31] No. When you're gone you're not going to plan it? No. I don't want an heir. I want to be the one who is why would I why would I share the glory? I want to leave a system that doesn't require a supreme dictator for life. Okay so when assuming at some point you're planning to be mortal and drop and dead yeah what happens to Roussounia then? They just go the system should be self-perpetuating and they go hey Al was the guy who kind of

[00:56:01] helped us form all this stuff but now you know and the citizens assembly says should we give him a state funeral? Yeah well I think we better do but why? What's the point? Like he's not going to who's going to care? Well they could just jump into the ocean and be like they could just jump into the ocean but you know what a nice funeral was a nice time for it. I went to my uncle's funeral a couple of weeks ago and it was a genuinely joyful occasion so yeah but I don't feel the need for a successor because what you're doing then really even though we said supreme dictator

[00:56:31] for life of the world it's a kind of tongue-in-cheek title which I hope people will recognise I don't think that if you have a successor then what you're creating is a monarchy okay yeah no I was going to say but wait the US isn't a monarchy by the time this comes out we'll see how that well yes exactly A we'll see how that this goes but B there is still something called an election and you can anoint a successor as you know I mean technically the democratic republic of North Korea is not

[00:57:00] a monarchy but they have had three people in a row in charge from the same family which sounds pretty monarchical to me that's fair okay so you were just saying look as soon as I'm gone you'll manage yeah hopefully we put things in place that are alright and the committee will carry on working in a good way okay well but the great thing is because supreme dictator for life of the world is too long a title I can just call you Al now again Al where do people find you online and offline and everywhere else online you'll find me

[00:57:30] on the usual socials it's Alistair Barry with an IE I'm not on Twitter anymore as we've established but I am on Blue Sky and I am on Instagram there's I put I'm on TikTok as well but I don't use I mean I put clips up on TikTok but if you want to follow me most information is usually TikTok or actually follow my Facebook page which is Alistair Barry or Alistair Barry Comedian if it's the full title

[00:57:59] but that's where you can find me and apart from that I tend to put I tend to put where I'm gigging on on those on those channels on a regular basis so you'll find me there I'll probably be touring next year and I'm also on Times Radio quite a lot and various other things and yeah social media go for your life perfect thank you very much and yeah everyone else thanks for listening and see you next week I assume bye absolute pleasure

[00:58:29] thanks for having me cheers thanks very much you