Amanda Graham: Protector of Artists and Keanu Reeves

[00:00:06] Hello and welcome to The Tyrant In Training Podcast. This podcast is an improv comedy podcast where each week we explore what sort of wonderful or woeful country our guests would create as its supreme ruler. I'm Kevin Ryan and I'll be acting as your host and also the sycophantic supporter of every guest no matter how terrible their ideas are.

[00:00:23] Today's guest is screenwriter Amanda Graham, and here is some out of context quotes from Amanda, otherwise known as Queen Amanda Panda Potts, Protector of Artists and Keanu Reeves.

[00:00:33] But I just think the ransom program, you know, it's fresh. It's exciting. It's memorable. And there are no losers. I buried Richard the third. It's about all of us being together, you know what I mean? All of us being grand old bastards together having a good old time and knowing that no matter what happens and no matter what kind of destruction HR has caused, we're going to overcome it.

[00:00:58] Please don't forget you can subscribe to the Tyrant In Training podcast everywhere you find podcasts so you can follow the podcast on social media at Tyrant Podcast on Twitter, YouTube, TikTok and Instagram. And for more info there's a website as well which is tyrantintraining.podcastpage.io

[00:01:19] Okay, so do you so your island is going to be full of swear words? Oh God, yeah. Would you name the country after swear word? That's a good question. I mean nobody ever does. Yeah.

[00:01:29] Yeah. I mean, I was going to name the island Creameria because everything is better when it's creamy, period. Right? And so cream of the crop that whole thing. Okay.

[00:01:40] Now you know what? Now you've got me thinking but if it's going to be a swear word, it needs to be something that's really out of harmony like I quite like the word fuck stick right? Like, he's just like, fuck stick.

[00:01:51] So maybe fuck steria or fuck stickier or something like that. I have to think about that for a minute. Okay, because it is the name of the island. So you really got to give it a little bit of thought.

[00:02:01] And also if you say like fuck stick, if you name that the island doesn't that lose the power of the curse word over a few years? Because suddenly it's not a curse word.

[00:02:11] That's true. That's true. Okay. Well, you know what? I'm going to have to bring I'm going to have to put it to the committee. So you're going to have a committee.

[00:02:17] Oh yeah. It's mainly a committee to do my bidding but that's right. Yeah, like I usually ask people you might see that whether they want people on their island to elect the Senate.

[00:02:28] No, there's no elections. No, no, no, no, no. There's no election. I've seen the way people have voted the last 14 years. I don't trust them with shit so no.

[00:02:36] And the people who are on your island they are happy with that like everyone's coming out of your island knowing the rules here.

[00:02:41] Because here's the deal Kevin like the people who would vote in the good way would I would have those policies anyways to see what I mean. So yeah, so they would just get it free and there you go.

[00:02:55] You know, because in my mind like people coming on to the island aren't coming on going oh I can't wait to vote on all these local elections and then you go no no there is none and they're saying oh my God I can't be like they know when they sign up to become the new citizen here

[00:03:08] they know like no we agree with Amanda it's not a you know it's not a surprise. So you have a council of like 10 people.

[00:03:16] Well, you know logistics. Yeah exactly you don't do the boring stuff. No, I don't do boring. So Amanda you what official title are you going to have then please.

[00:03:26] Oh yeah I've got an official title. Yes, I think queen is going to have to be me because you know that's just the way we should all inspire live our lives anyway it's right but like Queen Amanda Panda Pots protector of

[00:03:37] artists and Keanu Reeves. This is going to do hell for my SEO and I mean Amanda Panda. Amanda Panda Pots protector of artists and Keanu Reeves and Candy and Keanu Reeves. Oh and Keanu Reeves said candy vapes.

[00:03:57] Oh yeah I'll allow it. I mean you know you gotta let some people do the things they want to as long as it doesn't hurt other people or whatever.

[00:04:10] I actually quite like walking down the street where I live and smelling like a cupcake vape or something because usually it just smells like sadness and desperation and junkies so that's a nice little relief.

[00:04:24] Yeah, yeah so that's the sort of people you'll have on your island. People who are ultimately sad and. No, no, no, I just like to it would be nice to be in a place that smells lovely all the time.

[00:04:35] Yeah exactly yeah. Yeah. Okay so do I have this right and saying Queen Amanda Panda Pots protector of artists and Keanu Reeves and Candy Vapes. Some people have added it.

[00:04:45] Okay, I will never be able to fit that into the new episode with the grails. That's fine. You wouldn't go through like Empress or Goddess?

[00:04:56] It's so weird because there's a part of me that's very very old school. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And it's only a very small part but I have this obsession with medieval kings and queens.

[00:05:10] I buried Richard III like I was part of his rebarial. I've just obsessed with him so I would like to kind of be part of that little tradition.

[00:05:22] Yeah, the only tradition I want to be part of really but yeah. Yes, let's go a little old school. Why not? A little classic.

[00:05:27] I was going to ask who was your favorite like King then but it's Richard III. Oh God definitely Richard III. Really? Oh yeah. Love him. Love him.

[00:05:35] I forget. I'm actually really poor at it because I do quite like history but I'm really poor at remembering the British monarchy.

[00:05:43] Oh that's okay. Well mainly because he was so hard done by, he was a good king. He was so hard done by and then his throne was taken by the evil tutors.

[00:05:55] Oh yeah. Yeah. He could just fuck right off right? Yeah. And they created a lot of bad pain, right? Didn't they? You know they created a lot of bad pain.

[00:06:03] I'm a little bit aware. There's someone in America listening to this, not quite sure. Good okay so that's something we can agree on. So and Elizabeth I paid Shakespeare to write Richard III to besmirch his name and you know and create him to be this horrible person.

[00:06:21] So I'm just you know I'm picking him up. Yeah he's like an underdog in the history of kings. Absolutely. Actually because I've never thought about this but why if you have a British empire right? How come then the queen or king was never emperor or empress?

[00:06:38] That's a good question. I would guess because it was king and queen used in the Bible like that you know the Latin version and then the Greek version and the Hebrew version was king not emperor or empress so they probably just kept on.

[00:06:54] They just didn't want to. Yeah, yeah that doesn't make sense though. Okay so queen Amanda Panda Potts protector of, wait did I get that right?

[00:07:03] Artist and Kenneries. Yeah, protector of artists and Kenneries. I can't do you babes. And okay so do you have any idea or we can move on and come back to it about the name of your island?

[00:07:12] I'm gonna come back to it. Yeah. We'll do a full circle. We'll do an open loop. Yeah at the very end when you retire you can say by the way the name is.

[00:07:20] Yes I will give, I will bestow the name. Yeah. Oh it's like a secret. It's like yeah the people are coming on what are we to call ourselves?

[00:07:28] 100%. You gotta keep some mystery. Yeah. People love mystery. Because ultimately it doesn't matter what the name of the place is but because it's a secret people would be like no I have to live there to figure out what the name is.

[00:07:40] It's like the, what's it the some cost fallacy. I put too much into this I need to know the name. You don't even need healthcare in the country. But you really don't. You don't.

[00:07:51] You'll be fine. So as I said usually I make an island. I don't let people take over a country even though some people really want to. So how are you with geography?

[00:08:01] I'm pretty good despite being American. I'm pretty good. I didn't mention that you mentioned that. No I know. I'm very self aware. And I usually, no I only just usually put up a screen with a big map on it.

[00:08:15] Okay look at that. Yeah. See how weird would you put your island? Well here's the deal. My island is going to float. High up in the air like higher than every other.

[00:08:27] No I mean like it's going to move wherever I want it to. So because all islands have done that we're just going to be doing a little bit faster. So it'll move you know to keep well because of the weather and also to keep our income streams kind of flowing in quite nicely you see.

[00:08:45] So yeah I want a moving floating island. So where are you moving it? Because you're not going all over the world are you? Like you're not going around Africa.

[00:08:53] Well I'll say it depends. It depends on my mood. Oh so literally like how fast is this going? Is this going as fast as like a...

[00:09:01] Well I mean I think it's one of these things where ideally like say in the summer I would like the island so I want the island to look exactly like from Edinburgh all the way down because we're not allowed to annex real places.

[00:09:13] No no no. So it needs to be a replica of from Edinburgh all the way down to Lindisfar and to Holy Island that area okay. So we got the city, we got the lovely landscapes and everything else the water all that good stuff.

[00:09:29] But then so we'd be up like near there for summertime and then we would just kind of move you know south when it's...

[00:09:37] So but is this island like high enough off the ground or a ground level that it can pass over countries or is it you know just above water?

[00:09:47] Yeah because I think that would be unrealistic so it just goes if only it moves about 100 miles an hour in the you know let's say it takes like a month to migrate so slower than birds but it takes like a month to migrate to the place it will be for the winter.

[00:10:05] Right okay I tell you said 100 miles per hour I was like wait a minute is that nice? Well I did but then I thought about when hang on a second that's probably that's not wise. No that's done the motorway.

[00:10:14] Logistic problems that are gonna keep my council very busy. Yeah yeah yeah yeah maybe you have that option though like if you're suddenly in a war you can go let's get out of here I've done something wrong.

[00:10:26] I love that okay let's stick with that do you want to be part of my council? Well I'm just a vice in your head. Okay do you have an inner monologue generally some people don't. Oh yes yes yes yes yes I have one and she never shuts up.

[00:10:43] She's talking right now. Yeah she's like oh really are you saying that right now is that where you're going with that? Yeah it's like that all the time. Oh look at this look at that that's beautiful that plant is lovely it's like that all the time.

[00:10:54] Something that I'm confused about because generally when whenever you found out yeah some people don't have that like I was thinking that's crazy. But do you know what I'm thinking of then? Do you know if we were in X-Men universe? Yes.

[00:11:06] Do those people hear Professor X or Jean Grey talk to them? And if they do would they not be like what the fuck has gone on here because they've never experienced that?

[00:11:16] Unless the professor found a way to tap into the inner monologue like the hijack one that's already there. Activate that whatever is in your brain.

[00:11:25] Yeah but they'd still be like oh my god like it'd be like if you just suddenly learned how to fly they'd be like what's going on here this is a whole new world for me.

[00:11:34] See the thing is that if they're all of a sudden flying in things maybe they're not worried so much about where the inner monologue is coming from.

[00:11:40] Maybe they're focused more on oh my god I'm flying out what the hell is going on I can control lightning and everything this is new. But if you're Professor X and you go I want to speak to that person but I know they don't have an inner monologue.

[00:11:53] Couldn't he pretend to be their inner monologue because they would have never experienced because they could go oh my inner monologue sounds like Patrick Stewart. Like everyone else does.

[00:12:04] That's a good strategy you'd have to either do that or just take a marketing course so that he knows exactly what he's doing when it comes to social media and stuff. I mean it's just one of the other that's how you reach your audience.

[00:12:15] He's not doing at that age he's a what a boomer. He was in World War II for God's sake. Oh god yeah he probably can't open a PDF. Yeah okay let's forget about the marketing.

[00:12:24] Okay yeah that's what happened when you didn't answer the name of the country question. Okay what type of host do you want to live in in this floating island? I would like two houses. Winter mood is different to summer mood.

[00:12:42] So summer mood is a big huge bright like ceilings crazy ceilings like a like an American Victorian house like a big giant Victorian kind of house right.

[00:12:58] Yeah yeah with like wooden floors and everything and all that beautifulness and then in the winter I want it to be like arts and crafts cottage low ceilings dark woods on the inside. You know what I mean? Yeah fireplaces and marshmallows to roast in the fireplaces.

[00:13:18] A lot of do bays and covers and stuff. Whiskey and bourbon bars in every room. You're hibernating for the winter. Oh baby yes. Are you working or are you just letting the council handle that for trains? I will allow them to bring me the most important issues.

[00:13:34] Yeah and as just you know you probably noticed that even though you have a council you still have ultimate say on everything like if you decide to pick something they don't get to over with you. Yes. Because you're the queen.

[00:13:49] So are you doing work from home or are you going into the office? Well you know I have to say I don't mind a little bit of time in the office but you know the office has to be just right.

[00:14:04] You know the throne room or whatever else it's gotta be you know it's gotta be spec has got to be nice. I want one of those egg chairs for a throne.

[00:14:13] You know the ones that you sink in and you can turn them around they rotate so when somebody comes in the room I can just rotate the egg chair. Yeah I'm not a fan of them. How come?

[00:14:25] I don't know. I never know how to get comfortable in them. Ah okay. What if it had all your favorite pillows and stuff on the inside though? I wouldn't want too many pillows though. Okay. So for the throne room you want a pod chair.

[00:14:43] Like an egg chair like one of those yeah. Yeah egg chair. Do you know I've only recently seen like I've seen pictures of the throne or the chair that the king of England now uses and I'm not that impressed with it.

[00:14:58] I haven't seen it. What does it look like? I'll show it. The coronation chair. Like I get that you know it's historical and it's been there for a long time and I like that. I don't like oh just throw it out because it's old.

[00:15:11] Yeah of course yeah yeah. I don't know. I don't know what I was expecting but it's not I'm not mad into it. There it is. I don't know about that. I don't know about that. The red is a bit Takkarama.

[00:15:25] Like I don't know how exactly or what I was expecting like I wasn't expecting Game of Thrones but... That would have been awesome. That would have been the greatest thing of all. If you had done that with like Axes instead of Swords.

[00:15:38] That would have been the best marketing campaign if I was like you know for like House of the Dragons or whatever like that would have been amazing.

[00:15:45] Yeah so but I know I think even though I'm not a fan of egg chairs themselves I think that still would look better in a room. Do you have that up on a pedestal? Pedestal on stairs? Yes. Steps up yeah you want to be above your people.

[00:15:57] But I need like little tables designed you know because you can't really keep anything in the egg chair right? No no. You can't keep a coffee and you can't keep a coffee in there or beer or whatever.

[00:16:08] So you need to have little tables that you can adjust to pull closer and pull away from you. Yeah yeah yeah that's the modern way of ruling like a monarch. Okay so your island that I'll just call the island. What unusual is your question?

[00:16:24] Oh I think we should... oh yeah. Sorry go ahead yes no yes. Do you have an idea for a name? I think so. But should I leave it to the end you know just to keep everybody in suspense. Nobody's going to last that long through the body.

[00:16:36] Oh right okay. Bastardia. Bastardia. Bastardia and then everyone can be bastards who lives there you see? Oh yes. And I can be like my bastards you know whatever I need. You bunch of bastards. You bunch of bastards. Yeah yeah okay Bastardia okay that's good. I'll put that down.

[00:16:56] Bastardia is locked in. It sounds a bit um... Yeah what's the word? I was going to say Spanish but what's the... Like Hispanic like with the Bardia at the end or Bastardia. It's Esperanto. Yes you know. And it has a Latin flavor.

[00:17:13] So for Bastardia what unusual list would this country be top of? The thing that I think sets us apart from other places the most is that we have free ice cream. Free ice cream. Free ice cream. But is the ice cream good? Yes. Okay I just need to...

[00:17:32] Any flavor. Any flavor and you know we do like the vegan stuff we do any you know what I mean all kinds and you can have all kinds of crazy flavors. That was that because you are a fan of ice cream?

[00:17:45] Oh my god yes I would stick my head in a bucket of ice cream if I could if I could find I have a big head so if I could find a bucket of ice cream I would stick my head in a bucket of ice cream.

[00:17:57] It's just imagine this Kevin like imagine like it's a hot day and you hear the ice cream man and you go up and you get like a double cone. Double cone with the flakes and the sherbet and then you say how much is that and they go free?

[00:18:14] You're going to be happy with Bastardia. But after a while do they get unappreciated? No I don't think so. I don't think I mean there's probably five things in the world that no matter how often you have them you never get sick of them right?

[00:18:29] That's true and you have so many flavors as well. Can I get a cheese and onion ice cream? You can get whatever flavor you want. Smoky bacon. Now who wouldn't want to live there free ice cream all year round any flavor you want. Jurex strawberry condom ice cream.

[00:18:45] I love it. We don't judge in Bastardia okay we don't judge. Open and progressive. Do you want to know what the largest ice cream is? Yes. It is just over three meters tall and it weighs almost a ton. Okay so an American medium is what you're saying.

[00:19:04] An American yeah yeah yeah it's not actually very big. Okay okay free ice cream all around for everyone every day they can have for dinner or breakfast. That's pretty good you must have a lot of cows. Yes. Who doesn't love cows?

[00:19:24] We have loads of cows, loads of dogs. Yeah. Yeah especially those two animals. I would propose just the voice inside your head. Rhinos. Because. They're just big dumb cows. Okay see I think really secretly even though you're the voice inside my head I think

[00:19:44] that you are applying to be on my council I really do. Coming up with these amazing ideas like this. You sound like you're about to reject me. You don't have the experience. You need 12 years of experience on an island.

[00:19:56] 12 years of experience a master's and I'll pay you 10 pound an hour. And this is where I come out and say oh they wanted women under council it wasn't me it wasn't my fault. It was one of the causes. Do you work in the TV industry?

[00:20:10] It was quarters that did it for me. Okay free ice cream I might get onto this island. All right away from the ice cream stuff are you banning anything on the island? Banning anything. Yeah that's usually obviously I presume you're banning like being mean to cows.

[00:20:30] Well it's interesting because I see I would be tempted to do like ban assholes but I think it's not the value of an asshole tax. The revenue of being an asshole like if you had an asshole tax that feels too compelling.

[00:20:52] So I think it would have to be things like I'll tell you know what I'll tell you what it is that thing you guys do not I don't know about you personally but like the thing that

[00:21:02] neurotypicals do where they where you have to read between the lines to do everything so you use language in a symbolic way instead of just saying what the fuck you mean like that would be banned right so that you just say what you mean.

[00:21:15] It's all like passive aggressiveness isn't allowed. No like all that kind of stuff and you know like when people send you an email going hey it would be a great idea maybe this would be a good idea like getting a couple points

[00:21:25] that is not the same thing as saying let's get a couple points right so do you see the difference what I mean like just say what you mean. Yes. And don't expect me to be between the lines.

[00:21:36] That would be so that hidden language you didn't get what I mean thing would be banned. Okay I think I definitely can't be on the console because I'm very much like that I'm very much like are you like if I said oh like oh I've a screenplay

[00:21:51] maybe if you want maybe I don't know sure look we'll see if you ever want to see it maybe I don't know whereas I'm like that's me asking you will you read this and tell me what you see that I would be like all right okay well and

[00:22:02] I would walk out of the conversation going oh I wonder if you'll ever give that to me one day okay well I'll read that if he does see I would never get that's what you mean.

[00:22:10] The amount of people that I'm friends with where I've said like hey maybe if you want to hang out Friday and then I don't know they say I know your granddad I'm like did everyone hang out and you're like why don't you just

[00:22:21] ask you said maybe or you said maybe if you think some time to say this yeah. You know what the reverse happens as well like I only found out this last year somebody told me in a neurodivergent like we have these meetings

[00:22:33] you know for writers stuff and they're like oh my god if somebody says let's grab a coffee they don't actually mean that most of the time and I was like wait a minute what and he was like no and I would it's just something

[00:22:45] that you say and I was like why would you say that if you don't want to have a couple of the amount of times. With people and gone so which point to one of that coffee and then like

[00:22:56] you don't hear back and you're like oh no like I don't understand they said they wanted a cup of coffee so that kind of stuff has to go. Everyone at the end of every episode of this podcast I said we should hang out

[00:23:06] sometime and I've never gotten a response back from any of them and I'm worried now I thought they were busy. I thought they were going to pay for my flights over to England and

[00:23:17] America and Canada and I was like oh I can't wait to get on the Ryan Air flight. Okay okay you can ban that absolutely. You aren't banning assholes though so someone like Ben Shapiro is never made it.

[00:23:29] No see that's not that's just that's psychotic that's that's too much. Yeah that's too much and I think also I don't know if I would ban or I don't know about assholes that are just continual assholes right I just

[00:23:41] mean when you act like it's like a swear jar right like we act like an asshole you have to you have to pay a little tax. You get a fine or a little tax yeah what if you're just being a petty asshole.

[00:23:53] Well petty is different to asshole because sometimes petty is deserved. But that's yeah but you're doing an asshole thing to be petty. Is it an asshole because I find it if the petty thing is a little sense of justice then that's not being an asshole is it that's

[00:24:09] telling people that I've got boundaries and that your behavior will not have but will always have consequences. Yeah but if it's like Kevin she rejected you 15 years ago stop standing outside your house and throwing eggs at it.

[00:24:25] That right that's that's gone too past petty but that's very petty. Yeah I think that's past petty. Okay I'll work on that. Okay there's a bad serious question for the Queen of Bastardia. There is a scandal going to come out about you there's no way to avoid

[00:24:43] it. Your approval rating was 93% it was very high. Okay seven percent people hate ice cream they have a fear of it but your scandal is going to break out it's going to bring it down to 74% you know just quite bad. Okay.

[00:24:56] You get to pick what the scandal is. Okay. What I might say is before you say what it is your council would advise you to go on to Nightly News, News Night whatever you want to call it. Okay. And have like a frost Nixon moment.

[00:25:10] But sit down you explain yourself so would you do that or would you be like no I don't need to. Well I think the problem is if you deny it unfortunately the way our world works even if it isn't true.

[00:25:22] If you deny it you have the Streisand effect going on don't you? Yeah yeah. I think it's best to just lean into it and kind of spin it like I am a human. Yeah and I think the way the world is going now even if you

[00:25:36] do something horrendous like if they say we've seen you skin 400 kittens in broad daylight you just have to go I did it because I was right they were awful they were trying to destroy the country like you do not apologize ever.

[00:25:47] You didn't even know you didn't even meet those kittens you didn't even know. No no. Those no. So if you come on to the News Night program and you will speak to Anderson is what I usually call this news

[00:26:00] reporter and they say thank you we're joined by Queen Amanda Panda Potts protector of artists and Ken Arief slash B. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much for having me Anderson. Oh yeah thank you very much. It's an upsetting time.

[00:26:16] Everyone is quite upset there are people in the street crying right now. Well You know to be honest I was a bit upset that this came out. Yes. You know some people just can't keep their mouth shut. No They're wailing. That's why they can't do it.

[00:26:35] Can we just have to ask what happened. Well I think sometimes we you know people tend to find us in weak spots you know like bad times challenging times. I did not mean to cheat on King Keanu with Han Solo but but you know affairs happen.

[00:26:54] I know King Keanu was loved by the people who were there and I think that's a good thing. I know affairs happen. I know King Keanu was loved by bastards everywhere. And I know I've heard him with my actions but

[00:27:12] again I'm only human and I know I'm you know the Queen but Queens make mistakes sometimes. So of course just to keep ever any any tourists who suddenly joined Best Idea you are of course married to Keanu Reeves. He's given up the acting.

[00:27:27] Sandra Bullock name was never going to happen. He said he said it himself. And you went with Han Solo. Yeah he's I've always had a thing for lovable rogues. That's the problem Anderson and you know he just got me at a tricky time.

[00:27:45] So you went for a fictional character. Yeah. Okay so how exactly did that work? I think we crossed the boundaries of reality already to be honest Anderson so. You know I'm not a character in a cinema with a DVD replaying.

[00:28:00] Let's see every scene with Han Solo in it. You know it's just one of those things where it felt like a dream at the time. Yeah. And I feel terrible about it but you know sometimes things happen that you just never

[00:28:18] ever expect to happen and this is one of them. I mean you have in a way humiliated Keanu Reeves because people are saying well maybe the physical contact of King Keanu isn't so great if she's going to go out with a DVD.

[00:28:32] Well I mean you know hey every couple has their problems. Yes. I was feeling I wasn't feeling too great about my there's nothing wrong with King Keanu. He's amazing right like I just wasn't you know what happened was the free ice cream I started

[00:28:48] feeling a little too much of an image of it especially when they came out with this amazing new pistachio flavor and I just started feeling really shit about myself to be honest and he just came at the right time and just reminded

[00:29:00] me of what it was like to feel young get an amazing and that's what happened. Okay that's what happened. It was my own problem. It wasn't King Kiki so. See people are now suggesting because of what you did that your whole marriage to King

[00:29:15] Keanu Reeves was a big scam for you to make more money in effect it was a get rich quick scheme. So can you confirm that it was no it was not at all because you know we have plenty of revenue

[00:29:28] coming in from our you know from our biggest revenue stream and it's one that will always replenish itself and you know we it's it's we get millions and billions of pounds every year from our main revenue stream. You have to be a bit relieved that you know

[00:29:48] out of all people I suppose to be unfaithful to it was King Keanu because of the fact that of course you know he is obviously deeply unpopular in the country his approval rating is minus 10% because it's Keanu Reeves right I mean nothing like

[00:30:03] the bottom. Yeah I know I mean everyone hates him but you know what they love now so actually he should be he should be thanking me because now the sympathy of the bastards is right in his court. Welcome Keanu if you're listening.

[00:30:18] He's not talking to me right now. Tree worst things about Keanu Reeves. I mean okay a couple things he's I say dude a lot okay but he says dude far too much like all the time every two words is dude. He replaces actual

[00:30:36] words in a sentence with dude. 100% everything is you know like Smurf's used to say with Smurf. Oh yeah that's what he does with dude it's it's it's too much. Too much yeah too much. Another thing is another thing is that when you just

[00:30:52] look at him you just feel really shit about yourself because you know he's just perfect he's perfect and I hate he's just perfect with his little perfect hair and his little perfect face and his little perfect you know holds a gun properly and his perfect little

[00:31:06] outfit drives me crazy. I like how you describe the perfect man as being good looking and they can hold a gun properly. Yeah well I am American. Yeah yeah that makes sense. And number three about this awful Keanu Reeves that I'm putting down is

[00:31:22] coming out of podcast. The third one about Keanu Reeves that drives me crazy is that he has it's his brown boots he wears these brown boots all the time I just know I just it's it's just I don't know why it's well I when you know

[00:31:40] one's looking when he's at home it's it's hugs oh instead of like the in the summer house it's Birkenstocks okay and Birkenstocks and you know I just think we've got all this money you know coming in from our main revenue source which is you know and re-

[00:32:00] education camps for human resources officers but so he could buy whatever he wanted but then we just wears the same shoes all time it's really gross. Are they the same ones or does he have multiple? No same ones same pair of bugs same pair of Birkenstocks yeah

[00:32:17] oh yeah no bastard upsetting it's upsetting okay so you're going to continue going out with this DVD of Empire Strikes Back Well no I know now it's because I realized my problem and it's always a me problem you know what I mean and so

[00:32:36] what I've done is I've told everybody not to give me any ice cream for a while you know I'm hitting the gym I'm feeling better about myself and so it should write itself really. Are you getting back with King Cano or are you stripping him

[00:32:48] of the Birkenstocks? We'll see what he does with you know now that people like him because you know I'm just gonna go right to his head right like we'll see how big his head gets. Yeah yeah it's already big enough. Okay yeah thank

[00:33:00] you very much we're going to go to a break and we come back to we will start a live documentary about you thank you very much so very good thanks for shitting on Ken Arieves nobody nobody does that enough and put that in YouTube

[00:33:14] when it goes to a break you're Anderson he whispers to say look we're gonna be doing this documentary we would like to make a fantastical fact about you or just say something fantastical about you do you have any idea what we

[00:33:32] can tell people as part of this propaganda? What's the purpose of the fact? What? What's the purpose of the fact this thing is it to inspire awe is it to build intrigue is it to what is it what is it meant to do in this

[00:33:45] side? Both of those bit of fear because you just need a healthy bit of fear just you're not a pushover and yeah just make you practically god like goddess like I guess they're the same thing right okay yeah whatever you want

[00:34:00] I can at will read the thoughts you have any in all times so you don't even whenever I want you don't even need to be in the same room no you can just think of you yeah and I know exactly what's in your mind is it

[00:34:20] usually ice cream? It is it is it's just ice cream yeah I'd say it's probably about 72% ice cream and which flavor they're gonna pick next yeah but then you know you got that other like what 28% or whatever is really really good black brown material right so and

[00:34:40] that's our second revenue stream after the re-education camps for human resource office how do you make money after those camps well because the island moves right so what we do is we have some excellent case studies about how if human resource people you

[00:34:57] know didn't go to candidates and understood that like you know you can have a portfolio career and you know things like that and gave people a chance then the businesses make a lot more money yeah so it's in you know so that's that's it's in their best

[00:35:14] interest they're sending people to be retrait yes they're sending people to best chance very nice okay so I had that the people are very very satisfied with you completely destroying King Canary's rep they didn't like him but they're feeling a bit sorry from but yeah

[00:35:35] your approval rating will go up and because it's coming around to the time of your birthday you are going to be asked you know what celebrations should the people organize for you on your birthday okay okay I love this I love a birthday celebration

[00:35:51] so I think we bring in loads of dogs and puppies and kittens for everybody to pet yeah in a big park the biggest park yeah yeah on a lovely day and that would be amazing and then we would have a big barbecue right with

[00:36:11] absolutely amazing barbecue with like jerk chicken and cheeseburgers and all the dogs and cats are used up there are no dogs or Caspine no no no no they are just for petting oh they're just for petting and just for you know playing

[00:36:27] with them and petting and just having a grand old time wait wait do you have favorite movie do you have favorite Canary's movie I have which one do you want your favorite my favorite is Priscilla Queen of the Desert without a doubt I'm kind of obsessed with drag

[00:36:42] so and I have been since I was a little girl so that's an Australian comedy about drag artists in and my favorite Keanu movie is a hundred percent Bill and Ted's excellent adventure the original is still the best have you watched that in the movie theater when

[00:36:59] it came out well because I haven't seen I haven't watched him since I was a child like I just have not turned him on I really should just from the yeah I haven't watched the new one but I haven't seen the other two since I was

[00:37:15] I know whatever 13 14 first one is the second one yeah I like the third one but the first one is absolutely perfect spot on yeah that's perfect okay um oh my god okay okay so what was the name of the guy who was a Ted I don't

[00:37:32] know that is no no that is Alex I follow him on Twitter he's a great follow actually Alex what Alex walk walk I can't remember it off hand but you know who else is a good follow is Ed Solomon who wrote Bill and Ted's

[00:37:48] excellent adventure he's an excellent follow on Twitter yes I've seen him around on it and I think I follow him Alex winter that's his name yeah that's the one yeah that's lovely that's Bill yes um okay just wondering about that there is a knock on your door I

[00:38:04] do you take your house I'm one of those people if anybody knocks at my door I am like who the fuck is that yeah walk your day yeah eight visitors yes I mean it's a mate coming over something yeah great but if I don't know you or know

[00:38:22] that you're coming now I will I won't dive behind the sofa but I'm not an answer in the door I have figured out recently what to do you know when people come along and they say like oh hey I'm working for whatever electric

[00:38:35] company do you want to switch over or you know work for um virgin media what TV or something you know right that's always really awkward so like I'm not interested but yeah I always feel bad from because they're gonna go to so many

[00:38:46] houses and you know I figured out the cheat code I think to get away with from there go on when you open the door and they say I don't know what it is in England I'm trying to think what is it can do you know two

[00:39:01] electric companies in England there's Scottish power and British gas yeah yeah so if they come along and say hi I work for Scottish power right just wondering you say oh hey sorry I work for British energy or British gas because they know they're not gonna do a

[00:39:22] better deal than someone who actually works with the company that's a great hack I just tell them I rent you know like when they attack streets I just say oh I'm a renter I don't shoot I don't make those decisions so yeah no I go with

[00:39:34] the like even if it's like internet like the internet as someone for broadband would come along and I'll be like oh I work for sky and they're great idea one person I think has already suss me out though because then they said something

[00:39:47] like like they said asking me about my job and I was like listen buddy dinner on kind of weak vehicle do you know what you service it which is like oh my my fridge is running and it was a job as witness and I have a cat

[00:40:08] here besides I always actually if I got a religious visitor I always ask them to come in because I used to have to do that when I was a kid so and I really have a soft spot in my heart for them

[00:40:18] would you not worry Jesus the house is in a mess I'm not letting them in that'll be my main thing I wouldn't have any like how dare they get through my doorway but I always think they have probably seen a lot worse than a

[00:40:31] little bit you know then a couple dachs of papers and stuff okay next time they come along I'll ask them in and then I'll say tell me about the worst house you've been in yeah yeah you go see can you get loads of good

[00:40:43] stories I could get them through this podcast okay sorry back to the back to the podcast oh they're knocking the door you had a knock on the door knock knock knock my head pops in and it's Paul your finance all the finance so good okay hello

[00:40:58] Queen Amanda yes hi there I have wonderful news okay country is your country is full of money and your people are so happy with you your ratings have gone up to 99% we would like to build your statue or something statue yeah a monument anything you want

[00:41:20] and to be fair it's more for the people to celebrate you more than you do know if you're yeah I know you're not egoistic but they'd really love to build you something okay I would like it to be a monument but but an interactive monument

[00:41:35] with animals like animal rescue monuments right so it was this living monument where and maybe it's connected to the farm with all the cows right so that you know but it's just about like the best kind of person you can be invest the best bastard you could be

[00:41:53] right like the biggest bastard the biggest bastard you could be like be the biggest boss you could be at this monument right like that's what this is about it's a day trip it's really gorgeous you have fun there's free ice cream everywhere and yeah that's

[00:42:08] what that but it's all about enjoying yourself but in a lovely way you know that makes you feel good at the end and yes it has to be around animals definitely so we're going to build a massive statue of you effectively birthing animals walk out they'll walk

[00:42:26] out into a farm it'll be a beautiful sight yes no like we'll do it like a howl mouth in reverse right so you know this big medieval paintings like with the where they're all going into hell but it would be the other way

[00:42:40] around so it's gonna be your way from the censorship I was gonna say it's your massive head with your mouth my massive head with my big old mouth nobody would be surprised and then all the animals could go in and out of that

[00:42:54] yeah okay and we're building this now with your tongue out as a kind of a carpet for them that is look well we want to be comfortable for them too they're screaming but okay well good that keeps them out that keeps them

[00:43:08] you know acting right so yeah life is beautiful but also scary look what do they want to get free ice cream they get pet kittens yeah you know it the kittens while you stare at this the monster kid that's after walking my

[00:43:22] head looking down at everyone having a good old time it's like a line king with the stampede all these all these drafts just running out of your mouth um this could be a big job wait a minute if they're coming out of your

[00:43:35] head are you lucky there's like a tunnel right yeah yeah but like so is there is the statue of you is that a full length statue of you lying underground it looks like you're planking I mean it well actually I can hold a plank for a

[00:43:53] long time so that wouldn't make sense why not okay so you're planking underground in front of this farm which remote open I think that's an excellent suggestion I mean it would certainly be memorable it would stand out what are we making the statue out of um here

[00:44:08] pure cream it's kept cold all the time you can eat the statue and it's and it just replenish it like it's steel but they just pour cream over constantly all over it like one of those cold stone creameries yeah this is monstrous like ice cream

[00:44:30] this is like a Cronenberg monster or something all of Cthulhu um okay we definitely do that Paul is on board he's doing the sketches excellent nothing phases him he's out or he's doing that absolutely and did you do um I do have a

[00:44:48] bad news for you um who is the person in charge of your security do you know the name oh if there would be a need and I would say oh god what's what's it what's that dog the three headed dog Cerberus yeah that's the one Cerberus you're not

[00:45:07] you don't literally have a tree headed dog well remember how I said we were like kind of past the point of reality so I mean my island floats and everything so why couldn't we have Cerberus that seems fine to

[00:45:19] me okay so you have created a dog a tree headed dog and they are the head of your security yep at least I won't at least I know they won't be training you know by like planning with other people that stuff so it's yeah okay so Cerberus

[00:45:32] comes along I don't know how he communicates I guess it's telepathically well remember I can read everybody's thoughts yeah so you just see that he's a bit alert and you're like yeah I just know yeah and then I know if they're like kind of thinking about not listening

[00:45:46] to what I said and then they could just stay in you know the dungeon for the day or something so he is going to are the tree heads he's like is it a he I don't know that's a good question I mean I've you know I don't

[00:46:00] know do we need to be tied down to gender I'm not sure might there might be a screenplay idea on that and yeah so Cerberus tells you telepathically that the HR people that were inside oh god they pulled the Spartacus oh have they they have they have

[00:46:21] rampage through the city they have I'm not really worried because they're generally not very skilled people so you know what skills what skills have it's just gonna ghost everybody in Bastardia is that what they're doing not if murder two million people they've murdered a few yeah that's a

[00:46:40] problem yeah see you shouldn't have said that publicly because it makes light of the situation when there's dead bodies and people are a bit miffed your review rate went down to 91% well why did they do that they did it because they didn't like

[00:46:54] the idea of showing up five days a week it for this reeducation camp right okay they did they heard that they had to post the salaries on the adverts and they went no no no yeah yeah yeah okay well okay so they've done a rampage

[00:47:13] they killed two million people canaries included they've killed kinky kinky okay this is a problem wait kinky kinky yeah but unfortunately his initiatives came out as KKK they immediately jumped him so oh shh yeah okay let's yeah okay so that was a public relations disaster

[00:47:33] that's been averted for you this seems like a PR disaster to happen doesn't it okay well that's all right well okay crap okay so I'm not good in a crisis so so wait what do I have to do what is Paul saying I need to do

[00:47:47] oh sorry Cerberus said oh sorry sorry sorry Cerberus is barking wildly he has like what 24 okay well because Cerberus is not actually the best head of security really the HR officers killed two million people so I think you know we'd have to have a little meeting about that

[00:48:09] he got distracted by a ball he got three balls three balls yeah well two balls wait two balls and of course one of them didn't want you know the fight we really should be paying attention to these HR officers and what they're doing yeah like they've been caught

[00:48:29] they are in chains or they are all of them and they haven't got away well it'll turn out the end this podcast won't get away and they like wake up their eyes fashion open every day in their podcast so we've got them all in prison

[00:48:47] they're all the dungeons but we don't know what to do with them I know exactly what to do for punishment but make them go through the hiring process oh so you're gonna hire them no I'm not gonna hire them I just said make them go through the hiring

[00:49:01] like the employment process do they have to explain why they really so what's the job they're hiring for doesn't matter because the jobs don't exist or anything do you know what I mean they just get free work out of you and then you know

[00:49:15] get a bunch of applications filled and then we're gonna fill out the application process and then we're gonna get them to go through the hiring process and then we're gonna fill out the applications that are exactly like the CDs they already made yes

[00:49:33] and then we're gonna make them choose the jobs they're gonna go for but we're not gonna tell them how much it's gonna cost or how much it's gonna get paid or even if it's full time or part time or even if it's about nothing let no information

[00:49:47] and we just know that they have to have 15 years of experience and like a PhD yeah but naturally and then we're gonna make them do all that and then we're going to ask them to do some work for free and then what we're gonna do is

[00:50:03] never contact them ever again and just wait them in their dungeon perfect and I have one or two ideas as well if you want to show these and you can please come on again logistics this is what the committee is for you should have the option

[00:50:15] on the application screen where the application screen where they can upload their CV yes so they think ooh I'll save a lot of time here I'll upload that and then when it fills it in it fills in like their first name Kevin is down by the address

[00:50:31] and like when they say I have customer service skills it just says I have custom sill and like you're like I have to go through every word and just make sure everything is spelled correctly and just little things like that that'll just be pointless I love that

[00:50:47] this is, I can't believe I even missed that part of the process thank you I appreciate that logistics officer and I feel like it's I might remember oh you also the parts where they have to explain why they really really really love and want this job

[00:51:05] even though they don't even know what it is why do you want to get out of this dungeon why exactly do you want to escape Bastardia then they have to explain why and it will always be wrong I went for a job before

[00:51:21] and I won't mention the company Renton but I went for a job before that they had an ATHLAS in Ireland so I went in saying hi nice to meet you and I'm chatty people I don't know so I thought I'll be fine

[00:51:31] I'm not that nervous in the interview and then they asked me what you love most about this company but the company doesn't operate in Ireland like they have an office in Ireland but they don't operate in Ireland so I had to explain it's like

[00:51:47] it's like if I went to work for McDonald's head office but there was no McDonald's in Ireland and they said what you love most about McDonald's and I went it seems great I'd say it'd be very good to eat

[00:52:03] it was nonsense I was like how am I going to answer that I've never used it how would I if they don't know that they don't operate in Ireland why would they expect that so weird they were Irish they had to have known that's so bizarre

[00:52:17] yeah it just that's absolutely I know there must be good ones out there somewhere but like I kind of LinkedIn is a nightmare for like HR people and you get them all the time in your inbox going oh I just saw this and this and this would you

[00:52:33] and then they just ghost you you know what I mean and that happened a couple weeks ago and the person was like we think we might have a it was like a high end writing job and I was like brilliant cool right

[00:52:45] so I checked out the company they were doing on behalf of a company so I checked out the company now you have to understand I don't like send a million messages back I just was like cool you know that sounds great

[00:52:55] which I'd like to have a chat on zoom about in the next few weeks leave it like that right I am not like a double or triple yeah yeah so and then like a week or two went by and it was nothing and I was just like

[00:53:07] why do you bother to contact me do you know what I mean so then I sent one more message and I went hey just wanted to let you know is this still something you'd like to talk about if not great have a a great day or whatever nothing

[00:53:19] so I can't first I made sure that this person was legit and it wasn't just a scammer but then I contacted the company they were recruiting for and I just said I just want to let you know what's going on with somebody you are paying as a recruiter

[00:53:31] yeah to do because this is what's happening so I've never done that before but it felt really good yes that's so good there was a huge thing back going oh my god thank you so much for telling us and then if you want to apply

[00:53:45] separately you know here you go so yeah were you tempted to apply then separately no I didn't because I just was like I don't if you have these people like no so I that's what I think as well I think the part you would think

[00:53:59] see now I don't want the job now because of that but I kind of do want the job just for a day just to be like and screw you I just got the job myself I just you were pointless in this whole process I just got the job

[00:54:11] myself because I'm actually good at what I do but yeah there is a knock on your door we will have them applying for jobs for the next 20 years yeah in hell in job application hell and never ever ever getting and can't oh can we put them on courses

[00:54:27] to update their CV of course do you ever feel have you ever seen the jobs that I'm I've seen a few now that add like you can do a video submission or like a 30 second video going hello how do you feel about them I love them

[00:54:43] I prefer them because I think I'm better in person than I am you know I think you can you can get the flavor of the personality across a lot more easily than you can with a seat the CV or whatever

[00:54:55] like just written down and also if you can do an elevator pitch you know you're in most people can't speak to the camera you know they kind of don't know what they're doing they don't know how to pitch themselves or whatever else so you automatically gain an advantage

[00:55:07] how do you feel about it well I'm a rambler so I don't feel the elevator pitch works at me but do you know what there's a knock on your door sorry for being another knock on my door oh it's never ends does it in Bastardia

[00:55:21] they can hear you inside the office as you're saying that knock knock knock okay knock hello what knock oh hello it's Paul again talk to me I as you know I'm supposed to be leaving today because my wife fell down

[00:55:39] Mount Everest so I have to go to the doctor in it again again yes listen she said it can't happen more than three times in a life and didn't happen well you think but go ahead she's a remarkably sturdy woman that's the weird

[00:55:55] thing I think she's pushed we're investigating well she's only got one limb left so she's this is gonna have to be the last time she carries it on her back right okay yeah it's fine it wouldn't break it broke her fall if anything that limb that she took

[00:56:09] from her partner anyway besides that as you know I'm getting on the plane right now to go to Switzerland wait I'm thinking of wait no that's Nepal isn't it just yeah yeah sorry the Alps is Switzerland right or yeah that's yeah yeah so I'm going to Nepal

[00:56:27] via Switzerland just before I go I was just checking the accounts there about the money because we have your we have your statue the big bastard statue was built okay animals are fed into it the cream is on the top of it it's fine okay okay

[00:56:43] oh my god the cream comes over the top of your head so they have to go through like a waterfall of cream the animals I mean you're just you're selling it yeah no it looks fantastic absolutely fantastic but as far as I mean the kittens

[00:56:55] obviously stop sorry go ahead I'm just getting oh they stopped yeah no they start it's very because you know it's a marvel yeah so this is going 24 hours a day by the way we have that one in all night yeah um as far as the budget

[00:57:09] you know you are 40 billion in surplus okay yeah I don't know have you taken a look at the budget but you know I have okay so I've taken a look at it it's 35 billion so we've actually like it only costs less than when we originally planned

[00:57:25] so it's great you know okay excellent now before we go I do have to make mention of the um Cerberus just told me to tell you I don't know if you were taunting um the HR people okay so they're done now well before

[00:57:39] we caught them it turns out they cut off the ice cream supply there's no ice cream in the country anyway I get to go on the plane um so I'm just gonna leave you can you can figure that out I guess okay right

[00:57:49] bye I'll be back in like 14 weeks right okay um thanks for that Paul I'll tell the wife you said hello uh huh yeah I hope she loses the last leg she loses it why why would you say that well she's fallen off Everest three times now Paul

[00:58:07] so that's why you know she only got one lap so you want her to lose it so she won't be able to fall off it we can plant her there like if I could you're leaving me with all these problems because of her doing

[00:58:19] the same silly thing over and over again you know it's um you know it's it's ridiculous but it's her job she's a Sherpa she's not very popular she's cheap but I love her she the one who is responsible for all that garbage that's on Everest right now

[00:58:35] come on she's the cleanest and she falls before yes if anything she's the only one out there fucking cleaning the place and she falls off it and people like you I'm sorry no Paul has turned up for himself in this one time

[00:58:47] you like people like you are giving her shit she deserves it and I'll tell you why because she won't wear our branding the ice cream branding it's ridiculous it's a huge opportunity and now look what's happening we're absolutely in the lurch we got the HR people

[00:58:59] cutting off the the production here it's I just feel like you'd be cares about being a good bastard it's ridiculous Paul leaves the office he's I got a plane to catch but as you hear him walk out and I'm pretty sure I've misremembered it

[00:59:15] he's cursing to himself saying Osha Osja he roars it looking at the passion of a thousand men okay Greek men so he's gone there's no ice cream in the country people are very upset the tolerance level of these people have gone down what are we going to

[00:59:35] do there's just no more cows there's no more cows the HR people okay right okay what I'm going to do then is I'm going to sell the HR people worldwide I'm going to sell them to every single artist I know every single artist I know

[00:59:59] who doesn't have a lot of money but they can pull their resources because we always have to pull our resources to do stuff anyways so every single artist they're the first choice to buy the HR people and do what they want with them whatever

[01:00:15] food or I don't know CV classes I'm not sure but just and we'll do it that way because they get exactly their event they can do whatever they want but that's the only income we've got because I was going to say we can sell the ice cream

[01:00:31] you know although although mm no stop all that cancel that you're going to admit it to your HR remember the asshole tax the asshole fines oh yeah asshole ransoms we contact yeah we contact all of our prisoner HR prisoners families and we raise money through ransoms

[01:00:59] what if they don't have money well they'll have money they got money they got yeah their friends and family will have money because those people will always be getting them jobs yeah yeah that's true actually yeah it's that makes sense but how much are we

[01:01:15] how much are we asking for ransom well we're talking well it has to be a lot of HR people because you know well there's a lot of HR people and also they killed two million so you know you have to pay when you kill two million

[01:01:27] yeah you have to be there's a lot of people there right so say there's like a million HR people who are in the dungeon that if we raise 100 bucks a person which is a very low bar wait the ransom is 100 oh 100

[01:01:43] I'm just saying even if that was the lowest right which of course they're going to be a lot more because we're going to be like milk and their money their friends their family so say we raise 100,000 for each one that's like a lot that would cover the

[01:02:01] all the bill so and bring in more cows so we can make the ice cream again I'm wondering though because I was looking up to see how much a HR person makes a year and it's apparently in Ireland the average is 50,000 a year

[01:02:17] okay so even 100,000 I think you can opt out of it these are season professions okay well there you go why not the other thing is I was trying to add of how much money is it costing to bring back the ice cream right

[01:02:29] if you have 10 million people in your country right yes I looked up just America just the first country to came up naturally how much money is spent on ice cream each year apparently in 2022 the average is 70 basically $75 per consumer unit I'm going to say

[01:02:47] per person maybe yeah per person so if you go at 75 by 10 million that's surely like 750 million you have to spend yeah so you're going to get it out of those those people we're going to get it out of it yeah yeah you just added up well however many

[01:03:05] I don't know how many we'll say it 10,000 people you just say lucky all whatever yeah yeah if you want them back and then we keep them out right so then they can just be gone for good do you think you'd have to ransom them

[01:03:17] to their friends rather than family because I have a feeling like their friends are ourselves enough that they would go oh no you know Gregory whereas their family might be like didn't like my brother I think it depends on how much each HR prisoner believes in nepotism

[01:03:37] right I think as well they're the people who only make friends with people who are like up the ladder themselves you know who are who are going up the ladder and networking is there team so good thinking I like your thinking but I just think the ransom program

[01:03:51] you know it's fresh it's exciting it's memorable and there are no what there are no losers would you do a reality TV show where you're doing it oh see this is why I need you in my thank you pretty that's a brilliant idea thank you we do that

[01:04:09] we do a podcast we do the we do it doc you know and then of course the book follow up what are we naming these we're naming the the book or the podcast oh god you're putting me on the spot here

[01:04:29] I can edit out a 10 minute pause yeah you're gonna have to I'm going to have because I'm gonna have to think about that okay we've come back to that again although I don't have okay I do two more questions for us the end okay after I suppose

[01:04:43] while while there is this shortage of ice cream people are very concerned as you can imagine people are very this is probably the most most fearful these bastards have been since we started this podcast what photo up do you think you should organize to ensure that your

[01:04:59] bastard ensure your bastards that you're you're fine the you're in control I think the best thing to do would be you know like when you go to a wedding they don't do this in America they do it over here I love it

[01:05:13] you go to a wedding and you get the bride in the groom in the middle and then all the people are around them and then the photographer goes to like the balcony or like the roof and then takes a picture of everybody going like that or you know

[01:05:27] oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yes because it doesn't because the photo up isn't just about me it's about all of us being together you know what I mean all of us being grand old bastards together having a good old time and knowing that no matter what happens

[01:05:41] in a matter what kind of destruction HR has caused we're gonna overcome it together so if I have this right you are going to have because it's not about you you're going to have as many people as you can around you in a circle as you stand there

[01:05:57] alone with a copy of solo a star wars story beside you I don't I told you I'm gonna end that oh sorry sorry I wasn't sure I got well for God in key I know that you know I don't

[01:06:11] but that doesn't mean I want to carry on a toxic relationship yeah I remember how I said I was gonna have to give up the ice cream for a while and now thanks to the HR people I would do that anyway so it seems like it's all

[01:06:23] working my god you planned it yes you plan to HR people part of the master plan to reset the country so you're into the HR people no I wouldn't go that far do you hate what you've been come

[01:06:39] but I kind of knew what they were planning because I could read their minds and you and you're okay with it no I'm not okay with it but it just gave me another chance to punish them really so I'm always down for that

[01:06:51] sometimes you know it's like with like little kids you know what I mean sometimes you just got to let them for the millions of telling them don't do that you have to just let them do whatever it is because then they'll learn

[01:07:01] like mass murder the two million people yeah okay so you're gonna take this picture some lessons cost some others so just to ensure that I can get into this council because I'm still gunning for this position I haven't gotten it yet you said about doing this picture

[01:07:19] this photo op with all the people around you when you do that and it's a lovely picture the photographer gives a big thumbs up from the balcony and they can all go away and have their barbecue he does say hey um queen Amanda Panda

[01:07:31] Panda pots do you want us to bring in we'll say all the dogs or all the animals and put them around the circle yeah and they can all look up we'll put a we'll put all the dogs there just to make it easy and we put a ball

[01:07:43] up in the air serbrous can even be serbrous can just be somewhere in it sort of be a nice oh where's serbrous right yeah yeah yeah yeah we can do that as well see that's a nice photo that's just that's just for you I think that is one

[01:07:57] of the greatest suggestions of all time see the ad is podcast has wholesome suggestions I love it and it would be so cute and also it would be great for publicity I mean you must admit right oh your profile picture on any online

[01:08:11] social media is it's that there you go right oh I mean it's what's in the circle it's like something crazy like 300 if you if you put dogs on your social media if you're a brand your engagement rate goes up by like 300% really yeah like immediately

[01:08:31] I don't know does that work yeah I did a I did a pitch I did a pitch to one of the companies I worked for going we should have three you know we should have like a mascot dog and and you know look after them

[01:08:45] and if we put 300 dogs on then we'll have a 90,000% that's like 9,000,000% yeah I might put that on I might put dogs on my title page I did this pitch too because we had to come up with something unusual you know what I mean to boost the business

[01:09:05] so I did all my research on that and I was like let's find a shelter and we'll sponsor the shelter and we'll pick an amazing dog or a couple amazing dogs from it and you just wanted to go to the shelter

[01:09:19] yes I did yeah yeah what a brilliant brilliant idea oh I think we'll have to for business you're paying for this so I do have one final question as your country is slowly recovering from the lack of ice cream yes it's hard time it's a hard time yeah

[01:09:37] they are lactose insufficient the question of what happens after your time and ruling the island will come up because at some point you're going to have to figure out who your heir is right oh yeah now it does have to be someone who is actually

[01:09:51] alive cannot be a fictional character unfortunately no DVDs of solo or any other character from Star Wars yeah the question is who is to be your heir oh so real life person yeah but it can be anyone who is alive does

[01:10:07] a moped count or does it have to be a human no you can are you thinking Kermit or Miss Piggy I was thinking Cookie Monster but you know to carry on to carry on the joyful cookies and cream yeah you know what I mean

[01:10:23] you just have to hire the puppeteer yeah okay yeah as long as I know it's not their suggestion but I think it would preserve the safety of Bastardia for several reasons number one nobody is going to wage war against

[01:10:35] Cookie Monster it's just not going to be a bold move yeah it would be a bold move and also you would you would lose I mean first of all you couldn't lose the UN anyway like do you know what I mean NATO forget

[01:10:47] it they're gone right you know you're not getting support maybe you get support from Russia maybe yeah but I don't think you would I don't even think China would go there you know what I mean the Muppets are very popular in China so I think I'm thinking

[01:11:01] strategically here you know I have found a puppeteer of Cookie Monster okay and his name is David Rudman okay David Rudman has first of all he has a delightful laugh or smile and I can show you a picture of that he also looks like he is currently

[01:11:19] holding Jim Carrey in a fictional universe and telling him it's real now it's not that he just looks like Ed Harris but he just gives me that vibe okay let's have a look I'll show you I'll show you David Rudman I hope it's nice

[01:11:31] there's his there's his laugh under under right okay and yeah there's I think this is going to be the greatest job in the entire world is being Cookie Monster and he also has baby bear he can pull out there you go he seems like

[01:11:47] he looks like a little bit like Ed Harris right I think I'm getting Ed Harris vibes off him yeah but like Ed Harris who's great but he sometimes plays very stern characters right he does he does he does stern but fair this guy seems like a jelly uncle

[01:12:03] I mean he hope it here is for the Muppets so it makes sense yeah do you think he'd do it is anybody going to turn down free ice cream as much as you want he might be he might be encouraged you might be encouraged by

[01:12:17] who does the Muppets the company I forget Hannah Barbra no no it's the Jim Henson Jim Henson yeah I think that company would be like my god we could just film the Muppets on Bastardia why not I mean the landscape is beautiful we've got a lovely memorial there

[01:12:37] traveling show got lots of gorgeous externals yeah yeah I think I think it's an evolution for the Muppets as well that they're now moving to a it's just going to make everybody happy bastards isn't it really it's the return of Fragile Rock right it is

[01:12:53] okay this is objectively a brilliant idea and I have no notes I have no complications everyone is on board are you going to live on the island afterwards are you there is no where there is no way I am going to live somewhere where Cookie Monster

[01:13:07] is not Cookie Monster is in Bastardia I am staying there yeah and you're there they're giving I mean they're giving you they're leaving you to house the houses right well I'm like the Dowager Queen now aren't I so I can just you know

[01:13:21] and maybe maybe Cookie and I can have like a little TV show or a little podcast together or something you know just something like that imagine the Christmas specials right this is great just in time for you could you he'll even be nice enough

[01:13:37] where he'll say I think you should announce the return of the ice cream I think you're right right just as a little nod to respect to you with a cookie with ice cream cookie sandwich oh god yeah yeah yeah very good in the shape

[01:13:51] of Cookie Monster absolutely okay I do have to ask for an end have you figured out the podcast for your new what was it the HR debacle debacle yeah yeah I have oh really what is it what is it about the infection there's

[01:14:07] a load of really angry and confused medical interns who are trying who are like I thought this is educational that's very good very good happy yeah it's very odd last question the end the whole podcast but I'm an agreeing thank you for being a wonderful queen

[01:14:23] of bastard bastards everywhere can I can I so much fun on this this has just been an absolute class thank you so much I have to ask where do people find you then on social media well yeah find me on social media don't knock at my door

[01:14:37] because I'll just go who though unless they say I want to speak religion to you and then you invite them in well yeah if they're Mormon they're coming in they're having to be they're having some cake or something so um

[01:14:49] they can find me on well I was gonna say they could find me on Twitter but I'm hardly ever on that because that's screaming in the void I mean I'm minefieldness on Instagram but that's not like I just

[01:14:59] that's just my feed where I have fun you know what I mean like I don't like purposely post content and that kind of stuff there so I guess the best place to find me is and I'm still building my words so I think the best place is

[01:15:13] LinkedIn and it's Amanda Graham ideas I think that's that's I'm that Amanda Graham so you don't have a great idea of the name of your Amanda Graham ideas yeah it doesn't have a great idea um yes okay thank you very much and thank you very much for people

[01:15:31] who listen to the queen Amanda Panda pots the protector of artists and canary the mark the fucking protector of canaries you disparaged him and let him to be I told you we're human we're absolutely human so we make a hinted that he was at least and also

[01:15:49] I did raise his I did raise his little likeability there didn't I because remember they didn't like him before and now they do like him yeah but then he died and I think but I that was my fault that was the HR people

[01:16:03] but when I insinuated then that he was at least a supporter of the KKK you laughed and nodded I thought that's not what I thought you said I thought you said his initials were that and that was it and I was like oh

[01:16:13] well no you don't do that for accent well no I mean if he I'm not a protector if he's that well yeah that's fair yeah accusation um okay everyone thank you very much and I do have one just quick last question

[01:16:25] because I don't have an outro do you have any idea when you finally give up your power what would be the final words of advice you tell your bastards um I would say later later suck and then you run do you run into

[01:16:41] your mouth with the cream falling down I do I do you run I do and there's a special ice cream thing down there and that is where I begin the the uh what is it called off-boarding or whatever it is for

[01:16:55] Cookie Monster because somebody's got to teach them what to do so oh yeah yeah yeah straight to work you're late suckers and yeah and then I'm I'm off doing the on-boarding for Cookie Monster yeah oh very good okay the job never ends sure does okay bye everyone