Brad Sherwood - Whose Wolves Are These Anyway?

[00:00:03] Hello, this is The Tyrant In Training Podcast, I am Kevin and this is an improv comedy podcast where each week a guest chats to me about how they would rule their own country. Today's guest is improv comedian Brad Sherwood. As a tyrant of his own country, Brad is known as the big guy of the island of Gary and here are some out of context quotes from Brad about his love of animals.

[00:00:22] Would you A, rather live in Hawaii or B, be eaten by wolves? You are unnerving all of the elderly. There might be a time at which I might let loose some wolves. That's not a scandal that's my fault, that's a negligence on the part of the wolves. You can subscribe to The Tyrant In Training Podcast everywhere you find podcasts online. On social media you can follow the podcast on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok and Blue Sky at Tyrant Training Podcast.

[00:00:51] Or you can just follow me on those sites if you look for at kev ryan person. Also, this podcast is its own website which is tyrantintraining.podcast page. And now here is a mad tyrant. So, I do have a question for you. Since you've been doing, you've been doing Whose Line for years, you've been doing the stand up show for years and all that. How are you with getting compliments? How do you take them or?

[00:01:14] I don't have a problem with compliments. I mean, I think, you know, all of us that do it love to make people laugh and laughter itself is kind of a compliment. You know, it's a sign, it's a verbal sign of approval. That's what, and it's what you're going for. Yeah, yeah. The best day is the day that you're not making the whole audience laugh and the best day is when everybody's just going crazy. So, in that sense, yeah. You know, I think everybody that's a performer has a certain level of ego. So, but I think most improvisers tend to be kind of shy.

[00:01:43] Yeah. So, I think they're more shy for maybe getting the compliment, but at the same time, they love to hear. Yeah. And there's no more of a, you know, litmus test for approval than a life in show business where people are choosing to like you because of your personality, the way you look, your talent base and all that. You know, it's constantly like plus or minus, up or down on the aspect of you.

[00:02:09] Do you think you would, if you were to rule a country then where you're in charge of so many people, would you want them to shower praise on you? Or would you be like, no, honestly, don't, don't be coming near me with that? No, I would not need the praise. Though, if I was ruling my own place, you know, I might have a comedy show that they would be mandatory attendance. But I would place all the people that laugh the hardest down front. Right. What about people who over exaggerate a laugh?

[00:02:39] Oh, well, there are laughs that are sort of so weird that then they'd be distracting. And yeah, then I would have to banish them from the comedic performances. But no, I don't need it in my utopia. I guess it would be utopian for me. For some people, it would be end up being dystopian because of rules being called by me. Some of them may not like me. I mean, okay. My, in my world would not have arugula. Wouldn't have a what?

[00:03:06] But arugula, it's a vegetable that tastes horrible. It tastes like... I've never heard of this. Bitter green. It's called arugula. Also endive. Yeah. And cilantro. Have you heard of any of those? I've heard of cilantro. I'm not great with food. I'll say that right away. So if you're... Yeah. For example, you just can't stomach them. So in my little, I guess, utopian for me, my utopian island that I rule and command, yeah, all the food would be food I like.

[00:03:33] Yeah. And anything else, you're not alone on the island. If anyone brings it on, they're banished off the island? Pretty much, yeah. So, I mean, there's a lot of rules, but I'm going to make sure that it's fun for the people that, you know, like chili cheese dogs, things like that. You know, not a snob. I like food that you might find at a carnival. It'll be varied. You're not just fish and chips and that's it. No, I don't like escargot, so no one will be eating snails. But I do like hot dogs and hamburgers, fish and chips, things like that.

[00:04:02] Are snails even allowed on your island? Oh, well, I mean, there will be a hierarchy of animals. I'm a big dog person. I heard that you have cats. I do. Yeah. Cats might be there in the early stage to like sort of on probation, maybe just to see if they function well. But dogs would be roaming free. So it would have to be cats that are, you know, dog cats.

[00:04:25] Wait, so what? OK, so if a cat is on probation, what are you looking for them not to be doing that's very like cat like? Like there seems to be something that they do that you're like, not sure we want that. I'm a very touchy feeling person. So it's an affectionate cat that I can like rub its ears and its, you know, neck. And without it turning on me and taking all of its claws and fangs and biting into my hand, which I would say about 30 percent of cats do.

[00:04:53] Like just they randomly attack the human that's giving them love. So, you know, that's what I mean. It's sort of a probationary period. If they're more of the fluffy people cats, then yes, the fat ones that like to sleep on you and purr and keep warm on cold days. That never give you if they give you dirty looks, that's expected for cats.

[00:05:14] Yeah, that's right. But yeah. But the ones that like are secretly sociopaths that like you love them and feed them and then they attack you and give you scratches and act like a mouse they want to kill. No, they're they're not going to stay. My one of my cats headbutts me, but only so he can get in and cuddle like like genuinely cuddle me at night. Like like a dog, I suppose. That's all right.

[00:05:38] I think belligerent acts of trying to get more love is very accepted in my world. I like dogs that do the same thing. I like a dog that takes his paw and like pulls your hand because he wants pets. So cats, they're same version of headbutting, you know, and if they use their paw to delicately force me to pet them, that is fine. They can be bossy. They just can't be. They can't remind me that they are predators that would prefer to hunt at night and bring me dead things.

[00:06:08] There's no predators on the island. Well, I don't know. I mean, it depends if we have overpopulation. There might be a time at which I might let loose some wolves. Like what if there are too many people on the island? You know, we've got a lot of people. Wolves is the obvious answer. Yeah. Wolves do very well in many climates. You know, lions are so big and I don't think they would do well like in Nevada, whereas wolves flourish. Wolves aren't great to look at, though. Are you OK with the aesthetic of it? No.

[00:06:38] Well, actually, here's the thing. If a wolf wandered towards me, I would be nervous. But if a lion wandered towards me, I would be terrified. At least wolves, we sort of, you know, in a knockdown, dragdown fight, I might be able to get a sort of a choke hold on them. Yes. But lion, it's like, well, OK, unless I can get up something that it can't climb or behind a door it can't knock over. I'm dead.

[00:07:02] Yeah. Wolves and polar bears are really, for me, on land, the top of the food chain that just don't care about humans. Oh, yeah. I was going to say that you I thought you were going to say that you weren't going to be scared of polar bears. And I was like, are you kidding? Lions and polar bears. Yeah. OK, I'll give you that. OK. And what we'll do is we'll set up your country. So I'd have to ask you just the starting questions are where do you want your country to be located? And I'll show you a map of the world, if you like, to give you a better idea.

[00:07:32] This will be the first time I've seen a map of the world. So this will be good for me. Oh, God help us. OK, I can send you a globe. That'd be that'd be nice. I don't want to commit that hard to this whole thing. Oh, absolutely. That's the world. It's not flat. This is just a screen you're looking at. But it's elongated. I always thought the world was round, but apparently it's sort of bulbous. It's yeah. And there is actually a lot of white around the edges as well. That's actually.

[00:08:02] Far left, there's like blue and very far right. There's there's blue. Now, do those blues meet up? They do tend to meet up every now and again. That's actually that's actually water. If you believe it. Yeah. Water. That's sometimes water. I'm not that good a swimmer. So I would probably want one of the other things. So fascinating.

[00:08:25] Are the different colors like the do they designate how friendly people are like that sort of pinkish liver color there in Russia? Does that mean they're the super friendly ones? I always go from like green to red, like like traffic lights. So I would think although the white for Greenland might be might be relevant to the Americans right now. The white, I would say, is frosty. Frosty reception you're going to get in Greenland. I'm going to leave Greenland alone. Yeah.

[00:08:55] I'm not a member of my country that will do that for the next four years. I think they deserve their own autonomy and their own independence. Yeah. But, you know, I need to find a good place where nobody's going to bother me, where my dogs and my very loving cats can flourish. Yes. God, Canada is so cold. I mean, my wife is of Irish heritage. You know, she had her 23andMe DNA done. Yes.

[00:09:23] She is 93% Irish. Wait. Did she know she was Irish before? She had a good inclination. Her name is Shawna Mahoney. So a little bit of a giveaway. Yeah. In fact, her parents spelled her first name, Shawna, S-E-A-N-A. Sean, like the boy's name. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. So would you go with, when you said Canada and didn't like mention Ireland, would you go with weather that's colder?

[00:09:50] Are you more hot blooded? I do like the hotness of Las Vegas, but I grew up in the cold of Chicago. So I'm actually terrible in every climate. Yes. Yeah. You've mastered all. But I don't need to show off by going way up into the northern territories of Canada. Yeah. Great places. Yeah. I would say an island. Let's do an island. I mean, I could do Hawaii, but it's, I would have to eliminate a lot of the overtourism there.

[00:10:19] Well, what we'll do is we'll set, we'll just poof an island into existence. We can put it right beside Hawaii. That way we're not taking over people and it gets a bit awkward legally, I think, with the podcast. Sort of like a secret island, like on the show Lost. You can do it secret. You can announce your country to the world if you want. If you want to stand in front of the UN. You can do whatever way you want to. We'll manage it. Okay. Well, how about, let's just say island TBD and the ocean is also TBD.

[00:10:49] So we can figure out where latitudinally and longitudinally I would need to be for the right climate. Perfect. Okay. What we'll do is I'll get rid of the map for a second and we will check. Do you have any idea, though, what name you would want for your island? Hmm. I gave no thought to that. How about Gary? Just Gary. Gary, yeah. So I'm going to Gary for a while if a tourist wants to join.

[00:11:16] My grandfather was born in Gary, Indiana, which is not exciting at all. But, yeah, we'll call the island Gary. Oh, my God. Sorry. Yeah. There's actually a city called Gary, Indiana. Yeah. My grandfather was born there. And it is nothing to be excited about. It is, let's say, it is a town that progress forgot. It used to be big during the steel boom. Yes.

[00:11:44] Sort of an odd semi-suburb of Chicago. I'll be honest. So I did Google Gary, Indiana, because obviously I was interested. The first picture is coming up. Google aren't selling them well. A lot of abandoned buildings. Yeah. Yeah. I think they got a lot better. I started to lose the car industry. Yes. The towns on the outside of Detroit became Rust Belt, Indiana. So you're going to bring that energy to your own island? No.

[00:12:10] I'm going to – what I'm going to do is reinvent the word Gary as a place that people don't think of as the rust of urban decay. But it's going to be now more of like a Polynesian thing. Now on, people hear Gary, they'll think the same thing they think when they hear Bora Bora. Yes. Or Chile. Or Chile, yes. Yeah. Okay. Definitely. Yeah. I love it. Gary, we're setting that up. I always said that an island would have 10 million citizens.

[00:12:39] Some people go that's way too many. Some people want more. Since you're a touchy-feely person, do you want way more citizens or do you just want 10 million? I want as many citizens that can make my life run seamlessly. So whatever infrastructure is required. So, you know, I want someone to pick up my trash. Oh, yeah. I want to have some nice restaurants. And I don't care where their food is sourced from.

[00:13:04] I don't care if it goes from like farm to nuclear waste plant to table. It doesn't matter to me. I don't need the show off. Oh, this chicken was just harvested from a field. I don't care. Just make it taste good. Once it tastes good, you're fine. So since Ireland, I'm guessing at this point that it's about 5 million people. If we double Ireland and it's 10 million, you should be running smooth, just like Ireland. Yeah.

[00:13:32] Would people of Ireland be happier if there were half as many? I seem like people that like space. Well, well, I think if you asked Irish people that and you weren't American or outside of Ireland, then they would say, oh, God, yes, get rid of us. But since you're not from Ireland, I think there's a national pride in it where I have to pretend like, no, it's a beautiful country. I wish there was more of us. We all assume we work for the tourism board. So I'm going.

[00:14:01] Yeah, it's a bit. All right. Yeah. So Britain, very Machiavellian, overwhelming need for you all to put on a false front of joy and kindness and outgoing exuberance. Yeah. Because you can. God knows if you say anything, can you? And back in America, if you say, God, the Irish are miserable, we'd be ruined. So that's how that works. Yeah.

[00:14:26] Pause on my live broadcast that I was actually broadcasting of this conversation to all of my friends here that were thinking of going to Ireland. Oh, my name. Yeah. Just remember, my name is Conor McGregor. Not Kevin. Popular. Yeah.

[00:15:13] Lovely, lovely man. Vote for like a Senate, 100 senators to run the everyday job. You are still in charge of the Ireland. You know, you make all the decisions. I think I would just pick them. I think elections take a lot of time. But I would have like a suggestion box. Yes. It's where I live that it like they could put in something like a suggestion box, like the department head secretary is a jerk. And then I could, you know, OK, well, I can change that person.

[00:15:43] I mean, I get a bunch of them, not just based on one suggestion box. But if it became like, let's say nine million nine hundred ninety seven people build the box with suggestions that they want, you know, that guy gone. I would definitely probably swap him out for some. I mean, and that guy has a wife and three kids. So like two of his family members have voted or have suggested get rid of him. And it's sad. But you're going to allow people to walk up to your house.

[00:16:11] And well, I mean, everybody is probably going to be very they will all be vetted. They'll all have to be fairly kind. You know, you know, we will have we will have some sort of I don't want to say law enforcement because I would hope that no one is committing crimes. I would hope that no matter what their job is, everybody is so idyllic in the world that is being created. You know, I don't want to be a harsh and demanding ruler. And I'm not going to be terribly high maintenance.

[00:16:39] I would like to live a fairly simple life, not feeling like I'm in charge of all these people. Yes. Yes. So when the people are coming in because they're the ones coming over to live in Gary, they're very excited. They don't have to vote. You're sorting out everything. Everyone's peaceful. Are you vetting any of them coming in to say, look, if you're going to act like a cat, we don't want you here? Well, a cat that doesn't like affection. I mean, I would clarify that because otherwise I don't want them to think I hate all cats.

[00:17:07] So if I'm someone who wants to join the country and I arrive on an airplane, come off the airport, I meet one of your, you or someone that you have there to ask me some questions whether I'm suitable for the island. What questions would you be asking? Probably like, first of all, like what kind of music you like? Like if you like electronic dance music, I'm probably not going to let you on the island. I only like national anthems. OK, that's fine.

[00:17:37] Those are well composed. They're basically classic music. They usually require an orchestra. So the people that play national anthems have musical skills. You know, I love the pride in someone's country. I am. I am all about the nationalism, which is not problematic. Imagine a national anthem that was crafted by Diplo, right? He probably doesn't play any instruments other than maybe a synthesizer. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:18:02] And I like to listen to it and also sing loudly to it at all hours of night. Is that OK? Can I still? Wouldn't be able to live close enough in earshot of me. Oh, but I live beside the nursing home.

[00:18:16] But if you live in a nursing home and let's say those people put into the suggestion box that you are unnerving all of the elderly people and so on, like past a certain number, then you either have to stop singing or you have to have a soundproof panic room in which you would sing your national anthems at full voice so that no one else would be bothered. There's ways to look at these aberrant behaviors that mean that you get to do your little fantasy.

[00:18:45] That would be we would have a problem solving group. So I would I would I would have a group solvers. So when there was a differences between people that might be stemming from one person doing something that's really loud or annoying or whatever, we would figure out a way if possible before deporting that person to create a utopia for them. That doesn't they can still have their bliss without bothering the people around.

[00:19:11] So you would have like an anthem scream chamber, maybe down the base of a soundproof turret that you lived in. That's that's ideal. So you will build that for me. Well, we'll figure it out. Like you might be involved in the building yourself. That might become your full time job is to build your anthem chamber. I'm a great supervisor. OK, well, there you go. And, you know, you might lure people into it. I don't know what the monetary system is. I don't I don't like to get caught up in the minutia. I know that seems needless.

[00:19:41] A TV show from time to time. Listen to my own music. Play with my dogs. And, you know, if I have a very affectionate cat that headbutts me. Yeah, I might have one of those as well. OK, OK. So he's allowed into the island. You ever heard of ragdoll cats? No, that's worrying. All the ragdoll cats. You'll have to look it up on the Internet. You know, it might be bad in the whole UK area.

[00:20:07] So ragdoll cats are cats that just like lay in any position. You just sort of they just melt in your lap, usually sleep on their back. And they are the most like cuddly. They're kind of like a stoner cat. Like they always seem like they're a little high. They're not high, you know, strong and leaping all over the place and chasing. Yes. Toys. They just kind of mellow out. You can just pick them up and just hold them and they just sort of drape over your arm. The ones I'm looking here, they're all very white and fluffy. Yeah.

[00:20:35] We said about your country's name being Gary. Do you have an official title that you'd like people to call you? So it would just be the big guy. Just the big guy. It would sort of allude in a casual way to my status. Sort of like, oh, yes, yes, we're going to take catered lunch to the big guy. Oh, the big guy. Having a big, you know, water slide party. Whatever I do. But so it would like I am big.

[00:21:03] I'm six foot four and I have an enormous head. So in European size, I think I'm a 63 hat size. Oh, geez. But are you OK with people if you're out in the street? If they say, hey, the big guy and they like finger salute, finger gun, bang, bang. I think it's like anything in limitation, you know, like people who famous people that have a catchphrase that everybody says every time they see them. You know, after a while, that might get annoying.

[00:21:33] So, you know, I may not go out as much if everybody has to be the big guy. Yeah. But I end up being a little more aloof, like my own personality. I tend to not be super social. My wife and I usually go out to dinner with another couple or something. But we're not like, oh, let's go to a party and play some parties and hang out in big groups. We almost never do that. So you're going to kind of seclude yourself if people keep shouting the big guy at you? Possibly.

[00:22:03] Who knows? You know, there's always dissent. If you are the big guy and sort of the final arbiter of decisions that are made in a civilization, obviously people are going to be complaining like your neighbors will be complaining when you're singing La Marseille full voice. But, you know, that's where you try to solve these problems. And I'm helping to solve them in a way that keeps everybody happy. But, you know, you can't keep everybody happy. So sometimes they will be dissent.

[00:22:31] So if I don't feel safe, then, you know, I might say, well, 10 million is too many people. Let's go down to like 100 people. And then we'll start to figure it out. So if they piss you off of it, you're removing 9,999,900? No, barely. No, I'm just saying that I'm willing to go from the extremes of trying to keep 10 million people happy, which is almost impossible. Yes. To keep like 1,000 or 100 people.

[00:22:59] Oh, so you'll just leave that threat in the air for them to go. Just remember, it can go this way. It can go from utopia to dystopia very quickly. I mean, I feel like all of them were invited by me. So there are guests technically in my house. That's true. Meaning that I'm a little hairy. So it changed my mind because they are either annoying or they're having criminal intent or whatever. Yeah. Everybody's here on invitation only.

[00:23:26] And they have come willingly knowing that's the danger for them. So they can't really complain. Have you ever been on a cruise ship? No. Are you inviting me? I am not. But I have been on a cruise ship. And all the people that work on a cruise ship are kind of indentured servants. Like they all are paid way too little. And they are there all day long, all night long. And they have like four shifts and they have like a two hour window to actually sleep and talk to their family. I don't want it to be that bad.

[00:23:56] But if you're invited to this island, you know, you work and then you do whatever you want in your own free time. Yes. And if I have 100 people, then there's a lot less need. You know, we probably have two restaurants. And so we just have to sort of feed 100 people. That's that makes it easy. Yeah. It's more like a commute with dogs and cats. With dogs and cats. And wolves to cull. Yes. You have the you have the wolves in the background just in case.

[00:24:26] Do you by the way, have you any idea still back on whereabouts you want to place Gary in the world? Uh, I probably somewhere close to the equator in one of the oceans because I like consistent sunlight. I find it so annoying the difference in temperature between summer and winter. And I kind of like that if you live near the equator, it's basically the same temperature, give or take a rainstorm. So do you want to put it in? Where's the equator? There it is. That little line. Do you want to put it somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean?

[00:24:55] I mean, the Atlantic Ocean is kind of a small ocean, which means there's still people kind of close. To me, even if I'm in the middle. Do you want to go? Oh, yes. Okay. From New York to Paris, something like that. So New York could be there and then you're going, yeah, Paris here. Yeah. I'd like to make it more inconvenient. So I'm thinking, I'm thinking the Pacific Ocean. So wait a minute. It makes it harder for people to get there on self-made wraps and things.

[00:25:24] Where is this? This is, I cannot, Honolulu, is that? Honolulu is Hawaii, part of Hawaii. God, I'm bad at geography. I didn't realize it was off the way over there. So you want to just far away from people as you can? If they're. Somewhere between Japan and Seattle. Yes. But south, toward the equator. Perfect. Perfect. Okay. We'll place that island there. We'll put 10 million people can come in. They can go away if they don't like it. But I do have a tough question for you, though.

[00:25:53] Your island is set up. Everything's working fine. The wolves are happy. The dogs are happy. The cats are happy. But there is a scandal about to break out involving you that some of the people aren't going to be happy with. The good thing is you're allowed to pick what the scandal is. So if your advisor said, look, this scandal has broken out. Your approval rating has gone from 99% down to 84%.

[00:26:18] You know, we think you should go on the nightly news show, maybe have a sit down interview or explain what just happened. Would you do it? Or would you think, no, let's ignore the scandal? No, I think I would mean it head on. You know, I'd calm their fears and prejudices and make them laugh, hopefully. So if you sit down on the news, on the news program and you have your interviewer there, top journalist in the country of Gary, and his name is Anderson.

[00:26:48] And he says, thank you very much, the big guy for joining me. I appreciate it. People want to know simply why. Why did you do what you did? Well, there's several reasons I could have done something that would be construed as horrible. I was crabby. So if it was something that I broke something, let's say I broke a radio. If I was drunk, maybe I acted inappropriately and vomited on someone.

[00:27:16] You know, I mean, I can't imagine if I'm king of everything because I'm not an aberrant person that's going to like force people to be my sex slave. So it's never going to be like human sex trafficking of any sort. Right. You know, I like a lot of different types of music except for electric dance music, electronic dance music. And so I'm not going to offend anybody with my musical tastes. Yes. I do like dogs more than cats. So that might ruffle some feathers.

[00:27:45] That's not going to drop 15 percent, surely. I mean, the vomiting on someone and then breaking the radio might if you were doing it because you were crabby. Yeah. So I think in a utopian world that's been designed for me to be as happy as possible, I can't imagine the kind of scandal that I would be setting myself up for. I'm sure I would surround myself with, you know, advisors that I wasn't sexually attracted to in any way, shape or form.

[00:28:13] So I wouldn't find myself embroiled in a sex scandal. And so that seems to be the thing that brings down most rulers, leaders, dictators and oligarchs. You know, in my utopian world, we would have solved the money problem so that pretty much everyone would have what they wanted. We're going to be living on a beautiful equatorial island. Yes.

[00:28:34] Their jobs are going to be fairly minimal if you have to, you know, work in a restaurant or, you know, be part of the construction team that builds. Everybody's going to be very well paid. This is when you have so few people, actually, all of them like a commune work together toward the common good. Well, that common good with an asterisk. But of course, the good of the big guy. Yeah. This is my utopia.

[00:29:03] And this is their sort of Shangri-La workspace. So the people would say, or the Anderson, who is the top journalist, would say to you, well, the problem is that people are outraged about is that you brought all these wolves onto the island. And those wolves have attacked some electronic dance players and broken their radios. Well, technically, electronic dance is not supposed to be happening on the island. I've said too much.

[00:29:31] We have every other music genre to listen to from anthems to classical music to hip hop to disco to, you know, German craft work, new wave. There's no. We were doing it in our secluded soundproof rooms. We thought it would be fine. And your wolves came in and they. The attack was brought on by that music. It seems to be.

[00:29:56] I mean, then I would have to have a conversation with the wolf wrangler for why they got into an area of the civilian domiciles. I guess that would be the first question. So that's not that's not a scandal. That's my fault. That's a negligence on the part of the wolf. Wolves handler. And are you going to punish him? A lot of people are suggesting you punish him.

[00:30:17] Well, I mean, we're not going to have a lynch mob for a guy just because he might have forgotten to latch the wolf after he cleaned out, mucked out the wolf stables. You know, I'm trying to be a fair guy. If everybody's bringing their problems with pitchforks and flaming torches to me because a wolf attacked people that were listening to music that's not even really accepted on the island, it seems almost like karma. Oh, so you're blaming the people for being mauled.

[00:30:46] Well, I'm just saying no more than it. Was there a little negligence on the wolf handlers place? Yes. But is the wolf providing a very good job for security? Should a criminal come along that someone goes on a crime spree? They let's loose the wolves or a cat scratches its owner's hand? Yes. Wolves. So, you know, everybody needs a security force.

[00:31:12] But one of the least corruptible security forces that you can have is, you know, wolves. A well-fed wolf. Yeah. Canis lupus. So are you suggesting so that everyone has done some part? Everyone has some bit of fault in this incident except you. You've done nothing wrong. No, I mean, it's all about intention.

[00:31:33] If I'm intending to have a worry-free that suits almost everyone that lives there and it's not intended to make anyone sad, there's still accidents. A tree may fall down. A tree trimmer might cut a tree and the branch lands and kills somebody. You know, we're not going to arrest him for murder or sue the person that planted the tree or the hardware person who sold him the saw when he cut the thing down, etc., etc.

[00:32:03] So we're only going to hold people certainly culpable for actual crimes. You know, serial killers, mass murderers, rude restaurant hostesses, that kind of stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the top tree. Okay. By the way, what do you call the citizens of Gary? Are they just Garyans? Gary? Yeah. Garyans? We'd all probably have a vote. Could be Garyans.

[00:32:33] Garyans? Yeah. Guardians. It could be, you know, you never know. So I'm just wondering, since you seem a very open big guy, you're trying to keep everyone happy. Would you allow your citizens to ask questions? Sure. Like a leader's questions bit. I'm not going to spend all day answering everyone's questions, but they can ask questions.

[00:32:56] And then the ones that someone else filters through, you know, I'll answer 10 questions a day. So every day in my little red box, like the King of England has, they'll have the envelope with the 10 questions of civilians. Well, I do have, I do actually have a few questions from citizens. If you do mind asking, I can quick fire these if you want. Do we have any unfinished building housing for all these citizens?

[00:33:26] They've already got questions. Oh, don't worry. Your inner council got to that. They did the plumbing. They have the traffic lights up. It's all working fine. So much more work than I was hoping it would be. Yeah. So one person just wrote in here saying, do you have a right hand man running the country or who would your, I guess, vice president be or your vice smaller guy be? The little guy. I mean, it doesn't really matter. I'm sure I would have. Someone off the street.

[00:33:55] You know, like I said, I, this is, this, I mean, I just, I just named the place. I just secured ocean rights to a little area. Yeah. Just west of Hawaii in the Pacific Ocean. Yeah. East of Polynesia. So, I mean, I still got a lot to figure out, but yeah, I'm going to hire someone that, that is really good at clerical work. Because as you can see, I'm more of an artistic bent.

[00:34:19] I don't really handle the minutiae of, you know, running this world that I'm sort of in charge of. So you're going to interview people on the island and who is ever good at clerical and administrative work, numbers guy or whatever, they'll get it. Yes. And, you know, he has to pass an ethics test and, you know, and, you know, we'll have a tracker on him so that if he does something horribly illegal, then the wolves will. Will be drawn to him. Yes. Yes.

[00:34:49] Perfect. Are you doing that for all the citizens or just him or anyone in government? In high ranking positions that could do damage to the well-being of the whole society. Someone who might have access, let's say, all of the wealth that keeps us and sustains us. Hopefully that idea catches on in other countries. That's not a bad idea. Another question is, do you have any roles for the rest of the Who's Line cast members? Are we allowing them on the island? No, Colin could come visit, you know. But for a week.

[00:35:19] You know, we could actually do shows if they wanted to. Oh, yeah. Like have a yearly jam session. But even though I would be the ruler of this utopia, my high maintenance doesn't really compare to all of those guys. They're really high maintenance. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Don't let me start. If Colin is joining for visits, do you want us to place a tracker on him while he's here? No. He's pretty slow. He wouldn't even be able to get away from you. He'd be easy.

[00:35:47] He wouldn't even have to sit with the wolves on him if he committed a crime. Just one of our cats. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Perfect. Right. I'll make sure the cats are familiar with him so they can attack. Here's another question. What song is your national anthem? You know, I've always liked the French national anthem. I don't want to create an international incident. But boy, that would really piss them off. We just use their French national anthem as Gary's national anthem. And do you change any of it or just take it? You know, everybody has to learn a little French.

[00:36:16] We're actually going to be close to French Polynesia. So it'll be a chance when they go on holiday, they'll be able to speak the language of where they're holidaying. Oh, yeah. Okay. So you just take their thing. You're... We don't pay for someone to write music for it. They waste time. It's public domain at this point. If you have their national anthem, are you going to take their flag as well? Or is your flag going to be your face? Or what symbol is going to represent the country? Their flag is too confusing.

[00:36:46] Because really, all those three color red, white, and either green or blue or foreign. It's like Mexico, Italy, France, Ireland. You know, and you put a little sticker in the middle of it. And then you can add India. They're all the same. Ivory Coast in Ireland has just switched. You know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what are you thinking for your flag? Your flag? Italy are very close too. Just the faint difference in the colors of that reddish color. Yeah, their printer was working badly.

[00:37:16] So what would your flag be, do you think? Well, we would... Since we've already stolen someone's national anthem, we would take the state flag of Maryland. Maryland has a great flag. It looks like an old sort of jousting coat of arms. And I've always liked it. It's the best looking flag in all of the states. So I would take that. It feels very regal. It feels kind of old school. Like a guy before the joust would tromp by and wave to the queen.

[00:37:44] And that would be his colors in coat of arms. I'm just looking it up. It's like... It's yellow and black in two squares and in red and white. Yes. The other two? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to have to look up what the hell were they thinking on that? Okay. Yeah. It's not bad. Okay. There's another question. There's one or two more, I think, from your citizens. Can you name those citizens? I just want to know who's already asking questions. Oh, it's Jim is asking this next one.

[00:38:13] I am watching this, listening to this. I don't want them to be outed. I'm just curious. So practically question hungry. We haven't even gotten the place set up yet. They were very enthusiastic about joining. Long-time fans. Because they're so proactive, they might end up being part of the government that helps set things up. Because I like go-getters. I like inquisitive people. And I'm innately lazy myself. So I want people that are going to do the work.

[00:38:40] They wanted to set up everything once the plumbing was done, you see. They're not taking days off. Jim just was asking, would you make it illegal to be an asshole? Well, that would be hypocritical. No. No. It depends. Like, there's several types of assholes. There's assholes who make jokes and fart and annoy people. And then there are assholes who are racist. So, you know, I mean, there's a picture of what I consider an asshole.

[00:39:10] And yeah, the annoying, funny, stupid, look-at-me people are fine. They're funny. But then there's assholes that, you know, make women feel uncomfortable at a bar or, you know, they're not. They might not stay on the island long. Do you know, just even advising there, would you, since you had, since you have all the cats on probation for six months, would you then have the assholes on probation and say, don't be that sort of asshole. Be, if you're going to be one. Be the. Like, cat-version therapy.

[00:39:40] Like, they start off with a asshole. And, well, you know, I would hope that the early vetting process of, before we bring everyone over to the island, that we would have some of that stuff out. And then, yes, there would be a probation and maybe they'd get written up. And then, you know, depending on how many demerits they get, well, then they might be asked to move to another island. You would ship them off to another island. Maybe even Hawaii. Okay. I have one other question. And I don't know where this came from. It was, it was, it was written in blood.

[00:40:09] My mother. It's, it's not signed, but it says, when it comes to the legality of sexual acts, do you plan on only listing the sexual acts that are legal or only listing the sexual acts that are illegal? Well, I think it would take more time to write the ones that are legal. Oh, yes. Okay. It's going to be a wide open society. I think part of keeping everyone happy is letting them do what they want. How often they can do it physically. Within reason. Yes. Yeah. On their sex.

[00:40:39] The Vito. Age. Yeah. So you're, you're open for business in every sort of way. Um, okay, great. Yeah. So, all right. We'll just name the ones that are illegal. Yes. Perfect. Okay. So, um, there is a knock on your door. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. I'm going to say come in because I don't have security yet. The wolves have not been delivered. So can I talk through the little. Oh, you have the little thing. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Uh, hello. It's, it's just the guy looking after the finances. It's Paul. Hello. Hello. Big guy. Hello.

[00:41:09] Hello. Um, I was just checking the numbers. Country is doing fantastic. Uh, we have a lot of money. It's about a hundred billion we have in our account. So your citizens are extremely happy to be here. They would love to build you a monument or a statue, something that they could celebrate, but they're not very creative. They're very clerical minded people. Do you have any ideas? Do you have any ideas? What sort of statue or monument they could build you?

[00:41:37] The statue can be in whatever shape they choose, but it has to dispense, uh, nachos and snow cones and ice cream and, uh, chili dogs. And it's going to be a giant office printer. Is that okay? That's fine. As long as from some orifice of the office printer, it, uh, dispenses all these fun things that when people bring their kids to the park to see the monument.

[00:42:01] Uh, that it gives them lovely picnic time, summer snacks because it's going to be basically summer all year round. Of course. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Sun is always at the apex. Like it's straight up in the air at noon every day and never changes. So we're building a 98 foot tall printer that dispenses ice cream and nachos and stuff like that. Perfect. Okay. Fantastic. Um, did Paul leave after asking? Oh, he said, I'll get right on it. No, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's gone away. You're absolutely fine.

[00:42:30] There is, uh, a little bit of bad news. There is a very serious moment for you. Um, it's not an easy thing to say, you know, but you don't have to worry. You're safe. But there was a coup attempt. Coup attempt. So the coup attempt was, was by that, that, uh, Wolf Wrangler. He thought he was unfairly thrown under the bus. Oh, he feels thrown under the bus by the hypothetical that we talked about earlier. About, about the, the scandal that happened.

[00:42:58] And he thought, why are you having a go at me? You know, you're the one who was being blamed. So he did, he did try to take over. Uh, don't worry. He was caught. He's caught. He's sitting there in jail. Just need to know what do we do with this guy? Well, I think we have him fill out a questionnaire. And the questionnaire is, would you, A, rather live in Hawaii or B, be eaten by wolves? When, when you say, um, eaten by wolves, does he get to go in there and like battle a wolf for his life?

[00:43:27] Or is he just, no, you're tied down. No, you know, I mean, there's 10 wolves currently. He doesn't have a chance. He's a big guy. I'm giving him the option of living in one of the vacation spots of the entire world. I, I'm not, I, I'm giving him one choice that he should take. Cause I now don't trust him to be in charge of the wolves. He's a, he's the only person to, on this barely formed hypothetical land that we barely have infrastructure.

[00:43:54] And there's already been a scandal and a political overthrow. I mean, he's good. Okay. So you're going to give me money. I'm the regular. And I think one of them is amazing. One of them is you live in one of the most coveted utopian places on planet earth. And the other one is you messed up one of the most utopian places on earth. And now you could be eaten by wolves. So if I take the, uh, Hawaii option, you will pay for me to go over. You're saying you as if you were in charge of the wolves.

[00:44:24] Is that what you're telling me? Oh, so yes. Sorry. I should mention that as part of this podcast, and I know it's near the end that I am just a voice in your head and I will play the roles of anyone who pops up. Oh, all right. Well, I'm going to have to restructure that sometime soon. I didn't realize you were now advocating because you were speaking about him in the third person earlier. So now you are taking credit for the wolf coup.

[00:44:46] If, if I was exactly him and I said, oh, I, um, I will, uh, I will take the Hawaii option. Will you give me money so I can get over there? We will transport you. You no longer get any currency of Gary. Yeah, but you can't just put him there and like say, oh, you're living in a paradise and he's just out in the street. He has no money. Until he finds a job. Yeah. But so you'll keep him, keep him well fed before he finds a job. We'll give him some food right before he leaves.

[00:45:14] And then from there on out, his digestive tract will have to find other sources of food. Did I mention that he tried a coup, a coup that could ended in bloodshed for several cats? Possibly I could have been hurt. A lot of people think he was just visiting your house that night. Well, then why was I told that it was a coup? Oh no, it definitely was a coup. If the experts say this was a coup, then it was a coup.

[00:45:38] If now hearsay and neighborhood chattel says that he was just visiting my house, why was he visiting my house with all of the wolves? Because I have French bulldogs roaming around in the courtyard. And if he brings the wolves over here, he won't even have the choice to go to Hawaii. Let's just say that. If he kills one of my French bulldogs, that's all over. But he shouted at one of them. Yes. Oh, at one of my French bulldogs? Yeah, he shouted. Very aggressively. And even if he hadn't done a coup, I probably would tell him to go to Hawaii. All right.

[00:46:08] So you were just kicking him out of the country at this point. Screw him. Yes. The coup is 90% plausible. And he's yelled at my dogs now. I find no love for him any longer. In fact, if I could, I would send him through the printer in the center of town and he would come out the other side, chili or nachos. So. Jesus. Okay. All right. Yeah. No, he's, he's, he's, he's mercifully going onto that boat or ship or plane or whatever. He's onto Hawaii.

[00:46:38] Hey, you've successfully done that. There is a knock on your door again. Knock, knock, knock. Hello. Hello. Oh, you're not, you're, you're doing the latches. They're the, yeah. Yeah. Um, it's Paul again. Hello. Oh, hello, Paul. Hi. You look guy that works for me. Yeah. Um, we all look the same. Um, just let you know your, your monument, the big printer that dispenses ice cream and nachos and stuff that has been built. It looks lovely. Um, I am about to head on my plane.

[00:47:08] I'm about to go on holiday to Portugal for six weeks. Oh, that's great. I love Portugal. Um, have you ever been? No. Oh, lovely, lovely. Beautiful weather. It's always warm, right? Um, just to let you know, before I go, I just checked the accounts one more time just before, before we go. Um, it turns out there was a minus sign in front of that a hundred billion. So we didn't actually have any money. Um, you know, how much was the printer?

[00:47:37] Oh, like 30 billion. So we're actually minus 130 billion in debt. Um, anyway, I'm going to go down and get on a plane. If you can figure out maybe how we make money on this island, cause we're broke. Uh, so Paul, Paul's going to leave. So, uh, how do I know you're coming back? I'll be back in six weeks. I've, I've a job coming back to, you know, you don't seem happy. Well, I mean, I started off thinking I had a $100 billion surplus.

[00:48:02] And then in fact, due to the missing, but, but very important minus sign, you put the nation in debt 30% more than it was. You, you spent a ridiculous amount of money on a center of town monument that dispenses chili and looks like a printer. And that was your idea. Snow cones. Well, I just had the, the, the, I thought we had a, I thought this was going to cost like a million dollars. It's in the middle of the park.

[00:48:31] I didn't think it was going to cost 30. I thought I could trust your, uh, financial, uh, responsibility with the budget to not spend what now is a third of our debt. Um, can I defend myself? I don't know. Uh, well, I'll give it a try. So, you know, it's very warm here. It's very sunny. You just said it's sunny all day, all every day of the year, right?

[00:48:58] Um, to be fair to me, there was a shine on the computer screen and I just didn't see that minus just got faded out with the sun. Could happen to anyone. I don't accept glare as an oversight of a swing in value of $200 million because the difference between two, a hundred million and minus a hundred million is exactly 200 billion. Yeah. Is what it is.

[00:49:21] And, uh, that, that's, you need glasses that don't have glare and you should put your computer in a lean to that has shade. I'll do that when I come back from holiday. I better go. I'm just. Come back. What? I think I'm going to demote you and I'm going to send you to a training center off this island with wolves where you will train wolves until you've learned your lesson. Okay. So after my six weeks, I'll come back and I'll take over the wolf wrangling.

[00:49:50] You really, you really want to go to Portugal, don't you? I'm on my holiday because I saved up the hours. So, you know. Well, I guess while you're gone, I'll figure out how to make up the debt of $130 billion. Yes. So any, any ideas on that? Any, any that comes to mind? I don't like the fact that I live in a utopia whose, uh, entire relevance and success or survival is based on how glary your laptop computer is on any given day.

[00:50:19] I mean, to be fair, you put the island in a very sunny part of the world. You're really making me want to give up this whole island. Would you, would you just flee? What? Well, I thought we were just still in the early stages. A little bit, but you had to build a monument. And I, if I had known any of this, that we were actually in debt, a hundred billion, when we don't even have hardly any people here, just some wolves and some very docile cats and some French bulldogs and two restaurants. Just seems like, how are we in the hole that much?

[00:50:49] Well, it did the permit for the land right beside Hawaii. I mean, that costs a lot. Um, well, we built it like they did Dubai. We just had dredges making piles of giant rock in the ocean until we finally built it up enough to build the island because there was no island. Isn't that a financial disaster for them? They didn't bid me at 100 billion. I think they did it like 2 billion.

[00:51:17] So if they go, that's theirs to eat. And that thing, then we should only be 28 billion underwater from the 30 that you approved. So you think, so are you going to not be given suggestions how to make money, rather you're going to argue that you don't actually owe that much? I think before you go to Portugal, I think you should scrap this monument for parts and find out how much of that 30 billion you can get back.

[00:51:46] Because this is all turning, well, it's turning to shit, quite frankly. Right. Really disappointed because I thought that being just the semi leader controller of a utopian faraway island was going to be like a lot easier. I mean, I've already had questions and a scandal and attempted to do it. Oh, God, it just seems like such a letdown. I almost rather would work on someone else's island. Maybe Elon Musk needs a towel boy or something.

[00:52:16] So you're going to you're going to send an email to him to say, do you need a job or do you need you need someone? Towel boy. He's a psychopath. OK, good. You haven't gone that far. Do you. Someone who is rich beyond his wildest dreams. So we'll we'll we'll strip down the printer that's dispensing ice cream. We'll say to hell with that. Look, people, we're in debt. And and we'll try and work out like what we can salvage out of that amount. Yeah.

[00:52:44] I mean, it's a loosely formed gland, but I think it's always got it. And Paul is going to get on his flight and he'll come back in six weeks for the wolf. You know, I think the most important thing that we can all agree on is that Paul wants to go to Portugal and everybody else is going to sit by the wayside in squalor and poverty. Hilly gets back hoping that someone is willing to buy our giant printer ice cream dispenser. That's broken in half now.

[00:53:12] The world has turned into so quickly. The cost of running that is astronomical. The gold denying fist would have been so much easier. I was trying to be prevalent with cats. With the final question, I usually ask if you have a long reign at some point, you have to consider who's going to be your heir, who's going to take over Gary when you decide to either leave it or you pass away into the beautiful night.

[00:53:40] The only thing you have to do is you have to pick someone who is like it can't be a hypothetical great, great grandson. So who would you announce as your heir to the throne or the kingdom of Gary? The utopia of Gary. Well, Paul was on my short list because he was here. Yeah. And now I've lost faith. You come back. So here's my list of no's and Paul is at the top of that list. So I'll just put that one in that file. I don't know.

[00:54:08] I guess I would have to give it to someone who I think could turn this place into a Shangri-La. Ah, so my guess would it would either be Hugh Jackman or Taylor Swift. Probably those two between the two of them. They're both beloved, so friendly to everyone. And, you know, they have a lot of energy. They seem to always be working.

[00:54:29] Have you ever met either one of them or do you think I could get in contact with them or do you reckon any of them, one or the other, would be more likely to accept it? First, let me say I have slept with one of them. And then let me say I have never met Taylor Swift. Yes, beautiful. Infer from that what you choose. Yeah. So you reckon whoever it is will definitely owe you a solid? Yes. That's not a euphemism.

[00:54:57] I might still work with a $30 billion debt that I've somehow inherited. You don't have to tell him that. Oh, okay. When Hugh Jackman comes on board, are you going to stay on the island? Are you off it? I'll probably be off of it. You're going to ship away. You've gigs to do. You know, it's like you've seen the rise and fall. It, in my brain, seemed so majestic and exciting. And, you know, it turned to shit pretty quickly. I mean, debt like I'd never seen.

[00:55:25] And, you know, here I was ingratiating myself to cats. And then I get into so much kerfuffle over wolves. And, you know, I wanted everybody to have it they liked and not be overworked. Look what that got me. And your reign does seem like a bit of a supernova. Is that it? Something that sparks into life quickly and fades out. Yeah, I would think it's more like a wonder wall. Oh, or even that. Yeah, yeah. Much like, yeah, it's going the way of Gary, Indiana.

[00:55:53] Do you have what would your final words be of your your final words to the people, like your words of wisdom before you depart the island forever? Try to make this place a usable space for all the cats, all the dogs. That's it. That's it. Screw the people as long as the cats and dogs are happy. People. Like people. So really, as long as they make this area good for them, just cats and dogs will probably have to get rid of the wolves because it's going to be too dangerous to the cats and dogs.

[00:56:23] And no one can be trusted to take care of the wolves. Last guy tried to coo. You're not going to take the wolves with you, no? You can have them. I don't care for wolves. I just think they're good. They're just a good, good, good safety device. OK, OK. I think the citizens of Gary would still wave you off fondly remembering you. But I mean, let's be honest, be very excited for Hugh Jackman showing up. That'll also be very fun. Brad, thank you very much. Where do you wait? What are you up to?

[00:56:50] Where do people find you offline and online and places like that? Well, they can find where Colin and I are performing, mostly in North America, at colinandbrad.com. No, colinandbradshow.com. And that has our schedule in North America. And that's all I'm doing. Just loving the tour. I've been touring for 23 years, and that's my main job. So that's all I need to pitch. You said at the very start that you're a very touchy-feely person, right? Yes.

[00:57:20] So does that mean next time, well, next time I'm in North America, which will be never. But next time I'm in Ireland, does that mean if I run up with my arms outstretched for a hug, you will hug me or will I be worried about wolves? No, hugging is fine. I'm a hug person. Yes, I'm a hug. But if the hug is too long, then maybe there will be wolves involved. I'll keep that in mind. Second rule, tops. Six seconds is really uncomfortable. Seven seconds is assault. Five seconds.

[00:57:50] I'll count out loud. It'll be beautiful. Okay. Thank you very much. Okay. And everyone else, thank you for listening. And there will be another episode next week. Bye, everyone.