A new Episode of the Tyrant In Training podcast. Hosted by Kevin Ryan.
Todays guest is comedian and podcast host of Smoochie Town podcast Marco Delvecchio
Also known as the Commander in Smooch of Smoochie Island with a strict a salmon only diet and rampant in prosti-smoochtion. 1 dollar buys 0.3 of a smooch.
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[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to The Tyrant In Training Podcast. This is an improv comedy podcast where guests live out their tyrannical, maniacal, benevolent, malevolent fantasies.
[00:00:07] I'm Kevin Reiner, I'm the host and also the sycophantic supporter of every guest no matter how terrible their ideas are.
[00:00:12] Today's guest is stand-up comedian Marco Delvecchio who's also the host of the podcast Smoochie Town which you can listen to but only after you listen to all of this episode please.
[00:00:20] Today Marco is also known as the commander in Smooch of Smoochie Island and here are some out of context quotes from Marco himself about what he always talks about on a first date.
[00:00:29] Just go make my penis statue. I'm not gonna say that I'm the best smoocher in the world but I am the most consistent.
[00:00:37] I feel like the people there are honest citizens and there's not too much going on besides smooching.
[00:00:43] Listen Kev, everyone on the island's fucking.
[00:00:45] Don't forget you can subscribe to The Tyrant In Training Podcast everywhere you find podcasts.
[00:00:48] You can follow the podcast on social media at at Tyrant Podcast on Twitter, YouTube, TikTok and Instagram and for more info there's a website which is tyrantintraining.podcastpage.
[00:00:59] Marco Delvecchio, can I ask you a question? You have a podcast called Smoochie Town, right?
[00:01:04] I do.
[00:01:05] Okay, why isn't it Smoochie City?
[00:01:09] I think because the residents of Smoochie Town are just, they're residents of a town.
[00:01:16] In a city, the hustle and bustle, subways, skyscrapers, town, it's very nostalgic.
[00:01:22] It's very the countryside, home, rural, you know, and I feel like the people there are honest citizens.
[00:01:28] There's not too much going on besides smooching.
[00:01:31] Okay, now and just because, you know, you're in America, I'm in Ireland, I just want to make sure.
[00:01:35] Smooching is getting something, right? It's kissing.
[00:01:38] It's...
[00:01:38] It can be whatever you want, maybe.
[00:01:40] It's getting something. It's day.
[00:01:41] Yeah.
[00:01:42] It could be kissing. It could be a first date, last date.
[00:01:45] It could be just like, hey, I went to the doctor's office and he was a little handsy at the colonoscopy.
[00:01:49] You know, it's just smooching around.
[00:01:50] Oh, that's depressing.
[00:01:51] Okay, okay.
[00:01:52] It's kissing.
[00:01:53] Okay, it's kissing, right?
[00:01:54] So you're saying...
[00:01:55] You're right with the smoochy city, though.
[00:01:57] I didn't think about it in the beginning because smoochy city does have that alliteration where it would roll off the tongue more.
[00:02:03] However, I just made that up on the spot about being a town and I don't know why.
[00:02:07] No, it does have the quaintness.
[00:02:08] I like that.
[00:02:09] Like, I'm not criticizing even the story.
[00:02:10] It's quaint.
[00:02:12] I'm just thinking, like, I come from a town in Ireland.
[00:02:14] Maybe it's different in America, but, like, smoochy city sounds like I'm getting busy.
[00:02:18] Like, I don't have a day off, right?
[00:02:20] It's great for me.
[00:02:20] But smoochy town is just full of pubs and alcoholics.
[00:02:24] It's not that fun to be honest.
[00:02:26] Those are my guests, especially my co-host.
[00:02:29] Yeah.
[00:02:30] Yeah, no, maybe move her to the city.
[00:02:32] Okay, first, I have to ask the first question.
[00:02:34] You're going to move...
[00:02:35] When I start this island off for you, we're not going to take over any area, right?
[00:02:39] We don't promote that sort of thing on this podcast.
[00:02:41] But we're going to set up an island.
[00:02:43] We're going to poof an island into existence in the water and you'll be fine, right?
[00:02:46] How are you with geography?
[00:02:49] Very good.
[00:02:50] Good.
[00:02:50] Right?
[00:02:51] Apparently grammar, I'm not good.
[00:02:53] It shouldn't be very well.
[00:02:54] But I don't know.
[00:02:55] Yeah, I'm good at geography.
[00:02:56] Okay, what I can do is I can share a world map, right?
[00:02:58] And what I'll ask you is any ideas where you want to put your island?
[00:03:01] Oh, yeah.
[00:03:02] I got you right now, buddy.
[00:03:03] I'm going to go right on the east coast of the United States.
[00:03:09] Like New York.
[00:03:12] No, we're going to go south.
[00:03:13] I want to go somewhere tropical.
[00:03:14] Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:03:15] The warm weather.
[00:03:16] Yeah, maybe in between Florida and Cuba.
[00:03:20] Is there not like earthquakes and stuff you have to deal with?
[00:03:23] Ironically enough, we got a 5.1 on the Richter scale yesterday and the whole house was shaking and I was shaking in my boots.
[00:03:30] But like, you know, do you need to like evacuate?
[00:03:35] We have a spare bed here if you need.
[00:03:36] Like, we don't get that in Ireland.
[00:03:38] We get nothing.
[00:03:39] No?
[00:03:40] What do you get?
[00:03:40] Just snow and beer?
[00:03:42] We don't get...
[00:03:42] I'd love some snow.
[00:03:43] No, no.
[00:03:44] We get rain.
[00:03:45] Honestly, it was so funny.
[00:03:47] Good few years ago.
[00:03:48] God, I can't remember the name.
[00:03:49] Hurricane.
[00:03:50] Hurricane.
[00:03:51] I forget it.
[00:03:52] Anyway, right?
[00:03:52] But there was a...
[00:03:54] No, Storm Ophelia, I think the name of it was, right?
[00:03:58] Big storm coming to hit Ireland.
[00:03:59] I'll get rid of this map.
[00:04:00] There was a big storm coming to hit Ireland, right?
[00:04:02] Everyone was panicking.
[00:04:03] It's going to hit in a week.
[00:04:04] The Irish people cleaned out the shops of bread for like two weeks.
[00:04:08] Was it bread or toilet paper?
[00:04:10] One or the other.
[00:04:11] Because this storm was going to destroy Ireland.
[00:04:13] And I think there was a trampoline that moved down the road.
[00:04:17] I think that was the height of the damage.
[00:04:19] Oh, really?
[00:04:20] Yeah.
[00:04:20] People moved out through a lot of things.
[00:04:22] Just like COVID.
[00:04:23] But that's another topic.
[00:04:24] No.
[00:04:24] Like we...
[00:04:27] We don't get bad weather.
[00:04:28] So the idea of, oh, there was a 5.1.
[00:04:31] I'm like, get off the roof.
[00:04:34] What are you doing?
[00:04:36] Nah, not a chance.
[00:04:37] So you're going to...
[00:04:38] Okay.
[00:04:38] So we'll put an island there.
[00:04:39] Can I just ask?
[00:04:40] I'm going to...
[00:04:40] I always say there's 10 million citizens
[00:04:42] who are going to be under your rule.
[00:04:44] Is that too many people?
[00:04:45] Or are you happy with that?
[00:04:47] There's a lot of smooches going around,
[00:04:48] but we'll go with it.
[00:04:49] Yeah.
[00:04:49] So you're planning to...
[00:04:51] We would say shift 10 million people.
[00:04:55] Yeah.
[00:04:55] I like 10 million.
[00:04:56] I think that's a good amount.
[00:04:57] A fine amount to kiss.
[00:04:59] Okay.
[00:05:00] But I should mention,
[00:05:02] when you go to rule this island...
[00:05:04] Ireland.
[00:05:04] Not Ireland.
[00:05:05] Are you bringing your girlfriend?
[00:05:07] Am I bringing my girlfriend?
[00:05:10] Well...
[00:05:11] Try not to pause.
[00:05:12] She's trying to...
[00:05:13] She's trying to...
[00:05:14] Here's the thing.
[00:05:15] Yeah.
[00:05:16] When you rule an island
[00:05:17] that's just starting out, right?
[00:05:19] Yeah.
[00:05:19] You really want to give your all
[00:05:21] and concentration to the citizens
[00:05:22] of the island.
[00:05:23] You have to do them best, you know?
[00:05:25] Do the citizens best.
[00:05:27] Do the citizens best.
[00:05:28] Yeah.
[00:05:28] You know?
[00:05:30] And if she understands,
[00:05:33] then, like, hey,
[00:05:34] work has to be done
[00:05:35] for the faith of humanity
[00:05:37] for this island.
[00:05:38] And after,
[00:05:38] we can all celebrate together.
[00:05:41] So, in a couple of years?
[00:05:43] Or less.
[00:05:43] You know?
[00:05:44] I'm a quick trigger.
[00:05:45] Right.
[00:05:45] Yeah.
[00:05:46] So, a good six months.
[00:05:47] And then...
[00:05:48] Yeah.
[00:05:48] I don't want her to see anything
[00:05:49] that she doesn't need to see
[00:05:50] on this island
[00:05:51] in regards of
[00:05:52] helping the citizens out.
[00:05:54] Not smooching it.
[00:05:55] Right.
[00:05:56] What do you mean...
[00:05:57] What do you mean helping them out?
[00:05:59] Like,
[00:06:00] put the beds together.
[00:06:01] Making sure it's a healthy economy.
[00:06:02] Make sure everyone's safe.
[00:06:03] So, you don't...
[00:06:05] Okay.
[00:06:05] So, you don't want your girlfriend
[00:06:07] to see you
[00:06:08] being a humanitarian
[00:06:09] to your citizens.
[00:06:10] Listen.
[00:06:11] Like, you don't want that.
[00:06:12] She doesn't need to get
[00:06:13] that volume from you.
[00:06:14] You're...
[00:06:14] I think the people
[00:06:16] of Smooch Island,
[00:06:18] we're calling it
[00:06:19] Smooch Island, by the way,
[00:06:20] I think they need
[00:06:22] a commander
[00:06:24] and smooch
[00:06:25] that is full-fledged
[00:06:27] dedicated
[00:06:28] to their
[00:06:30] prosperity
[00:06:32] and no
[00:06:34] outside
[00:06:36] distractions
[00:06:36] or smoochies.
[00:06:38] You know,
[00:06:38] like,
[00:06:39] the time I could be
[00:06:39] smooching the girl,
[00:06:41] I could be
[00:06:42] saving a kitten
[00:06:43] from a tree.
[00:06:44] Yeah.
[00:06:45] Equally important.
[00:06:47] And she will understand.
[00:06:49] Okay.
[00:06:49] The distraction
[00:06:50] will understand
[00:06:51] that you've
[00:06:52] now called her girlfriend.
[00:06:53] She's not a distraction.
[00:06:54] She has a name.
[00:06:55] She has a name.
[00:06:56] It's not a distraction.
[00:06:58] No, no, no, no.
[00:06:59] Miss Distraction?
[00:06:59] Is that her name?
[00:07:00] She would come for sure.
[00:07:02] I'm just messing with you.
[00:07:02] She'd come because
[00:07:03] it would make...
[00:07:04] It would be the example
[00:07:05] of the perfect...
[00:07:07] Woman.
[00:07:09] The perfect woman
[00:07:10] and also
[00:07:10] the perfect family
[00:07:12] that I want everyone
[00:07:12] on the island to be.
[00:07:13] I'll just point out
[00:07:14] she's right beside you.
[00:07:15] So I love
[00:07:16] that you are saving
[00:07:17] this whole thing
[00:07:18] by saying she's
[00:07:18] the perfect woman.
[00:07:19] She will come...
[00:07:20] Not that you invited her,
[00:07:21] but she would come anyway.
[00:07:23] No, I'd want her there.
[00:07:24] I'd want her there.
[00:07:25] She'd go on the island first.
[00:07:26] She'd make sure,
[00:07:27] you know,
[00:07:27] women and children are safe
[00:07:30] and come in
[00:07:30] and get all the crime out.
[00:07:32] You get all the crime out.
[00:07:33] The smoochies,
[00:07:34] they're going to be
[00:07:34] consensual, Kevin.
[00:07:35] That's the problem.
[00:07:36] I did not.
[00:07:37] I don't know why you brought up
[00:07:37] the fact that you had to clarify that.
[00:07:39] I was fully on board
[00:07:40] with consensual smoochies.
[00:07:42] Can I...
[00:07:42] I will move on away.
[00:07:43] Sorry,
[00:07:44] I will move on away
[00:07:45] from...
[00:07:45] Next question.
[00:07:46] I just want to follow up
[00:07:48] on one thing, right?
[00:07:49] You said,
[00:07:50] at the end of the day,
[00:07:50] she will show up first.
[00:07:51] She'll make sure
[00:07:52] the women and children are fine
[00:07:53] because she's very lovely
[00:07:54] like that, I'm sure.
[00:07:55] Then you will come in.
[00:07:56] You'll swoop in then after her
[00:07:57] and you'll fix all the crime.
[00:07:59] So,
[00:08:00] are you saying then
[00:08:01] that there was crime
[00:08:02] on the island
[00:08:02] when she showed up
[00:08:03] and you said,
[00:08:05] okay,
[00:08:05] make sure the women
[00:08:06] and children are fine.
[00:08:06] Then I'll show up.
[00:08:07] Like,
[00:08:07] she could have been
[00:08:08] fecked over by the criminals
[00:08:10] and you would...
[00:08:11] No, no, no.
[00:08:12] I have the security
[00:08:13] going with her
[00:08:14] that she's going to be safe.
[00:08:16] I get you.
[00:08:17] Okay, okay.
[00:08:17] By the way,
[00:08:18] I'm a supporter of you in this.
[00:08:19] I am a sycophant.
[00:08:20] I don't seem like it,
[00:08:21] but we'll keep going.
[00:08:22] I'm just confused.
[00:08:23] Am I meant to call you now
[00:08:24] to Commander and Smooch
[00:08:25] because you're the leader?
[00:08:26] Commander and Smooch.
[00:08:27] Yeah,
[00:08:27] that's official.
[00:08:28] Okay,
[00:08:29] we'll get on to nicer questions.
[00:08:30] What are you wearing?
[00:08:31] What's your official garb?
[00:08:32] What's your attire?
[00:08:32] What are we...
[00:08:33] Oh,
[00:08:34] it's a head-to-toe romper
[00:08:36] like Hillary Clinton.
[00:08:37] Oh,
[00:08:38] fuck.
[00:08:39] Is it...
[00:08:40] What is beige?
[00:08:41] Just pure beige,
[00:08:42] gray.
[00:08:42] No,
[00:08:43] no,
[00:08:43] it's a salmon.
[00:08:44] It's a salmon.
[00:08:46] It's a pink.
[00:08:47] It's a salmon.
[00:08:48] It's a salmon.
[00:08:48] Yeah,
[00:08:48] it's a salmon pink,
[00:08:49] but it's a softer pink.
[00:08:50] It's like a flaccid pink.
[00:08:52] Yes.
[00:08:53] Yeah,
[00:08:54] because you know why?
[00:08:55] That's the official food
[00:08:57] of Smooch Island salmon.
[00:08:59] You know,
[00:08:59] healthy fats.
[00:09:00] You know,
[00:09:00] you got to get the omegas
[00:09:01] and I think that's really going to make
[00:09:05] the guts of every citizen
[00:09:07] on Smooch Island
[00:09:08] really,
[00:09:10] really prosperous.
[00:09:11] Yeah.
[00:09:12] Prosperous.
[00:09:12] Really burning.
[00:09:13] Yeah.
[00:09:14] Yeah.
[00:09:14] Yeah.
[00:09:14] Okay.
[00:09:15] Yeah.
[00:09:15] So it's an all salmon diet.
[00:09:18] It's all salmon diet.
[00:09:19] There's some sweet potatoes
[00:09:20] on the island for sure,
[00:09:21] but salmon mainly.
[00:09:22] Yeah.
[00:09:22] Okay.
[00:09:22] Yeah.
[00:09:23] Isn't salmon meant to be good
[00:09:24] for your like brain?
[00:09:27] Brain,
[00:09:27] for your gut,
[00:09:28] for really everything.
[00:09:29] It's been called
[00:09:32] the broccoli of the sea,
[00:09:33] I believe.
[00:09:34] That's who calls it that?
[00:09:36] I want names.
[00:09:36] Who would call it?
[00:09:37] Who would advertise it
[00:09:38] as the broccoli of the sea?
[00:09:39] I call it fucking
[00:09:40] KFC of the sea
[00:09:41] or something.
[00:09:43] No,
[00:09:43] no,
[00:09:44] no,
[00:09:44] no,
[00:09:44] no,
[00:09:45] absolutely not.
[00:09:46] Yeah.
[00:09:47] Salmon,
[00:09:47] salmon,
[00:09:48] salmon's the official fish
[00:09:49] and food.
[00:09:50] Perfect.
[00:09:51] Okay.
[00:09:51] We're going for an all salmon
[00:09:52] country.
[00:09:53] Okay.
[00:09:53] Good.
[00:09:53] The funniest part,
[00:09:54] the funniest part is that
[00:09:55] you can't catch it off the island
[00:09:56] because salmon's fresh water.
[00:09:58] I don't know if you knew this,
[00:09:59] so we actually ship it in.
[00:10:04] Wait,
[00:10:05] okay.
[00:10:06] That's a lot of money.
[00:10:07] What are you shipping out?
[00:10:08] Like the exports?
[00:10:10] Yeah.
[00:10:10] What's,
[00:10:11] what's,
[00:10:11] what are you exporting?
[00:10:12] What's,
[00:10:12] what are we making on this island?
[00:10:14] The exports are sex appeal.
[00:10:18] Yeah.
[00:10:19] It's basically dating advice.
[00:10:21] Oh,
[00:10:22] okay.
[00:10:22] It's like platforms online.
[00:10:24] Yes.
[00:10:25] Yeah.
[00:10:26] So like the main export of Smooch Island
[00:10:28] is a dating advice.
[00:10:30] And would you get involved in that as well
[00:10:31] as the commander in smooch?
[00:10:33] I mean,
[00:10:33] how do you think I got elected,
[00:10:35] baby?
[00:10:35] Oh,
[00:10:36] yeah.
[00:10:37] Actually.
[00:10:37] Yeah.
[00:10:37] Fair,
[00:10:38] fair point.
[00:10:38] So if someone goes on to whatever
[00:10:40] your fucking app is,
[00:10:41] and it's like,
[00:10:42] I'm paying 50 or a month.
[00:10:44] There's a girl who I like
[00:10:46] and she won't date me
[00:10:48] because she says I'm too tall.
[00:10:50] What do I do?
[00:10:51] Instant.
[00:10:52] Get bigger shoes.
[00:10:53] That's,
[00:10:53] that's the advice.
[00:10:55] Heel,
[00:10:55] heel lifts.
[00:10:56] I don't know if you've heard of those,
[00:10:57] Kev.
[00:10:58] Yeah.
[00:10:59] Yeah.
[00:10:59] Yeah.
[00:10:59] No,
[00:10:59] I have.
[00:11:00] Yeah.
[00:11:00] But I'm too tall.
[00:11:01] Salmon.
[00:11:01] Salmon's known to actually grow
[00:11:04] your height,
[00:11:04] a couple inches over the course.
[00:11:06] You're talking bullshit on that.
[00:11:07] I don't believe that.
[00:11:08] Look it up.
[00:11:08] Look it up.
[00:11:09] Salmon is known to,
[00:11:10] for bone strength.
[00:11:12] And by bone strength,
[00:11:13] if your bones are bigger,
[00:11:14] therefore your body's bigger.
[00:11:15] So.
[00:11:16] Does salmon make me taller?
[00:11:18] No,
[00:11:18] you can't.
[00:11:19] I mean,
[00:11:19] hypso facto,
[00:11:20] you can't just like throw that in Google.
[00:11:22] Oh,
[00:11:23] salmon is high in,
[00:11:24] okay.
[00:11:24] It can improve sleep and bone turnover
[00:11:25] to increase growth.
[00:11:27] I'll accept it.
[00:11:27] Oh,
[00:11:28] okay.
[00:11:28] I'll accept it.
[00:11:28] I apologize.
[00:11:29] Well done.
[00:11:30] Well done.
[00:11:30] How dare you mock the commander in smooch.
[00:11:32] Commander,
[00:11:32] I apologize.
[00:11:33] I shouldn't have doubted you.
[00:11:35] Four more years.
[00:11:36] Four more.
[00:11:37] Actually,
[00:11:37] our terms are 30 years.
[00:11:39] So it's basically a life term.
[00:11:40] That's right.
[00:11:40] You're,
[00:11:40] you're,
[00:11:41] you're the,
[00:11:41] you know,
[00:11:42] the one true power on this island.
[00:11:44] You have overall power.
[00:11:45] You can decide everything.
[00:11:46] So you,
[00:11:47] you,
[00:11:47] you can be there for as long as you want.
[00:11:49] Don't you worry about that.
[00:11:51] Just a quick question.
[00:11:51] Where,
[00:11:52] on the island,
[00:11:52] what type of house are we living in?
[00:11:54] Well,
[00:11:54] where are you living in?
[00:11:55] What is the most common theme of houses for my citizens?
[00:11:58] Or what am I living in?
[00:11:59] Oh,
[00:12:00] what are you living in?
[00:12:00] We,
[00:12:01] we,
[00:12:01] we,
[00:12:01] we presume the citizens are fine,
[00:12:02] but yeah,
[00:12:03] you,
[00:12:03] what do you want?
[00:12:04] It's a one bedroom apartment.
[00:12:06] Oh.
[00:12:07] I like to live.
[00:12:09] The modest,
[00:12:10] life and relate.
[00:12:11] Cause if my citizens can't have a mansion,
[00:12:13] why am I going to have a mansion?
[00:12:16] So I'm one with the smooch.
[00:12:17] I'm one with the people.
[00:12:18] So they're not allowed mansions.
[00:12:19] They are,
[00:12:20] but the lowest possible house or living situation,
[00:12:25] a smoochy citizen can have is one bedroom apartment.
[00:12:28] So you have the shittest house.
[00:12:30] You have the shittest living quarters in.
[00:12:33] It's an open,
[00:12:33] an open concept,
[00:12:34] nicely decorated inside for sure.
[00:12:36] It's like 800 square feet.
[00:12:37] Oh yeah.
[00:12:38] Yeah.
[00:12:38] It's all open space.
[00:12:40] Open concept.
[00:12:41] Yeah.
[00:12:42] Yeah.
[00:12:42] Fair enough.
[00:12:43] Um,
[00:12:44] by the way,
[00:12:44] this won't actually interest anyone except my fiance.
[00:12:47] Would you go for a fireplace or a stove?
[00:12:50] To heat up or to cook on?
[00:12:52] Oh,
[00:12:52] to heat up the room.
[00:12:53] Oh,
[00:12:54] oh,
[00:12:54] a fireplace for sure.
[00:12:55] Fireplace for sure.
[00:12:56] You know why?
[00:12:57] Cause a fireplace brings out smoochies.
[00:12:59] It's more sensual fireplace.
[00:13:01] You can start making some s'mores.
[00:13:02] Wait,
[00:13:03] can't really,
[00:13:03] no stove.
[00:13:04] When you say smoochies in that context,
[00:13:06] do you mean sexy people?
[00:13:08] That means,
[00:13:09] I mean sex.
[00:13:11] I wouldn't have sex in a fireplace.
[00:13:13] That's not.
[00:13:13] Listen,
[00:13:13] Kevin,
[00:13:13] everyone on the island's fucking.
[00:13:15] All right.
[00:13:15] Cool.
[00:13:16] There's both fucking time.
[00:13:17] Nobody says it.
[00:13:18] And I'm fucking sick of it.
[00:13:19] I have ugly people coming on this show.
[00:13:21] Good.
[00:13:22] Okay.
[00:13:22] Now I mean,
[00:13:23] everyone's on the island's fucking.
[00:13:24] but fucking time.
[00:13:25] Okay.
[00:13:26] Right.
[00:13:26] Including Kevin.
[00:13:27] Finally.
[00:13:28] Okay.
[00:13:29] Right.
[00:13:30] Oh,
[00:13:30] okay.
[00:13:31] What unusual list is smoochie island top of?
[00:13:33] So,
[00:13:33] you know,
[00:13:33] I presume you have the best healthcare,
[00:13:35] best sex,
[00:13:36] best medicine,
[00:13:37] best education.
[00:13:38] Best dating advice.
[00:13:39] Ironically enough,
[00:13:40] Kev.
[00:13:41] Yeah.
[00:13:42] We are actually
[00:13:44] the best skin.
[00:13:46] And I know that may go and coincide with sex,
[00:13:48] but you know how like you have to lather up after a shower,
[00:13:51] people get dry skin and people get,
[00:13:52] the ashy elbows,
[00:13:53] people get chapstick.
[00:13:55] You have to have the birds and bees,
[00:13:56] the lips.
[00:13:56] So you never have to have that because the sunlight hits smoochy
[00:14:01] island so well that your skin never dried out.
[00:14:05] It's the perfect temperature.
[00:14:06] You're around.
[00:14:07] It's the perfect amount of UV and everyone's just happy with the
[00:14:12] way they look.
[00:14:12] It's a beautiful island.
[00:14:13] Kev.
[00:14:14] You got to visit sometime.
[00:14:15] Do you know?
[00:14:15] Okay.
[00:14:16] This isn't necessarily part of the podcast,
[00:14:17] but you say that,
[00:14:18] that stuff.
[00:14:19] And I'm like,
[00:14:19] very nice.
[00:14:20] They're very,
[00:14:20] very nice painting of the picture.
[00:14:22] And I've only been challenging about 20 minutes.
[00:14:25] Don't know you very well.
[00:14:26] Right.
[00:14:26] You seem very nice,
[00:14:27] but you're saying that in glorious weather as you can beautifully
[00:14:31] lie out on your private.
[00:14:34] Oh,
[00:14:34] I'm actually,
[00:14:35] I'm actually on the roof of my one bedroom apartment on smoochy
[00:14:38] island right now.
[00:14:39] That's what you're,
[00:14:40] that's.
[00:14:41] And I'm here.
[00:14:42] I'm here.
[00:14:43] I'm here with the people.
[00:14:44] I look so fucking white.
[00:14:47] I look awful.
[00:14:49] I'm not going to lie.
[00:14:51] Yeah.
[00:14:51] It's pretty white over there.
[00:14:52] It is.
[00:14:53] It's a bit white.
[00:14:54] And we,
[00:14:54] this is the closest we get to the sun.
[00:14:56] That light.
[00:14:57] Yeah.
[00:14:57] I noticed that.
[00:14:58] Yeah.
[00:14:59] That's not even the light of the room.
[00:15:01] I just hang that there just to get a glimpse.
[00:15:03] Oh,
[00:15:03] okay.
[00:15:03] In a movie once.
[00:15:05] But I love that idea.
[00:15:07] I,
[00:15:07] okay.
[00:15:07] This is a different question.
[00:15:08] The question to ask you,
[00:15:10] your approval rating naturally is a hundred percent because as you
[00:15:14] said,
[00:15:14] a lot of people are fucking.
[00:15:16] There is a scandal about to break out about you.
[00:15:18] Okay.
[00:15:20] Oh no.
[00:15:21] Yeah.
[00:15:21] It's going to,
[00:15:22] your approval rating is going to go down to 60%.
[00:15:25] Right.
[00:15:26] 60%.
[00:15:26] People are fucking pissed at the commander in smooch.
[00:15:30] Now the nice thing is,
[00:15:32] and I don't know how this works like realistically,
[00:15:33] but you get to pick what the scandal is.
[00:15:36] So what did you do?
[00:15:38] And this is a light entertainment podcast.
[00:15:39] So don't,
[00:15:39] you know,
[00:15:40] admit to murder,
[00:15:41] but unless you want to,
[00:15:42] but what did you do?
[00:15:44] What's the scandal?
[00:15:45] Be honest.
[00:15:46] What did the commander in smooch do as a scandal to move his rating from
[00:15:51] a hundred to 60?
[00:15:53] So the thing about smoochy Island is that everyone is faithful.
[00:16:00] That's the big thing.
[00:16:02] You said you were going to smooch 10 million.
[00:16:04] Sorry,
[00:16:04] go ahead.
[00:16:05] You're faithful to any one of you smooch.
[00:16:08] You're faithful.
[00:16:08] If you have a permanent smoochy.
[00:16:10] So that's not the scandal.
[00:16:12] The scandal is I had multiple one bedroom apartments around the island.
[00:16:18] Just have one.
[00:16:19] So like I had one for my things,
[00:16:22] one for smooching my girlfriend.
[00:16:26] So I didn't just have one.
[00:16:27] So it's basically if you add up all those one bedroom apartments,
[00:16:30] it's a mega mansion.
[00:16:32] Kev.
[00:16:32] So that would be the scandal.
[00:16:34] It would be the living situation,
[00:16:35] but I think they forgive me.
[00:16:37] And that would quickly go back up to 69% approval rating.
[00:16:40] And then therefore,
[00:16:42] they would just keep going up and up and up because they'd understand that.
[00:16:45] I have to travel around the island.
[00:16:47] I can't have a home,
[00:16:48] just one home base.
[00:16:49] I have to travel around the island to make sure everyone's smooching properly.
[00:16:51] And your legs are weak from all the smooching.
[00:16:54] My legs,
[00:16:55] my legs,
[00:16:57] my legs,
[00:16:57] that could,
[00:16:58] my third leg is pretty weak.
[00:17:00] I'll tell you that.
[00:17:01] You have a tail?
[00:17:02] My girlfriend,
[00:17:03] my girlfriend loves to be smooched.
[00:17:05] That's what she fell in love with the commander and smooch.
[00:17:07] With the third leg.
[00:17:08] If I'm not,
[00:17:08] if I'm not fighting crime with my army,
[00:17:13] I'm smooching my girlfriend.
[00:17:14] I'll tell you that.
[00:17:15] Right.
[00:17:16] So you're either fighting crime with your army or you're smooching with your third leg.
[00:17:20] Yeah.
[00:17:21] Right.
[00:17:21] And are you fighting crime with your third leg?
[00:17:24] My fight?
[00:17:25] Am I?
[00:17:25] No,
[00:17:26] no,
[00:17:26] it's not.
[00:17:26] It's not big enough to be a sword of sorts,
[00:17:28] if you will.
[00:17:29] It could be a shield.
[00:17:31] It could be.
[00:17:31] It should be a shield.
[00:17:32] Get behind the third leg,
[00:17:34] guys.
[00:17:34] We're going in.
[00:17:35] No,
[00:17:36] everyone will immediately die.
[00:17:37] You bust in a door with that thing.
[00:17:40] Yeah.
[00:17:40] But ironically enough,
[00:17:42] there's no weapons on the island either.
[00:17:44] You can't import them.
[00:17:45] Pretty tough on,
[00:17:46] you know,
[00:17:47] the imports,
[00:17:48] exports.
[00:17:49] Yeah.
[00:17:49] So people fight with words.
[00:17:51] It's all words.
[00:17:53] Oh,
[00:17:54] okay.
[00:17:54] So if I say,
[00:17:55] go fuck yourself.
[00:17:58] That's,
[00:17:58] that's a battle you may win.
[00:18:00] Oh,
[00:18:00] yay.
[00:18:02] It's easy.
[00:18:03] Okay.
[00:18:03] But they don't say that.
[00:18:04] They're not,
[00:18:05] they're not.
[00:18:05] No,
[00:18:06] no,
[00:18:06] no.
[00:18:06] They know better.
[00:18:06] They know better.
[00:18:07] Cause it's really,
[00:18:08] that's the other scam.
[00:18:09] There's multiple scandals.
[00:18:10] I have guns.
[00:18:10] I have guns.
[00:18:11] Oh,
[00:18:12] what guns?
[00:18:12] Multiple.
[00:18:13] I'm a pretty scandalous commander in smooch.
[00:18:16] Yeah.
[00:18:16] Thank God.
[00:18:17] Smooch is going well,
[00:18:18] because if it wasn't,
[00:18:19] you'd be.
[00:18:20] It's a tyranny.
[00:18:21] It's a tyranny.
[00:18:21] Nice.
[00:18:22] Okay.
[00:18:22] Okay.
[00:18:23] Cool.
[00:18:25] I,
[00:18:25] Oh,
[00:18:26] I said about an unusual listener.
[00:18:28] What,
[00:18:28] um,
[00:18:29] what,
[00:18:30] what kind of mundane everyday item would you ban from the country?
[00:18:33] Would I ban?
[00:18:35] Yeah.
[00:18:35] Yeah.
[00:18:35] I don't want any of it.
[00:18:36] You know,
[00:18:37] there's not really a need for,
[00:18:40] uh,
[00:18:41] garbage bags on smoochy Island.
[00:18:44] Cause there's not much trash.
[00:18:46] Everything is biodegradable and everything is reusable.
[00:18:50] Is everything made out of salmon?
[00:18:52] No,
[00:18:53] not everything's made out of salmon.
[00:18:54] It's good question.
[00:18:55] I've gotten that a lot actually.
[00:18:57] no,
[00:18:58] everything is just made out of,
[00:19:01] uh,
[00:19:03] quinoa to be honest.
[00:19:04] Uh,
[00:19:05] so quinoa is a grain that it has the lowest glycemic index.
[00:19:09] So your body processes the fastest as well as it integrates the fastest.
[00:19:14] And you can really just throw that on the ground after.
[00:19:17] So like,
[00:19:18] if I have say,
[00:19:19] I don't know,
[00:19:20] a metal detector,
[00:19:21] right?
[00:19:22] Yeah.
[00:19:22] It was detecting.
[00:19:23] Oh,
[00:19:24] logistics about the electronics.
[00:19:25] No,
[00:19:25] no,
[00:19:26] no detector.
[00:19:27] But,
[00:19:27] um,
[00:19:27] when it's picking up some,
[00:19:29] you know,
[00:19:29] salmon,
[00:19:30] it's actually a salmon detector.
[00:19:32] Uh,
[00:19:32] and that would just,
[00:19:33] you just throw it on the ground,
[00:19:35] disintegrates,
[00:19:35] and then there's no trash or anything.
[00:19:37] So,
[00:19:38] um,
[00:19:38] next question.
[00:19:39] Um,
[00:19:39] well,
[00:19:40] I was going to give you an update on just the whole salmon or not salmon gate,
[00:19:43] but the scandaling.
[00:19:45] no,
[00:19:45] because you said you had multiple.
[00:19:46] I need another one about your apartment.
[00:19:49] Yeah.
[00:19:49] How many is that now?
[00:19:50] 69.
[00:19:51] Um,
[00:19:52] um,
[00:19:54] yeah,
[00:19:54] some people are actually just making up scandals now because they assume you have so many,
[00:19:58] because you said I have so many scandals you don't know about.
[00:20:00] Uh,
[00:20:01] some people you think you're actually just dating a giant five foot eight salmon.
[00:20:05] No,
[00:20:06] I'm not dating.
[00:20:08] hell of a Photoshop.
[00:20:09] I'll be honest.
[00:20:10] Yeah.
[00:20:12] Uh,
[00:20:13] she honestly though,
[00:20:14] if she was,
[00:20:14] I would still love her because that's how loyal and faithful I am to my,
[00:20:18] uh,
[00:20:18] to my salmon girl.
[00:20:20] That's so sweet.
[00:20:21] Yeah.
[00:20:22] It's really nice.
[00:20:24] Um,
[00:20:24] you were a keeper.
[00:20:25] Um,
[00:20:26] okay.
[00:20:27] Your propaganda station,
[00:20:28] right?
[00:20:29] Smoochie news.
[00:20:30] It's not bad.
[00:20:31] Smoochie news.
[00:20:32] Yeah,
[00:20:32] not a bad.
[00:20:32] Yeah.
[00:20:33] Uh,
[00:20:34] they of course are all pro commander and smooch.
[00:20:37] Um,
[00:20:38] they were just asking you what sort of like fantastical facts should they tell the people
[00:20:42] about you?
[00:20:42] Just a bit of propaganda.
[00:20:45] Fantastical facts.
[00:20:46] Well,
[00:20:46] I can make up anything.
[00:20:48] I'm not a dictator.
[00:20:49] Listen,
[00:20:49] so I'm not going to say that I'm the best smoocher in the world,
[00:20:52] but I am the most consistent.
[00:20:54] So I put my time in.
[00:20:57] And in addition to that,
[00:20:58] uh,
[00:20:59] uh,
[00:20:59] I don't have the biggest,
[00:21:00] uh,
[00:21:01] third leg or smoochie sword in the world.
[00:21:04] But it's the most consistent hard leg,
[00:21:05] but it's the most consistent.
[00:21:07] But the fact that I want them to know is,
[00:21:10] is that my.
[00:21:12] Omega levels from all the salmon are so high.
[00:21:15] Yes.
[00:21:16] That I actually have,
[00:21:18] um,
[00:21:19] the thickest skin,
[00:21:20] but that's what helps with your skin,
[00:21:22] right?
[00:21:22] Healthy fats,
[00:21:23] omegas and such.
[00:21:24] Right.
[00:21:24] Fish oil.
[00:21:25] Yes.
[00:21:26] That's why I'm impenetrable when it comes to fighting crime,
[00:21:30] because no matter what you say to me,
[00:21:31] I have thick skin and it won't affect me.
[00:21:34] Okay.
[00:21:35] Now about 10 minutes ago.
[00:21:36] Yeah.
[00:21:37] Okay.
[00:21:37] But 10 minutes ago,
[00:21:38] I said,
[00:21:39] go fuck yourself.
[00:21:39] And you said,
[00:21:40] I surrender.
[00:21:41] You win.
[00:21:42] I didn't surrender.
[00:21:43] I said they'd surrender.
[00:21:44] Oh,
[00:21:44] your army.
[00:21:45] Oh yeah.
[00:21:46] But then I have to step in and be like,
[00:21:48] no way.
[00:21:50] Is that your arm or your third leg?
[00:21:51] Yeah.
[00:21:52] Yeah.
[00:21:52] That's not my third leg.
[00:21:53] That's my.
[00:21:54] Yeah.
[00:21:55] Okay.
[00:21:55] Get behind me boys.
[00:21:56] Yeah.
[00:21:57] Okay.
[00:21:57] Get behind me boys.
[00:21:58] I don't want everyone,
[00:21:59] all the citizens that the bad ones,
[00:22:01] they're like,
[00:22:02] fuck you,
[00:22:02] fuck you,
[00:22:02] fuck you.
[00:22:03] And then doesn't hit me.
[00:22:04] And if they see that,
[00:22:05] they mean to like turn down and go eat some salmon and fuck off,
[00:22:08] you know?
[00:22:08] So you have a mob of people screaming at your penis while you're behind you.
[00:22:12] Yeah.
[00:22:13] Yeah.
[00:22:13] Normal Friday night.
[00:22:14] Um,
[00:22:15] for me,
[00:22:15] I,
[00:22:16] Oh,
[00:22:17] just,
[00:22:17] just a quick question.
[00:22:18] There's a knock on your door of your,
[00:22:20] one of your one bedroom apartments.
[00:22:21] Knock,
[00:22:21] knock,
[00:22:21] knock,
[00:22:22] knock,
[00:22:23] knock,
[00:22:24] knock,
[00:22:25] I wasn't that one.
[00:22:25] I wasn't that one.
[00:22:26] Oh,
[00:22:27] sorry.
[00:22:27] Uh,
[00:22:28] 68 doors later.
[00:22:29] Knock,
[00:22:29] knock,
[00:22:30] knock.
[00:22:31] Who is it?
[00:22:32] Uh,
[00:22:32] it's Paul,
[00:22:33] your finance guy.
[00:22:35] Oh,
[00:22:36] Paul,
[00:22:36] you know,
[00:22:37] you're not supposed to come on Tuesdays,
[00:22:38] but Hey,
[00:22:40] Hey,
[00:22:41] every day for me.
[00:22:42] I love this.
[00:22:43] I love this.
[00:22:44] I love this so much.
[00:22:45] It's the best.
[00:22:47] He's very happy.
[00:22:48] Uh,
[00:22:48] I just have good news for you.
[00:22:50] Okay.
[00:22:50] Very good.
[00:22:52] Hey,
[00:22:54] I'll swallow it.
[00:22:55] I will take this news to the grave.
[00:22:57] I will tell you though.
[00:22:59] Um,
[00:23:00] great news.
[00:23:00] We have a lot of money in this country.
[00:23:02] The,
[00:23:03] the,
[00:23:03] the whole dating advice is going well.
[00:23:04] We actually have like a hundred billion in surplus.
[00:23:07] Right.
[00:23:07] I told you,
[00:23:08] I told you just,
[00:23:09] Hey,
[00:23:10] didn't doubt you for a second.
[00:23:11] You know,
[00:23:12] the question we're going to ask is that your citizens,
[00:23:15] the smoochers,
[00:23:15] are we calling?
[00:23:17] Yeah,
[00:23:17] I'll be,
[00:23:18] I'll be right back.
[00:23:19] Paul's here.
[00:23:20] Yeah.
[00:23:21] All right.
[00:23:21] Sorry,
[00:23:21] Paul.
[00:23:23] Is she all right?
[00:23:24] Why didn't she like me?
[00:23:25] Call me mid smooch.
[00:23:26] You call me mid smooch.
[00:23:27] You keep coming in mid smooch.
[00:23:28] But you're so consistent.
[00:23:29] It's really hard to,
[00:23:30] I listen,
[00:23:31] listen,
[00:23:32] I know.
[00:23:32] Just give me,
[00:23:33] give me the rundown of the currency.
[00:23:35] What's okay.
[00:23:35] Okay.
[00:23:35] Okay.
[00:23:35] No,
[00:23:36] I just thought this would be good news.
[00:23:37] See,
[00:23:37] the people are so happy.
[00:23:38] Yeah,
[00:23:38] I'll be right there.
[00:23:39] Ah,
[00:23:40] fucking hell.
[00:23:40] I mean,
[00:23:41] does she like me being here?
[00:23:42] I don't know.
[00:23:43] I don't know.
[00:23:43] I think things are rocky.
[00:23:46] Between you and her.
[00:23:46] Are you all right?
[00:23:47] Do you want?
[00:23:48] I know.
[00:23:48] I know it will be better.
[00:23:49] Just give me the good news.
[00:23:50] So I feel better.
[00:23:50] Let's go.
[00:23:51] Okay.
[00:23:51] Okay.
[00:23:51] Okay.
[00:23:52] Oh,
[00:23:52] this might help.
[00:23:53] This might help you.
[00:23:54] Okay.
[00:23:54] Your approval rating has gone up to a hundred percent again,
[00:23:56] right?
[00:23:56] The citizens are delighted.
[00:23:58] The thing is we have so much money with a hundred billion.
[00:24:00] They're so happy about that.
[00:24:01] They want to build you something.
[00:24:03] They're not very creative.
[00:24:04] To be honest.
[00:24:05] They don't really know what to build you.
[00:24:07] What can we do as a monument to you?
[00:24:09] You know,
[00:24:09] your fucking name on it or something.
[00:24:10] We are spending money on this thing,
[00:24:12] by the way.
[00:24:13] Oh,
[00:24:14] great news,
[00:24:15] by the way.
[00:24:15] Great news,
[00:24:16] babe,
[00:24:16] start stretching.
[00:24:18] Great news.
[00:24:18] However,
[00:24:20] how many times I gotta tell you,
[00:24:21] I told you at lunch the other day over salmon.
[00:24:24] Yes.
[00:24:25] If I ever got a monument,
[00:24:27] which is literally my life's goal.
[00:24:30] Yeah.
[00:24:31] It would be of my third leg.
[00:24:33] So why are you coming and interrupting smoochy time when you know,
[00:24:37] you know,
[00:24:37] the answer,
[00:24:38] but I didn't know what it was made of.
[00:24:39] I didn't know what we were doing.
[00:24:40] Do we make it of salmon?
[00:24:42] Yeah.
[00:24:42] Yeah.
[00:24:43] What was that made of salmon?
[00:24:44] I'm not going to have a salmon monument.
[00:24:47] I thought that's what we did.
[00:24:48] I didn't,
[00:24:49] I wasn't sure.
[00:24:49] And the people are,
[00:24:51] it's tough on me,
[00:24:52] you know.
[00:24:53] What is,
[00:24:53] see that fridge right there?
[00:24:54] What is that made of?
[00:24:55] The fridge?
[00:24:56] See that loaf of salmon?
[00:24:58] What is that made of?
[00:24:58] See that carton of salmon over there?
[00:24:59] What is it made of?
[00:25:01] Dreams.
[00:25:02] Quinoa.
[00:25:02] Quinoa.
[00:25:03] Quinoa.
[00:25:03] Okay.
[00:25:03] So you're having a quinoa third leg.
[00:25:06] Sorry,
[00:25:06] just to make sure.
[00:25:07] Third leg doesn't mean tail.
[00:25:08] It means your penis.
[00:25:09] Yes.
[00:25:09] Paul,
[00:25:09] how long have you been my accountant?
[00:25:11] Six weeks.
[00:25:12] Okay.
[00:25:13] Well,
[00:25:13] it's not going to make it to seven if you keep asking stupid questions.
[00:25:16] Just go make my penis statue.
[00:25:19] Of quinoa.
[00:25:20] Of quinoa.
[00:25:20] Thank you.
[00:25:21] Okay.
[00:25:21] Okay.
[00:25:21] Okay.
[00:25:22] We're out the door.
[00:25:22] Okay.
[00:25:22] He's gone.
[00:25:23] He's,
[00:25:23] he's doing that,
[00:25:24] right?
[00:25:24] Don't you worry.
[00:25:24] Now this is,
[00:25:25] you hear the applause outside the door.
[00:25:27] He knows what's happening.
[00:25:28] Yeah.
[00:25:29] Paul,
[00:25:29] Paul likes to listen.
[00:25:32] Hey,
[00:25:33] hey,
[00:25:33] don't,
[00:25:34] don't think shame.
[00:25:35] I do have,
[00:25:35] I do have bad news,
[00:25:37] a little bit of bad news.
[00:25:38] Um,
[00:25:39] no,
[00:25:39] don't worry though.
[00:25:40] Right.
[00:25:40] You were being informed that some people,
[00:25:43] okay.
[00:25:44] 10 people on the Island got together and they said,
[00:25:46] we don't need smooches.
[00:25:47] We need religion.
[00:25:50] Yeah.
[00:25:50] They weren't for the smooching,
[00:25:51] right?
[00:25:52] They were,
[00:25:52] they were,
[00:25:52] um,
[00:25:53] puritans.
[00:25:54] So they did try a coup attempt.
[00:25:56] They tried to get you,
[00:25:57] tried to get rid of you.
[00:25:58] Now,
[00:25:58] luckily,
[00:25:59] you're really,
[00:26:01] those really hunky soldiers,
[00:26:02] the one with thick skin,
[00:26:03] they stopped them.
[00:26:04] They have them in prison.
[00:26:05] What do we do with them?
[00:26:06] What do we do with these fucking losers?
[00:26:08] So I've had this coup attempt once before.
[00:26:11] Last time didn't go over well,
[00:26:12] but it did the job.
[00:26:14] That was your girlfriend who did it.
[00:26:16] Yeah.
[00:26:16] No,
[00:26:17] no,
[00:26:17] no.
[00:26:17] She,
[00:26:17] she,
[00:26:19] uh,
[00:26:19] she knows better than to try a coup against me.
[00:26:22] Uh,
[00:26:23] however,
[00:26:24] I think we should just give them seven,
[00:26:27] give them seven days.
[00:26:30] Yes.
[00:26:31] Of the box.
[00:26:33] The vagina.
[00:26:35] No,
[00:26:35] no.
[00:26:36] Seven days of the box,
[00:26:37] you know,
[00:26:38] the box that where we send our ultimate bad prisoners.
[00:26:41] I'm still choosing to believe.
[00:26:43] One by one of the coup,
[00:26:46] the members of the coup one by one,
[00:26:48] put them in the box.
[00:26:49] The box is a 10 foot by 10 foot box.
[00:26:52] Okay.
[00:26:52] Yes.
[00:26:54] And then there is a nice couch.
[00:26:57] They can relax.
[00:26:58] They can have as much salmon as they want.
[00:26:59] We kill them with kindness.
[00:27:01] That's what we do with our prisoners.
[00:27:03] Okay.
[00:27:03] And then when they're all comfortable,
[00:27:05] they're like,
[00:27:05] Oh,
[00:27:05] this is the life I could.
[00:27:06] This is pretty cool.
[00:27:07] Yeah.
[00:27:08] Yeah.
[00:27:08] And the hunky soldiers come in and just castrate them.
[00:27:14] Every swear in the book.
[00:27:15] And they don't have a stick of skin.
[00:27:17] So then they're like,
[00:27:18] fuck.
[00:27:18] And you catch them off guard.
[00:27:20] And then they promise and vow to never coup again.
[00:27:23] It's worked once before it'll work again.
[00:27:25] So we just were chopping off the third,
[00:27:27] their third leg,
[00:27:28] which is more like one third of the leg.
[00:27:31] And then they're,
[00:27:33] they're,
[00:27:33] they're done for to get a nice comfy stay for a week.
[00:27:35] And then they're.
[00:27:36] And then you're just like,
[00:27:38] you go,
[00:27:39] you walk in and say,
[00:27:40] fuck you pussy ass bitch.
[00:27:42] Oh my God.
[00:27:42] You push your fuck you.
[00:27:44] Fuck you.
[00:27:44] Fuck you.
[00:27:44] You're not even cool.
[00:27:45] Like really hitting where it hurts.
[00:27:47] Yeah.
[00:27:47] And then you're like,
[00:27:48] fuck,
[00:27:48] I'm sorry.
[00:27:49] I'm sorry.
[00:27:49] I'm sorry.
[00:27:49] I'm sorry.
[00:27:50] I'll never do this again.
[00:27:51] Bam.
[00:27:51] More salmon to ease the pain.
[00:27:53] And then they'll be good to go.
[00:27:55] Just,
[00:27:55] just in a,
[00:27:56] and I,
[00:27:56] you know,
[00:27:56] I know if it was really,
[00:27:57] it would be awful,
[00:27:58] but like,
[00:27:59] if I got my penis chopped off and then you came in immediately and went,
[00:28:02] you're not even cool.
[00:28:03] Kev.
[00:28:03] I'd be like,
[00:28:04] I have much bigger problems right now.
[00:28:05] Whether than my coolness factor,
[00:28:07] I couldn't give a flying fuck.
[00:28:09] I don't know,
[00:28:10] man.
[00:28:11] I don't know.
[00:28:11] My guards are pretty relentless with the insults.
[00:28:14] Oh,
[00:28:15] okay.
[00:28:15] Yeah.
[00:28:15] There you are.
[00:28:16] There you are.
[00:28:17] It's not even think about it.
[00:28:18] It makes you not even think about the third leg.
[00:28:20] Yeah.
[00:28:21] Yeah.
[00:28:21] Okay.
[00:28:22] And,
[00:28:23] and,
[00:28:23] and if,
[00:28:24] when you eat so much salmon,
[00:28:25] you know,
[00:28:26] with like the bone structure and like,
[00:28:28] uh,
[00:28:28] actually grows back bigger than before.
[00:28:30] So it's actually beneficial if you go in the box.
[00:28:33] So,
[00:28:35] so they should want to do a coup.
[00:28:37] Like if I'm a person with a,
[00:28:38] with a,
[00:28:38] with not a big member,
[00:28:40] you know,
[00:28:41] ladies are laughing at me.
[00:28:42] And I think if I try to kill the commander in smooch,
[00:28:44] I'm going to get a,
[00:28:45] I'm going to,
[00:28:46] I'm going to,
[00:28:47] I'm going to be back massive down there.
[00:28:49] It's a road that you may want to think about.
[00:28:52] Yeah.
[00:28:53] I might email you later.
[00:28:55] Anyway,
[00:28:55] um,
[00:28:56] just knock on your door.
[00:28:57] Knock,
[00:28:57] knock,
[00:28:57] knock.
[00:28:58] Okay.
[00:28:59] Paul,
[00:28:59] is it you again?
[00:29:00] Cause I'm not coming out.
[00:29:01] Just,
[00:29:01] just,
[00:29:02] just briefly.
[00:29:03] I'm about to go on holiday.
[00:29:04] I just have to give you news about the statue.
[00:29:07] Oh God.
[00:29:10] Oh.
[00:29:11] Hello.
[00:29:12] What is it,
[00:29:13] Paul?
[00:29:13] Um,
[00:29:14] sorry.
[00:29:14] Am I,
[00:29:15] you're,
[00:29:15] you're with the girlfriend.
[00:29:17] When I tell you in times when I'm not fighting crime,
[00:29:20] I'm smooching my girlfriend.
[00:29:22] So yes.
[00:29:23] Can I just,
[00:29:24] can I just make a point and I'm not complaining.
[00:29:26] I'm really not.
[00:29:26] I'm just wondering.
[00:29:27] Cause I,
[00:29:28] I,
[00:29:29] I know it was her birthday recently and I said happy birthday and she just like,
[00:29:32] she just didn't like it.
[00:29:34] And I'm wondering,
[00:29:34] is that on purpose?
[00:29:35] Cause she liked everyone else's.
[00:29:36] And I'm just like,
[00:29:37] Oh,
[00:29:38] it's,
[00:29:38] it's unfair.
[00:29:39] Oh,
[00:29:40] you know why?
[00:29:41] Because everyone else doesn't just show up to my 67th apartment,
[00:29:45] interrupt smoochy time from her.
[00:29:47] Yeah.
[00:29:48] To ask stupid questions like this.
[00:29:50] Okay.
[00:29:50] Okay.
[00:29:50] Okay.
[00:29:51] I'll just tell you the news.
[00:29:51] I'm going on holiday actually for 28 weeks.
[00:29:54] So you won't see me for ages.
[00:29:55] Right.
[00:29:55] I,
[00:29:56] I,
[00:29:56] who gave you,
[00:29:57] who,
[00:29:57] who,
[00:29:57] who gave you that permission?
[00:29:59] Well,
[00:29:59] I saved up the holiday hours for the last,
[00:30:01] last while I've been working.
[00:30:02] So I've been working nonstop off grind,
[00:30:05] grind,
[00:30:06] grind.
[00:30:07] I'm going to be in a nightclub in Portugal,
[00:30:11] grinding,
[00:30:11] grinding,
[00:30:11] grinding.
[00:30:12] That was though.
[00:30:12] That was the one stipulation that you could have.
[00:30:21] This is impressive.
[00:30:22] You'll see it on the West side.
[00:30:23] What is that a milligrams,
[00:30:24] Paul?
[00:30:25] That is a fuck ton.
[00:30:27] I think,
[00:30:28] I think fuck ton is the,
[00:30:29] is the scientific one.
[00:30:31] I'm going to get on the plane.
[00:30:32] Just let you know,
[00:30:33] the a hundred billion.
[00:30:34] I just checked the finances again.
[00:30:35] Apparently there was a minus sign in front of it.
[00:30:37] So we were actually in debt.
[00:30:39] So I think we're like minus 200 billion now.
[00:30:41] You're going to have to figure out,
[00:30:43] you know,
[00:30:43] how,
[00:30:43] how do we make money suddenly?
[00:30:44] Because we're,
[00:30:45] we're very broke.
[00:30:46] I'm going to go on holiday.
[00:30:48] Oh,
[00:30:51] bye to smooch.
[00:30:51] Bye.
[00:30:52] Oh,
[00:30:52] Paul,
[00:30:53] who's paying for the holiday,
[00:30:54] Paul?
[00:30:55] Oh,
[00:30:55] I worked it up.
[00:30:56] My benefits working for the government,
[00:30:58] you know?
[00:30:59] Okay,
[00:31:00] cool.
[00:31:01] Bye.
[00:31:02] Bye.
[00:31:02] I,
[00:31:03] I don't,
[00:31:03] I don't know the girlfriend's name.
[00:31:05] I'm so sorry if she's listening,
[00:31:06] Mary,
[00:31:07] but it's Mrs.
[00:31:08] Smooch.
[00:31:08] Mrs.
[00:31:09] Smooch.
[00:31:09] Mrs.
[00:31:10] Smooch.
[00:31:10] Bye.
[00:31:11] Dave,
[00:31:11] you're not going to like this.
[00:31:12] Yes.
[00:31:14] You're going to have to make money quick.
[00:31:16] Commander of Smooch.
[00:31:17] IMF,
[00:31:18] the International Monetary Fund will come in and take this island from you.
[00:31:20] We know more smooching.
[00:31:22] So this is never happened in Smooch Island before,
[00:31:27] but we're going to have to go to Prost to smooching.
[00:31:30] Well done.
[00:31:32] Well done.
[00:31:33] No,
[00:31:33] why not?
[00:31:34] Oh,
[00:31:35] it's a good one.
[00:31:35] Someone just gives you a nod.
[00:31:36] It's like,
[00:31:37] all right,
[00:31:37] that'll be a good one.
[00:31:38] No,
[00:31:39] everyone's going to,
[00:31:39] everyone's going to be smooching.
[00:31:41] And now,
[00:31:41] but it's never for free.
[00:31:43] And that's how you just boost the economy.
[00:31:45] It's basically.
[00:31:46] You,
[00:31:46] you,
[00:31:46] you get it for free.
[00:31:48] I,
[00:31:50] not anymore.
[00:31:51] So like I said,
[00:31:51] I'm one of the people since I said in the beginning of this goddamn
[00:31:53] interview that I am one with the people.
[00:31:56] That's why I live in a one bedroom apartment.
[00:31:58] So I'm going to start paying too.
[00:32:00] I'm not going to get it for free as,
[00:32:02] as does anyone.
[00:32:03] I have,
[00:32:04] I have a two more questions follow up,
[00:32:06] but I just want to check one thing on this.
[00:32:07] So people are paying for their smooches,
[00:32:09] right?
[00:32:10] Prost is smooching.
[00:32:12] Prost is smooching.
[00:32:13] Right.
[00:32:13] I have that right.
[00:32:14] Okay.
[00:32:14] Um,
[00:32:15] I think the dollar and the euro are fairly close nowadays.
[00:32:19] John,
[00:32:19] if I,
[00:32:19] if I put in 10 euro,
[00:32:20] I think I get back to like $11.
[00:32:22] I'm not too sure,
[00:32:23] but we'll say it's the same.
[00:32:24] How much am I paying for a smooch?
[00:32:26] Like what,
[00:32:26] what's the levels here?
[00:32:27] What's the,
[00:32:28] give me three levels so I can figure out if I'm a tourist.
[00:32:30] So that's the thing.
[00:32:31] So like the $1.
[00:32:33] Yeah.
[00:32:34] Is equal to maybe,
[00:32:35] uh,
[00:32:36] 0.3 smooches.
[00:32:39] So like every $3.
[00:32:41] So like $3 is one smooch.
[00:32:43] So our currency is pretty high.
[00:32:45] It's,
[00:32:45] it's inflated like a motherfucker.
[00:32:47] Don't get me wrong,
[00:32:48] but,
[00:32:48] uh,
[00:32:49] it's,
[00:32:50] it has,
[00:32:50] it has some upside potential and it's actually backed by Dogecoin.
[00:32:55] So,
[00:32:56] Oh yes.
[00:32:57] They really go wrong in that market.
[00:32:59] Cause,
[00:32:59] uh,
[00:33:00] the bull market when it comes,
[00:33:01] you know,
[00:33:01] like semantics,
[00:33:02] theatrics,
[00:33:04] sec,
[00:33:04] like lawyer audits,
[00:33:06] stuff like that.
[00:33:07] So listen,
[00:33:08] I'm not,
[00:33:08] I'm not the commander in smooch.
[00:33:09] I'm not the commander in finance.
[00:33:10] Maybe.
[00:33:11] No,
[00:33:11] no,
[00:33:11] no,
[00:33:11] just,
[00:33:11] well,
[00:33:12] he's on holiday for half a year now.
[00:33:13] Yeah.
[00:33:14] No.
[00:33:14] Yeah.
[00:33:14] Yeah.
[00:33:14] Told you that too.
[00:33:15] Yeah.
[00:33:16] Yeah.
[00:33:17] no,
[00:33:17] I'm just so,
[00:33:18] so $3 for a,
[00:33:19] a smooch,
[00:33:20] a kiss.
[00:33:21] No,
[00:33:21] I just have to be clear.
[00:33:22] That's not with Tom.
[00:33:23] They're always with Tom.
[00:33:25] Good,
[00:33:25] good man.
[00:33:26] Yes.
[00:33:28] Follow this man.
[00:33:30] No,
[00:33:30] um,
[00:33:33] 10,
[00:33:33] 10 smooches for 30 euro.
[00:33:35] Like,
[00:33:36] so you can feed a family for a year off 30 euro.
[00:33:40] That's fantastic.
[00:33:41] Yeah.
[00:33:41] in Ireland,
[00:33:42] you can.
[00:33:42] Um,
[00:33:43] okay.
[00:33:43] That's great.
[00:33:44] I have two questions.
[00:33:45] Um,
[00:33:45] after the coup attempt,
[00:33:46] people are very happy.
[00:33:47] Hello,
[00:33:48] Hopper,
[00:33:48] my cat.
[00:33:49] Your advisors think you should have a photo op.
[00:33:52] Do you know what I mean?
[00:33:52] To make you look like the fucking guy in charge.
[00:33:54] Everyone's very happy,
[00:33:55] but just to keep people,
[00:33:56] you know,
[00:33:56] their morale up,
[00:33:58] um,
[00:33:58] and other things.
[00:33:59] What do we do?
[00:34:00] Do you want a photo op?
[00:34:01] What would you be doing?
[00:34:05] Uh,
[00:34:06] and it's going to kill two birds with one stone.
[00:34:08] We're going to solve everything that he did in the whole,
[00:34:10] no Diddy.
[00:34:10] And we're going to solve the little coup attempt and make everything just fine.
[00:34:14] And yes,
[00:34:15] is Diddy the best representation of smooch?
[00:34:17] No.
[00:34:18] Yeah.
[00:34:20] It's dangerous.
[00:34:21] Don't get me wrong.
[00:34:22] However,
[00:34:23] do you believe in,
[00:34:24] do you,
[00:34:25] do you believe in second smoochies?
[00:34:26] That's,
[00:34:26] that's what,
[00:34:27] cause I'm not going to stop listening.
[00:34:30] Just like Kanye.
[00:34:31] I'm not going to stop listening.
[00:34:32] It's great.
[00:34:32] I know.
[00:34:33] To be honest,
[00:34:33] do you believe in second smoochies?
[00:34:35] Sounds,
[00:34:35] sounds like,
[00:34:36] um,
[00:34:36] a text I would send to an ex.
[00:34:39] That's fantastic.
[00:34:41] Um,
[00:34:41] it's not too late.
[00:34:42] Um,
[00:34:43] okay.
[00:34:43] Last question for you.
[00:34:45] Uh,
[00:34:45] at some point you're going to have to slow down,
[00:34:48] not on smooching.
[00:34:49] You can do that until you're 64,
[00:34:51] I believe,
[00:34:52] but with running the country,
[00:34:53] right?
[00:34:54] You don't,
[00:34:54] you don't have time to collect apartments and,
[00:34:56] and fight wars and whatever else you do every day.
[00:34:59] I would say that at some point you have to think about an air,
[00:35:01] right?
[00:35:02] Who's going to take over this place?
[00:35:03] Now,
[00:35:04] the only limitation I'm going to put on this,
[00:35:05] this question is it has to be someone alive.
[00:35:08] It can't be a hypothetical great,
[00:35:09] great grandson.
[00:35:10] So no.
[00:35:11] Oh,
[00:35:12] wow.
[00:35:12] Okay.
[00:35:12] It can't be one of my 127 kids.
[00:35:15] No,
[00:35:15] it can be Paul.
[00:35:17] Oh,
[00:35:17] no,
[00:35:17] it won't be Paul.
[00:35:18] It won't be Paul.
[00:35:19] Paul actually died at the nightclub.
[00:35:21] Do you know what?
[00:35:22] Sometimes when you grind,
[00:35:23] he died via smooch.
[00:35:25] Oh,
[00:35:25] that is not bad.
[00:35:26] He took too much,
[00:35:27] he took too much smooch agra.
[00:35:29] Yeah.
[00:35:29] Uh,
[00:35:30] but,
[00:35:30] uh,
[00:35:30] I think,
[00:35:31] and I know this also,
[00:35:33] does the person have to be younger than me or did I die?
[00:35:38] Okay.
[00:35:38] No,
[00:35:39] no,
[00:35:39] no.
[00:35:39] You can decide either you do it.
[00:35:40] You know,
[00:35:41] the air can come about when you,
[00:35:42] when you,
[00:35:43] after you pass away or you can just go fuck this place.
[00:35:45] I'm out of here.
[00:35:46] Give it to someone else.
[00:35:47] Yeah.
[00:35:47] Yeah.
[00:35:47] Whatever you want.
[00:35:49] Um,
[00:35:50] so remember that photo op I mentioned?
[00:35:54] I mentioned someone who fly him in.
[00:35:56] Yeah.
[00:35:57] Yeah.
[00:35:58] Well,
[00:35:58] it's not going to be in.
[00:35:59] Okay.
[00:36:00] Okay.
[00:36:00] Okay.
[00:36:00] That was not a good idea to fly him in.
[00:36:03] Uh,
[00:36:04] but you know what would be an even better replacement?
[00:36:07] Hillary Duff.
[00:36:09] I don't know if you're familiar with her work.
[00:36:10] She's a famous child actress.
[00:36:12] Yeah.
[00:36:13] Yeah.
[00:36:14] So she was an honor roll smoochy,
[00:36:16] uh,
[00:36:17] just really displaying the true credentials of what a commander in smooch should be.
[00:36:22] And it's time to have a female take the reins.
[00:36:25] Damn right.
[00:36:27] Women.
[00:36:28] Yeah.
[00:36:28] Every,
[00:36:28] there's no cable.
[00:36:29] There's no,
[00:36:30] it's every movie that is shown at theaters.
[00:36:32] Everything is all Disney channel,
[00:36:33] original movies with Hillary Duff,
[00:36:35] Cadet Kelly,
[00:36:36] uh,
[00:36:38] Lizzie McGuire movie.
[00:36:40] It's just that.
[00:36:41] So,
[00:36:42] um,
[00:36:42] Hillary Duff is my answer.
[00:36:44] I,
[00:36:44] I genuinely,
[00:36:45] when you said Hillary,
[00:36:46] and because you're walking around dressed like,
[00:36:48] uh,
[00:36:49] like sexy Hillary Clinton.
[00:36:51] Yeah.
[00:36:51] With a,
[00:36:51] with a human romper.
[00:36:52] Yeah.
[00:36:53] I thought you were going Hillary Clinton and I thought that's a very different vibe of the island.
[00:36:57] She'd actually,
[00:36:57] she'd actually be terrible.
[00:36:58] She'd actually be worse than the guy in the photo.
[00:37:01] Yeah.
[00:37:02] Yeah.
[00:37:02] No,
[00:37:02] maybe,
[00:37:03] maybe not.
[00:37:04] Hillary Duff.
[00:37:04] Where the fuck did that name?
[00:37:05] And not that like Hillary Duff.
[00:37:06] Yeah.
[00:37:07] I remember her.
[00:37:07] It was great.
[00:37:08] I don't know most things that come to my mind to be completely honest.
[00:37:11] Brilliant.
[00:37:11] Love the energy.
[00:37:12] So are you leaving the island?
[00:37:13] Are you staying?
[00:37:14] Are you out of here?
[00:37:15] Oh,
[00:37:16] I told,
[00:37:16] I'm,
[00:37:16] I'm,
[00:37:16] I'm staying.
[00:37:17] I'm staying.
[00:37:18] You're happy.
[00:37:18] Yeah.
[00:37:19] Okay.
[00:37:20] Fair enough.
[00:37:20] Fair enough.
[00:37:20] Um,
[00:37:21] well done,
[00:37:22] Marco.
[00:37:24] And scene.
[00:37:25] Uh,
[00:37:25] can I ask where do people find you online or how do people find you?
[00:37:28] Uh,
[00:37:29] you can find me at,
[00:37:30] uh,
[00:37:30] at smoothie town pod on Instagram and tick tock at Marco.
[00:37:35] Uh,
[00:37:35] though.
[00:37:35] Beck is my personal on Instagram and then,
[00:37:38] uh,
[00:37:38] smooch town.com.
[00:37:39] You can find upcoming tour dates,
[00:37:41] uh,
[00:37:41] smirch,
[00:37:42] uh,
[00:37:42] to buy.
[00:37:43] And,
[00:37:44] uh,
[00:37:44] you can,
[00:37:46] yeah,
[00:37:46] potentially find me canceled too after that,
[00:37:48] uh,
[00:37:49] photo comment,
[00:37:50] but we'll see,
[00:37:50] you know?
[00:37:51] Yeah,
[00:37:51] we'll see.
[00:37:52] And I don't edit.
[00:37:53] Um,
[00:37:54] okay.
[00:37:54] Thanks everyone for,
[00:37:55] for listening and everything like that.
[00:37:56] Actually one small little question.
[00:37:58] When you leave,
[00:37:59] when you leave power,
[00:38:00] any words of advice,
[00:38:01] last words of advice you'd give your citizens,
[00:38:03] you know?
[00:38:04] Ask not what smoochy Island can do for you,
[00:38:08] but what you can smooch for your Island.
[00:38:12] Consensually.
[00:38:14] Consensually.
[00:38:14] Yes.
[00:38:15] and JFK made that famous,
[00:38:17] but,
[00:38:17] uh,
[00:38:18] I think Marco.
[00:38:20] So like,
[00:38:21] you made that a little more famous.
[00:38:22] So yeah,
[00:38:23] I don't want to compare,
[00:38:23] uh,
[00:38:24] rulers or your president thing,
[00:38:26] but I'm better.
[00:38:27] Yes.
[00:38:27] Yeah.
[00:38:27] Probably.
[00:38:28] Okay.
[00:38:28] Goodbye.
[00:38:28] Bye.
[00:38:28] Bye.