Sooz Kempner - Scourge of Cringe Dogs and Unfunny Social Media Users

[00:00:03] Hello, this is The Tyrant In Training Podcast, I am Kevin and this is an improv comedy podcast for each week. A guest joins me to chat about how they would rule their own country. Today's guest is comedian Suze Kempner. As a tyrant of her own country, Suze is known as the supreme leader, cry laugh emoji, of the island of Jago and here are some out of context quotes from Suze about her people skills.

[00:00:22] I wouldn't allow unfunny people to get away with it. Bob, listen mate, what you did for Live Aid was great at the time but we all know you chose yourselves a real nice time slot for the Boontown Rats and you did half an hour. I threw a handful of daddy long legs at my mum. Meanwhile, all up and down her body.

[00:00:45] You can subscribe to The Tyrant In Training Podcast everywhere you find podcasts online. You can follow the podcast on social media on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok and Blue Sky at Tyrant Training Podcast or you can just follow me on those sites if you look for at Kev Ryan Person. Also, the podcast has its own website which is tyrantintraining.podcast page. Now, here is this crazy tyrant. Suze Kempner, you just said that Blue Sky was partly too positive.

[00:01:21] Suze Kempner, you just said that. Suze Kempner, you just said that. Suze Kempner, you also mean it. Some people are just not funny. But I'm also not furious or anything.

[00:01:47] Suze Kempner, you just said that. And I will get replies from people who A. assume this is a dig at them personally and B. think it should be taken 1000% seriously and that happens on Blue Sky so much and they will reply like this place is meant to be a holiday from Twitter. This is, I am a Twitter refugee. It's like, let's not be using words like refugee about Twitter. Yeah, you see them with it in their bio, like Twitter refugee. Maybe in the current climate of the world. Right? That's a little bit unfair.

[00:02:17] I was like, none of you were personally traumatised by Elon Musk. And if you find, and they'll go like, no one should be mentioning Elon Musk or Trump on here. I don't want to hear about them. Like, well, get off social media then. They're part of the most powerful administration on the planet. And people are going to talk about them. And as well, some of those people don't call him Elon. They call him Elmo, which I think is so much worse. Yes. Why would you pick Elmo?

[00:02:46] These cute nicknames. And they're like, I don't call, I call him Orange Cheeto. I call him Drumpf. Look at this cat. I'm sorry. Oh, sorry. Yeah, we will stop. The readers at home won't be able to see this amazing cat. Look at that. He only has one eye. What a guy. I'll be honest. I thought he only had one eye. Yeah, he only has one eye. Oh, bless him. Absolutely fine. What happens to the other eye? I don't know. I woke up. I was staying out at home at the time. And I used to let him out in the morning.

[00:03:16] Yeah. I was fine because he'd wake up early. And he was outside. And then I was still early in the morning. I got woken up by my mother saying something's wrong with beep. This is beep. Beep. Oh. And then I was like, okay. And I got up and I walked. I walked out of my room to the hall. And up at the other end of the hall, this guy had his eye out like a mile outside his head. It was bulging. It was bulging out. Bulging out of his head. And I was like, oh my God. So like a weird stigmatism thing. Oh. No. And I went up to the vet.

[00:03:46] I will say. This has turned into a podcast about my cat now. I went up to the vet. I was like doing my best to ignore the cat because I was like, the people at home can't see the cat. But I love cats. So we could do it. No, no, no. They just have to fast forward on. It'll take about nine minutes. I went up to the vet. You know the way that whole thing of like, oh, you never corner an injured animal. Yes. Oh, the worst thing you could do, they'll kill you. They will kill you because they're injured. Right. He had his eye sticking out of his head.

[00:04:15] And the vet said, oh, put him on the ground there. I have to check for like brain damage and stuff. Because that's the real issue. Because his brain's swelling and it's made the eye pop out. The eye is one thing because you can get rid of that. But yeah, you don't know what happened. So he said, oh, put him on the ground there. I better examine him first. So I put him on the ground. He's obviously very like scared and like timid at this point. Right. Right. And he backed into the corner of the room and the vet is on his hands and knees getting in close to him to like grab his head and have a look.

[00:04:43] And all he's doing, I'm thinking, oh, he's going to swipe at the vet. He's going to do the injured animal thing. Naturally. He just put up his paw like to his hand to like put it down. And Meow would really like, I swear he said, please. Oh, he's very sweet. He's a delight. Now he just headbutts you when he wants rubs. But at the time, he was very sweet. Yeah. Bing. What were we talking about? And did they ever find out what was wrong with his eye? I have no idea. And like, it was funny because like, you know, my mother would go, I bet it was the neighbor

[00:05:13] throwing a rock at him. And I was like, well, I can't go over and kill my neighbor on a hunt. No. Also, it's not that I want to think the best of people because I like to talk shit about people, but that wasn't what would cause an eye to go boop. No, to go. Yeah. And then they were like, oh, maybe because, you know, the road is right in front of us. Maybe he got hit by a car. And I was like, if he got hit by a car and only his eye came out. Yeah. Just on his eye. How lucky is this cat? Yeah. No. Absolutely fine. Right.

[00:05:43] Well, I'm glad to see he's doing so well for himself. He is doing absolutely fine. He's had that eye gone for a year. We have forgotten the fact that he has two eyes. Do you know what I mean? You just forget about it. I bet he has as well. My mom. So my mom's a dressage trainer and a judge. And she does dressage on other people's horses professionally. That's her job. She works with horses. And one of the horses she rides is he's actually retired now. It's called Hobnob.

[00:06:11] He had to have an eye out and he just, they took his eye out. And now he just walks around fine with one eye. Hobnob is a great name. I don't think he knows the difference. Hobnob. It is objectively a good name. He's a good lad. Do you know, he's been a national side saddle champion. Oh, really? Now he's got one eye. He wouldn't win now. Yeah, but that's what I mean. With one eye or with two? Because if he did it with one eye... He did it with two. He'd retired from being ridden and then they took the eye out because it kept getting infections. Oh, okay. He's just got one eye now.

[00:06:41] But it's proper like, he's like a little pirate. Did, when, when Beep had his, this has nothing to do with ruling the country, but we will get there. We'll get there. He'll get there eventually. When he got his eye out, obviously I was worried that he's fine, obviously. Yeah. But I was Googling, you know, eye patches for cats. Yeah. And I kept seeing, you don't need to do that. Cats aren't vain. And I was like, oh, all right. Well, fuck you. Like, okay. I didn't know that's what they were for. I'm just, like, I'm pretty sure it said, they're not like people. They're not vain.

[00:07:11] And I was like, put a bloody eye out. It's not vain. You can't write this. Do better, people. Yeah. Hobnob doesn't have an eye patch. No eye patch. And it's like, because, like, Beeps is quite subtle. Hobnobs is like, someone's got an ice cream scoop and just gone like, take it. It's deep. Like, horses are huge. Like, he's a big lad. And he's got, like, a big, deep eye socket with nothing in it.

[00:07:37] Like, you could probably put a ping pong ball in there and put a dot on it and it would look like an eye going like, whoa. Do you know the way you said that? Yeah. I'm suspecting, and be honest. You didn't just improvise that example. You legitimately thought, should we get a ping pong? I actually did only just think of it. But I was like, that describes how big the hole in his head is. Oh, okay. But it might work. It might be nice. Bit of blue tack. It could be done. And he's a pretty relaxed guy. I think he'd let us do it. Go for it.

[00:08:08] We're, yeah. Oh, I was going to talk about Bordock Empire. But let's get into the podcast. I'm thinking of the character in that with his hands. Half his face gone. Okay. So what I was reason why I was bringing up blue sky and positivity and stuff is, do you reckon, and Beef's going to leave now because we've stopped talking about it. Bite Beef. He literally has. If you were going to, if you would rule your own country and you have all your citizens there, do you reckon, like, would you, basically, would you try to be a positive influence on them?

[00:08:36] Or would you go, no, they're there to support me. I'm not there to support them. I think, yeah, no, I'd be a realistic influence on them. Because, like, I think my, I know this isn't a political podcast, but I think my politics are very positive. My politics are all about, like, a fair society. Yes.

[00:09:02] And everyone having a chance to have a good life, like a true meritocracy. And genuinely so, not just saying it and then giving tons of money to the private sector. So that's the word. So I think that is positive. Equally, if someone's not funny, I'll just go, well, no, you need to do better. That was, that was, that was bad, bad posting. That I'd treat it like blue sky. I'd tell people they were bad posters and stuff.

[00:09:31] So if you had someone on your, if your island had a lot of very unfunny people. And not even just unfunny people, but people who thought they were funny. Do you know that? Yeah, absolutely. And they're constantly, like, giving it all that. Yeah, I mean, again, I'm not going to mention them a lot. But Elon Musk level, funny. Absolutely. An all time, all time terrible poster. Just so bad at posting. And his dream is to be drill. The, the, the famous Twitter user now on blue sky.

[00:10:01] His dream is to be drill. That's what he wants. He wants to be known as a great poster. Yeah. And he just isn't. And unfortunately, he is working in the administration of Trump. Who, like, love him or hate him. I personally hate him. Sorry if that's controversial. But the man is a born poster. Oh, he's brilliant. Yeah, I do. I am not a fan of the current president. But I think if he had, in an alternate universe where he is not doing anything politics and nothing businessy. Yeah.

[00:10:31] But all he's doing is hosting, like, comedy roasts. Oh. It'd be brilliant. Because sometimes his comedic timing is just beautiful. Yeah, it's fun. And people are like, it's always unintentional. And he actually isn't. This doesn't mean I actually find him a funny man. But he is a funny man. He's funny. He's the funniest president. Like, I, it's bizarre then that you have him there who, you know, terrible person. But could have been legit funny weirdo. Great poster. Yeah.

[00:10:58] And then you have Ilhan Osko who's just bizarrely bad. Like, doesn't understand the basic functions of a joke. Like, today he posted, like, it's a map of the bottom of Britain and the top of France. Oh, yeah. And the English Channel. And he said, I think we, this is what we should rename this body of water. And he'd written in the English Channel, the George Washington Channel. And it was like, eh? What? George Washington wasn't from there.

[00:11:28] It doesn't make any sense. You don't make any sense. But, and what he's done is being like, pon, pon. I trolled you. I punked you with this. And it's like, no, it doesn't make, it doesn't make any sense. You're so bad at posting. So I wouldn't allow that in my, on my island. Do you know what he doesn't do? I don't think. He doesn't do because I, I'm a fan of puns. I know some people like it.

[00:11:52] But even if you're terrible, if you can, if you keep going the pun route, eventually you will get one that's like, oh, that's not bad. You'll land. You'll land somewhere at some point. Yeah. I don't think he ever does puns. I don't think his mind works that way. Because he's so woefully unfunny. Like, once he posted a tweet that made me really laugh, but I don't think it was on purpose. He tweeted, haven't had, haven't had sex in a while. Sigh. That's funny. But I think that was genuinely like, sad man.

[00:12:22] Yeah. Sad man typed it. He was about to get into a thing of like, I'm so busy. I'm working at so many different companies. And you're like, no, don't make a point about it. Yeah. That's it. That's it. So are you allowing funny people on your island? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or unfunny people. They're allowed, but they should know. So I'll let them know. How are you going to let them know? I'll treat. Well, if they. You'll treat them bad. No, I'll treat them like I treat people on Blue Sky. Like, if I get a bad reply, you don't get a like.

[00:12:52] If I get a woeful. That woeful replies you get sometimes. But they're not going to be forbidden, like, from owning houses or anything. No, I wouldn't do that. Not marginalized. But like, this is the thing. If they pipe up. Yeah. In front of me. And I'll have to keep an eye on this. If they pipe up and it's like. And they've been like. No, I'm not going to laugh politely. I'll just say that wasn't good. That was. I'll call it posting. I'll say that was bad posting, even if it was face to face.

[00:13:20] And they can still live in the society. And yeah. Okay. But they will be shunned by. They're not allowed to become comedians. They're not allowed to be. Okay. Oh, they might have their own comedy club and it's terrible. Yeah. I'd shut it down. Oh, it's illegal. Although I do think if we let. If like. If Elon Musk had spent like. He's got. I mean, it's all on paper, isn't it? He's got $400 billion. He hasn't got access to most of it. But, you know.

[00:13:47] Even if he'd spent one billion of his own money. On like. The ultimate comedy club. Wherever he wanted it. And he called it Elon's. Yeah. And he appeared there every night. And he booked whichever comedians he wanted. Because he could like. Have anyone. He could pay them anything. And. Part of the deal was they all had to hang out with him. I think. He would have been happier than he is now. But just so.

[00:14:16] There's so many things you'd think like. Surely he'd be happy just doing this. And no. I think he's. I think he's happy on. On next. I just think he's not happy. I think there's something eating away at him. I think. I think it must have ruined his life. When he went on stage. Dave Chappelle. Oh yeah. You know. Now. Nowadays it is like. What a tiresome man. But when he. Like he was one of the most respected comedians on the planet. Oh yeah. Yeah. I think like his recent output is a lazy load of shit.

[00:14:46] But. Yeah. He. He. Had Elon Musk come on stage. And he was like. Oh my God. I'm going on stage. At Dave Chappelle's show. And the audience were like. They hated that nerd. But did they try a bit or something. Or. You know. I don't think so. Did he say any words or anything. Or no. Maybe it was just Dave Chappelle trying to say that. I think he just came on stage waving. And everyone went. Boo. Boo. So he now knows. Like. Even Dave Chappelle. With his cool. Anti-woke fans. That Elon Musk. Thinks like. They love me.

[00:15:15] They were like. Ah no. This guy's a fucking dickhead. There. There was something. Before their election. Where he was at a rally. And he's up talking. I can't remember what the topic was. He mentioned something. And the crowd kind of went a bit like. Eh. We're sick of that. And you can see him being like. Hold on now. USA. And you're like. Oh. You're losing him. You're losing him. You're losing him. You know when he couldn't chant USA.

[00:15:44] Was that the one where you kind of had a weird. That was when he went. He chanted it. USA. You know. It's USA. Yeah. He was going. USA. USA. And then he went. That was it. Why can't he chant. Why can't he chant. Why can't he chant. You're saying. Anyway. Sorry. I'm getting off topic. I wouldn't allow. I wouldn't allow. Unfunny people to get away with it. I. I would just have to tell them. You're bad at this. You need to be better at. As long as they get consistent reminders. That. Yeah.

[00:16:14] When they try it. They're allowed to try to be funny though. Yeah. And I'm not even going to check in. I'm not even going to like go. Let's look down the list. Who was. Who was shit at this. Right. I'm going to go around there. And see how they're doing now. No. Get. They can. Hopefully it'll just stick in their head. They'll get the message. Okay. Yeah. Keep improving. We'll set up this country proper. Right. What we will do is. Are you good at geography? In terms of where are countries in the world. Where are countries they are about and all that. Reasonably good. Yeah. That's fine. Because I used to play.

[00:16:44] World Traveller IQ Challenge a lot. That's World Traveller. It's really good. You have to click. It'll like. It'll come up with a country. And a city. And then later around. It's just a city. Or just a landmark. And you have to click on it. On the big map. Yeah. And how close you are to it. Is how many points you get. And then you. There's 12 rounds. It's really good. World Traveller IQ Challenge. There's another one called GeoGuessr. GeoGuessr's good. It's a slightly different name. But yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's very good. Yeah.

[00:17:14] I get sponsorship out of them. But I do have a map. Oh, I get to choose. I see. So what you can do is. Because I don't like taking over countries. Right. That's why I'll never be elected to anything. We're going to make you an island. We're going to pretend an island has been built. So it's just really to see what sort of weather you want. You know, where do you want to be? Well, the best gig I've ever had was 2021.

[00:17:38] I got flown out to the Maldives for a week to do New Year's Eve. I did one gig on New Year's Eve on a resort. And I got to spend the week there in my own private villa. And it was honestly the best place I've ever been in my life. I've never been there. I never go on luxury holidays because they're expensive. So this holiday was just unbelievable. What a gig. They never asked me back. So I reckon round by the Maldives. Did you go on stage just going, this is amazing? And just think. Oh, can you believe it?

[00:18:08] Screw the set I have planned. Well, let's just see pictures of the villa. It was so good. All I had to do was sing for half an hour as well. So they didn't even have to listen to me talk. Oh, it was so great. So I want to go. I want to have it around there. So it's around the Maldives. Just park it up beside the Maldives. Park it up. What was the... So how hot was it? Perfect. It was like 26, 27 degrees. Oh, that's ideal. Yeah.

[00:18:37] With like the sea was so blue. Yeah, yeah. That's what... Do you know what? I noticed that when we were over in Australia a couple of years ago. And obviously it's really nice there and really sunny and stuff. And I was like... It was about 20, 20 something degrees there. But I was like, if you're in Ireland, it can be the same like 24 degrees or 25 degrees. Right. But I think it's because it's so like humid or something. Yeah, sure. It still feels dull.

[00:19:06] Like when you're looking out, it looks dull. But like when you're in the Maldives, it's probably the same where it's bright. Like it is just... It was amazing. Clear and bright and sunny. And the beaches are amazing. I mean, I shouldn't be trying to sell it as a tourist destination because apparently we're, you know, we're all destroying the planet. And the Maldives are going to be underwater in 30 years. So make the most of it. Maybe go now. Go now, now, now. It was amazing. Use promo code Suze to get... Yeah. To get 60% off the Maldives. Do you know what?

[00:19:36] I looked up when I was there. I've talked about this on stage. So I was in my own private villa and it had its own private beach. And I went, I looked up. I got, I just, as soon as I got in there, I went, how much did this fucking cost? I looked it up and had an outdoor bathroom as well at the back. All hidden. But it was all like beautiful roll top bath under the palm trees. How amazing. A bathroom, like an outdoor one where you sit out in nature. Yeah, I was just like looking up at the stars, having a bath, going, I hope no one scales this fence.

[00:20:06] And the, yeah, it was for two people to stay there for the week I was there, which was peak season. 60 grand, 30 grand each. Jesus. Yeah, it was proper luxury. This is ridiculous. And can I be honest with you? Not worth it. No, like that's not worth it. Ridiculous. I stayed at a villa once in the south of Spain for, there was a wedding there, but we got to stay there for a few days.

[00:20:33] But there was like 10 of us there and it felt like I was excited because I had watched Love Island. So, like every evening I was just running up to people going, can we sit over there? Who are you picking tonight? Are you happy? Could you be happier? Just like my fiance going, what are you doing? Nothing, nothing. I'll be back in a few minutes. Lovely time. Yeah, villas are fantastic. Yeah. I do have to ask, if you are going to be the ruler of your own country, are you going to have a villa sort of house for yourself?

[00:21:02] I think, yeah, no, definitely. But I don't need much because I just don't, I don't think anyone needs like luxury homes, do they? You've got, if you've got a bathroom, has it got a bath in it? I like a bath, you see, as roll top bath. Maybe a roll top bath is my luxury. What's a roll top? It's one of those ones that's got feet and the top, rather than built into the wall. It's got feet in its hands. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You like those ones?

[00:21:31] Yeah, I think they look really cool. Yes. Do you, eh, I can take a leave. I do think though, do you have the one, would you have the one where the tap is in the middle? Oh, I know what you mean. Instead of the one at the end? I think at the end. Why? Because then you can get away from it if you need to. What? If you're running it, then you don't have the thing where you're just sitting in the bit where it's just getting really hot if you're adding more hot water.

[00:21:59] So you go out the other end and then it can get gradually hot. You race to the other end and then come back. Yeah, okay. It's a huge bath. Yes. I think that would be the luxury element of my home. Probably have a spare bedroom for visitors. I like having people come to stay. Nothing too crazy though. Nothing like an infinity pool or anything like that? No, no need. Have a big one for the whole island. Yeah, huge, obviously. But everyone who lives there can use it.

[00:22:29] Now, when you say everyone lives there, usually I say 10 million people are going to be on your island. 10 million. Maybe we'll have several. Like four or five. Like, yeah, two million each. Oh, sorry, I meant people on the island. Yeah, yeah. I thought you'd think several people would be fine. I think, no, there'll be several infinity pools. Okay, but there will be 10 million people. Yeah. That's what I was wondering. So maybe the whole outline of the island is infinity pools. Yeah.

[00:22:58] Or it's just one, is it just one big infinity pool just along the coast? It is. And people would start featuring us in, there'd be like YouTube videos where they go, I went to the socialist island where people who aren't funny get told. And it's surrounded by an infinity pool and no one makes bad wisecracks at you. And you, someone would be trying to swim the entire length.

[00:23:28] Someone did the, someone has done that. On your island? They did a circuit. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't Walliams either. It was someone. He's not allowed. He's done enough. No, he didn't express an interest, but I don't want him there. Thank you. It's Matt Lucas. No, it's Matt Lucas. He did a circuit. He did it. He was, he was absolutely, he was wonderful. Lovely, lovely man. Signed autographs on the way. Okay. That's it. That's it.

[00:23:55] So when you mentioned your socialist paradise, have you thought of a name? Oh, I'm not going to name it after me. You're not tempted? No, I think it's a little ostentatious, isn't it? You know Trump would, wouldn't he? You know the Hindenburg? You're not naming it after that because that didn't go well. No, I don't think I'll call it the Hindenburg. The Hindenburg, originally they wanted to call it the Hitler and Hitler was like, no, no, I think that's a bit much. Come on. I don't want people, I don't want people to look me and think bad.

[00:24:25] They don't want people thinking I'm a big head. So I think it is funny that Hitler had more self-awareness about that sort of thing than Trump, which is not me saying when it comes to Hitler, you really got to hand it to him. You got to give him respect. He was a humble man. Yeah. He had the humility. We can all learn from that. I think I'll call, I think, like my favourite thing is getting into jogging bottoms at the end of a long day.

[00:24:55] I love that. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So I think we'll call the island Joggo. Joggo. Joggo. Yeah. I think there should be as well a, this is going to make me sound like a Nazi, but there'll be like quite a importance on fitness. Nazis like that. Fitness. Okay. But you know. So I think it's good, like people, like, because we've got our infinity pool and the weather's so nice. People all are like walking around outside. So I think like Joggo, because then it's like, Joggo. Oh, you've been down. Yeah.

[00:25:24] It sounds like Joggo, doesn't it? Yeah. But in a positive way. But in a positive way, which. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're all about here. I am also glad that when you started the sentence with, this is going to make me sound like a Nazi. This is going to make me sound like a Nazi. We're like, about the. Rights only. Just about to move my mouse down to the end button there. And then. Well, thanks for coming on, Seuss. And that was Seuss Kempner. Yeah. That's Seuss Kempner. He wouldn't have guessed was a Nazi, but people surprise you.

[00:25:51] Stay tuned for next week's episode where I out more secret Nazis on. You dragged it out of me, Kevin. Yeah. I have a way of doing that. So it's called Joggo. Not Joggo Island. Just Joggo. Joggo beside Maldives. Yeah. Yeah. Lovely. I didn't know. Nice name. Good name for a socialist utopia, right? You know, it's a happy name. It's a. Yeah. Too Serious name. That's it. That's it. Nothing too serious. Speaking of which then. Yeah. What is your official title going to be?

[00:26:21] What are people going to pronounce you as? I'm Supreme Leader. But it's like a bit tongue in cheek. Okay. But when it's written down, you know, you can't really grab the. You put Supreme Leader and then a cry laugh emoji. I wouldn't normally allow. I'd find that emoji annoying. But I'm taking it back. And it's so it's Supreme Leader cry laugh emoji. Cry laugh emoji. I'll put that in here beside it just so I write that down.

[00:26:51] Great. Cry laugh emoji. Perfect. Okay. Supreme Leader. And if people don't call you it, are they in trouble or? No, absolutely not. But my favourites are the ones who do and then go Supreme Leader. But they say it with a bit of like, ha ha ha. So they know it's a joke. What if people start calling the country Suzbekistan?

[00:27:14] I wouldn't like that because it makes it sound like it's named after a woman called Suz, whose surname is Beckistan. And I'd be like, no, that's that's misleading. But you're you're you're not going to like make get them in trouble or anything. No, no. I'm not really into I'm not really into like high level punishments for slight slight mistakes, you know, slights. Yeah.

[00:27:45] Okay. Yeah. Do you? Oh, this is a question I usually ask where there's a little less. There's more of a binary choice, basically. Either way, your citizens are happy. Okay. Sure. When you set up your island, you have to have some people who runs the everyday kind of boring part of, you know, figuring out how to run a country. So would you do it where you say there's no voting on the island? You pick 10 people to be your inner council. They'll handle everything.

[00:28:13] Or would you allow your citizens to vote for like a Senate, 100 senators? Yeah. Ultimately, you have ultimate say, right? Yeah. So you'd let them vote? No, I wouldn't have ultimate say. I'd let them vote. But the press on the island would be run. It's like there's no big there's no big moguls. Right. Yes. So we don't have a Murdoch press on the island. Yeah.

[00:28:42] Similar to New Zealand. They don't have a Murdoch press in New Zealand. They said Australia went fuck that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Basically, I think that is what happened. So I think that will mean we don't have tons of misinformation. Also, I'd have fact checking everything. Everything. Yeah. We're going to fact check all the time. I'm going to hire a bunch of fact checkers.

[00:29:06] But like if someone applies for the job and they are like, yeah, the woke liberal media has been ruined. Are they being hired? I think what we have is. I think what we have is we fact check them. Well, everyone who reads about them. There's the fact check at the side. OK. Yeah. So you just always have pop ups beside whatever they write. Yeah. Like on VH1 pop up video. There'd just be a thing going, you know, Meatloaf didn't wear a wig for this bit.

[00:29:36] Do you remember pop up video? No. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. So it'd be like that. So if anyone's watching the news on Jogo, they would be watching some. Maybe there's a politician who slipped through the net and and they're, you know, talking, talking shit. Yeah. They're spouting crap about how well everyone knows that, you know, nationalized trains constantly explode right in your right in your living room. Yeah. Right in your living room. They pop in your living room and explode.

[00:30:04] There'd be a thing that would go pop up. In the corner and go, this isn't true. This has there's no documented case of this happening. People would learn to trust the fact checkers. What if they start then going, you know, all those pop ups that keep popping up? Yeah. Those are a psyop by by the Supreme Leader. And that crying emoji is your children that she plans to take and drink their blood. Damn it. I was planning that. Yeah. That's the pop up that comes up. She was planning. She was planning that actually. And I'm like, that's irrelevant.

[00:30:34] Actually got us. Fair play. I can't believe this. Yeah. Do you know, you can't stop. You can't stop these things totally, but you can help them not happen. So hopefully there wouldn't be too many of these style politicians. There is a politician on the island who is called Alex Jones. I'll just leave it at that. You might have to deal with that. Alex Jones. Yeah. But it's the one off the one show. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I meant.

[00:31:03] There's no other one that's worth paying attention to. She's gone into politics. Yeah. Do you have any idea what unusual list would your country of Jago be top of? So like when I say unusual list, you know, healthcare, best education, stuff like that is just aspirational. But what unusual list. It's on. It's got the most. It's got the most independent cinemas that show classic bangers all the time.

[00:31:32] Like Sosters or Cares? Like Goodfellas and stuff. Oh, sorry. I didn't. Yeah. Bangers. An independent cinema and they're like a special screening tonight of Goodfellas. Yes. Or Jaws or something. The sort of films that a lot of us like. But when we saw them, they'd already been out for a decade or two. So we never got to see them on the big screen. Down Jago, in every town, there's an independent cinema showing old bangers. And I make a kind of request for this. Yeah, of course.

[00:32:01] And in any of the cinemas you can. There's a clipboard up and you put your requests. Oh, geez. That's even better. That's lovely. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say, can a lot of these be outdoor? Yeah, in the summer that would do outdoor. Yeah. Or like, or what's the drive-thru? I've never gone to a drive-in. Is it a drive-in? Drive-in movie. Yeah. I've never gone. We can do that. We can do. Yeah, there's loads of them on Jago in the summer.

[00:32:28] And also once a year, there's Queen Wembley 86 Day, where every town screens, has an outdoor screening Queen live at Wembley 86. The Magic Tour, from the Magic Tour. Lovely. Are you there? You're watching every year as well. I'm there going, woo! And they say, where will Supreme Leader LOL be this year? Is that your name though? Supreme Leader LOL. Supreme Leader LOL. Yeah. Because everyone knows it's just a bit of fun. Yeah.

[00:32:58] Some people call you Lorraine though, because LOL sometimes is short. It is annoying. It is a problem. It's an unforeseen problem. Yeah, yeah. I do have a tough question for you though, unfortunately. Okay. Because you know, you are leading a country after all. I mean, these things are going to happen, right? Yeah. Some of your advisors have just let you know that there is a scandal about to come out involving you that people find out about. Oh God. Your approval rating was 92% and it's gone down to 59%.

[00:33:26] So Jesus, that's actually higher than I usually give people. That is so much higher than most of our politicians. And even 59, yeah. Like that's pretty good. Even 59 is incredibly high for, yeah. It's, yeah. The scandal isn't you've murdered several people. No, I don't think they would do that. But the good thing is. I wonder what made my scandal. I know why it would happen. I find, I like dogs, but I find them too much. Dogs are too, they're too much.

[00:33:56] They, and people go, oh, they love you unconditionally. It's like, no, they need you unconditionally. They need, they're so needy. And I'm not really into like things. We've discussed this about blue sky. People going, oh my God, you're here. Stay on blue sky. Stay. I'm like too much, too much, too needy. That's what dogs are like. And someone on a hot mic heard me saying like, fucking dogs are too much, man. They need to calm the fuck down. They, are you a dog? Chill out. And then I start doing an impression of a dog going, whoa, you're back. You're back.

[00:34:26] This is brilliant. Too much, too much. And people hate it because they love dogs. On the island, is it a, is it, because you're on the way to say like Britain, big dog nation, right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Is, is Joggo a big dog, dog country? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately. And I shouldn't have said what I said. You'd never get a dog. Just in general. I grew up, we grew up with dogs. My mom, right?

[00:34:53] We lived in a small house and my mom had Alsatians. Only one at a time. They're energetic. They're so big. It's like owning a wolf. And they would go with her. She, because she rides other people's horses at their houses. So she'd go to like six different houses in a day that had horses. And the dog would just go away and run around the stuff. But they were still at home at night, taking up a lot of space. They're too big. And then when I was 15, my grandma died.

[00:35:20] And one of her last wishes was that we would take her border collie, Bess. And Bess was like just a bad dog. As in low quality. She was a low quality dog. She was like cringey and. Bad jokes? Doing cringey. Yeah. She was just a bit like, oh, everything's a bit. She's a bit wussy and wimpy. And she really liked me, which I wasn't proud of.

[00:35:48] Because it's like when it would be like if like Peter Sutcliffe liked your comedy. You wouldn't be like happy about it. But yeah, the dog, I was her favorite. And I always used to be a bit like, oh, it's annoying that such a bad dog likes me. So you had the love of a dog. Of a piss. Yeah. Yeah. And then she was 10 when we got her. And I figured like, listen, we're going to give this dog two good years. In grandma's memory, we'll be not.

[00:36:17] Obviously, we were nice to the dog. We were abused the dog. But we were like, let's give the dog two nice years. And then she'll pass away knowing that she was loved by Kempner's for her whole life. She lived till she was 16. She, this dog would not, would not die. Nothing could stop it. And I've talked to people about this before. Like sometimes you think you can trust people enough to tell them about Bess, the bad dog. And they start going, oh, why are you so horrible about the dog? It's like we obviously weren't taking bad care of her.

[00:36:47] She was 16. She was freeloading off to Kempner's for years. Yes. She had nothing could stop this dog from being alive. So were you nice? Were you giving her good years last four years? Yeah, we were nice to her and everything. But it never stopped her being like someone would come round, a visitor would come round and Bess would just like cringe away from them. Nothing bad had ever happened to this dog. Just her personality. I don't fully understand the dog cringing.

[00:37:16] Like just going like, you know when some dogs like, oh, like you're about to hit it or something. But that had never happened to her. Not once. My grandma had had it from a puppy. My grandma always had, my grandma had too many dogs. She managed to rehome all the others. But her friends were like, you want to rehome Bess? No, you're all right. She was just a bad dog, but not in a cool way.

[00:37:41] So, but like I've had people who look at me like that's a cancelable offense that I slag off a dog that I had 20 plus years ago. So I think that would happen. So dog gate is your water gate. Yeah, I think that's what happens on Joggo. And they call it, and the international press calls it Doggo. Out of, to mock you? Yeah, they're going Doggo. On Joggo. Colon, hot mic catches supreme leader lol.

[00:38:09] And slagging off dogs in worst way. Hot mic is one of the security guards. Hot mic catches. Hot mic! He's one of my team. He's a treacherous guy. He really likes dogs, so he caught me. Hot mic knows. He's a traitor, but by God, he's handsome. Have you seen his bone structure? He goes viral like, you know, like when sometimes like a cop will be caught on camera. Oh yeah.

[00:38:39] At a riot or something. Like a really intense riot. And there'll just be a cop holding up a hand saying stop. But there'll be really good looking. And everyone will be like, ooh. Remember the sexy cop? And I'm like, no, stop it. ACAB, come on. We need to stop hot mic. Oh yeah. So your advisors say, would you go on to the nightly news, Jago News, to discuss it? Do you know like Frost Nixon, that movie? Yeah. When they sit down. Would you have that moment where you're sitting down with the presenter? I would. I wouldn't be afraid to do that. Oh yeah.

[00:39:08] You seem like, yeah, let's go fucking explain it. So you need to like build up your approval rating after this. Yes. What we'd do is be acting as Anderson, which would be the news person. He would say, of course, thank you very much. Supreme leader, lol. Ha ha ha. Yeah. Ha ha ha. And we're like, stop it, stop it. Everyone has to. Yeah. Thank you for coming. This has obviously been a terrible week for everyone, not just you. Yeah. For dogs everywhere. Exactly.

[00:39:36] Maybe I try and make fun of dogs a bit. Yes. To win people over. And I'm like, come on, we've all had a dog that's bad. Okay. Yeah, we do. We do have to talk about dog game. People are alarmed and worried. They're fearful of their own dogs. They shouldn't be unless their dogs are a bit cringe. What do you mean unless? Like, are you planning to get rid of dogs? No, absolutely not. This is the same as unfunny people on Jogo.

[00:40:06] As we all know, they are entitled to the same treatment as everyone else. However, if they're being cringe and unfunny, they're going to get told. And all I'm doing is calling it as it is with dogs on the island. You did. We have footage of you. Yeah. Shouting, screaming into a dog's who is cringing face saying, fuck you, dog. That's AI. That's AI. It was created on AI.

[00:40:32] I would never yell at a dog and deliberately make it feel fair. But some dogs are just too much. And then what I would do is release footage of me with, there's a dog my mum's looking after at the moment. She's house sitting for people because they've got horses and they've got a dog called Popcorn. She's at Orange Lab. She's so fun. Yes. When she wags her tail, which is all the time, her whole body wiggles. Oh, yes. That's cute.

[00:41:01] And she isn't too much. She's just enough. And I'd release the footage. I've just, like, this footage is out there for anyone to see. Me giving her a Swedish massage. And she's, like, whacking her tail. Oh, and she's on the ground. Like that, all up and down her body. Diddle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle-doodle. And I'd release that and go, as you can see, I love dogs, but only if they're not being too much. And that would be maybe a whole public campaign thing. Like, don't let your dog be too much. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:41:28] Yeah, but if it is, like, all I'm going to do is call it out. There's no punishment here. I mean, yes. But to be honest, I think that's the perfect answer. Because, you know, people have come onto the side and willingly known that you would call out their shit. Exactly. Exactly. Do you ever have to do that for cats? What? Cats? I've never met a cat I didn't like. Do you want to visit and see our cat? They can get a bit much. No, I think he's all right. No, because my cat, my cat, Freddie Mercury, is a bit much. But it's good because you can just go,

[00:41:58] oh, my God, Freddie, pick him up, put him in his bed, and then sort of put your hand on him to stop him getting back out of the bed and getting right in your face again. For about 15 seconds. And then he's like, I'm good, I see. He's 18 years old, though. So I'm doing that less and less. He's sort of allowed to climb all over me now. Yeah. Fair. Fair enough. Okay. I'll give you a scenario here that is real life. Our youngest cat, Hopper, is about seven or eight, I think. Okay.

[00:42:26] So he sleeps on the bed with us at night. They can do whatever you want. Good guys. So when we're in bed, if we're watching something, and then we go, right, Celine will say, I have work in the morning. I'm going to turn around, go to sleep, do whatever. Right. So the bedside lamp on her side is always the one turned on. So she will turn, turn off the light, and I might decide, I don't have work in the morning. I'm going to watch TV for another half an hour, or I'm going to look at my phone for another few minutes.

[00:42:54] As soon as she turns off the light, Hopper will get up from wherever he is, run up to the front of the bed, paw at me to get in under the bed because he wants to cuddle with me. Like, he sleeps in my arms. And I have no choice in this. So would you think that's too much? That is too much. But if it's a cat doing it, it's like, aw. Yeah. If it's a dog doing it, it's like, right, no, that's ridiculous. I also think dogs' paws, they're less gentle. Yeah.

[00:43:21] They've got, like, big hard nubs. Yeah. Whereas a cat will go, oh, that's just fur, unless they use their claw a little bit. But I'm glad you went for a cat, if you want to. There's a lot of cats on this island, by the way. Really? Jugo has tons of cats wandering free, but they're all friendly. You ever been on holiday somewhere? Like, I did a contract. My first ever contract was several months in Ionapa in 2007. And there were all these just stray cats everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:43:51] But they were so friendly. So I was in heaven, even though loads of them were covered in fleece. Oh, but there's a place in, have you ever been to Rome? No. So we were there years ago and we were like, oh, we should look up, obviously, what we want to do, right? Yeah. And we found one thing that said, oh, this is free. You can go into it. But they think it's where Julius Caesar was stabbed to death and killed. Oh, okay, right. So it's whatever building that is, the whole thing is knocked down. It's only the ruins, right?

[00:44:20] It's in the middle of Rome, right? You just walk down the street, turn the corner, and suddenly it's just this big open area, right? Right. With roads around it. But they said they think this is where Julius Caesar was stabbed and killed and everything else. It's basically a cat sanctuary. Cats are just roaming around the place. I see. Loads of cats there. So we just went in and they have... That's great. I say in the ruins. It's only a few like walls and stuff, do you know?

[00:44:46] But you can go into, they have like a feral cats charity there. So you can go in and then they have their own room for the cats that are too old or they might, you know, they might be blind. Yeah. They need to be kept in there and they come out. So you can go in there and pet all them. So it's lovely. If you ever go to Rome, look for that. I'm going to... It's making... It hadn't been on my list of like must visit and now it is just because of that. That it is. It's quite... And it's free then as well. You can go in and give them money, but... I would.

[00:45:16] Bit of advice. I have the whole money at the... We were there and I was like, we don't have loads of money, right? It was kind of a budget holiday, but I want to give them something, you know, whatever. So I was like, I'm going to give them 20 euro, right? I'm just going to go up to... I'm going to go up to that old woman and I'm going to go, hi there, and slip her 20. Be like, give the cat something nice. I'll feel good about myself. They'll think, God, the Irish are brilliant. You don't want to just put it in the box when no one's watching. No, no, no, no. Hi, I'm from Ireland. The Irish have done this. That type of thing, right?

[00:45:45] So then I went up and went, hi, sorry, how do you do this? Oh, I just wanted to give something. Yeah. For the kittens. And then she went, oh, perfect. Donation start at 30 euro a month. You can sign up. And I was like, right. Sorry. I'm just going to hand you 20. I'm just going to get out of here. I think that's outrageous what she did. It was outrageous. There'll be none of that on Joggo. She didn't say, oh, you can give us 30 a month if you want even.

[00:46:12] It was, you can sign up online to give us 30 euro a month out of your bank account. And I was like, no. I have 20 euro here. No, I'm not going to do that. Yeah. I feel like shit now. But other than that, lovely. Just don't talk to her. You'll be fine. Well, on Joggo, you can just give a little donation. If you've enjoyed your stay, you can go put that there. Here's some money. Here's a donation. It's so nice here. Put that towards whatever you want. The animals, not the dogs, the cats. Not dogs.

[00:46:43] There's no taxpayer money funding dog. Really? On Joggo, no. Oh, yeah. Okay. You're okay with dogs though. Yeah, yeah. They can be there, but you don't have them if you can't afford them. Any other animal that you want to... What? That I'm like treating as a bit lesser. I think guinea pigs are a bad pet. Yeah.

[00:47:11] For the same cringy reason or just pointless? They're just like a... They're like... They're just kind of like an oval that goes... Yeah. You just sit there. And then if you sort of go, ah, they run from you. Even though... I don't think anyone's ever done anything bad to a guinea pig unless they're one of them breeding her to eat them. But no one with a pet guinea pig is like, I'm abusing it. But they all act like, I'm constantly on the verge of being very poorly treated by my owner.

[00:47:41] And they're not though, because they're a guinea pig. Did you ever have a guinea pig? Yeah. Ah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't at home though. It was somewhere where my mum worked. I bought one at a county show. Shout out to the Edebridge and Oxted show, undefeated county show. And I called it Crumble. It had one of those coats that goes in all different directions. Yeah. And we kept it where my mum worked, where my mum rode some horses. And so I would see it every so often.

[00:48:10] It was kind of just rubbish. You could catch her. Yeah. You could like... But you had to like go, I've got you! Like rather than... It wouldn't like just sit there and be like, yeah, pick me up. And once you were holding it, it was like fine. But maybe it wasn't. It just was like that guinea pig finger. It just went, they don't give you any love. Don't fact check this, but I'm going to claim this at least. I think someone told me this before. In Switzerland, if you buy a guinea pig, you have to buy two.

[00:48:42] You can't have one on its own. This one hung out with a rabbit. Oh, yeah, that's lovely. Yeah, this one had a rabbit that it shared with. Yeah, I've seen. But I never used to pick up the rabbit. Rabbits are terrible pets. They literally, they'll like, I'll lacerate you. Watership Down is a documentary. That is how rabbits treat humans and each other. Yeah, no, no. I wouldn't get a rabbit. I do have a knock on the door. Knock, knock, knock. Yeah. Oh, hello. Yes. Who's this? Hello.

[00:49:12] Good, good. Sorry, I'm just running my fourth bath of the day. I'll just turn that off. Oh, that's fine. Would you take four baths a day? It's a bit fucking Greek and Roman. Well, it's a nice bath. It's a nice bath. You wouldn't have it in the middle of the floor of your bathroom, no? Yes. You do? It's a luxury bathroom, but the rest of the house, just normal. Is there a TV on the wall? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's mainly YouTube. Oh, would you just have YouTube? You don't have, yeah. Yeah, casting YouTube to it. Have a bath, watch a bit of YouTube.

[00:49:42] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fun things. Like, in this video, I say, we're going to be looking back on, like, we're going to do a deep dive into the whole of Frasier. And I'll be like, fuck yeah, watch that one, have a bath. It's a tough job being the supreme leader, long. Got to relax, got to relax. Yeah, well, this is your financial advisor, Paul. Oh, okay. Hi. Hello there. Hello. Thanks for coming around. Oh, no, no, no, no problem. I do, I was just checking the finances of your country. Okay.

[00:50:11] And I'm delighted to say there is 100 billion in surplus. Oh, that's great. A lot of people are happy with this. This is good. The naysayers, fuck the haters and naysayers. Do you want some more good news? Well, yeah, I'm a benevolent leader, but I'm a petty one, so I'm chuffed with the victory. Kind of why they love you, because your approval rating has gone up to 92% again. That's great. Okay, and yeah. Everyone's on board with dogs and everything, yeah. Yeah, do you know what they've realised? Dogs aren't great. Yeah, they're fine.

[00:50:42] Not in a civilised society. But there are bad dogs. Yeah. Some, I assume, are good dogs. Sorry. Some very fine dogs on both sides. Dogs on both sides. Thank God. Dogs supported the Nazis. Hitler's dog probably was really nice to him. It probably was. We really didn't say that dogs are pure. Sorry, you wanted to talk about the surplus. Yes, the surplus.

[00:51:11] That's what I was on about. The people of Jago, they are so happy with you at the minute. They requested that we build you something. And I know you're not into the worship of you or anything. Right. It's not built for your benefit, really, is it? It's built for their benefit. It's for them. They want to celebrate you. And you know, what's wrong with that? They're not very creative people. It's kind of them to want to do this. But I'd prefer if they just made a nice YouTube video about me.

[00:51:39] They would just love something to go to and be like, God, isn't she great? Yeah. Thank you. All right. So they're not very creative. Let's be honest. They're not. Right. The people of Jago just are not creative people. They're so worried. It's a shame. It's a shame. They're good. They're good people. But they're not funny. They'll call shit out. That's their idea. We'll get to that. But yeah, they're not creative. So they were wondering, can you come up with an idea maybe of some sort of statue or monument or just something that we can name after you? Sure.

[00:52:08] It's going to be a giant sitting cat. Like an Eiffel Tower? No, it's done in Matt White Rock of a big giant cat that's just sitting upright. And it's going to be made out of stone, is it? Yeah, it's a stone one. And the front, like the cat's chest doubles as a cinema screen on Queen Day. So we just project Queen Live at Wembley 86 onto a cat, a big stone cat. This isn't facing out to the sea, though, is it?

[00:52:38] No, the back of the cat is. So when people arrive on Joggo by boat, they're like, there's the cat. There's the cat. They see the back of the cat. Yeah, they're like, oh, I can't wait to see the front. Like Christ the Redeemer. Yes. Wait, is Christ the Redeemer facing out or facing in? I suppose it depends. Oh, I thought he was like on a little peninsula bit. So you could sail up and see him from the front. Oh, maybe. Yeah. But maybe not. I mean, it'd be weird.

[00:53:07] So we're going to have a cat the Redeemer sort of. Yeah, cat the Redeemer. Cat the Redeemer. Christ the Redeemer. And he's got a cinema screen for a chest. That is going to be massive. Yeah. So he's got a good sound system as well. Bosh. Wait, is the sound system on him or is it just around wherever the... You're going to have to have a park in front of him, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, it'll be around there. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:53:34] And there's a lot of festivals based around Cat the Redeemer. Love it. And festivals, music festivals. I think the music festivals. Just Cat the Redeemer music festival sounds like it is a wild time. Good. Not wild dangerous, but just, you know. People come from all around the planet to come to Cat the Redeemer music festival. Do you know that Christ the Redeemer is 98 feet? Wow. 98 feet. So Cat the Redeemer is going to be 98 feet. Cat the Redeemer. Okay, fine. You'd want a big screen.

[00:54:04] I don't really know how big that is, but it feels big. 30 meters-ish. 100 feet nearly. As tall as a blue whale. Absolutely. We'll say that. There's no fact taken on that fact. That is how big they are. Yeah. Is it? Yeah, yeah. They're 100 feet. Oh. 30 meters. Yeah. It's going to be a wild cat as well, Doc. So you want... You want a screen. Yeah, you've seen cats that are like big beefy boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Beefy lad. Yeah. Yeah. It's a big... Okay, we'll get right on that. Don't you worry.

[00:54:33] No problem at all. Great, thank you. Yeah, so Paul... There's still going to be more money left over, but we'll put on the music festival and it's free. It'll cost about 50 billion, but yeah, we'll make the money back then. I'm sure we have 100 billion. You're fine. Yeah, and we'll televise it and everyone can see it even if they can't be there. You have one band to bring in to headline. Who are you bringing in? Yeah. Mistakes were made and we did hire Nickelback. Oh. Mistakes were made.

[00:55:02] And honestly, when they arrived, they put on a great show. And they have their fans somewhere. They do, exactly. And people were like, I can't believe this. It's fucking Nickelback. And I was going, I'm sorry, mistakes were made, but we were in budget. And then when they actually do it, people go, do you know what? Fair enough. They put on a good show and they did some fun covers and stuff. And the thing is, people will go, oh, Nickelback.

[00:55:29] And then they'll hear something like Hero and they haven't heard it in years. They're all like, oh, I can save us. They like it. You haven't heard it in years. And you're like, that wasn't a bad song, actually. I remember that. That was all right. It was. Exactly. Yeah, it's not bad. Yeah. Do you know, we were talking about how your citizens are uncreative, but they call shit out. Like, you know, OK, I can't think of an example where this is actually OK for real life. But because this is just a stupid podcast, we can get away with it.

[00:55:59] Yeah, sure. You know how every country I think in the world has a stereotype, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Irish love their drink and whatever, right? Right. And they're so friendly and yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the Irish talk nonsense, wherever that came from. Not this podcast. And yeah, and the British love dogs. You know, that's our thing. The Joggo people. What would you're, if you're picking them right, would you give ourselves a stereotype? What are we doing?

[00:56:26] The stereotype is that, oh yeah, have you ever been to Joggo? You know you're there because as soon as you arrive, there's a lot of irony going around. You say there's irony going around. There's a lot of irony in the air. People are being quite ironic all the time. Can you give me an example of one ironic? So I hop off the plane. Well, like, I'm literally called Supreme Leader and a cry laugh emoji and, you know, nicknamed Supreme Leader long. Yeah.

[00:56:55] And so, like, people will arrive and say like, oh, I suppose he's going to piss with rain later. And the people of Joggo will be like, oh yeah, all right then, mate. They're kind of like that. That's their personality. Okay. Okay. Not so much sarcastic, but just a bit like, passive aggressive. Yeah, maybe a bit. But only when it's deserved. Yeah.

[00:57:23] Do they kind of go in for the passive aggressiveness more than confrontation? They do a lot of like, if someone's complaining, they'll do a little thumbs up. Oh. Nothing more. Yeah. And yeah, they don't even talk to them. Okay. Years and years ago, I was in college and I was doing the college radio with two other guys. Right. And we were doing, it was like the lunchtime show. So we were thinking of like, what do we say during this and during this and what do we do?

[00:57:49] And we were like, what we, I may have come up with this, that I was like, you know how countries have stereotypes, right? We should come up with stereotypes for countries that like, like, do you know what the stereotype for Slovenia is? Yeah. Well, like, no. Nobody fucking knows. Right. So like, we should just do this. Right. And again, keep in mind, this is a college radio. Nobody's listening to us at this point. Nobody, nobody's listening to this college radio. But it was like, we'll come up with ones.

[00:58:18] None that are obviously just awful and bigotry. No, no, no. Not actual ones. This wasn't about bigotry. No, this is about good old fashioned fun. Right. But I think one day we said, you know, the Maltese. Maltese have a terrible habit of pausing during a sentence. Fucking typical. Can't get through a story without. That's Malta stuff. Yeah. They just do it for dramatic effect. And then our producer came in and said, can't do that, lads.

[00:58:46] If anyone from Malta is listening, they could be. And they were like, nobody from fucking Ireland is listening. No, yeah. Like, listen, trust us. We just know there's no Maltese people listening. And if they are, are they really going to go, we do. What? What? Yeah. Like, no, it wasn't. I was like, oh, OK. So now I got to do that. So it had to go. Yeah, it had to go. I'm trying to think if I know anyone's Slovenian. I don't think I do. My boyfriend's part Slovak.

[00:59:16] So IMO. All like the Slovakian stereotypes. So Slovaks tend to be nervous little gentlemen. Who? Great kissers. Bitter, but apologetic. No, no, no. He always listens to my podcast appearances. So it's nice to throw something in for him to enjoy. Well, I think he's a great kisser. I'm just leaving at that.

[00:59:46] His art is subjective. There is a knock on your door, though. Knock, knock, knock. Oh, here we go. I'm like, oh, hang on. Turn off the YouTube video and the barf. Oh, yeah. Pause the deep dive into Frasier and come back out. Do you have, is it premium doesn't have adverts? Yeah, I don't have. I've got five years. Because I used to, when lockdown hit, and we're going back now nearly five years, I would do these request streams, Twitch streams.

[01:00:16] People would request songs. I'd do like themes. I'd go, oh, what would you want to hear? And they'd be like, uh, we'd go, I'd go, today is 80s power ballads. And I'd do like two hours. I'd take requests and sing to backing tracks on YouTube. And the adverts were so annoying that I went, oh, I'll just pay for premium whilst lockdown's happening. And now, and it's like five years. I've still got it. It's so good. It's so good, is it? I'm still holding out. I'm still like, how dare they make me pay for this? Don't do it. It's so expensive. Like, it's like more than Netflix. Just have no adverts on your YouTube.

[01:00:46] Just have adverts. Also, I'll never go back. Yeah. Okay, so there is a knock on your door. Knock, knock, knock. Yeah, yeah. Knock, knock. Hello. Hello, it's Paul again. Hello. Hi, Paul. Hi. You seem a little less enthusiastic this time, but that's okay. Well, I was hoping to get to the end of season three of Frasier in this deep dive. Oh, it's taking you a while to get through it, but you're a busy woman. They're approaching it from an intellectual perspective, the commentator on this video. He's very good. Carry on anyway. I just want to let you know, first of all, I'm about to go on holiday.

[01:01:16] I've saved up my holiday hours. I am going to the Maldives. Can't wait. Hopping a skip across the ocean. Yeah. I have a villa booked. Me and my partner, Sebastian, are going. Okay. Someone's doing well. We're going for 12 weeks because I've saved up all last year. And yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right. Fine. I allow this on the island. So I'm just letting you know, the Cat the Redeemer has been built. The park in front of it has been built. Brilliant. It's looking fabulous.

[01:01:44] We have the big, huge 4K cinema screen inside in the chest. Brilliant. Right in the chest. Yeah. Just want to let you know, I went a bit over budget. Not 50, 55 billion. Okay. You know, things happen. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just want to let you know, I was checking the books again. Turns out there was a minus sign in front of it. So we were actually a minus 100 billion. Oh, you're kidding. Now we're minus 155 billion. And we've booked Nickelback. So that's 155 billion plus a tenner. Okay.

[01:02:13] All right. Now, just let you know, my pain is going. And you're going to fuck off on Oregon now? Well, I need to go now for three months. Yeah. Me and Sebastian are going to be late for the airport. The International Monetary Fund are kind of emailing and saying, do you need us to come in and take over on the country for the finances? Anyway, I'm just going to go. No, I don't want this. I don't want them to. Here's their email. I'll be off. So Paul's going to leave. All right. Paul, Paul, come back. Sorry, I can't. Sebastian is kissing my ear. I love him. Paul. We all love Sebastian.

[01:02:43] He's a good guy, but. What? He's very distracting. He's very distracting. You've been making a lot of mistakes on your watch, Paul. And he's already on the seat. Yeah, he's already on the. Yeah. Sebastian is. I'll give you some gossip. Oh, yeah. Sebastian is also making noise at someone else when they're home. That hot mic is on the plane as well. He likes hot mic. There might be a thing there. Oh, Sebastian. Paul doesn't know. Sebastian is behind Paul's back is saying like, well, he won't do the throuple thing. It's annoying.

[01:03:13] Yeah. So I'm just going to go with hot mic. He's worked two men. Okay. Fine. Yeah. He is. He's a good looking boy. Good looking man. Yeah. He makes Pedro Pascal look like shit. Looks like a load of old fucking shit. Yeah. Complete shit. Just like a shit dog. That's what it looks like. Looks like the chewing gum from the playground love video. Just go. All right. But yeah. So now I'm left with this and the IMF wants to come and take over. Yeah. 150 million in debt. Shouldn't have, you shouldn't have built that cat the redeemer. But anyway.

[01:03:43] People love it though. They do love it. They love it. People are so into it. My approval rate is just really good. It's exclusively hanging out in that park the whole time. A lot of people sleeping there at night. All right. That's all right. The weather's nice. Yeah. And it's lit up and it's nice. And you know. It's lit up. Yeah. Love it. Yeah. But yeah. How are you going to make money if you're broke? All right. Any idea? Yeah. So Nickelback of Bean, that was all for free because there weren't enough fans to pay for it. You're taking the tenor back off of him. No, no. I paid him.

[01:04:13] Oh, right. I'll still pay him. I'll still pay him. We need to do Joggo aid. Yes. Joggo's in trouble. People love living there. Brian May is in. Brian May immediately says yes. Yeah. Bobby got love. He loves the attention. Roger Taylor says yes, but rolling his eyes. Yeah. Adam Lambert's in. He can't believe his luck. So there we go. We've got current Queen. Bob Geldof goes. I'll jump in there as Freddie.

[01:04:43] I say, Bob, listen, mate. What you did for Live Aid was great at the time. There we go. But we all know you chose yourselves a real nice time slot for the Boomtown Rats and you did half an hour. And I Don't Like Mondays is a decent song. No more than that. There's always a bit in those Live Aid documentaries where he's like, yeah, the lyric. Because it's got that lyric where it goes, another way to die. Is that the lyric?

[01:05:12] And he went and I held my fist in the air and that had totally different meaning. I was like, that song is about a woman who I think was a teenager who went and tried to shoot up her school. And when she was arrested, they said, why did you do it? And she went, Don't Like Mondays. That's what that song's about. So him then going, and when I held my fist up and said, another way to die, gave it a whole different meaning. And the whole place went insane. And I'm always like, shut up, Bob. Yeah, you're being a bit over the top, Bob. Calm down.

[01:05:42] You're being a bit like, you're being a bit of a dog over this, Bob, if you know what I mean. So I say, all right, Bob. No, it's great. Please. Bob Gildog. Bob Gildog. That would be a good name for a dog. Elon Musk never would come up with that. I'd say, if you wouldn't mind doing an Insta story about this, Bob, that'd be great. But we don't need your help. Yeah. And I'd just go get some of the best band. Bono, probably have him. He seems to have a better sense of humour than back then when he was kind of up his arse, wasn't he? He's all right now.

[01:06:11] He can come and do a set. Nothing from your Spider-Man musical. Thank you, Bono. It's all right. So you're having Jago Aid and you think that'll rake in the money? Jago Aid. Yeah. How much money did Live Aid bring in at the time? I don't know. I feel like it was 100 million or something. I don't think it went into the billions. How much did they raise in today's money? Oh, yeah. Because it's 40 years. Okay. This doesn't seem... Wait. Geld off someone...

[01:06:41] Okay. I know Google is kind of problematic when you're trying to search results now. So I'll keep that in mind. The very first thing said from Wikipedia... Okay. The concert raised over 9 million for American family farmers and became an annual event. However, then underneath it says how much money did they raise in Live Aid? The show's own website estimates that the show's raised 150 million for famine relief. And that's 40 years ago. And that's 40 years... Yeah.

[01:07:11] Like... And I think there's some... I've heard some things about how it's kind of problematic how the money was spent. Yes. And how much Live Aid really helped. But, you know, the idea of Jogo Aid is that we help us get solvent again. Exactly. And it's not like they're expecting you... Okay, you're 150 billion in debt. You need to raise it immediately. Do you know what I mean? As long as you're... We've got time to put on a good concert. Put on a good concert. Get a bit of money in. Like a quick injection of cash.

[01:07:40] And then be like, we'll work out the rest. Don't you worry. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. Streisand. Maybe she'd perform live for the first time in a while. Well... She loves... Because she loves dogs. That can't be problematic. No, but it's all right. I'll give it all. I'll give it yap, yap, yap. Not in the style of a dog. Not in the... Babs, babs. You know how much I love dogs. And then she, like, tells me sometimes dogs are too much. Yeah. And then you're like, no, all right. And then... Yeah. And she's like, don't tell anyone.

[01:08:10] That'll ruin my reputation. I wanted to be... I'll keep it to myself under one condition. Under one... You perform for free. Perform. Yeah. For jog-eye. They all get to stay on the island. They all get to hang out in the infinity pool that does the entire circuit of the... Yes. Would you dot a few villas around the island? That you can stay and walk out into the infinity pool? Into the infinity pool. Yeah. Absolutely. That's pretty cool. Okay. Good handling of an economic crisis. Tricky sitch. Yeah. Okay.

[01:08:39] What seemingly mundane thing is banned in your country? Or like what? Pet peeve? Pet peeve. That might be litter for you actually. Yeah. Yeah. Literally do it. I finally do ban dogs. Oh. Spiders are banned. All spiders. Yeah. I hate them. Really small ones are allowed. Yeah. Yeah. But anything like a daddy long legs. Daddy long legs spiders are all right because they're pathetic mate. But anything bigger than a...

[01:09:07] Daddy long legs spiders are kind of pathetic aren't they? They're just kind of like... Oh I hate them. Like I'm okay with spiders. But I'm a bit like... You don't like a daddy long legs. Oh as in flying daddy long legs. Either or. If they're just sitting there I'm a bit like... I don't mind those. Fuck that. No. In fact I was at a horse show. This is going... I'd be about 14 when I did this. Maybe a bit older. Maybe like 18. Which makes it worse. There was a horse show and it was really hot. And at horse shows they have big marquees up. Yeah.

[01:09:37] Where you can buy your food and stuff. And it was a really hot day. And one side of the tent was just like covered in daddy long legs. Like it was... It would have been your nightmare. Right? And I was walking past and I saw him there. And I went and cut my hands and picked up like a big load of them. And then went to my mum. Hey mum think fast. Oh my god. Threw them at her. I threw a handful of daddy long legs at my mum. Meanwhile if someone did that and she was like... You're horrible.

[01:10:07] But if someone did that with spiders. Like say a house spider. Like that you sometimes get on your wall. I'd be like... What you have just done is unthinkable. Yeah. This is a vendetta for the rest of our lives. I would have them banished from Jogo if they did that. So yeah spiders. Like house spiders are banned. So anyone have a pet tarantula or anything like that? They can have a pet tarantula but don't let it out. Come on. I've never had a problem.

[01:10:36] Like people have got pet tarantulas here in Britain. So and I've never had a problem where like oh there's tarantulas everywhere because someone had a pet one and it got out and bred with a lizard or... Is that how that happens? Is that how it works? I don't know. Listen Kevin. I'm not... I never claimed to be a scientist. If you... When you said there was a wall of daddy long legs. Yeah. Like the side of a...

[01:11:05] Imagine a white marquee and it was just covered in them. Like played all red. My spine shivered. I tried to have to relax but I was like that is terrifying. Yeah I like if you hate them then yeah that's your nightmare. Same as if like someone said oh yeah there's a wall covered in house spiders. I'd be like... Are they called daddy long legs in like the other side of the Atlantic I wonder? Yeah I don't know. In case they're not. In America. Shall I look it up? Let's see. Yeah.

[01:11:35] Just... What are daddy long legs called in America? They're probably called like flumflays. Oh they're bringing up the spiders ones. They're called harvesters. For anyone in America or Canada or anywhere else across the Atlantic who if they're not called daddy long legs just think daddy Nicolas Cage. And then they're fine. A wall of Nicolas Cage. They're called... Oh my god. Do you want to know what they're called? Yeah they are called daddy long legs. They're called freedom bugs. They're also called mosquito hawk.

[01:12:05] Galley nippers. Oh I like galley nippers. And do you want to know what the last thing they're called is? This is what they call them in Maine. Golly whopper. Golly whopper. That's Australian. It's nearly racist. I thought you would have said Australian. The old golly whopper there. You know. Bloody golly whopper. Yeah. Yeah. The more you think about it it could be getting in that direction. But what was the first name? But he's in Maine which is mosquito hawk. No that's terrible. Doesn't even... It doesn't roll off the tongue even.

[01:12:36] But galley nipper. That's what they call them in Texas. That's not bad. I don't mind that. But yeah they do call them daddy long legs. Yeah daddy long legs. Okay so you're getting rid of spiders. No spiders on the island. No spiders. And people are going well what are you going to do about the insects then? Some spiders are allowed but just not fucking house spiders. Yes. Run around like and people go oh they're more scared of you than you are of them. And I'm like well what are they doing in my house if they're so frightened of me?

[01:13:05] I wouldn't be in the house. Get your own house. Yeah go live somewhere else mate. I wouldn't be around one if it was in my house. So they and but they happily like pipe up when I'm just watching telly. Were you sold on the idea that oh if you have cats they're great for getting rid of spiders? Oh yeah. And it's not true. They're useless. Useless. Absolutely useless. But the best they'll do is play with one. Or look at it in my case. They don't even... Yeah yeah.

[01:13:34] Um the I do have a bad question for you. It's a very tough very dangerous question is that there was a coup attempt. Oh god. On your life. Who was it? On my life. On your life. They tried to kill me. Yeah literally tried to kill you. Um they said it's time for our brand of comedy. What they what they actually did was they they were attempting to storm your home while you were taking a bath. They were running in. Their plan was... I don't know where that would be any time.

[01:14:04] Yeah. Um they were running in with um metal pipes and they were gonna shout this is us piping up. And then gonna beat you to that. Oh great eerie. Oh eerie. They worked nine months on that joke. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll be like and yeah it's about up there we've let that sink in. Yeah. They deliver it very poorly as well I can just tell. They all had his mask that his face has a mask. That's that's the um so but good news is they didn't do it obviously you're still here. So.

[01:14:33] They didn't manage it. Hot Mike stepped in and he was like. Hot Mike after coming back. He was sated with Sebastian um and he he stopped them. Thanks Hot Mike. He has the 10 of them in custody. He's wondering what do we do with him. I mean they can't. It's only 10 of them. All right. This reminds me of um the ending of Tomb Raider 2. Do you remember the last you ever played Tomb Raider 2 on the PlayStation? No I can't remember it. The last level is is her house. Yeah.

[01:15:03] And a bunch of people storm it. Like they do remember this. And she's yeah. You basically have to run through her house shooting them all. Um anyway right. That's what it's like. Yeah exactly like that. What have I got to do with them? Are you going to shoot them all? No no no. Oh sorry. We won't take a Tomb Raider approach. Yeah. Oh knock them in the freezer with the with the butler. With yeah I could do that. But you have to backflip over them. Each one you have to backflip. Get out. Press the button. I'm like you don't like that much do you?

[01:15:33] Yeah. And they're like no to be fair we don't. I think I think the approach I'm going to take here is they're all sentenced to five years of um posting. They have to just post on uh I don't know what we're calling it. Joggo book. Oh you're making your own social. Yeah it's not a bad idea. Yeah it's not a bad idea. It becomes very popular worldwide.

[01:15:57] And uh they have to post and everyone is allowed to say exactly what they think of all their posts. But isn't everyone allowed to do that now? Yeah. Yeah. But they're encouraged to now. So they're being made an example of. Okay but. It proves everyone's posting. But like okay so like I'm on Blue Sky a lot now. But I'm not on. Yeah. I'm not you know I'm not on every day like I am when I am. Okay. But then are you saying that. 15 hours a day or anything. Yeah.

[01:16:24] But if I'm on the island of Joggo. And you're telling me. Hey you need to go on to those 10 lads um Joggo book profile. And every time they comment you need to tell them what you think. Well it's really like hey hey citizens of Joggo. We all remember when then those unfunny guys came in with like we're pipe. The pipe ups they call themselves. We're piping up. They had metal pipes. Hot Mike stepped in and they all went oh we weren't we didn't mean enough. Oh it was just a joke. Learn to take a joke.

[01:16:54] Learn to take a joke. They were like that. Well um remember those guys. Well they're probably going to be posting today. So don't be afraid to write. Oh this post stinks and stuff under there. If it but if it's good. Then tell them it's good. I mean a lot of their posts are like photoshops of like someone lying on the ground. But they've just put their the photoshop of Hot Mike's face on them. And then it says Hot Mike drop. And then. Yeah. I'm sorry.

[01:17:24] Like I will tell them. Don't do that. Don't don't then repost your own posts the next day. Because you were like that's weird. No one liked it. Um don't do that. That's not the reason that no one liked it. But do you know what they're also doing? People saw it. They're posting it. They're re-posting it. And saying. Oh people can't handle being pwned. That's why I'm so blocked by people. And in a load of. You know. They're doing that thing where they keep saying. I don't care that people don't like this.

[01:17:53] I don't care that people don't like this. Yeah. And then I will say. Hi. This is Supreme Leader Long. As we all know. They care the most. Yeah. And then everyone's like. Ha ha ha. That's so funny. And then. And then they start pure raging. And I'm like. They keep saying to your. In reply to you. They keep saying. Ratio. And it never works. It's not a ratio. I'm like. That's not what ratio means. No. You. Like. Honestly guys. You still sound like fools.

[01:18:23] And by the end of the five years. Yeah. They become better posters. Just better. Do you think? I think it's going to work. Can we make an agreement? And I don't know you. Can we make a solemn vow. To come back in five years. And let's see. How many of the ten. Well I'm saying. Let's see if the owner of. The dead bird site. Yeah. Is a better poster. Ha ha ha. Right. From being told like. You suck so badly at this.

[01:18:52] Because it's the closest. We'll get now. To this fictional scenario. Is to see if in five years. He will actually be better. I think in five years. He'll be 58. Which seems ridiculous. Um. I think he might just pass away. He might. Which would make him a better poster. Than he is now. I'm going to say God willing. But then I just feel like. The least. Armed guards coming into me. Even though I'm in Ireland. Do you know Josie Long? Comedian Josie Long. Yes. Yes. She tweeted. She literally tweeted. She put on Twitter. She went.

[01:19:21] Hope Elon Musk dies. And uh. They removed the tweet. And she went. Ah. I. Uh. They removed the tweet. Where I said. I hope Elon Musk dies. Did that one stay up. It has as far as I know. I haven't heard that it's gone down. Um. Okay. No. I. I do not have faith in them being a better. Better poster in five years. No. That's true. Last question for you. Okay. With the supreme leader lol. At some point you have to figure out.

[01:19:48] Whether you want to rule the country until. You're deadbed. Or you want to pass it off to someone. Either way you have to figure out who's going to take over when you leave. Sure. The only thing is. When you pick someone. It has to be a real person. It can't be your fictional. Or you know. Imaginary great great granddaughter. Has to be a real person. Has to be a real person. Right. Who would you. Who would you go after. Who would you think would be the best leader for Jago. It's going to be Hot Mike.

[01:20:19] Getting Hot Mike. He's got it all man. He's. He's. He's a wit. He is. He's. He's a decent guy. Yeah. He believes in the ethos of Jago. And. He's a man. So people like him. People automatically like him better. So. It's all good. He has a 99%. Paul is insistent that it should not be Hot Mike. It should be him. Paul's fired. After the fuck up with the numbers.

[01:20:50] But. I just want. If you fire him. He's. Recently his husband left him. Sebastian's gone. Or Hot Mike. Like. Oh right. Well. Come on mate. The writing was on the wall. That's how he found out. They wrote their love on the wall of the villa. Yeah. Yeah. It's spelled out in daddy long legs. Jesus. It's over. That's. That's a bit psychotic. Worst way to be broken up with. That's psychotic. Yeah. Yeah.

[01:21:20] So you're just telling Paul you're fired. Also your. Your ex-lover's new man. Is going to be the leader. He's the leader now. So I wouldn't stay on the island. And Paul's like. Well fuck this. I'm going to move back to Scunthorpe. It's very true. I've never. I've never been to Scunthorpe. But I just find it so funny. I don't. I don't know if it's. It's like. It could be lovely. Bearing in mind that Rome wasn't top of my list of places to visit. Scunthorpe wasn't. Was it? Yeah. But I just find it so funny. The idea of him moving to Scunthorpe. And I've never been there.

[01:21:50] But I assume it's. It's where he came from originally. He never truly. I was like. Paul come on. Never really happy. You've never really. You've always been complaining here in Jogar. I think you just like to complain. You'd be happier in Scunthorpe. I'm like. Fine. I will. When he does go. A lot of those. Traitors. The ones who tried to kill you. They. Make posts saying that he's Scunthorpe. Scunthorpe. Oh shit man. Well.

[01:22:17] I put out a whole statement about how. This was shocking posting. Not. Not one of them deserves a like. And I get really angry with Hot Mike for throwing one of them a pity like. Isn't. Oh that. Yeah. Yeah. You admonished him over that. I can see your likes Hot Mike. And you just like one of those shit fucking posts. Um. From the pipe boys. It's. It's funny how like. Your.

[01:22:47] Your rule of a country. A socialist paradise. Right. Healthcare and all that is dealt with. It's. It's going fine. Lovely fucking weather with an infinity pool around. Nice weather. Good health service. Beautiful island. Good schools and everything. Yeah. It does kind of feel like your entire reign. Is you taking bats. And monitoring social media. Which is like the inverse of this hell. That we're going to be living in now. As the world just becomes. Twitter. I let. I hire people who know what they're doing for the other jobs. They do. They're. You're. You're managing the important thing. Um.

[01:23:17] Okie doke. Yeah. No that is. That's Jago. And that is. Alright. Your lol. Yeah. You know what I think. Suez thank you so much. What. Thank you. I have to ask you is what. Um. How do people. Where do people find you online and what. Oh yeah. I'm mostly posting on Blue Sky now. You can find me on there. Suez. S-O-O-Z. Suez UK dot. B-Sky dot social. Stupid long names. Yeah. That's the only thing about it. You can't just go. It is annoying. But it's just.

[01:23:46] If you look up Suez Kempner on Blue Sky. I think I'm the only one. You can find me there. When's this come out? Do you know? This should be out. I want to say. In the March. In the March. In the March. Third or fourth week of March. Fourth week of March. Oh okay. I mean you can find out what gigs I'm doing. At suzkempner.co.uk. I'll have all my gigs up there. I might be going to the Edinburgh Fringe. I'll certainly know by the end of March. And. What else? Oh yeah.

[01:24:16] I have a podcast called Mystery on the Rocks. Where me. Comedians Chris Stokes. And Masood Myler. Solve. Unsolved true crime. And paranormal mysteries. While drinking cocktails. Yes. And we did this sober. So. Yes. Imagine. Imagine this. Imagine this. Drunk. And I'm a lightweight. Imagine the words coming out of her mouth about dogs. She's had a few tequilas. Really. She's loosened her tongue. And now she's really going after dogs. She's mentioning the breeds she likes least.

[01:24:48] Okay. Yeah. No. Thank you very much Tristan. Everybody. She is. I do have one actually last question. When you leave. Oh. Diago. Or at least the power. I think you might stay on the island right. You're happy there. I like it there. Yeah. Is there any final word of wisdom? Might pop off to Rome. Yeah. Have a nice holiday there first. Yeah. Any words of wisdom you'd give your people before leaving? Public life. Oh I see. Before a hot mic takes over. Yeah. Yeah. Like. Hi guys. Remember.

[01:25:18] Don't yuck. Someone's yum. So. If someone's just mentioned that they really enjoyed a film. Oh. Don't then go. Why did you like that? It's shit. Don't do that. I thought that was sexual to be honest. I thought that was. I didn't understand. Don't yuck someone's yum. No. It's not sexual. It's about like. If someone like. Is like. I am enjoying. Name of TV show. So much. Yes. Even if it's a TV show you hate. Just be like. Good for you. Just enjoy it. That's fine.

[01:25:47] It is actually quite nice to say to someone. Like if someone says. Oh I enjoyed this. And you don't like it. Yeah. To say. Oh. Not. Not in this way. But basically. Oh. What do you enjoy about it? Like what is good thing? Yeah. That's true. Tell me. Because sometimes you can be turned around on it. Yeah. Alright. Bye everyone. Bye. Yeah. We're done. Bye.