Tyrant In Training Episode 38 Shazia Mirza, Empress Shazia of Shazzle-Dazzle

[00:00:03] Okay, hello everyone. Hello, I'm sorry. I was yeah, um I very bad news. I very very Troubling news and does it breaking news? Special report news heart of thing. I have man flu

[00:00:19] I'm sorry. I'm going to fight it. I'm a fighter at the end of day. You're getting through it I'm getting through it. Thank you. You've been sick as well. I have you had woman food. That's nothing Yeah, nobody cares about woman I have a cold Yeah

[00:00:35] True story. Do you remember years ago that I was I was legitimately very sick like I was very very sick Yeah, the worst I've ever been and then we went to the doctor when I went to doctor

[00:00:46] You came with me for some reason. Okay. Yeah, I can't remember why I feel like you didn't yeah I went into the doctor's office told her I was very sick told her had man flu

[00:00:54] She wanted to me go to the hospital, but I said no I'm a fighter and then she gave me a six-hurt And I came out of there because you were like oh, it's probably just a flu and I came out are gone

[00:01:05] It's not the flu look. It's this No, no, it's like I don't know hyperglossary Disease or something like this. I don't know and I was like see it's an actual disease I'm fighting and you're like, yeah, no, that's just a medical term for a flu

[00:01:22] This is so serious Yeah, I Anyway, I'm fine. This is the Tarleton training podcast and I'm Kevin Ryan. I am I'm a fighter I'm a sick boy All right What do we do on the podcast again delirium might set in any minute

[00:01:43] What you do is you talk to people and you tell them they rule in their own island their own land and you ask some questions about that You know Why am I doing that? What started this Yeah, I don't know Anyway, who cares Will you make me dinner?

[00:02:07] Yes Anyway, yes this episode was done back in my healthy days remember when I was healthy side note to all the listeners apologies because Obviously you sound like I think I've coughed there Which isn't isn't a pleasant listening don't worry. Yeah, you're fine. You're absolutely fine Yeah

[00:02:27] Back in my do you remember me in my healthy days? Yeah, I was young and very right two days ago. Yeah Three days ago. I had a little bit of a tickling my throat two days ago I went to the shop for that. Yeah, I

[00:02:40] Interviewed I interviewed the next guest. Yes, so you get to hear me sound Healthy Yes, sorry there was a pause there I interviewed Someone you may know she's been on what I like to and server team master chef chef chef And oh the one with Bear Grills

[00:03:06] Yes, yes, she's been in Edinburgh fringe festival And her name is I know I am doing this like a big Go on Yes, I'd lovely chance with which has yeah, and I will show you some out of context quotes before I caps off the bed Oh

[00:03:38] You're a tramp There's no point in being in that position and not really living it up These days he's so many women say oh you're a goddess I just don't hang around being pretty

[00:03:53] It's no use being an impressive you're gonna turn up in your prime art jogging bottoms Because that's the problem with democracy is that everybody is allowed to have an opinion and some people should Not be allowed

[00:04:06] Because I feel like a lot of criminals are actually trying to help people You know depending on the severity of the crime. I would ask them to go and maybe foster a child Everyone always dies

[00:04:20] There you go. Um, she makes a good point about democracy. She does and it's weird because a lot of those things is what I was rambling Sorry I can't I'm here struggling for survival

[00:04:38] Any day the man through I'm googling how many people get taken by the man through Okay My last wish is for people to listen to this episode dramatic. I'm not being dramatic man flu is real And where can we follow me on Spotify?

[00:04:59] Instagram at kev ryan person well done On Twitter at kev ryan person I believe maybe no no that's time to turn training time training. Yeah, yes Treads kev ryan person on threads. Yeah, that's another one

[00:05:14] Blues guy blue sky kev ryan person. Yeah, you won't let me follow you on blue sky. Really? Oh, okay, you have to get like invited to or something. Yeah, I'm not Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, yes, please listen and yeah Remember me as I once was Thank you Bye

[00:05:40] If you were given the chance to rule say Britain or anywhere, would you be like fine? I'll do it if the people came to you or would you be like no not interested if people wanted me to do it I would do it. Would you do it begrudgingly?

[00:06:01] No, if people wanted me I would happily do it like with Trump the people want him He is egged on by the people. Yeah, just think I mean they're saying I want to be president

[00:06:13] The people want him and he would happily make money any way he can it's just that they also are like They love it. Yeah, they adore him. But do you think he heard it? Well, he does adore them in a way of like the you know

[00:06:28] Narcissist adores right do you think if you were to run your run out your own country down? What would your official title be? Well, I would want you know my my name to be you know, I'm the ruler. I'd like to be called Empress Shazia and press Shazia

[00:06:49] Yeah Would you so are people going to call it like when someone walks in and says hello to you do they say Hello, Empress Shazia. Are they gonna say like your highness or your? Yeah Empress I love it that they used to be emperors and emperesses

[00:07:05] Back in the day and it sounds so grand and majestic I want to be I'd love to be an Empress and have all big gold cloak and a big big Headdress like Elizabeth Taylor and I really want to be like an Empress

[00:07:21] So you want you're going full on royalty like you are really going to be pumped in ceremony Oh, I love to there's no point in being in that position and not really living it up

[00:07:33] Yeah, yeah, you have enough you know of hardship with ruling you might as well go for that's actually good as well Because some people come on and they're just like no no just call me Jim and just you know

[00:07:43] No, no go for it if you're gonna go for that role you've got to really live it and I suggest something I just want to make sure as my role in this is just an advisor

[00:07:52] Obviously you can tell me shut up and go on up the way I just your decision is fine But Queen is too low down Empress is good fit I do the only thing I can think of beyond that is goddess

[00:08:02] You don't want goddess Shazia, no that's because then you're setting because an Empress feels like I'm in a role If you're a goddess like these days he's so many women say oh, you're a goddess

[00:08:15] You're so amazing. You're a goddess and that could be anything that could be like a mermaid that could be like Oh, you're you know, you're a supermodel. You're a goddess. Yeah, you're a goddess It's like what does that mean like I'm

[00:08:30] As an Empress I'm a ruler. Yeah. Yeah show some respect. I have an actual job role not just I just don't hang around being pretty. Yeah. Yeah, no you're being salute. Okay, so Empress Shazia Perfect, you're going full on gold robe like it's not heavy is it?

[00:08:49] I remember I seen pictures of Elizabeth Taylor and I think she was in Cleopatra and She looked an Empress. She had beautiful. She had an amazing big headdress She had lovely black eyeliner and real jewels coming down here. I'm like well, I would love that

[00:09:09] So do you're gonna get that sort of attire on you full on Elizabeth Taylor in It's no use being an Empress if you're gonna turn up in your Primark jogging bottoms What's the point of that that anybody can do that?

[00:09:23] Yeah, they should know if you they should see you from a hundred yards away 200 years Empress or you're a tram You're one or the other right by that's a good point By the way, if someone if you heard someone calling, you know the Empress Shazia a tramp

[00:09:37] What happens to them are they in jail or somebody calls me a tram? They will they will get punished and they will get there will be a law where it's called Insighting inciting hatred We have all inciting racial hatred. This will be inciting hatred

[00:09:55] You're inciting hatred towards the Empress you will be fined and you will be punished. Oh, how are we doing to punish? Okay, the fine will take out a bit of money straight to jail or we You know no

[00:10:07] There's no point putting people in jail for things like that. They really have to learn their lesson so what I will make them do is

[00:10:13] I'll get them to do useful stuff like I'd get them to go and work in a food bank or I would get them to Clean the streets or I'd get them to go and help an old lady with her shopping one day a week

[00:10:27] Or I'd get I'd get them to You know depending on the severity of the crime I would ask them to go and maybe foster a child and look after a child under supervision So if me and Celine, I'll just say that we're living there and we decide luck

[00:10:43] We can't have kids. We've been trying for years I can run up to you and say hey tramp and then I get a free baby. Well, everybody likes babies, don't they? They don't often get babies Normally the kids that are unwanted are actually a bit older

[00:10:59] So they're in their teenage years and they're difficult People don't want them because they're not cute anymore So I would make sure you go and look after one of those children So I get a 13 year old who as Fiona says no future

[00:11:12] They're not very bright and just not very charming just a bit of a miserable kid. Yeah, but you know You don't have to do the job. Yeah, that might be good idea. That's that's very the best answer for that

[00:11:22] Yeah, yeah, okay. Okay, we can go down and British as what I do is We're not gonna take over a country for you to road just we won't go that direction We'll set up a country for you. Okay, we'll put land somewhere and I'll be great

[00:11:34] Where do you think you would want to put your island? And I have a handy little map where would I want to put my island? Yeah, if you're gonna we'll say 10 million people would fit on this island if that's okay with you

[00:11:47] Just as a population, but if there's anywhere in the world and put it in your Well, obviously, I don't want to go to a place. That's already overpopulated So a lot of the small islands like Ireland England they're already overpopulated because they don't they for the

[00:12:06] Density per square meter. There's a lot of people For that space so I would go somewhere like Sweden where they have a very small population But a very large landmass So they've got a population of maybe seven million in the entire country

[00:12:24] But God the land is so vast. It's a very actually big country from one end to the other So I would go somewhere for environmental reasons Where you've got a large amount of land, but a very small population

[00:12:39] Well, what we can do is we can like build the island So we'll just form a new island But if you wanted to put it somewhere near Sweden or Finland we could put it in between them in that little

[00:12:49] Yeah, there's a bit of a space between Sweden and Finland. We can go there because I also find that these Nordic countries They're quite, you know, they're quite open-minded They're quite relaxed. They're quite intelligent educated. They all speak very good English So I'd want to be amongst them

[00:13:10] They're always the Nordic countries are always near the top of the list of like happiest nations as well So yeah apart from Norway, which has the highest suicide rate that that is because they hardly have any light

[00:13:22] It's dark for most of the year. I'm heading over there in like three days. I'm gonna have a lovely time I am doing fine Are you doing some gigs there? No, I'm just I'm gonna visit friends. I've been over there twice last year

[00:13:37] It's very expensive Norway Ireland is quite expensive. So Yeah, I had a friend who went skiing in Norway once and it was minus 26 And I said, oh my god, she went skiing and he said yeah, I was boiling hot

[00:13:53] I said why he said because I was on the slopes in my ski stuff and I was skiing all the time So I was quite hot, but it was minus 26. I Think I know it's it's something like minus eight over there now

[00:14:07] I'm very excited because at least there be like snow But besides yeah, no, I my mental health has improved immeasurably since I've gone over there So Yeah, no, it's great time over there. Yeah, don't know why I have a dig at the Norwegians

[00:14:22] But yeah, okay, so you have your new island right and Pristasia You have to give it a name any ideas for a name. Do you want to name that yourself? Um, I would like to call it the chasel dazzle. Okay. That's very good

[00:14:34] I was going I was going to offer if there was a struggle a mursaka, but Chasel dazzle is much better. Well, it sounds fun. I mean I was gonna say Merza on the dance floor that sounds like a scandal more than

[00:14:49] But dial dial m for merza. Yeah, if they yeah chasel dazzle So if you pick the tree of them then the chasel dazzle is more of a country name It's a really lovely. It sounds like it's gonna be fun. Yeah. Okay. Okay chasel dazzle

[00:15:04] That's that's very good. Okay. Um, we're gonna have to get a bit of lore into this island, right? Um, just you know how you found it every time I presume you want your people to idolize you

[00:15:13] And think you're the greatest right? How are we going to tell people you found this island or how did you become the ruler? What I'm gonna say is It's like in a way That's like saying How did god how did god?

[00:15:26] Arrive as in we're gonna keep it mysterious like we all know about prophets and things but How How did god arrive so when people say how did empress shazia become the ruler empress shazia has always been there

[00:15:40] You you are you're not a goddess, but you are but you're not but you are believing in the unseen That's what I'm about Right. Okay. You're you're kind of getting to mezianic. Is that it? Um believing in the unseen I'm the knower of all things

[00:15:58] And nobody kind of questions. They just have blind faith in me Yeah, that one person who once called you a tribe then had to look after jim the 13 year old That was one person and after that it was just yeah godlike figure. Okay. Um Very good. Um

[00:16:14] Speak since you're going to be an empress, um What type of house do you want to live in do you want to live in the city or where do you want to live or what type of house? I want to live amongst the people. I want to be

[00:16:26] An empress of the people. I want to be like the people's empress Like princess diana was the people's princess. I am going to be the people's empress So I will live amongst the people I will go and shake the hands and kiss the sip and help the poor

[00:16:44] I'm going to be right on the level of the people And these sick have consented to the kissing and the shaking hands, right? People want that from me Yeah, like when diana went around and shook the hands of aids patients how people connected with her

[00:16:58] Well, that's going to be me. So you're going to live in a block of flats with a lot of other people Yeah, do you think the the big fancy gold dress is going to just kind of get in the way? Is it is a nice, um

[00:17:10] No, I feel like I am the empress but i'm also amongst the people. Okay. So you are a little bit. Okay. Yeah, we can we can put you in a

[00:17:19] Uh, uh, are they called? Uh, yeah a block of flats. Yeah, why not? Uh, do you want a throne room? Do you want like a seat of power and and people have to come in and talk to you?

[00:17:29] Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, do you want a throne like the one in game of thrones like made of a lot of swords or Like how one like queen elizabeth had that is that is that just a wooden that's still there, isn't it? Yeah

[00:17:44] But I think it's a look it's a big throne. It's got velvet. It's purple velvet seat really high up um And then it's got and then I'll be sitting there with like a A spear It's all velvet ground. Yeah

[00:18:00] Why are you holding a spear because that's what queens and empresses do they always have? Yeah A silver spear like as in a two-handed big spear. You're just holding as you No, no, just it's like a metal pole. Oh, you're you're not holding with two hands

[00:18:17] You just have a beside you. All right. Is that not a bit threatening though if I walk insane. Hey, I'm I'm I'm sick I'd love a handshake and then you're holding a spear

[00:18:24] Bit bit threatening even though I'm with the people on on their level. They always have to know whose box So a little bit of a threat every now and again is fine Just just they know their their role their position in life. Okay. Um Oh

[00:18:39] In your in your country shazel dazzle, how would you like the government setup? So like I'll give you two choices I usually give people is that would you like to just have no elections and there's just an inner council

[00:18:51] So you can select 10 people who run the everyday kind of boring part of government or would you like? People to elect like a senate of 100 people so they can elect people But you have ultimate say everybody will have a say

[00:19:05] So they can elect. I'm just going to say a hundred senators. I don't know if that's okay Now what if they all turn out to be? 100 Donald Trumps Well, the thing is I will always let the people have their say whether I think it's right or wrong

[00:19:20] Okay, so then if all of the senators who are awful are Saying we want to change name their country to uh Trump's or us. Yeah, you're like absolutely. Are you just saying no you can't do that? I would say

[00:19:35] I don't like this, but if this is what you want, I'm going to let you have it Oh, right. So you you're happy to let them make all the decisions really. Yeah, okay

[00:19:44] We are deciding we do not want her to have the spear anymore or that's wrong. We don't like us We don't like the clothes she should be wearing Baggy jeans they won't do that you see because they're punished People adore me and they love me

[00:20:01] Right or else so if they don't love you there Will we remove them? No The thing is because I'm so fair People will always love me and they don't have a choice in the matter

[00:20:15] Okay, grand they don't have a choice in how they have emotions grand because that's the problem with democracy Is that everybody is allowed to have an opinion and some people should not be allowed

[00:20:26] And dare the ones we're not letting into the country. Yeah grand grand. That's how I like democracy Shazel dazzle right i'm curious What unusual list would shazel dazzle be top of?

[00:20:38] I would be on the top of the list of one of the best people to reverse park into a small space So your country has is top of the list for best people who can reverse park speedy and accurate

[00:20:52] Why why is that such a big thing? Why is that your first go to because A lot of people think women can't do it but They can and they can do it really well. So is it kind of known like oh, it's really good

[00:21:03] But particularly the women and shazel dazzle. Okay. Um What a what a Okay, fair enough. Um, I don't know even how to google to find out who is actually top of that list I have a bit of bad news for you at a certain point one of your

[00:21:18] Advisors is going to come to and say look um empress shazel everyone everyone loves you as you know And i like you but there is a scandal about to come out involving you I don't know how this question works, but you get to pick what scandal it is

[00:21:30] So if there was a scandal to be released, what would it be? The scandal would be Um That I was money laundering. I'd set up an ale shop to Lawn to money Which was coming in from the dealings of cocaine. So you and what were you okay?

[00:21:49] So what would what shop did you set up an ale shop? Nail I said ale it's like a like an old tiny tavern Um, right right nailed shop. So you're just drug smuggling essentially. I'm helping people

[00:22:03] Okay. Yeah, no, I think what your advisor says look um ale gate wrongly wrongly called instead of nail gate That's that's kind of been a big thing here in shazel dazzle

[00:22:13] Your approval rating has gone down from 99 to 94 so that's a bit of a disaster for us. Um, we think you do Remember that movie and uh frost versus nixon the series of interviews. Oh, yeah We think empress shazia should do that essentially you should go on to the

[00:22:32] The highest rated news program in the country and have a sit down with anderson the best Interviewer and explain yourself. You know what happened. Would you be up for that? I'd love it

[00:22:42] So as um anderson would probably come back from be rake going um, thanks very much. Welcome back to the show Thank you very much. Um empress shazia for joining us for this talk on the economy and everything else We do have to get to nail gate

[00:22:54] And what's happened? Um I think people want to know probably the most important question is uh, why why what? Sorry, why Why did you funnel money into your nail shop? Which is actually being Was a small cream for your okay in business apparently

[00:23:12] Well, I feel that you know a lot of people um, they misunderstand Scandal because I feel like a lot of criminals are actually trying to help people They're not trying to make their life a misery Ruin their life. They're actually trying to help them and by

[00:23:34] Laundering money through my nail salon I have actually been trying to help people I've made you know nail extensions are very accessible to poorer girls Right And so, you know I feel like i'm helping those young girls Giving them confidence, you know

[00:23:55] They've been giving them cocaine as well And the thing with the cocaine is you know a lot of people They need to escape their life. They have miserable lives And a hit of cocaine is a bit of a skepticism for them

[00:24:12] So why are people so miserable on chasel dazzle that they need a hit of cocaine every every day? Well because of people go through a lot of things these days, you know, a lot of young girls and boys they have

[00:24:24] You know, um, they have a lot of mental health problems because of social media Fresh oil, you know, so I feel you know, I'm helping them your habit

[00:24:36] So so you plan to continue to give the I don't know how you're but the young boys and girls of chasel dazzle Hit of cocaine for a steep price. That's your I think you misunderstood me. My intentions are very pure

[00:24:51] Right and you are holding the spear while you're saying this, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, absolutely. You're very pure Um, do you plan on introducing any other drugs or is it just cocaine? Well, the thing is with cocaine is

[00:25:03] It's also, you know, like it's a it's it numbs you So it's a pain killer. It um helps you Be confident in yourself Um, there's a many a lot of positive aspects to cocaine

[00:25:19] Which are overlooked in day-to-day life and I really focus on you know, the positive aspects So Out of this interview, you just want to say cocaine as far as the kids You know now you can get weed for medicinal purposes. Yes. Yes I

[00:25:37] My cocaine is I don't see it as a drug. I see it for medicinal purposes So you're making it legal. I assume is that that's what we're going with? It's for medicinal purposes. There's always a science behind this. Yeah. Oh, okay

[00:25:53] So your scandal started out with oh, I'm money laundering but you got around it by just making cocaine legal for medicinal purposes Correct. Oh, yeah, there you go. Okay. Yeah, that was good interview. Yeah, all right

[00:26:03] Anderson is gonna go to another break but they mentioned that there's going to be a Documentary about you. Um, that's that's about to be made. I'm just wondering we can We can throw in any any

[00:26:15] Fabulous fact about you into this documentary like um, or it was like Kim Jong-il Uh went around a round of golf and hit a hole in one in every hole stuff like that. Um, I don't know

[00:26:25] Putin wrestled a bear whatever do you want us to what what fact you want us to say about you in this documentary? Well in this documentary I want people to focus on the fact that I'm really here to change the world

[00:26:39] I really want to help people. I really want to leave my mark on the world and That this world is just a little bit of a test for how we treat people But that hopefully we will all meet again in the afterlife

[00:26:53] So your documentary is going to say that you're helping people now to prepare them for the afterlife Correct. Yeah, grand right. That's not Yeah, that's that's very good. Um I do oh you said about cocaine being legal now

[00:27:09] Um for medicinal purposes. I'm putting in that is there anything Unusual that you would ban in your country just unusual as in I don't know something that isn't usually illegal in countries That's usually illegal and you'd want me to ban it

[00:27:23] Oh, sorry. Yeah, something that's usually legal in other countries that you would decide no, it's banned in In shazel I would definitely ban parking attendants because parking attendants They ruin people's lives. They ruin people's days. They make people go bankrupt And they are just really

[00:27:44] Nasty people all of them. So I would definitely ban them Sorry, I'm going to be a bit stupid here parking attendants Are they the ones who like if you park the side road they come along and say

[00:27:55] Oh, you don't have a disc. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh shazia. Did you get a parking ticket recently? For reversing into a car I've had a lot in my time Right It's not good. So you're banning wait, you're banning parking attendants just

[00:28:11] Anyone tries to come in the country who's a parking attendant? You're straight out. She evicted. Yeah. Yeah All right. Yeah, what if someone if your chief of police ever tells you someone was Illegally giving out parking tickets. What would happen then we've caught them

[00:28:27] I would make them eat the parking tickets that they're giving out Okay, it's just a piece of paper. It's not going to be that Yeah, but if they've been out there all day giving people a lot of tickets, that's a lot of paper

[00:28:40] That's that is a lot of paper. Okay. Yeah. All right Thank god they don't do it. Um Online through an email and eat a computer. By the way, I'm just wondering do you have a favorite movie? Oh, I have loads our favorite film franchise a favorite movie

[00:28:55] Frankie and Johnny with al Pacino and um al Pacino and Michelle Pfeiffer. Okay. Um, is it Michelle Pfeiffer? Yeah, um al Pacino. I love anything with al Pacino. Oh, um His favorite his most famous movie scarface bloody brilliant loved scarface. Yeah, I also loved, you know, Shirley Valentine

[00:29:16] right educates in Rita. Willy Russell was the writer there and um fabulous roles and depictions of women. Okay. I'm just curious that might come up later. Um, Oh when it's your birthday Empress Chasia what um, if the people really want to plan a celebration for you

[00:29:35] What should they organize in your honor? What would you like them to do on your birthday? Um, I think for my honor lots of cake. I love cake. Um, so lots of different types of cake

[00:29:47] And um, that's it really so they just have to eat cake all day. It's just it's like pancake Tuesday. It's Cake birthday. Yeah, we can call it um, merry, merry day. Merry, merry. Oh, yeah, it's a deputy type of cake

[00:30:02] Yeah, they just have to go for that is that your favorite one? Yeah. All right fair enough I'm just sending you that now for this for doing this your who is the company that so

[00:30:11] Scarface which I have not seen in such a long time. So this could go very badly. Um Universal pictures was distributed by They would come to you to you Empress Chasia and ask you look we want to do a

[00:30:25] sequel to Scarface. Um, you want to do it on your island? We would like you to have a small cameo in it whether you play yourself or just a character in it. Um, would you be up for that? Oh, yeah, yeah

[00:30:38] I've absolutely no idea where I have not seen this since I was a little little boy. Um Yeah, so would you have any idea what type of role you'd like to play in Scarface to the search for scar? I want to play a superhero in Scarface to yeah

[00:30:52] Oh, okay. I knew okay. You're right. What um, what type of superhero? I want to play a superhero Where I come to assist al Pacino Is al Pacino dead in Scarface? No, does he die in Scarface in the end? Okay Everybody dies in the end

[00:31:11] Any al Pacino movie. Yeah everyone always dies, you know, either they get shot or they shoot themselves That is inevitable. It's an al Pacino movie But with me as the superhero What I do is before everybody dies. I actually make the world a better place

[00:31:30] Okay, so in the sequel which happens after he's dead in the first movie There's a scene. I think we're planning where we're in the morgue with um with al Pacino's body But we're bringing him back to life somehow and we're like, what would your superhero name be?

[00:31:44] Um, it would be called uh, shazi wazi Shazi wazi. Yeah, we might just do this scene and see how this this scene works Um, I guess I'd be the what do they call the corner in the in the morgue

[00:31:56] Um, just saying uh shazi wazi. Thank you for thank you for coming in We're bringing al Pacino back to life. We can rebuild them. We can make them stronger Um, we need your help. Can can you help? Actually, I don't even know what the superpowers you have

[00:32:09] I'd be able to kill people by just looking at them Right So with these al Pacino movies everyone's always getting shot or stabbed and there's a lot of blood But with me, I just have to look at them and they die So we're bringing al Pacino back

[00:32:25] Life, but he doesn't have a gun So we need you to go around killing people for him by just looking at them Al Pacino would love it. It's called environmentally friendly murder Oh, e fm. Yeah, environmentally friendly murder. Okay shazi wazi

[00:32:41] So would you do you have to do anything with besides looking at them? Because you know the way like professor x has to put two fingers up to his side of his head to say he's using power I just walk in

[00:32:50] Yeah, make some direct eye contact and then how does the person collapse the person just claps or does he explode or That's it. We're done. Oh I know. Um, okay. This this I don't know how to do an al Pacino accent So I'm not going to attempt

[00:33:05] Do you think your character would die at the end of that movie because you said everyone dies? Yeah, everyone dies Including shazi wazi It's like life everyone dies Do you including shazi wazi? Yeah

[00:33:17] Oh, how are you going to bow out? How are you dying? Do you look at yourself in the mirror? Um, no, what happens is I transcend myself. What does that mean? My soul just leaves the body. All right. Were you in Norway at the time? What's what happened?

[00:33:31] Why did you why did that happen to you? That's what happens Um, because my spirit leaves it goes to a higher plane and it goes to a new life in the afterlife Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah, you just fade out of existence. That's right fair enough fade to black

[00:33:46] And it just fades to black. Yeah. Okay. We have uh, we have your advisor says does good news for you Paul is the Finance guy in your government. He comes into your into your office or wherever you are. Uh, he knocks on your door knock knock Uh, hello

[00:34:03] Hi No, hi. Hi. I'm press jazzy. You could be a bit more a bit more uh jolly there to see your old friend Paul But Paul says uh, hi, I'm paul I'm going away on holiday in a couple of minutes, but just before I go away. Um, I

[00:34:17] Have good news for you. I'm after checking the accounts and we have like 500 billion surplus in the country. We are loaded the people would like to build you a monument or something

[00:34:29] Right, what would you like people to build you? We have so much money. We can spend whatever we want I would like somebody to build a massive steam room and sauna how massive now like size of the pyramids Size of Buckingham Palace Jesus, okay

[00:34:46] It's a sauna steam room How many people are you going to fit in there? Is that just for you? It's just for me Just for you. Is that not very fair to walk? No, if you have to refill the coals or whatever you do

[00:34:58] Well, somebody will be doing that for me. Oh, you'll have someone in there. Okay, and So which would you prefer to stop? So which do you go into first?

[00:35:06] And isn't there like a you have to go into the sauna first and then the steam room or did we around You can do any way you like. Yeah, fair enough. I thought yeah, okay Um, so we are going to put like this is going to be solid

[00:35:16] I don't know what you build out of solid brick house or room The Shazia sauna palace. There we get right on that. Okay There is a little bit of a problem one of your um people come back to you to say look all of those senators

[00:35:31] Uh, they were actually plotting to to effectively get rid of you Uh to boot you out of the country. We've stopped them. We have them locked up right now What do you want us to do with the people who just tried to kill you?

[00:35:43] Well, the people that have just tried to kill me I want you to feed them cake To death to death. Are we giving them good cake or bad cake? This is just cake just feed it and feed it and feed it till they blow up and die

[00:36:00] Jesus, okay. Why okay, okay. Um, and I hate to tell you half of them were parking attendants as well So they were they were hidden. Yeah, um, they've actually put

[00:36:11] Uh tickets on your car. Are you driving by the way around the place or do you have a driver? No, I've got a driver. You've got a driver. Yeah, fair enough. Do you it's all environmentally friendly? Oh, so it's yeah

[00:36:23] It's uh, now tesla watch call us ditter ditter types. Um, I don't know tesla. I'm thinking of right Yeah I do uh paul is going to knock on your door again Knock knock, you know and say hi. I'm bristasia. It's paul again. Hi

[00:36:38] Hi there. Um, listen just before I get on the plane. I just had a quick double check on that um on that uh account With all the money in it turns out. I forgot there was a minus sign in front of um the 500 billion so

[00:36:51] Shazzle dazzle is actually in debt heavily in debt. It's minus 500 billion. Um and building that big sauna steam palace is um Put us more in debt the i m f the international monetary fund is saying look

[00:37:06] You need to figure out a way to come up with money fast. Anyway, I'm off paul is leaving I'm gonna haul this. Thanks very much. Bye and he leaves. So um How are you gonna come up with money for the country? I will come up with money

[00:37:20] Well, I'm gonna have a little man Who works in a factory who manufactures money? And that money is we won't need to ask anybody for it We'll just that he will just manufacture the money like a bit like mugabi. He'll just be printing money I feel like

[00:37:42] Is that not something countries have done in the past to disastrous effects where they just keep printing money and it makes it all useless But you're going that route your steam rolling towards Hyper inflating that way. You don't have to ask anybody for anything

[00:37:55] Right, and that's that's always working for that Is that hyper inflation or something like that where you just keep printing money and it makes all of us I your advisors are going to ask you

[00:38:05] Um, just quick question as well because of that coup attempt people are a bit worried could Do you have any ideas of a photo op? That we could do for you to make it look like, you know, you're in charge of the country

[00:38:16] You're you're you're just fine to make it look like i'm leading this country Yeah, just to admit so people know that you're in charge Well, apart from the way that I dress Um, one of my other superpowers is that I could just fly around

[00:38:31] So we're going to stage that you have superpowers flying through the air. That's correct Okay, so we'll just film you flying down the street is it or do you want to do like spider-man with with webs? No, i'm superman full on flying fair enough. Yeah, we can go

[00:38:46] Yeah, um, do you want to carry the spear while you're flying? Yeah, of course the spear comes with me everywhere everywhere Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. I do have a last question at certain at some point

[00:38:57] I don't know whether you're fading out into transcending to another plane of existence or you're just retiring But at some point you're gonna have to think about what who's going to be your heir Who's going to take over when you

[00:39:08] When you give up the role any ideas and it has to be someone who is Currently in existence. It can't be a hypothetical great great grandson. I'd love it to be Joan Collins Joan Collins why why do you would do you think she'd be up for?

[00:39:22] Oh, I think she'd be all right. No, she'd probably do it, right? Yeah, she'd love it dude So if you are well, I suppose you're not in the palace. You're just in

[00:39:33] You're only the block of you're living in apartment 167 the block of flats in in the city of chasel dazzle Yeah, how are you going to announce it? What are you like if everyone comes to your door and you open it saying look i'm giving up the role

[00:39:47] How are you announcing Joan Collins? I will announce it on tv on my own channel, which I have. Oh, do you have your own channel? Yeah What's that? What's playing on your channel 24 hours there? On 24 hours a day. It's what i'm up to and what i'm doing

[00:40:04] And what how the ways in which i'm helping the world. By the way, do you know Joan Collins is 90? Yes, I do right. I mean not uh, I'm not I hate to But like she's she's getting on in years amazing though. Do you still out at the bar?

[00:40:20] Oh, yeah, so you're like listen, she is I mean America's not too far behind but the choices of leaders they're they're pushing nowadays So she's better than any of them. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, do you think she yeah?

[00:40:30] And would you ask her or would you just bring her over and say look got no shit? Oh, no, no I'll say Joan this is what you're doing next. Do you're 90? This is my plan for your future. Yeah, this is

[00:40:43] You're as wise any and we can get her flying through the street as well. We can put her on on pulleys Is wrong beside you. He would love it. She'd love it. Yeah, you you reckon to be good good friends

[00:40:53] Would you stay in the country after she takes over or are you gonna? I'd love to yeah, you're gonna stay in the same house Yeah Yeah, did you play wait a minute is this just gonna end up with you and Joan Collins living in a flat together?

[00:41:05] Who knows who knows okay? Okay. Yeah, that's her She's such a weird but kind of nice ending to the whole rule of of chasal Okay, Shazia. Thank you very much for Empress. Thank you. Thank you very very much for that

[00:41:20] Do you have where can people find you online or what are you up to? They can find me online on Instagram. I'm on The Shazia Merza I'm also I don't really do Twitter. I do Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, you know or

[00:41:38] You know just on TV or all over the TV and all over the world Yeah, you're on Google. Just Google And you should be there aren't many Shazia nurses in the world, you know No, it's not it's not common at least around the west of Ireland

[00:41:57] Okay, I yeah, I still don't have an outro for this podcast but thanks everyone for listening Oh, if you were to leave your your island, do you have any wise words you'd give to people?

[00:42:07] Maybe I control that in wise words. Yeah. Yeah, I would say it's all being an illusion And that's when you disappear. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, this podcast has all been an illusion all being an illusion Fair enough