Tyrant in Training Episode 48: All Hail The Plum of Three!! Screenwriter Matt White

[00:00:05] Hello everyone and welcome to The Tyrant In Training Podcast. This is an improv comedy podcast where each week we explore what sort of wonderful or woeful country our guest would create as its supreme ruler.

[00:00:16] I'm Kevin Ryan and I will be acting as your host and also the sycophantic supporter of every guest no matter how terrible their ideas are. Today's guest is screenwriter Matt White and here is some other context quotes from Matt, otherwise known as Plum.

[00:00:28] I am well within my rights to pull effectively a kind of reverse caligula and I've one of my minions gouge you out of my head if you do not please me.

[00:00:36] Yeah, if a half mile long man made of pulsating semi-translucent flesh which sort of becomes more human like as it reaches the extrusion point, I start to realise one of the reasons why I hate the maggot is that we're just the same.

[00:00:53] Also don't forget you can subscribe to The Tyrant In Training podcast everywhere you can find podcasts online. You can also follow the podcast on social media at Tyrant Podcast on Twitter and YouTube and TikTok and Instagram and for more info there's a website too which is tyrantintraining.podcastpage.

[00:01:11] Alright, let's start. We have a question for you before we start that though. Absolutely. It's about rules and procedures so what's your role in this? Oh, I am basically a voice inside your head like an advisor.

[00:01:33] Okay so you're an advisor and I am a tyrant just to make that clear. Okay fair enough carry on. You'll see why I've asked you that in a moment.

[00:01:41] And also I will just point out you know when you say a tyrant obviously you think of like someone who's going around chomping off heads because they just like a tyrant like if I'm right or else I've just been getting this wrong the whole time.

[00:01:54] Originally it's just like someone who comes to power through an orthodox means. So you don't have to be pure evil whatever you want is debuffs, right?

[00:02:03] Yes absolutely but at the moment in our relationship with you I am well within my rights to pull effectively a kind of reverse caligula and one of my millions gouge you out of my head if you do not please me.

[00:02:15] But I'm just like a voice in your head. Yeah yeah yeah. And I'm here to carry out whatever you want and just let you know how things are going. Awesome.

[00:02:23] Yeah I'm worried now because I thought I had a full proof plan if nobody can kick me off my own podcast. No no no. Thankfully my technical team is in bed. Okay. No you say from that perspective. Anyway it will make sense in a second hopefully.

[00:02:38] So where do I want it to be? Is that correct? Wherever you want it to be I'll make sure it will go there. Okay can you see Dennebelge at the top of Europe? Oh yes yes okay. You see where the Denmark sticks out from Germany?

[00:02:51] Denmark sticks out from Germany? Yes I can. Cool yeah Ulan so here's where I'm going to be a bit of a gist. I'm actually just taking that. You're taking Denmark?

[00:03:01] I'm taking Ulan the bit of Denmark that sticks out from Germany, the bit that's attached to the rest of Europe and the people of Ulan can come with me on this adventure. Right. And they probably will. Yes.

[00:03:14] Because it's going to be rip roaring okay but there's a particular part of the world though which is the greatest place on the planet. It's called sort of the North Western Coast. Right. It's called 2THY, the two national park. Yeah.

[00:03:27] And it's ancient and it's San Juni and it's wild and it's a little bit desolate also very beautiful but it's also well known for its surfing. I don't surf but I think surfing is cool so it calls itself Cold Hawaii.

[00:03:38] So I am going to basically, I'm going to break the rules a little bit. I'm going to take that piece of land as my own and I'm going to offer all of the people of Ulan the opportunity to stay there if they want. Yes.

[00:03:52] And if not then obviously I'm going to give them the opportunity to go somewhere else. So that is a little bit genocidal perhaps but no one's going to be wiped out and they can stay there if they want. What about the government in Denmark?

[00:04:02] Why would they go for this? They're in Copenhagen. But would they not? Which is a different island. But they'd still like to keep. Yeah, yeah absolutely. They'd like to keep it but it doesn't matter because you know I have a fool-proof plan.

[00:04:12] Oh, I need to hear it because... I've not made it up yet but I'm confident. Oh, you have it. It's been done. Yes. Well and I have it as in the brain cells which are going to produce it are definitely in existence right now. They're there.

[00:04:26] Okay, well I'm sure it will be prompting from you. I'm a little bit scared that you'll somehow take me out of your head so I'm just going along with it. Yeah usually... Yeah yeah that's it. You're on a performance evaluation at the moment. Yeah, perfect. Not pressure.

[00:04:37] Okay, but what are you calling this island or this land then as soon as you have it? Yeah this okay because one of the things that's important in my brave new world is awesome humour.

[00:04:48] Which obviously the pinnacle of awesome humour is what we used to call the dad joke and puns. So it's this area to the northwest of Ulan, spelled Jutland for the bits, is called two. It's T-H-Y, it's pronounced two. Yes.

[00:05:05] So we're going to call it tree as it's two plus one. T-H-R-E-E, basically two plus one. This is going to be called tree. Oh okay and you can get once you're about a tree to mobile service? Yes absolutely I get full mobile coverage.

[00:05:21] That would be fantastic and fight you. Yeah. I worked with them. They were horrible. Oh right okay. We can use that then we can take them over as well. The population of Jutland because I'm simple is 2.237 million.

[00:05:36] Yes you can get a lot more in there if you want. It's quite ideal in all kinds of places. There's all kinds of scope for fitting more people in. Do you want to fit more people in there? No. I thought I needed five million or something.

[00:05:47] No no no you can keep it as many as you want. Awesome okay. So you're calling so it is the entire part Jutland out from Germany right? Yes that's it yeah it's the whole thing.

[00:05:58] Because I'll be living in the wild bit in the northwest but I want other people to have access to you know coffee bars and art galleries and that kind of thing.

[00:06:05] Are you okay if it's called tree but it mean me with my Irish accent I pronounce it as tree? I've gone for tree because it's sort of yeah it's a hard TH sound anyway so THY is pronounced too so we're going to call it tree. Tree okay.

[00:06:21] Out of respect for the Danes and also the voice in my head. What are you going to call yourself as your official title? You cannot have this. I thought of it before. I'm going to have a one word name and it's going to be plum. I mean fruit.

[00:06:37] Do you like plums? I do like plums. I've also got a writer friend who I met not long ago and she's called plum and it's just such an awesome name. Is that her actual name? I don't know but I think so.

[00:06:51] But it's a cool name you know and so I'm going to have that. I'm going to share it obviously she can keep it. But also you know it's yeah but I was thinking because maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't want to be widely known.

[00:07:05] I'm not going to be the figurehead of this so I'm going to be the power behind a figurehead. All people will know me as is either plum or agent plum or secret plum perhaps. Are you okay if people are accidentally calling you plump?

[00:07:23] Well given how I'm going to be living my life I suspect that that's probably going to be fairly accurate so yeah that's okay. Eventually they do start calling you Donald Plump. Yes that's fine. Absolutely okay. Again, humor is allowed you know. Oh okay and again bad puns.

[00:07:38] Bad puns precisely yeah. Okay you're possibly developing a habit where you are taking someone's land and taking someone's name but allowing them to share it. Yes yeah I'm still allowing them to you know and find his fees will be provided they'll get free 5G. That's perfect.

[00:07:55] Three are all in on this okay. Do you have your title and location and name? Yeah. Oh you didn't even have to figure out what the origin story is.

[00:08:06] When you leave Wales to go as I suppose you want to do this secretly you're not going to make a big announcement that. No no no that's it yeah yeah. So nobody knows where you are when you leave. Well loved ones will come with me. Yeah yeah yeah.

[00:08:20] On paying of the punishment system which I've just made up which I'll tell you about later so the penal system will come so it's either you come with me or you don't and I'm going to buy a house somewhere in a little town in mid Wales

[00:08:30] and I'm going to leave the house I'm in now. Yes. But not turn up there. Yeah yeah it's just like yeah middle of the night thing you know go with a little fanfare and then there's no fanfare when they get there. Are you familiar with Dracula the novel?

[00:08:46] Yeah. What was he doing when he left for England like would people have not figured out oh the vampire has gone. Yeah absolutely yeah they hated him.

[00:08:56] But that's like in Transylvania but in his castle because everyone was to name of the was Transylvania it was the region but didn't have little like people in that region would realise the vampire has gone.

[00:09:09] Yeah absolutely but he had sort of mercenaries but he had admin people from outside I think they're called the Zyginie he came in and transported him out so he had paid workers. Yeah when the people realised he was gone that was great they hated him.

[00:09:23] But with they not avoid oh I wonder where he's gone I suppose they won't care. They didn't care back in those days you know it was telegrams or bust. Yeah yeah yeah.

[00:09:31] So yeah yeah so I mean that's it I mean we moved to this part of this little town just before Covid hit so you know our profile here is not huge so we won't be missed that much. You'll be fine you'll be fine okay.

[00:09:43] So you're not going to be in public at all in Tree you're going to try and keep in the shadow.

[00:09:48] Maybe I'll be known for doing other things you know like so random acts of generosity and writing amazing TV shows which which obviously will get played regardless of how unfinished they are.

[00:09:59] Yes yeah but apart from that I won't be the main figurehead partially because here's one of the things that is important to me is I'm not going to ask these people to do anything I wouldn't want to do or I wouldn't do myself.

[00:10:12] However I don't think I've got the face to carry that off and also I do like my privacy but I don't think people look at me and say there's a stand up guy right I've got my faces to sort of round and jovial.

[00:10:21] So I want somebody who people would run through brick walls for I say figurehead. Who do you take would you get someone you know or what.

[00:10:30] Yeah I'm thinking actually I had this genius idea was walking a dog before Jill Scott, who was a footballer who played for England soccer player. Jill Scott.

[00:10:38] Yeah yeah yeah she's pretty awesome. She's now this is where the swearing comes in right. So here's the irony of Jill Scott is she was a bit of a tallies person for the England football team for years.

[00:10:49] She would leave her heart and soul on the pitch every time she played for them and skillful and brave and fast and just a fantastic player and England didn't win much when she was in her prime. Okay. Right.

[00:11:00] Years she fought and she fought and she did her bit and then right at the end of her career England won the European Championships. Yeah.

[00:11:07] And Jill Scott was in the squad and she came on from the bench basically do just to sort of shut the I think it was Germans think it was Germany to shut the opposition down and just to just to beat Jill Scott for the last 20 minutes. Yeah.

[00:11:20] And this is a woman who comes in and you know she's sort of she's humble. She's a big fan of poetry and stuff like that. She's never forgotten where she's from. She's just an inspirational person and she became known around the world because she tangled with with a member of the opposition.

[00:11:34] And as they got up and the opposition person said something to it she was very clearly seen now being on camera fuck off you fucking prick. Right.

[00:11:43] And that is what she's known around the world for years and she laughed about it she's interviewed on the radio last year and she's got mugs with sort of the initialism of it.

[00:11:51] And I just thought she she just she just embodies that sort of combination of inspirational and human that I think you really need in a in a truly benign dictatorship. You know, so Jill Scott would be my figurehead. She does.

[00:12:07] She does. Yes. No she's very good. She's just you know what I mean you know. Yeah.

[00:12:12] I mean it's like a right if I was in Ireland it would be something like Paula Connell you know that kind of person. Yeah yeah yeah has just lived that dream and has done all that stuff and you can trust them and and you know when Jill Scott says everybody today has got to go out and pick up five pieces of

[00:12:27] like yeah Jill will do it. If I say that I would may have to introduce a secret police and I just can't be you know. Yeah they might only be picking up one or two pieces and God that's enough for him.

[00:12:36] That's like yeah yeah yeah yeah one of them might not actually be littered you know it might be an old leaf or something. Yeah yeah no no no they'll try and scratch around the edges.

[00:12:45] I wonder what I'm doing. Should I just should I just get to do this? What am I doing with no no no that's fine because Jill knows that without me she's nothing.

[00:12:54] Maybe I just send this to her and say yeah okay right okay that's good you're acting she would go first. No and that's why she'd be perfect because it's the people who don't want to do it. Yeah yeah that's true.

[00:13:09] So part of your job of the next stage is my strategic advisor would be to find whatever that lever is that would get Jill Scott to do it. I mean unless she runs a cafe in Manchester with her partner. She does actually.

[00:13:21] And Denmark you know amazing coffee society fantastic pastries and stuff so we can say Jill you can just have a cafe complex. Look I okay I tell you I will email Jill Scott for you Jill Scott and ask look I'm a favour.

[00:13:36] We're coming we're coming to Jill from a position of love and admiration and transfer your genius and fear yeah. Okay so what would she be called so we'll get back to you but what is her title in this. She's just Jill Scott.

[00:13:52] Oh she's just Jill Scott. Yeah yeah because you know someone like that it's just a yeah yeah there's no there's no finery or grandiosity there. Yeah yeah it's been yeah okay.

[00:14:01] Okay but with the government being set up you might notice that usually citizens are given the choice between do you want to let them vote for like a senate,

[00:14:09] 100 senators they can do all the admin stuff or just your inner council you Jill and a few more of the England women football team. It's in a circle only. No voting and they're happy with that.

[00:14:21] Yeah yeah yeah because I'm giving them again I've been busy over the last couple of days right. I'm giving them tea.

[00:14:29] Right okay I've got obsessed with two collective food collective nouns for interpersonal interactions right so beef like the Netflix show as in you know when there's arguments and drama and tea as in spill the tea give me some gossip.

[00:14:44] Yeah and somebody said it sounds like a Vietnamese soup. Beef and tea right. Right. So we I'm just gonna get quite philosophical are you ready for this. I'm fully ready. Okay okay so yeah there's other things you've probably seen that you don't want to see.

[00:15:00] So we need catharsis whether it's a social construct or whether it's something we're just born to humans just want emotional peaks and troughs.

[00:15:13] Right that's what we do and we are engaged and involved with each other and you know I mean calls to the Samaritans went through the roof when Princess Diana died.

[00:15:21] Yeah kind of thing because there was a collective act of mourning right and we need those collective moments we need likes like the equivalent of water cooler TV and obviously I'm going to be writing these TV shows everyone's going to be forced to watch every night. Yes.

[00:15:32] Yeah at the same time I want people to have real life interactions so what I was thinking was you create a series of arenas and it's not so gladiatorial but what you do is people can act out their beef.

[00:15:43] That sounds really really rude doesn't it so let me rephrase that people bring people have conflict with each other. Right they can choose like you can get in sort of the Guardian on a Saturday basically you can vote for you know two people have a disagreement. Right.

[00:15:57] Same with the same with Reddit am I the asshole. People bring their beef to the arenas and they can express their argument in ways which are you know we keep them respectful and all that kind of things there's no name calling or silliness because I am English.

[00:16:12] You express your issue you express your sides of the issue and the people vote.

[00:16:18] And you can choose how to express that issue so you can do it although with respect you know some people might express their conflicts and say well we want a box and then the people are the judge or we want to run around the track or we want to put a dog between us and we call the dog and the dog's got to go one way or the other.

[00:16:37] Or we just sit down and have a conversation over a table and he's broadcast to 100,000 people who are there but they get to vote and they get to see the results of it. So I'm giving people tea.

[00:16:49] I'm giving people insight into other people's private lives and they can help make decisions about their private lives. And it happens on mass. And that's the voting.

[00:16:57] And I think you'll find that 99% of people on this planet would be happy with that it's like saying, you know, I am involved in the apprentice, but you're dealing with the reality of people's lives. Because Alan sugar is not invited. No.

[00:17:09] Even with his all very bad dad jokes. No. No, I don't on that kind of competition. It's going to be one source of dad jokes and that's the effective the secret dad with the fruit name.

[00:17:24] You're not you're not going to keep an eye on these these this beef don't know because you know some of it might get a bit I'm rarer speech against the government. No.

[00:17:36] Um, there is a yeah I mean there will have to be some kind of person because obviously you know you there's got to be an element of consent to it for example so you don't want people saying oh I choose you know beef by chainsaw when the other person doesn't.

[00:17:52] So you're going to need there's going to be an element of that. And yeah I mean partially it will just be through expert conditioning by my TV shows.

[00:18:04] People will not want to be involved with that kind of insurrection and dirtiness, you know they're just going to want in personal beef. They're going to want a part outside my house again.

[00:18:19] Yes, somebody says I parked outside their house because the government is not providing us with enough free parking on the streets then the people will rise up and say no we're shutting that down because we just want the personal beef.

[00:18:29] And it's okay so my my thinking was that someone would command saying I have a very popular review channel on YouTube for the latest show that you're after writing. I think it's great.

[00:18:41] And this person goes that's nonsense the storytelling is lacking I think plum is holding Jill Scott back she should be writing the shows now.

[00:18:48] Yeah, yeah because that's basically just an expression of opinion and you can do that kind of thing just not with the arena, not in the world of beef. So they're not allowed your he's hooked. He's out of the arena.

[00:19:02] Yeah, I'm saying look you can express our opinion that's fine just like you know you don't have access to that's not true beef. So he can stand outside the arena saying we have to get rid of plum. Because he won't have 100,000 people listening to him yeah.

[00:19:16] Well they'll be inside they might hear him outside after walking out. And I do have to say is I'm quite open when it comes to physical, you know, I take all commerce into into the land of treat.

[00:19:30] I'm not having people who've got fog horns for mouths right, right, having people who's his rejection sort of extent imagine you got somebody standing outside a sporting arena or somebody outside, you know, Shakespeare's latest is on somebody stands outside the globe saying that shit he wins.

[00:19:46] Yeah, do you know what I mean. And it's and this is the sort of person who you know the way you usually say, oh just let the person let the person talk until they eventually have to take a breath then you know, let them get out.

[00:19:57] But some people can just keep talking and talking and they don't stop.

[00:20:01] That's fine. That's fine because the people are you know I give the people the choice you can either listen to that person outside or you can come in and sit on these plus reclining chairs where the food and drink is free with a voting button where you can help to influence people's lives.

[00:20:14] And you get pure beef instead of some some turncoats opinion. And but we're not we're not getting any police on Tim saying look stop fermenting rebellion. No, because he's not he's just expressing himself. That's fine. Yeah, yeah. That works for you.

[00:20:32] I've got a point where the we would get the police on me things went further. He pulled out a knife. I'll put it on if he gets pleased. Yeah, that's fine. It gets solid policing.

[00:20:40] They're good policing and we're keeping the whole idea of policing very vague right now. Right. We don't want people knowing what happens when you get pleased. Yeah, yeah.

[00:20:47] Yeah, I think I think placing can can can range from a sort of a white belt policing along the lines of you know a stern word, you know sort of Brassy white belt.

[00:21:01] Yeah, basically or the sort of 10th damn place in which is your shepherded away to the secret faraway place which we don't talk about. Oh, do you know where that is? Yeah, it's in the it's on the border with Germany. Oh, all right.

[00:21:16] It's far away from it as possible. Yeah. Yeah, right down at the bottom. Yeah. And by the way, what type of house do you want to live in?

[00:21:22] Me. Oh, oh God. I mean the thing about to is if you just I'm even to one of the existing houses is beautiful. Wooden glass and brick things near the sea. Yeah. You know, I mean I wouldn't requisition it.

[00:21:37] I would pay the owner for it because you can buy houses there for bedroom houses for like 200,000 pounds stuff like that. It's mad. So you move in. I'm just plum. Are you but are you living in a community or are you trying to stay a bit away?

[00:21:53] No, I'm part of the community. I just do all this. Oh, do you have a mask on or into like today they see your face.

[00:21:58] No, they just think I'm that you know the guy without the trustworthy face who is actually really cool and does random acts of kindness and writes TV shows. They don't know that I am actually also ruling. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[00:22:12] Jill Scott is running it in their words. Just starts running it but what they don't realize is although I'm quite twitchy and fidgety.

[00:22:17] What I'm really doing is I'm using my fingers to transmit commands in Morse code because I've got a little at no point you're not going to be a little bit annoyed if they're saying Jill Scott is.

[00:22:27] Fucking killing it in this country and she I mean because that's TV could be a bit better TV is rubbish. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. Sometimes people will get.

[00:22:36] Yeah, but you know, there's no like achievement though that she's going to get that you're a bit like hold on a minute. I did that. I'm too lazy for that. I've told you about some of my script writing experiences now I'm used to getting I'm used to that.

[00:22:48] Yeah, I can deal with that. It's like a one blanket to you at times. Yeah, yeah, it's quite useful. Yeah, unfortunately it's been warmed by other people's piss but it's still it's warm. I'll have a cinema obviously I'll have a cinema room in your room. Yeah, yeah.

[00:23:06] Yeah, yeah with with eight rows of seats and the middle you know all fascist cinemas right when I was a student not a few years ago into a cinema and it had one of these. Do you know in the middle you should have a kissing seat.

[00:23:19] Oh, yeah, individual seats to be a double seat right and it'd be that but it's for dogs. Oh, that's for two dogs to lay out on two dogs just yeah come and chill. No, not go at it. Not when I'm there.

[00:23:33] No, no obviously I might build a you could build another version of that for people when you're not in the room they go at it but when you walk in. No, she knows gotta be pristine. It's got to be well behaved dogs. Oh, okay.

[00:23:44] Yeah, yeah, the upper class dogs. Okay. What unusual list is tree top of in the world. Best jokes. The first place in the world best. Oh, King. Yeah, home with the dad jokes.

[00:24:00] Best approach to public catharsis and combining public catharsis and democracy in the most meaningless way possible but it leads to ultimate peace. Most secretive correction facilities. Also, one of the first countries in the world to introduce universal basic income for everybody. Yes. Best healthcare. Best social welfare.

[00:24:26] I mean you're so close to the Nordic countries you're going to be in the top five even if you don't try and do that right. Here's the thing right.

[00:24:33] Here's the thing all of those countries consistently come top of the league when it says when people sort of measure happiness. Yeah, Finland is the happiest country in the world. They're most happiest country in the world.

[00:24:44] Now I want to my other job part time I do social research right and I do I administer some of those surveys where those questions are asked to people in the UK. Yeah.

[00:24:56] And a key thing to point out is they're not measuring true happiness as we in the UK for example may consider happiness. It's not they don't measure joy. Right. They measure satisfaction.

[00:25:10] So the first leading question with any sort of parts of the surveys that I do is how satisfied are you with your life right? Yeah.

[00:25:18] And, and you know I spent a lot of time in Scandinavia and it's it's you don't see people running down the street screaming with joy and you know sort of all that kind of stuff and there's a much less demonstrative sense of

[00:25:36] enjoyment of stuff a lot of the time that people are very, very happy with the world that they're in. Yeah.

[00:25:44] You know what I mean it's like it's like you know from as far as Maslow's concerned there's then they're nowhere on that hierarchy you know they bypass that years ago. Yeah.

[00:25:53] It's almost like that's the land of tree is the place where people have the most grown up relationship with happiness as in people are all given that sense of you know I know I'm going to be looked after and I'm taking care of I know my basic needs in it.

[00:26:08] I know that I can find love I can express myself by the way I don't express myself in certain ways.

[00:26:15] You know, I can do all of these things I'm able to do and the world looks after me and I sense have a sense of community and I get to see the amazing most amazing beef and I share in the tea and I can make decisions about that kind of thing I have regular catharsis.

[00:26:28] And it just my life delivers loads of stuff for me. You know, and so it will score well on that. And I don't know how you describe that so it won't be the happiest it'll be the most content. That's it most content country in the world.

[00:26:41] I think if you're saying with the office and remote especially around well as a Ireland and Britain. Maybe countries but like if you say like how satisfied are you it does feel like but even when British people are happy they're still a bit better.

[00:26:57] But yeah, yeah, but it's kind of like there is that this this two sides I think sometimes we expect.

[00:27:05] Yeah, we expect joy when people are talking about happiness we expect those moments where you know whatever your perfect thing is you're out with your friends like some was there was an advert years and years ago for some group of people drinking lager in a pub and they're all mates together happy happy happy and then they got

[00:27:22] excited and it's been snowing so they run out into the snow and isn't it amazing. This is the best day that anybody's ever had in their lives right all that kind of bollocks.

[00:27:30] And I've seen that kind of thing actually happen to people where you know they get snowed into a little pub for like a weekend and they can't go home on Sunday night and they just think oh this is fantastic.

[00:27:39] Yeah, which is great but it's like it's just accepting that kind of thing. It's taking joy in the fact that that doesn't always happen.

[00:27:47] You know, and like last night Vic and I my partner we what do we do I had to go out for a bit to do some work but then we add some nice food.

[00:27:57] Recreated a vegetarian version of McDonald's breakfast which is pretty good. It was quite unhealthy because you usually cook pretty well anyway. That's another story. Yeah, you know I'm going to become plump so I've got to start somewhere.

[00:28:08] And we watched a couple of episodes of Masterchef and and that was pretty much it and just sat with the dogs and just just children. But actually I thought this is a lovely evening. Yeah, you know I don't need to go.

[00:28:19] It could have been better. Could have been down a bar watching a game or something. It was actually just really nice and I thought that's what tree is all about taking contentment in.

[00:28:29] Yeah, condenom kind of fits it a lot better. But anyway when you said Masterchef I'm just wondering join your TV station in tree. Yeah, are all the shows going to be written by like there's no. Yeah, we're not.

[00:28:42] Yeah, you're right. Yeah, thanks for you've actually put something out quick. Yeah, I need to work on that. But yeah, there would also be a regular supply of other entertainment and quality TV and of course in a lot of Scandinavia. It's crime dramas of the thing.

[00:28:59] You know, so so mid summer murders would never end. Yeah, yeah, it would be producing it for the next 100 years because it's just you know people love it.

[00:29:09] Is there any TV show you'd bring back or you know you bring not even bring back like say oh do not we need to replay or what's what's the work when. Oh yeah well they'd be a yeah yeah they'd be.

[00:29:23] That's a really challenging one actually because a lot of the TV shows I like they ended. That's the meaning that you go led you need to listen to you need to watch this.

[00:29:30] I think I think you go for certain levels of sort of impact on people and commitment required from people so there'd be a Battlestar Galactic channel. Right, okay.

[00:29:43] Yeah, yeah just playing the the 2004 till X remake and that would be playing and you wouldn't be able to for example graduate from school. You know, until you'd watched the whole thing.

[00:30:01] Oh, and deconstructed it in an exam in a way to show that you actually engage with it properly and didn't dismiss it.

[00:30:07] I there is a student and I'm going to claim their name is Kevin because I almost made the mistake in saying that they accidentally watched John Travolta's Battlefield art. Do they get to.

[00:30:18] We don't do that kind of censorship. No, no, they but they have to watch Battlestar Galactic as well now they could actually say you know what are the consistent themes in that in those shows and yeah you know deconstruct it and there you go you're being quite inhibited which I'm always big on.

[00:30:33] Yeah, yeah you engage your brain. Kevin doesn't need to worry if Kevin refused to watch Battlestar Galactic and Kevin might get placed. Oh, police down to Southern. Secret far away. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:30:49] How big is Trito because you keep saying that it's secret far away place but you said it was just north of Germany. Yeah, well it's you land so it's a you know sort of four hours drive south of me I think.

[00:31:01] I mean, you know, depending where we believe we're watching this that might be that fair. No, no, no but I think it's you go there basically that's just a cultural reeducation center basically I'm picking a bit from other countries that right.

[00:31:14] So you go and we just expose you to all you do is there's no sort of major punishment or anything like that they just you okay we'll do this right you've got seven circles just like me necessary.

[00:31:27] Yes, you've got seven circles and you start on the outer circle. No, no right refresh that you start in the inner circle and you're all in the inner circle and you're exposed to a piece of beef right. An actual piece of beef. No, no, sorry.

[00:31:42] I will make certain things about that there'll be a lot less meat eating in this world.

[00:31:50] I'm not going to cut meat entirely but you know meat will go back to what it used to be which is a treat to have a certain times the week and we'll get our protein in other ways.

[00:31:57] Yes, but you're exposed to a piece of conflict and you will spill the tea with each other and you will discuss the conflict and you will each come you will each share what your response to that piece of conflict is and based on how you respond to it you'll get moved out to the next circle right.

[00:32:14] Oh, if you're showing yourself to be a thoughtful considerate bloody bloody bloody empathetic soul you'll get moved out to the next circle right.

[00:32:15] If you're showing yourself to be a thoughtful considerate bloody bloody bloody empathetic soul you can go on and obviously people can just pretend and play the system that's fine because the beef gets tricky and tricky as time goes on it's like one of those sort of supermarket job application psychometric tests.

[00:32:31] Right. Okay.

[00:32:33] So, where it's you know you try to deliver this piece of material you've delivered this basket of goods to this person and you, you got a dilemma and your options are either steal from that person or kill a dog which ones are going to be you know it's that kind of level of trickiness.

[00:32:49] Yeah.

[00:32:50] So, there comes a point where you can no longer game it the test get harder and harder and harder but if you pass all seven. If you if you if let's say for the sake of when you process the beef in a suitable way, then you get released and you go back and your your your model citizen again.

[00:33:04] Model citizen if you fail. You get moved back one level. Oh so it could be an endless loop for you.

[00:33:11] Kind of, although once every three years we close up the doors of the inner circle and we just fill it with water and we leave it for six weeks and drown everyone. Anybody who's in there yeah.

[00:33:24] Oh Jesus. So if you go in a week before that happens you're really looking to. Yeah, and it's going to be like the reverse purge isn't it everyone's going to be really really well behaved in that week. Question. Can I steal this idea and write it. Yeah.

[00:33:40] Yeah, technically anything you say and his podcast is copyrighted by me and. That's fine that means your answerable to Jill Kelly when she comes looking for you. And Jill Scott just got your Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly I don't know your Kelly.

[00:33:55] I was wondering I was like is that that isn't your partner. No no no my. Yeah. Okay okay. Jill Kelly and Jill Scott perfect okay there is a question might notice but you know eventually going to come out or the scan.

[00:34:09] About you and plum people are going to. There's Jill Kelly skin care. There's a Jill Kelly who's Jim Kelly's wife for the Jill Kelly. American American philanthropist as an MD. Okay. So it's not so yeah but she's nothing to do with your Scott.

[00:34:28] Also head of insurance for a company that's I don't know if I love to say right we need her on board we need insurance. Okay, so there's going to be a scandal. Yeah. There is a scandal involved I would say you but I mean I don't really work.

[00:34:40] I suppose you because they say the mystical plum yeah the mystical plum. Yeah. But see then if everyone thinks Jill Scott has bleeding to the country. It's gonna be scandals. Yeah, you might have game game system that way. Let's say for the sake of argument.

[00:34:58] Okay, that I keep my normal name. Right I keep my persona but but then I'm going to say. But but there's it's clearly that no actually no it's all Jill. No it is Jill. Yeah, I do know.

[00:35:11] Yeah, I do have figured out there is a problem that your advisor is going to come to it and say yeah that that that very intelligent and handsome and happy boy Kevin who has passed school.

[00:35:23] And he has figured out and he has documented evidence that you you had a system to contact Jill Scott to give her orders right. He has evidence of that and he is going to the world's media to tell everyone what you understand.

[00:35:41] We have to find them first of all but yeah. The thing is the way I approach conflict is my natural response is to say secret please.

[00:35:56] No, it's actually to say by the time that information gets out I have cast in all my checks and shares and I'm living in Mexico. Also you would flee the country under the assumed name.

[00:36:09] Yeah, they'll never find me but I can't do that because I owe it to my people yeah he'll just get pleased. So we'll find him system works for them yeah we'll find him. But I mean we'll never let him out he's drowning in three years.

[00:36:22] Well it depends I mean you know people can. And you know that there's all about the prison is not just about retribution obviously I'm not calling him prison system prison so you know people can move on.

[00:36:37] And do you know what I mean it's like he can get out he can become a fully functioning member of society again. But he is saying honesty is just too important to me. Well they'll never get out of the things and really now if he's smart.

[00:36:56] Yes, he'll always make sure that he's in level two as opposed to level one. Oh, it drowned. Also it's only level one that gets drowned. Yeah, yeah, yeah level one is the only place where you get drowned.

[00:37:08] Oh I thought it was I thought it was all the I think it's all the same. No it's not it's not the whole thing.

[00:37:12] No no no that's it you know you can be you can still be good and while you're in you know for the sake of argument level four in your spare time you could be working as a beef advisor or you could be making pillows or something you know in exchange for money and you know you get paid for it's not slave labor.

[00:37:31] So you've got the closer you get to the outside the more you can engage with the community around you and the world. It's like you're getting promoted to they seem to be more responsibility more pay.

[00:37:40] Yeah, this is absolutely why the tests have to get harder the closer you get to the outside because you have to you know it's harder to game. So if you're on level one you're hopeless is basically what you're saying there's no point.

[00:37:51] Yeah, kind of you get dropped into level one on your first when you've committed an offense. Yeah, if you get. Yeah and then after your first beef session if you're still there. Then clearly things need fixing.

[00:38:06] I mean if you're there for three years you're like listen you're picking the wrong option one of them was. I stole ice cream from a baby. Well baby shouldn't have ice cream maybe but yeah. I'm hungry to eat the baby as well.

[00:38:17] Yeah, like if you're saying I'm all for us. So yeah, I just think from that perspective. Yeah, it's got to be you know you reset a level way you're just going to be thinking I'm going to welcome the water right.

[00:38:31] So Kevin is going to spend the rest of his life in around level two three four going up and down up and down constantly because. Absolutely. But if he gets out and he picks all the right decisions up to level seven he is saying I am going to.

[00:38:46] He's still doing it. He's the key. If he's still doing it then he has worked out a way to game the system which so far has been ungameable. So obviously we need to think about redesigning elements of the system but if he gets out then you know.

[00:39:04] But I mean what is it gets thrown back in again.

[00:39:07] I'm thinking like what beef could be on level seven that he is unable to to win will say that means that if he wins it all well he can he can't know he said information you he would have to.

[00:39:22] Given the nature of his crime it would have to be a piece of the resolution to which is that he would have to publicly lie. Yes. Did you did you ever watch Malcolm in the middle well done by the way that's good.

[00:39:38] No I didn't I didn't thank you. There is a episode of that where I think the start of it. Brian Cranston is the dad. He is told.

[00:39:50] I think it's someone someone's having a medical procedure or something like that right there's some there's some thing that's going on and he is told that he is the person who has to decide whether to have basically the surgery or not.

[00:40:03] It's not really dark and bad but it's something where he's given a situation he's taught I don't think they ever specifically like tell you what the exact conundrum he's in. Okay, yeah.

[00:40:18] And he has to pick one and for the whole episode it's just him trying to figure out what to do and there's parts where he has he has a dream and the person in the dream is telling them this is what you do you figured it out and he's telling me what it is and he wakes up before it and at the very

[00:40:32] end he's like they just they just turn around and say well you did it hell and he's like it was just obvious the whole time and it's perfect and he goes off and. But yeah that shows on the list that shows on the list.

[00:40:44] It reminds me of my favorite tweet, you know that old thing about the two that you in front of your two doors is a guard in front of each door one. Yeah, yeah.

[00:40:52] So it's like, yeah so mix a lot likes big butts and cannot lie his brother likes small butts and cannot tell the truth you're allowed to questions. I haven't heard that one. That's going to be on billboards.

[00:41:06] Okay, that's a good joke as well it really it brings you into like if you're flying into the country. Yeah, just as welcome to tree. We can work that out and I mean that's scandal we don't need to go on TV to explain yourself for that.

[00:41:23] Do you want any documentary made about Plummer about Jill Scott do you want to make out of do you want to make up a fantastical fact about Jill Scott. Jill Scott. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Jill Scott used to be an ambassador for the Be True Council of the UK.

[00:41:40] She wants as a challenge before she discovered football decided that she was going to eat 1000 be treats a day. That sounds healthy. Yes.

[00:41:50] And she managed it, but every morning when she woke up she went to the toilet and she thought oh my God my kidneys have failed and it wasn't it's just that her urine was slightly stained. Great image. Well, I do.

[00:42:06] I eat fairly healthy, but from a recreate McDonald's breakfast and I'm an ancient now and I still do it I still go to the toilet after eating be true and think oh my God I'm dying. Right.

[00:42:17] And we have given our we got two tiny dogs with the awesome names of Diego and Nacho and then we gave them a few days ago as just part of a meal you know just because they like you know because dogs are not obligate carnivores and they like to eat all kinds of stuff so we cooked them a bit of be true and

[00:42:32] we checked out and be true doesn't kill dogs weird things do but that doesn't and then nacho went to the toilet next morning and I thought oh my God nacho's dicks on fire or something because he had read we and it wasn't it was red it wasn't blood.

[00:42:44] So yeah just got once. Yeah, but she still stuck with it. It was when the first that's when the England football people realize that she had the right mentality. She was big ahead. Yes, she still plowed through every morning of terror.

[00:42:56] It's what was it called a be true because there is a British be true research organization. This was the be true board back in the old days.

[00:43:03] She's actually 92 and the old days of sort of the cold board and the milk board and you know the lamb council or whatever it was there was a be true board. I thought you said Jill Scott was 92. I was like Jesus. Yeah, this is a random fact.

[00:43:17] It's not true. Oh, she is 92 years old. No, no but the beat. Yes, she is the be true. So for somebody who makes so many stupid comments. I'm incredibly literal and other people are talking to me. I don't make stupid comments. Like, okay, are you going with this?

[00:43:32] You're actually in my head. You cannot make a stupid comment. That is very true. So the be true is kept to going. She's like she's our gone aged. Yes. Yes. And by the way, you're looking very well yourself. Thank you very much.

[00:43:43] I just I like to draw the tree when I can. Yeah. Good voice. Part of the job. I was going to ask this and I don't know how it's going to go. There's a knock on your door. Although it's not on Jill's door.

[00:43:54] Why don't you just keep it to me to say. I give it to you. Yeah. My capacity as a private person or something. Yeah, and you still have your inner console. That's what I'm going to be working with you. And does not in your door knock knock knock.

[00:44:07] Knock knock knock. I don't respect. I don't answer that because we've got a bell with a perfectly functional bell dealing and lingling Ling Ling. There you go. Darling the bells ringing. Hang on. Hello. Oh, hi there is a plumbing. Of course he's in. I'm plum. Sorry.

[00:44:26] I haven't seen your face in ages. Paul, your finance guy. Darling is the door. What did you just say? I was insulting you. Didn't you say honey, it's the door. Yeah, I said that to my partner. Then you opened the door and I opened the door.

[00:44:40] Yeah, because I'm just telling them going to get the door. She's wondering what I'm doing because she just cooked our beet treats. Oh, okay. That's fair enough. Yeah. Sorry, you were insulting me. Yeah. I'm your finance guy Paul. Hello. Hi Paul. I'm surprised you didn't recognize me.

[00:44:53] I've been doing this for the last 100 years. I recently got corrective eye surgery. It's going well. Right, okay. Good. You should have eaten more beet treats. I try to. Yeah. There you go. You couldn't find your mouth with them because you couldn't see. Exactly.

[00:45:08] What do you want Paul? I have good old news. I have checked finances. Finance is doing very well. We have 40 billion in the accounts. The citizens are very keen on building something, a big monument for Jill Scott. She's not quite sure about it,

[00:45:21] but it's more for them than her. You know what I mean? Yes. Yes. To make them content. Watch rebuild. She has no ideas. She's very uncomfortable with the idea, but she said, look, she'll do it. Is she uncomfortable with it?

[00:45:32] Does she not like the idea of having a statue built? She's not overly keen, but you know when you're uncomfortable, but you're like, but if they want to do it, like my own customers would go. It's fine. You know, you might work out where this is leading.

[00:45:44] So she's got a potential issue with that. Yes. Okay. So, is there a sort of representative reasonable person who could present the voice of the people? To you. No, just generally. Oh, yeah. You could represent what's being asked for. And could they be perhaps good at football?

[00:46:04] Kevin's very good. Yeah. He got out. So, Kevin is now reformed. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So you've got one person who wants A, one person who wants B and A and B are odds with each other. Yes. Very great. Put them in the beef arena.

[00:46:19] And they have to do a keep you up competition. They have to. They don't get to the people are invoking for this one. No, but I see that's, yeah, that's true. The people need a vote. I'll tell you what, here's what happens, right?

[00:46:31] The people will watch if Jill Scott wins keep you up competition, there's no statute, but the people then vote on what they want to do with that money because it's still available. Oh, yeah. And if, if, if Kevin wins, people vote on what the statue is.

[00:46:44] I guarantee you as an unbiased voice in your head, Kevin's left foot is going to keep that ball going for longer than any case in an international. Yeah, that's like those people, isn't he? Like certain percentage of men reckon that they could return.

[00:47:00] Oh, I get easily served from Serena Williams. I can easily bottom it feels. Yeah. Yeah. Same people who say they could win a fight against the bear. Yeah. Okay. So yeah. So Jill's won. Sorry guys, but there's that money available. And we want you to have something.

[00:47:18] So here's the T, we want you to have something. Talk it out amongst yourselves, come up with a vote and provide it's not anti. Well, I know because nobody knows that exists, provided it's not horrendous and it's not insulting to anybody. Yeah. If we're at it is decent.

[00:47:35] It doesn't break the basic rule that don't be a dick. Then I mean that about the people. Obviously the statue could be a dick if that's the world community wants. But yeah, off you go. What do you want? Knock knock knock. Oh, sorry.

[00:47:47] Dilly put the beat in the freezer. It's the door again. Yes. Hello. Oh, hey there. It's your boy. Hi Paul. Thanks for recognizing me this time. The eyes are working perfectly. Excellent. Excellent. Told you to be more beat. Get it. I said see. Nice. Yeah. There you go.

[00:48:09] You know what you've just been promoted to us. And double senior. Fine. Yeah. And double senior finance guy. Sweet. Even more looking at numbers. Okay. I just want to let you know quickly. I'll leave you to it. I don't want to bother you.

[00:48:23] Jill surprisingly, because there was a lot of bets on Kevin because they've seen him play. She won. So the audience they voted just let you know they voted to build a big, big factory name it after. It's the Jill Scott meat processing factory. Largest one in the world.

[00:48:44] Going to be a lot of exporting. It'll be fantastic. We'll make a lot of money out of it. So just let me know that. What kind of meat is it? I'm chickens and alpacas. So yeah, that's not a very logical combination. Is it? Okay.

[00:49:03] Oh, they don't mix them together. It's separate. The large factory. Yeah. Because it's cross-contamination because alpacas are actually alpaca flesh contains celery, which is a horrendous irritant and people can actually die if they consume celery. So we can't allow the alpacas, I'm afraid.

[00:49:21] Oh, but this thing is big. This is bigger. This is actually interesting fact. This is bigger than the largest mention in the world. The one that's something that Brunei has over 2 million hectares. Actually, 5 million. So what you're saying is anybody who's got any kind

[00:49:34] of celery sensitivity has to live has to move away potentially from the factory because there will be bits of alpaca flesh in the air. No, they've bought all the land around. There's a lot of money. Yeah. It's not the first time they've given up the land to

[00:49:52] someone else, you know? I've got it. I wonder who arranged that. I'll put it back. Yeah. Well, I don't think you will like this. There are things that we can process that we can sell and I'm not convinced that animal flesh is necessarily one of them.

[00:50:10] Let me just think this through. I don't know why I'm thinking this, obviously, because there's nothing to do with me. We're just having a chat of two mates in the street who can't be bothered to go to the beef arena. I mean, I know you're in charge here.

[00:50:20] I'm not saying that to anyone, right? Yeah, people might be listening. Oh, sorry to say that. Yeah. I can come indoors if you want to, or I just stay at the doorway. No, no, no, no. We had an accident with the beetroot. It looks like...

[00:50:32] I'm not very well. So I think here's what's going to happen. The factory is going to be built. Massive, yes. Huge. Yes. We will send chickens in and alpacas. Did you ever watch Bagpuss, the kids' TV show? No, I'm very, very familiar with Bagpuss.

[00:50:55] Right, they found a toy which turned out to be a biscuit factory and the big joke was actually it was just the same biscuit being rolled in the back and out of the front again, right? Right. So the livestock are going to be sent in. Yes.

[00:51:08] And they are going to be treated extremely well and then quietly released out of the back and sent back to the same farms that they came from. Meanwhile... Yes. And this is something I've not mentioned very much yet to you, Paul,

[00:51:22] but I think it's time to invite you into the inner circle. Oh, inner inner circle. Yes. Yeah, Jill Scott didn't actually get where she did because of beetroot. All I can say is step outside with me, Paul. Right, I'm outside. Yeah, yeah. Look up to the sky.

[00:51:39] Okay, I'm looking up to beautiful... We are not alone. Okay. Jill is an emissary. Right, go on. Yeah, yeah. From the Moon Titan, obviously, because she's quite tall. Where Thanos lives? No, the Moon... Is it Saturn's Moon Titan? Oh, oh, yeah, sorry.

[00:52:00] No, no, no, no, no, we're well under his radar. Don't worry about that. And the thing about Titan is one of the reasons why you don't see any people on the surface is because they all live under the ground because they have enormous maggots.

[00:52:11] So we're putting them into the factory? Yeah, and we just shave bits off them. So we make people eat that? Wait, so how are we getting them? Sorry, I'm confused. Jill's biggest aim in life, her biggest goal when she came down here was to... It's soft diplomacy, right?

[00:52:29] At some point, the world will know that Jill is from Titan. Right. But by then, the world will know her to be as awesome as, for example, in the fans of English football know her to be. Yes. And so we will accept our new neighbors with peace

[00:52:43] and everything's going to be fine and mild. Okay, yeah. Our gift to the people of Titan is this position. My gift as Plum... Yes. ...is being the fact that I've kept this secret. And you may have to... We're going to have to monitor you closely after this, Paul,

[00:52:56] because you may get pleased quite hard, like repeatedly in the face. Is it okay if I tell my husband, Kevin? Because this is... No. Oh, okay. No. Ironically, you could have been married to anybody else in Tree and you could have told them and not Kevin. Oh, okay.

[00:53:12] The other thing is I need to warn you, the maggots get very hungry. What? Right. What do maggots feed on? Well, usually grass, but they can be persuaded to eat human flesh, so just watch it. Now... Right, okay. This is the thing.

[00:53:29] Yeah, they're going to ship down some maggots. We're going to stick the maggots in the factory and everyone will think it's chicken and alpaca and it's going to be really... And the good thing about it is the maggots are... They don't feel pain because they're so enormous,

[00:53:38] but they are semi-sensitant and you just tell them to think like a chicken and they will... It's like a chicken. Think like a chicken and they'll produce chicken flesh. Yeah, they'll be like chicken. Oh, they will produce... Oh, okay. They'll produce chicken flavored flesh, alpaca flavored flesh.

[00:53:53] Actually, you could do beef as well, not the real beef, the meat beef and pork and lamb and pheasant. Tarmigan. I don't want to take this off track, if you don't mind, Plum, but I do have a question about these bigger maggots.

[00:54:09] If they can think like a chicken and then look like a chicken. I'll be honest, me and Kevin are under rock. Could they think like a very attractive man? No, they would... Sorry, I miss... When I say look like a chicken, it's like a half-mile long maggot

[00:54:26] looking like a chicken. So if you wanted a... If you would... Yeah, if a half-mile long man made of pulsating semi-translucent flesh, which sort of becomes more human-like as it reaches the extrusion point, if you think that's attractive, then maybe it could be.

[00:54:46] I just can't see this relationship really working. A little bit of information about Paul. I had my sexual awakening while looking at the Sumo World Championships. So I am quite interested in that. If I'm honest, this wouldn't be too bad. Yeah, Sumo wrestlers aren't translucent though.

[00:55:02] Yeah, when they're spending the night with me. Either way... I guess it could work. I mean, so is that your payment for keeping Sturm? You get a maggot of your own. You're going to have to live in the factory. I'd go on a date. How about that?

[00:55:18] Maybe I should trade with Kevin. Well, introduce you to one of our production lines in inverted commas. Yes, perfect. They won't eat me. They won't eat you? No, no, no. You're not being naughty. The trenches have gone into realms that I've already gone away from.

[00:55:34] All right, so we've built it. That's fine. I'll leave. Okay, I'll go away. Blum, what is your favourite movie franchise? Franchise? Depends. I would say The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. But I don't think it's a franchise because it was a sort of self-contained trilogy. Yeah, good.

[00:55:52] All right. And the Hobbits? No, not at all. Ring of the Power. What do you think of that? I actually quite enjoyed it. Me too. The lead characters played by Welsh actor, so that's pretty cool. Do you know what I enjoyed about that

[00:56:08] when me and Sleen were sitting down to watch it? Yeah. I quite liked that you had House of Dragon as well, which was just a different tone altogether. Yes. So you had the political intrigue of a family fighting. But then a few days later,

[00:56:21] you just have something that's a bit more fun. Yeah, that's fun. But adventurous. But I quite liked it because Sleen wouldn't really be familiar with the lore of Middle-Earth. Yes. So she would say to me like, so is this in the books like, it's glad you're like this?

[00:56:37] And I wouldn't be 100% confident. But I'd be like, no, I don't think so. Or she'd say like, so the wizard there, is that how Gandalf comes to Middle-Earth? And I'd just tell her what I know of it. And she'd go, cool.

[00:56:51] Like she wouldn't go, oh, well, now it's ruined on me. Like she'd be able to separate. Yeah. Well, what's cool about it is of course, the source of those stories is quite limited. Yeah. Because they don't have the rights to the full Tolkien estate.

[00:57:05] So that's just the bits in the books, isn't it? It's the annex to the books. So yeah. So okay, so that's not my favorite movie, Frances. I'm trying to think because I like so many great movies. I would suggest, you know what?

[00:57:18] I'm going to go out there and I'm going to say Final Destination. How many would you make? It's about seven. Six or seven, yeah. There is. I drove past the lorry yesterday with a lot of logs on the back and I just reminded of it.

[00:57:32] So at the moment it's the one that's most active in the play. Were you driving behind it or did you just drive past it? I drove past it on a very, very narrow country lane and it was doing a fair old speed,

[00:57:41] which is why I started to think, okay, it's time. This, yeah. Yeah, he's coming for plum. We do have an email. It's from your, who the hell would get an email? Your entertainment guy, your agent. Yeah.

[00:57:57] Listen, I know you're the, I know you're not really a public figure here, plum, but whoever, who made Paramount maybe? Or not Paramount, Sony. I'll have a look. Just keep going. The studio are looking to make a new final destination.

[00:58:15] They said that, you know, they'd love to film it here. They would love the leader to, you know, have a cameo in it. To be honest, cameos going behind the mask. They're actually going to have the personification of death in this behind the mask.

[00:58:33] They'd love a few true in some of your own acting abilities there. Would you go further? I think it's time to take off the mask. Sick of Jill now. Really? I'm regretting the whole thing. Yeah, she's an alien. I mean, yeah, you have louder to...

[00:58:48] She's been eating my beetroot. And she has infiltrated a country with a lot of huge maggots. Yeah. And actually, beginning to think maybe we shouldn't be feeding people maggots. Surely there's a health issue with alien maggots being fed into people. Yeah. And I wasn't thinking about that.

[00:59:05] And people are now starting to get a bit maggoty. Yeah. So it's like... And some are starting relationship seemingly. Strange relationships. Yeah, yeah. So it's not only what is it for health checks? Now you do BMI, you also measure somebody's waste.

[00:59:20] And you'd also now have to put them next to a piece of rotten shit and see what they do. See if they try to eat it and grow. And if they do, then they're not very healthy. Yeah, this country's kind of fallen apart a bit.

[00:59:31] No, there's turning to maggotville. Maybe Kevin should have won that Keebie oppie. Maybe you should have given Kevin that victory. Yeah, yeah. But the people have spoken, you know? She was spilled. But we can monitor that as Final Destination 8 is underway. So you'd be happy to play...

[00:59:49] Well, just I mean, you're not going to have a mask. Yeah, you're playing death. You know, you're... I'm out there. Yeah. Where do you think death would show up in Final Destination movie? I suppose you're going to be a character winner.

[01:00:00] Actually, I think I'm going to take it in a slightly different direction. Death shows up right at the beginning. And he is executing his plan, which is, let's say for the sake of argument, it is nothing too grandiose. It's like a church collapse. We love a wedding scene.

[01:00:24] Yeah, yeah. So you know, it's the good people of tree getting married with a free beef session afterwards. And there's hundreds and hundreds of them. Let's say he's in, you know, a cathedral or he's actually got a nice cathedral, I think.

[01:00:40] Which is in the biggest city in that area. And so they're all in there and the roof is going to collapse. And it does collapse, but no one dies because there's a giant maggot in there. Wait, so where do people inside there?

[01:00:56] They show up and be like, oh, we can't get in because it's covering... The maggot is just sort of in the aisle, you know, just sort of stretching out. And all the people are getting really pissed off because they're squashed up against the wall saying,

[01:01:07] oh my God, I can't see, you know, I can't think of any Danish names. Can't see Lars getting married because there's a frigging maggot in the way. And then the roof collapses and the maggot saves them all. Yes, but then...

[01:01:21] Then I'm out for revenge, but the maggot keeps appearing and saving people. And I hate the maggot with a passion. But as time goes on, I start to realize one of the reasons why I hate the maggot is that we're just the same. And it's actually a romcom.

[01:01:41] I have a question just while we're filming this. I love it and the studio are like, we love the suggestions of maggots suddenly in this. I'm just... I think people are a bit surprised that there's a giant alien maggot like in the...

[01:01:56] Yeah, there's something I need to talk to you guys about. Yeah. Meet my good friend Jill. Jill. She's going to tell you everything. Jill Scott. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Have some beetroot. Right. Yeah.

[01:02:12] And sit down and talk with Jill Scott and she's going to tell you all about the thing with the maggots. But yeah. Okay. We'll have our quick meeting with her. We've had it. Good. How did it go? I mean, there's a lot to take in. We won't lie.

[01:02:25] I think there's a lot that's going to need to be resolved and figured out later. We still want to get this movie out because, you know... Fixing in post. Yeah, deadlines to hit.

[01:02:34] So I think for now we're just going to keep the maggot story, the wrong comedy in. The maggot story. We do like that. I think we're just going to film these scenes, get them out into the movie cinemas. The whole world can deal with the alien invasion later.

[01:02:49] Yes. Yes. Yeah. We just do a series of Q&A sessions with me and Jill Scott on a maggot. With this scene, are you in the church thinking all church... No, I'm outside. I'm deaf, right? So I've got my cowl on my side because I'm quite a traditionalist.

[01:03:12] And I'm outside the church and I've sort of seen all the people go in because the maggot basically is there because the maggot just went in there because it was looking like it was a dead flesh or some grass. Yeah, and it got stuck.

[01:03:23] So everyone goes in and then the door shuts and I'm looking at my watch and I do a maniacal laugh and then I just go... Like that. And the roof collapses. And it collapses. And no one screams. After a few minutes. No, because you're stuck with the maggot.

[01:03:35] But no one screams. So I go up and I see everybody just standing there looking up because they're under the maggot and the maggot just saved them all. And I just go, fuck you! And then it cuts to the opening credits.

[01:03:46] And then you don't show up at all for a while later until you... Oh, I know. No, it's my story because it's my country. Always following you. Yeah. So I am then saying, right, well, he's going to die. He is going to die.

[01:04:00] That person's going to fall off that wall and they're going to land on that spike that's been kicked over there from a rogue skateboarder. You know, and over there there's a tiger and we think the tiger's going to

[01:04:08] get out of the zoo but actually the tiger steps on the landmine and the tiger's leg flies through the air and goes through the mouth of the victim. And I imagine it all, but it never happens because that maggot keeps appearing and getting in the way.

[01:04:18] Eating the landmine and it doesn't even hurt to face him. No, it's not even that useful. It just gets in the way. It just rolls along and just sits there like that. And then it just bounces off. So it's not even... This is the thing.

[01:04:28] I'm just thinking you're not even being smart. There's nothing clever about you. You're not foiling me. You're just accidentally getting in the way. No, but then one day the maggot turns around and says, what? You think calling yourself plum and hiding behind Jill Scott and allowing

[01:04:41] maggots to take over the world. You think that's smart? And so I think, oh God, we're just the same. We're both idiots. I dare say in the scene and I'm going to play the part of the maggot.

[01:04:53] The maggot would turn around to you and say, let me ask you a question. Yeah. What are you getting? I mean, I would like ring the bell. Oh, sorry. Ring the bell. Ding-a-ling-a-ling. Yeah. Hey, I found your address. Plum. Yes. Apparently this is... Oh, you recognize me. Thanks.

[01:05:10] Yes, I do. I notice you're around. Grim Reaper. You're also dead. This is a fictional... That's cinema. Yeah. Yeah, that is true. This is breaking boundaries. Hey, let me ask you a question. Okay. What are you getting in the way of? Well, nothing. I'm deaf. All right.

[01:05:29] Let me tell you this. No, I'm getting in the way of eternal life. Let me tell you this. You're wrong. You're getting in the way of the same thing that I'm getting in the way of. What's that? You. Oh my God. No. This is at my...

[01:05:46] That's my beach. It's ready. I've got to go. I lean in. Door slams. I run off. I hit the door. It's too soon. It's too soon for the kids. Yeah, I hit your mac and face. It's a comedic moment. You hit the door. Yeah. It's a comedic moment.

[01:06:00] Yeah. Fantastic movie. Right. That's the second idea I'm stealing. There's knock on your door again. The maggots guy. Movies over. Knock, knock, knock. Oh, sorry. Look, sake. No, no, it's all right. The bell's broken. I don't know what you're ringing. Oh, knock, knock, knock.

[01:06:14] I'm still big, big pause on it. Knock, knock, knock. Hello. Hang on. Yes, wait a minute. I'm just finishing my Beatrix. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Sorry. Is the wife is out? Is she? Yes. Oh, yes. Hardest in Beatrix. Fine. Yeah, that's fine. It's Paul again. Hello, plum. Hi, Paul.

[01:06:35] Hello there. How's the new position coming up? It's going great. To be honest, me and Mary de Maget didn't work out. Me and Kevin... Kevin okay with that? Yeah. I mean, he understood, you know, seven year rich. How well does he understand really?

[01:06:50] I mean, does anyone really understand another person's life experiences? Beef. What? No, no, no, no. No, don't take it. No, I've done nothing to tell you. Thank you to the beef arena. No. Okay. Anyway, sorry. I see a question first before I then you got...

[01:07:08] He just comes back and has to knock again. Yeah, okay. Knock, knock. And the people have decided that you should just make them stay together. Yeah, no, we actually had a lot more in common than we thought. Knock, knock, knock. Yeah. No, we've had the bell fix. Sorry.

[01:07:22] Yeah, it works. You're fine. Hang on. Yes. Hello there. Hi, plum. So me and Kevin are right on track. Great. Yeah, we're doing very well. That's how strong it is. Thanks very much by the way. It was great idea. Sorry. I didn't stop us at all.

[01:07:41] How do you feel having to admit to 100,000 people that you had sex with a giant maggot? Do you know how to liberate him? Good. Good. You should try something. See? Yeah, no suppression in this world. Anyway, we are going on holiday. We're going to Paraguay for nine weeks.

[01:07:56] Okay. Yeah. They've got all my holidays, you know. I... Yes, so I just want to... We're getting the plane now, Ryanair, straight to Paraguay. Well, we're going to Uruguay, but close enough. I just want to let you know the factory is working away fine. Just check the numbers.

[01:08:15] Not all good news, to be honest. It turns out this whole alien landing thing... Yes. It costs a lot of money. We're in debt by a lot, to be honest. Okay, yep, yep. It's been a slow, steady stream. I was too busy on a date.

[01:08:31] You know how it goes. Maggots take up all your time and energy. Yeah, we're 90 billion in debt. So I'm going to get my plane. Me and Kevin are going to have a nice time. Thanks for the new position and being promoted. It's very exciting. Bye. You do realise...

[01:08:48] Yes, have a great time. You do realise Uruguay is actually a code word. It's one of the conditions of Ryanair getting the franchise in our country. It stands for level one. Level one relationship. Of the secret faraway place. Oh! Take them away.

[01:09:08] Now, what I will say to you is... Yeah. Here's the big issue, right? Yeah. The... What I've realised is that young people and the social medias... Like 12-year-olds. They like a good prank. Yes. And for the last 10 years... Yeah. We have pranked the 3.5 million people of tree.

[01:09:30] As in, there are no aliens. There's no maggots. There's no maggots. It wasn't you and a costume. Was that because Paul... No, I just told you they existed and you thought they did. And Jill Scott is actually Paul O'Connell.

[01:09:50] He is old enough to have done all of those things. And he has been your figurehead and he's done a magnificent job. And the fact that he managed to kick a football and keep it up for longer than Kevin... Yes, that's true.

[01:10:02] Was incredible given that he was about 6 foot 7 or whatever he is. And he's built like a brick shit house but he still managed to do it. And Kevin is very talented. Yeah. And now I have filmed the entire prank. Right.

[01:10:16] I'm going to sell it to young people on what they call the YouTubes. Yes. Or the tix and tux. Yeah. And I'm going to make the 90 billion back. It's the greatest prank that's ever been pulled. It's fantastic.

[01:10:31] I'm a bit worried that a lot of the citizens are a bit hungry because... I mean, they think they've been eating chicken. That was just chicken. No, they have actually just been eating chicken. Oh, so we have been slaughtered on chickens and... Yeah. Yeah.

[01:10:48] It's part of the prank. Oh, so the packers have been slaughtered? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, perfect. Oh, cool. Yeah. And then those people who thought they were dying from maggot dust, it was actually just celery. Ah, interesting. So there are no aliens.

[01:11:00] Jill Scott's reputation is ruined as a alien invasion species. Just got us Paul O'Connell all along. And where has she been for this last couple of years? Just got is just a top TV pundit, but we don't allow British TV and... Ah, interesting. Yeah.

[01:11:17] And you don't allow your airwaves to go abroad either? No. No. I don't want to. Obviously there are things I do allow. I like Battlestar Galactica. Obviously Malcolm in the middle. Because of that beef episode. Yes. Other things may be allowed if I like them.

[01:11:31] The BBC series goes. Kits by Kits. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. I can start to list the first five. Go on. I remember the guy's name. It was a BBC like gardening program. Pretty sure it was BBC. That they had, you know, someone hosting a gardening show.

[01:11:48] I think they'd been on TV for years. But their show has been shown in, I believe, North Korea. Right. But they had to pixelate his pants. Why? Because I think he was wearing jeans and they decided they... Essentially they were too sexy. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

[01:12:10] It wasn't Monty Don. He never wears jeans. Who? Monty Don. So I guess it's Montgomery. Monty Don is a very well-known English gardener. He lives not far from here, actually. Alan Titchmarsh. Alan Titchmarsh's garden secrets. There you go. That's the fella. Showing on North Korean TV. Yeah.

[01:12:32] Apparently he was pixelated. Wow. I have to ask a question as Kevin. Does the beauty of that is that he's got the word tit in his name? Yeah, they didn't censor that. That was fine. Yeah.

[01:12:45] Just as Kevin, I said I would check in with Jill Scott, see what she'd do to this podcast and then see how she would actually do as leader. Do I now have to check with Paula Connell or do I just stay with Jill Scott?

[01:12:56] No, you've got to check it with them both because they're closely intertwined with each other. Jill Scott obviously had to give her permission to Paula Connell for Paula Connell to play Jill Scott for the last 20 years.

[01:13:04] Yeah, so she wouldn't sue and oh so she is aware but she's okay with... Yeah, yeah, she's fine. She's fine. She thought it'd be a laugh. Yeah, she seems. She seems pretty good. She's up for a prank. And Paula Connell actually loves beetroot. Oh yeah, yeah.

[01:13:20] And he wasn't allowed to eat it when he played rugby because it wasn't manly enough. It wasn't. Yeah, I had to keep it up an image. So, she did well playing the I presume much smaller Jill Scott. Fair play to him. Yeah, yeah. His back really hurts now.

[01:13:36] So Paul is on Paul not Paula Connell but Paul, finance Paul is level one. I mean he only went in two days before the drowning. I know. He got out though surely. No. Oh, he drowned. He was promoted beyond his means. Come on.

[01:13:53] I mean how much did you say 90 billion? Yeah, but he got promoted so he didn't actually check the numbers does he? When you get up that level like you don't check the numbers. No, I pay Paul to do it and Paul didn't do a good job.

[01:14:05] But I thought he went above that role like he had something smart enough. He would have said my underling has checked the numbers and has found out that we've got a we've got a gap.

[01:14:17] If Paul had said I am going to fix it and pass the responsibility on to other people and that would have been fine but Paul said I'm leaving. And it was the he would surround my eyes. But he was all those days.

[01:14:28] He hadn't taken a holiday in the last decade. He also got promoted well beyond his means. He could have taken a holiday was just choosing to take it at the time when the big hole was discovered. He was running away from his responsibility. That's the issue.

[01:14:40] Okay, I guess it's just that he thought I better stay in work since there's an alien species after land on the planet. But yeah, but he could have come up. The thing about is you never present. This is the thing about the system of plum right?

[01:14:54] You never present anything like that as a fater company. If he'd come to me and said, right, There's a 90 billion deficit. I don't know what's going on. The stress is really doing me in.

[01:15:06] I just had to express my intersectional workings to 100,000 people who then decided that we need to play table tennis to resolve it. It's just doing my nothing. Can Kevin and I go away for a couple of weeks? Yeah. Yeah.

[01:15:22] I said, yeah, that's fine because actually it's a big prank and it's all part of the plan. It's because he said there's a 90 billion unit of currency hole. Yeah. Yeah. I'm leaving. You never present.

[01:15:34] Agent plum and I'm getting serious now because I'm using my official name agent plum. Yeah, the fater company. And you're just like no he walked himself into it basically basically. Yeah. Okay. As I said, you know, God, God was this all betrayed him. Yeah.

[01:15:55] I'm bored with that as a voice in your head. Right, we'll work on that. Oh, knock knock knock. Knock and ring the bell dingling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Agent plum. I'm sure the first 30 years. Oh, right. I know you're the other Phil. I'm sorry.

[01:16:17] Yes. Carry on. I knew I knew Phil. I'm I'm the new finance person. I got promoted up. I've heard of you. Yeah. Sorry, I'm a bit forward. That's usually my. That's fine. That's fine. You actually were there to you.

[01:16:30] You were old Phil got educated out of life for not being forward. So young Phil needs to be forward, which is good. Good. Well, I have good news for you. Yes. The economy is doing well. Your plan is working there. I say flawlessly. I don't like being.

[01:16:44] I don't like being that emotional, but. Yeah. I guess in this instance, if we go great. I'm just making sure, you know, everything's in tip top shape. I didn't like how the factory was running to give a run behind the schedule.

[01:16:56] So I made sure that was working out. Okay. The everything's gone fine. Just wanted to check those numbers were again, turns out that minus sign was actually a plus sign. So it was actually just said it was 40 billion in the green. There was no minus 40 billion.

[01:17:11] So you're never in debt. So now your country is 10 times richer. Kevin is wondering where Paul is. Yeah. Kevin. Kevin should have gone to the magic fireway place. Oh, well, he was my own pair of them. Okay. Great. So here's what's going to happen. Yeah.

[01:17:32] Who put the minus sign in front of the plus sign? No, there was no, no, no, no. There was a smudge that was blocking out the top part of the plus sign. So we thought it was his job was it to read that piece of paper.

[01:17:44] What's the name Paul? I mean, you just got sent over the document. I mean, yeah. Okay. Okay. So who takes ultimate responsibility for this? Paul's debt. No, of the smudge. Now that Paul's gone, who is responsible for this? I suppose, I mean, your government hands out the

[01:18:05] government mandated laptops to I need an individual name. The plum. Did you order the laptops? No. Oh, well then who do you put in charge to order the laptop? I tell you what I'm thinking. Yes. Okay. I've asked a lot of my people recently, particularly the

[01:18:21] realtor they'd been pranked because a lot of them are very, very, very excited about giant maggots. Yes. I think I'm conflicted about what to do with this person because obviously they have, look, I mean, Paul's done. Right? He's dusted. We don't talk about him anymore.

[01:18:37] This is the last thing I said about him. The mistake would not have landed him in that inner circle. It was failing to affect the person. It was telling me he was going to run away. Right? That was his mistake. Yes.

[01:18:49] Now, I still have an issue with that person, but at the same time, whoever is now ultimately responsible for it, I'm still conflicted because if it wasn't for them, then we would have been less well off than we are now.

[01:19:00] Although, you know, the flip side to that flip side is also the fact that I could have get the prank going for longer. So it would have been worth more on the internet when I sold it. So I have beaten Paul and Paul.

[01:19:10] I'm not in the business of it. I'm not a producer when I sold it. So I have beef with myself and in a hitherto unprecedented occurrence. I am going to take to the floor of the beef arena against myself. No, against myself.

[01:19:29] Where have all the Kevin, where has he gone? Is he voting? You know, to be honest with you, Kevin's done his time. Kevin is now I've let him off. Kevin's got children to look after. Wait, where was he before this?

[01:19:40] going to send him to the inner circle because he was part of this whole thing to run away with with um with Paul but they've got children you know I'm not I'm I'm a tyrant but I'm not

[01:19:50] I don't kill children so therefore um I will go into the beat arena of beef and I'll go up against myself so there's the me that wants to punish this person and there's the me that

[01:20:00] wants to reward them and I don't know which one should win I submit to beef okay right right spill some fucking tea and I'll go yeah yeah yeah so obviously you know you can see what

[01:20:15] the pros and cons are so I go in front of the arena um I really need to the first thing that the people do after the tea has been spilled is they need to choose how I express this

[01:20:25] conflict with myself so in other words do they just vote yes or no do I fight myself do I play table tennis against myself do I do a poetry competition I think you need to

[01:20:35] write a poem and the best version wins okay the one's from what sorry sorry I was just getting in my chair continue okay the one's was a man from tree who's who thought he had

[01:20:52] blood in his wee his paper was smudgy his feces were fudgy and actually that man was me that's pathetic isn't it I'm gonna get blasted oh well you know the other side of you I guess yeah yeah yeah so um there once was a financial assistant

[01:21:12] um I'm all ears yeah who espoused the value of contentment oh I got what it's on a tree clap he made a numerical boo boo no that's just deadness which caused a hubba hubba balloon

[01:21:27] hello the boo boo no he made a numerical boo boo while stuck in a maggots foo foo and he has been um and since then he's been met with resentment there you go so I think I win

[01:21:39] well as you stand in fairness in the area understand this I think obviously people vote but I win and here is where it gets interesting um do you want to know from how they voted

[01:21:51] yes sorry yes how did they vote yeah there was a lot of discussion to be honest because this is unheard of I mean plum is in the arena arguing against themselves um just that normal guy who likes

[01:22:02] to eat his beetroot and give things to people yeah people were so as you know as he said they said we think you should write a poem right and maybe in a brilliant political move

[01:22:14] they did not expect you to not just one but two limericks which as you know are the happy cousin of the dad joke and puns yeah it's the it's the where do you live

[01:22:29] limerick yeah right this is just perfect it's the trifecta it's the lesser known it's the what you have the the odd a tree of him see their uh pumpy and you had the third guy he was really

[01:22:42] rich it's he's a lesser oh right yes yeah um it's that the limerick so I think everyone just burst out into a round of applause just cheering um I don't think they even get to voting

[01:22:55] it's the yeah so I both win in a way yeah there's no losers when there's a limerick okay so unfortunately whoever's responsible for this needs to be both punished and not punished