Wise Cracking Blonde Christina - The King Emperor Who Stares at Goats

[00:00:01] Hello, this is the Tyrant In Training Podcast, this is an improv comedy podcast where guests become the ruler of their own island and their own people and they can do whatever they want and there's no ethical or moral issues with it at all.

[00:00:12] Today's guest is Christina who is the host of the Wise Cracking Blonde podcast and YouTube show as well which is mostly focused on laughing a lot but sometimes a little bit of learning as well in the comedy trivia show.

[00:00:22] In this episode Christina is also known as the King Emperor of Goatland. Goatland is an island where every man, woman and child gets 15 goats to look after and if they don't they're sent to prison for one month for every goat every time the goat isn't looked after.

[00:00:36] That's a lot of pressure to put on a newborn but it makes them strong like a goat loving Spartan society I think.

[00:00:41] Anyway, oh also Christina commands clouds but whatever you want to do with that information.

[00:00:46] Here's some context, outer context quotes from Christina on her bond her island has with goats.

[00:00:53] Turns out I was hoarding all of the cheese in my gold mansion so we don't make it but if we find that somebody has it straight to a jail with the babies.

[00:01:04] I envision goats that are like bullying kids that are like telling them that they have big teeth.

[00:01:10] It's basically like don't piss me off otherwise the dark clouds, I control the clouds, do you want to mess with me?

[00:01:15] And don't forget you can subscribe to the Tarant in Training Podcast wherever you find podcasts online.

[00:01:20] You can also follow this podcast on social media at Tarant Podcast on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram.

[00:01:25] And I'm on Instagram treadsandbluesky at kebrineperson.

[00:01:30] And there's a website as well which is tarantantraining.podcast page so enjoy this show.

[00:01:38] You know that you are going to be ruling a lot of people on an island.

[00:01:43] Sometimes I've said to people that the island is going to have 10 million citizens just as a round number but sometimes people get a bit like, oh there's too many.

[00:01:50] That's a lot, yeah.

[00:01:52] Well how is that a lot?

[00:01:53] Can you expect, like it's bigger in Ireland but I was like, oh it's a country.

[00:01:56] I don't know.

[00:01:57] You don't have to meet them.

[00:01:58] It's probably average, right?

[00:02:00] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:02:01] And you don't have to meet them.

[00:02:02] You can stay away from them.

[00:02:03] Yeah, I mean and I guess we're not operating on like consensus or anything because I'm just going to be a dictator so.

[00:02:09] You can choose that.

[00:02:11] Yeah, no, you can choose if you want consensus or anything but like you can just decide all the rules if you want.

[00:02:16] Yeah.

[00:02:16] This is your, you get to decide everything pretty much on this.

[00:02:19] Okay, I guess the more the better because I'm going the dictator route.

[00:02:23] Did you, the more citizens?

[00:02:25] Do you want more citizens or do you mean just a more dictator?

[00:02:28] No, I think 10 million will.

[00:02:29] That'll leave it out.

[00:02:29] That'll make my ego feel good.

[00:02:31] Pretty good, right?

[00:02:33] They will all have to follow you on blue sky.

[00:02:37] That's all they have.

[00:02:40] Okay, so the first thing is, do you want to set up your island first or do you want to set up you as the ruler, like what your title is and stuff like that?

[00:02:47] Let's set up the island first.

[00:02:49] Okay, we get the island first.

[00:02:50] Then we go.

[00:02:50] So how are you at geography?

[00:02:52] Terrible.

[00:02:53] Really?

[00:02:54] Okay, this is perfect because I've come prepared.

[00:02:57] I have a map and it is right here and it's a map of the world.

[00:03:02] You know where the United States are.

[00:03:03] It's written down.

[00:03:04] Okay.

[00:03:04] So you're good there.

[00:03:05] Basically what type of weather do you want?

[00:03:07] Oh, I'm leaning toward something of the Nordic variety.

[00:03:12] Cold weather.

[00:03:13] So like, yeah.

[00:03:15] Yeah, I'm going to Northern hemisphere.

[00:03:16] I'm going to zoom in.

[00:03:17] Are you in LA?

[00:03:19] Yeah, basically.

[00:03:20] Pretty much.

[00:03:21] Not technically, but.

[00:03:22] It might as well.

[00:03:23] So you're like always with warm weather like where you are.

[00:03:25] Yes.

[00:03:25] So you're giving up sandy beaches and stuff like that.

[00:03:27] Yeah, it is a hundred degrees outside where I live.

[00:03:30] So I could go for a sweater.

[00:03:32] I don't know what that is.

[00:03:33] I never can tell Fahrenheit in Celsius.

[00:03:35] Hundred degrees sounds like, you know, my face is melted off.

[00:03:38] Yeah, I think.

[00:03:40] I think I heard somebody in Celsius say it was in the fifties, but that might be not going

[00:03:46] on.

[00:03:47] So that's Fahrenheit.

[00:03:48] Yeah, that's 37 degrees.

[00:03:49] That's by the way.

[00:03:50] Do you mind cursing?

[00:03:51] Cause you're the boss.

[00:03:51] Technically.

[00:03:51] No, I do not.

[00:03:52] Oh, that's fucking crazy.

[00:03:54] That's 37, doesn't it?

[00:03:55] 38 degrees.

[00:03:56] Yes.

[00:03:56] And you need a sweater.

[00:03:58] No, I'm saying I want to get out of here.

[00:03:59] Oh, where I need a sweater.

[00:04:01] Oh, I thought you said I need a sweater.

[00:04:03] I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

[00:04:04] Okay.

[00:04:04] No, that's fine.

[00:04:05] Jesus.

[00:04:05] That would actually kill my fiance.

[00:04:07] She would be like, never do that again.

[00:04:09] Anyway.

[00:04:09] It's like that scene from Terminator when the bomb goes off.

[00:04:13] Like that's how it is when you walk outside and your face is melting off and you're

[00:04:16] against the chain link fence.

[00:04:18] That's what it feels like.

[00:04:18] Yeah.

[00:04:19] I've been in 40 degrees weather and that's not fun.

[00:04:21] But okay.

[00:04:22] I actually got rid of the, in my excitement, I got rid of the map.

[00:04:25] Okay.

[00:04:25] So you're going north.

[00:04:26] Definitely.

[00:04:27] Yeah.

[00:04:27] Okay.

[00:04:27] Do you mean in like, in like the Sweden, Denmark area?

[00:04:30] Oh, do you want to go in between?

[00:04:32] Wait a minute.

[00:04:32] I do this a bit better.

[00:04:34] Uh, in between Sweden and Finland.

[00:04:36] Yeah.

[00:04:36] Little in there.

[00:04:37] There's no, no, no tsunamis or anything you get in there.

[00:04:40] They don't even get, they get, they get nothing.

[00:04:42] They don't get earthquake.

[00:04:43] Like I mean, Ireland doesn't either hurricane.

[00:04:45] I wouldn't get anything.

[00:04:45] You get nothing.

[00:04:46] Um, you don't get good healthcare.

[00:04:48] Perfect.

[00:04:49] Right.

[00:04:49] Just naturally.

[00:04:50] Good chocolate.

[00:04:51] Either way.

[00:04:51] I'm good.

[00:04:52] It bubbles up from the ground.

[00:04:53] So you're lending a country in there or an island in there.

[00:04:56] Yes.

[00:04:57] Uh, how, what, what type of name do you want to give us?

[00:04:59] Do you want to name it after yourself or?

[00:05:01] Well, this I didn't prepare for it.

[00:05:03] I'm going to call it.

[00:05:04] It's not wisecracking Island is it?

[00:05:06] No.

[00:05:07] Bit of branding.

[00:05:08] Uh, I'm going to call it goat Island.

[00:05:11] Goat Island.

[00:05:12] Mm-hmm.

[00:05:12] So I take it you're a fan of goats.

[00:05:14] Um, I'm entertained by them for sure.

[00:05:15] That's a weird, what do you mean entertained by them?

[00:05:17] Like a circus?

[00:05:18] I don't, there's something, uh, that is charming about the fact that they just sort of like eat

[00:05:24] trash and look like garbage and.

[00:05:27] They look like garbage.

[00:05:28] You don't like them, do you?

[00:05:28] No, I just, I think they're like cutely ugly and they've got like their scruffy beard and

[00:05:33] I don't know something about them.

[00:05:34] Yeah.

[00:05:34] Cause when you say entertained and I don't want to get, I don't want to make this, um,

[00:05:37] podcast very political, but I'm entertained by like JD Vance.

[00:05:41] I don't like the guy, but.

[00:05:42] That's a, that's a different level of entertainment.

[00:05:45] But that's what it means.

[00:05:45] I'm just like, are you having to go with the goats and you just want to.

[00:05:48] Okay.

[00:05:48] There's going to be a lot of goats on your Island.

[00:05:50] Yes.

[00:05:51] Goat Island.

[00:05:51] Fair enough.

[00:05:52] Um, yeah, I like goats.

[00:05:53] This is, this is what I use for my show when I'm, uh, determining who gets to answer

[00:05:59] the question.

[00:06:00] Do I get it?

[00:06:01] It's from my show.

[00:06:02] That's a little goat screaming.

[00:06:03] This is what I use.

[00:06:04] I can't hear that at all.

[00:06:05] You can't hear that?

[00:06:06] No, I didn't hear that at all.

[00:06:07] Okay.

[00:06:08] Hold on.

[00:06:08] What mic am I coming?

[00:06:09] It sounds like he's just sneezing.

[00:06:13] Sounds like a really sick goat.

[00:06:15] He's screaming.

[00:06:15] Did you ever, did you see the Thor love and thunder movie where he's got the two goats?

[00:06:19] It's like that.

[00:06:20] So you would have them, you'd have screaming goats on your, on your own.

[00:06:23] And she, you don't think that would wear off after a while.

[00:06:26] I'm sure it would, but you're happy with that.

[00:06:29] Dictator me doesn't care about that.

[00:06:30] Your citizens will, but you won't give a shit.

[00:06:32] Right.

[00:06:33] That's a problem.

[00:06:34] Perfect.

[00:06:34] Perfect.

[00:06:35] I love, I love the energy by the way.

[00:06:36] Thanks very much.

[00:06:37] Um, okay.

[00:06:39] Since your Island is there.

[00:06:40] Um, Oh, I'll just say when regards to the Island, uh, what type of house do you

[00:06:44] want?

[00:06:44] Uh, are there options or do I just say mansion?

[00:06:47] You can pick whatever you want.

[00:06:48] If you want a castle, if you want a volcano and you know, a layer or anything.

[00:06:52] It costs a lot of money to build, but we have that.

[00:06:55] No, I'll go mansion.

[00:06:56] I would like.

[00:06:57] Like a modern mansion.

[00:06:58] Heating and air conditioning.

[00:06:59] Yes.

[00:07:00] Yeah.

[00:07:00] But you don't want it to look like an old mansion and we'll put in the 5g and all that

[00:07:04] but.

[00:07:04] No, I would like it to be very, just ridiculous.

[00:07:09] Like everything is gold plated and covered in gold and just like.

[00:07:14] You go all gold.

[00:07:15] Ridiculous.

[00:07:16] Mm hmm.

[00:07:16] Really?

[00:07:17] Yep.

[00:07:17] You wouldn't think that much gold would look a bit tacky.

[00:07:21] No, no, that's what I'm going for.

[00:07:22] Yeah.

[00:07:23] Like Greek God level energy.

[00:07:25] Like I just want everything.

[00:07:27] You think if you, you think if you go into the gold so much, you'll come out the other

[00:07:31] side of gaudy into fabulous again.

[00:07:34] Yes.

[00:07:35] God.

[00:07:36] Goddess.

[00:07:36] Liberace in a positive.

[00:07:37] Right.

[00:07:38] Yeah.

[00:07:38] Yeah.

[00:07:38] If you own it that hard.

[00:07:40] Okay.

[00:07:40] Yes.

[00:07:41] Okay.

[00:07:41] We build basically practically building a solid gold mansion at this point.

[00:07:45] Right.

[00:07:45] We are just going all in.

[00:07:46] Okay.

[00:07:47] Okay.

[00:07:47] Good.

[00:07:48] Almost to where it's not even practical because it like melts in the sun.

[00:07:51] Like it's sort of like.

[00:07:53] Gold doesn't melt in the sun.

[00:07:54] Well, gold is not a good thing.

[00:07:56] It's not strong.

[00:07:57] And so in terms of metals, it's not a great choice, but do it anyway.

[00:08:01] Oh, you don't even have bricks.

[00:08:02] Like the roof isn't even made of like tiles and stuff.

[00:08:06] It's just gold.

[00:08:06] Yep.

[00:08:06] Yep.

[00:08:07] Right.

[00:08:07] It's actually a hazard to have you in there.

[00:08:09] Yeah.

[00:08:10] Yeah.

[00:08:11] It's a danger.

[00:08:12] You could, you could be, you could die at any minute.

[00:08:14] I want gold bars to be the bricks.

[00:08:16] Go on.

[00:08:16] Yeah.

[00:08:17] Yeah.

[00:08:17] All right.

[00:08:18] Yeah.

[00:08:18] We'll.

[00:08:18] God, that one, one, one, like, I mean, there's strong winds in Scandinavia.

[00:08:23] I could take the whole house down.

[00:08:25] I'm willing to risk it.

[00:08:26] Cool.

[00:08:27] Okay.

[00:08:27] Yeah.

[00:08:27] Live, live how you live.

[00:08:29] Female empowerment.

[00:08:30] I'm with it.

[00:08:32] Okay.

[00:08:33] So now that we have your, your debt trap set up as a house.

[00:08:38] Um, I will just add before I get to your, you specifically, the 10 million people who

[00:08:44] arrive onto your island, they are more than happy with whatever you decide now, obviously,

[00:08:47] because they're willingly coming to your island to live there.

[00:08:50] But you know, the everyday boring stuff of running a country, like traffic light systems

[00:08:54] and stuff like that.

[00:08:56] Um, do you want to have an inner council that you select like 10 people to oversee the boring

[00:09:02] stuff and you have ultimate power, but they do the boring stuff?

[00:09:05] Or would you let your citizens have like a limited form of voting to elect like a hundred senators and

[00:09:11] they'll do that.

[00:09:12] But you have ultimate say, like, it's just, you know, they're the, the, the admin team.

[00:09:16] Basically, do you want voting or not?

[00:09:18] Or democracy or not?

[00:09:20] Democracy, uh, with the first right of refusal that I can take it away at any time.

[00:09:25] So you will allow people-

[00:09:26] It's put into the government that I can take away their right to vote at any time.

[00:09:30] Yeah.

[00:09:30] And if they make the wrong decision, you will correct them.

[00:09:33] Correct.

[00:09:34] So you want people to have the right to vote as long as they vote how you want them

[00:09:38] to vote.

[00:09:38] Exactly what I think they should do.

[00:09:40] Okay.

[00:09:40] Okay.

[00:09:41] Would it not just be easier for you to decide everything instead of making them go off and

[00:09:45] wait in line for hours?

[00:09:46] And no, I think that people like to think that they're in charge.

[00:09:49] Yeah.

[00:09:49] I guess they do.

[00:09:50] Yeah.

[00:09:50] I mean, they kind of see through it and go, this is pointless, but yeah, they're very happy

[00:09:54] to do it either way.

[00:09:55] Yeah.

[00:09:55] Yeah.

[00:09:56] On a Wednesday.

[00:09:57] Yeah.

[00:09:57] They have nothing to do.

[00:09:58] There's nothing on TV.

[00:09:59] Um, okay.

[00:10:00] So we have, uh, goat Island is set up, right?

[00:10:03] Okay.

[00:10:04] Mm-hmm.

[00:10:04] Is it goat Island or goat land?

[00:10:06] Oh, goat land.

[00:10:07] Good call.

[00:10:07] I'm just thinking Finland and Greenland.

[00:10:09] Like, yeah, goat land.

[00:10:10] Okay.

[00:10:10] I'll change that on the constitution.

[00:10:12] And it is now go land.

[00:10:13] Um, do.

[00:10:15] Okay.

[00:10:15] The question regarding you is what would your official title be?

[00:10:19] What should people refer to you as?

[00:10:21] Um, I am a king dictator.

[00:10:24] King dictator.

[00:10:25] Mm-hmm.

[00:10:26] Why?

[00:10:27] As a woman.

[00:10:28] Cause I do what I want.

[00:10:29] Oh yeah.

[00:10:29] Why do you just prefer the word king to queen?

[00:10:32] Uh, yeah.

[00:10:33] Yeah.

[00:10:33] No, no, it's fair.

[00:10:34] Less.

[00:10:34] Yeah.

[00:10:35] It's just less letters.

[00:10:37] Are you putting it on the back of a Jersey?

[00:10:39] Like, are you saving on money on lettering?

[00:10:41] Well, okay.

[00:10:42] Yeah.

[00:10:42] You just need to get signs printed.

[00:10:44] You've just built a house of solid gold and now you're panicking over.

[00:10:49] I'm broke.

[00:10:49] Yeah.

[00:10:50] You're panicking over how many.

[00:10:51] Now the stationary has to be.

[00:10:53] Okay.

[00:10:54] Um, so you're a king dictator.

[00:10:57] Yes.

[00:10:57] That's it, right?

[00:10:58] King dictator of Goatland.

[00:11:00] It rolls off the tongue at least.

[00:11:02] Yeah.

[00:11:02] Um, so, oh, do you have any official like garb, like royal, royal wear or any, any attire?

[00:11:11] I'm a big fan of purple robes.

[00:11:15] The like deep purple.

[00:11:16] Yeah.

[00:11:17] Like I envision it like, um, in the Robin Hood movie, but in the animated version.

[00:11:23] There was like the king wore this like deep purple robe that had a, some sort of print

[00:11:30] around the edges, like a cheetah print or.

[00:11:33] Oh my God.

[00:11:33] It was equally as garish.

[00:11:35] Um, and do you want that crown as well?

[00:11:37] He also had blue.

[00:11:38] Oh, did he?

[00:11:39] Apparently.

[00:11:39] Yeah.

[00:11:40] Okay.

[00:11:41] Uh, I'll show you the blue if you want, just, just for, just for the sake of argument.

[00:11:45] Um, here is the blue King John, right?

[00:11:49] In the animated.

[00:11:50] I don't know.

[00:11:50] Can you see that?

[00:11:51] Oh, okay.

[00:11:53] Right.

[00:11:53] Yep.

[00:11:53] But there is purple.

[00:11:54] There's the purple.

[00:11:55] He had the blue under it.

[00:11:56] Oh, I guess.

[00:11:57] And it depends on which graphic.

[00:11:58] Cause if you look down below.

[00:11:59] Oh, oh, wait.

[00:12:00] I've gone down, down below here.

[00:12:02] Interesting.

[00:12:03] Yeah.

[00:12:03] On the far left.

[00:12:06] There's a, that one's purple too.

[00:12:08] Weird.

[00:12:08] Oh yeah.

[00:12:09] That's, that's, that's a, that's what I'm thinking.

[00:12:11] It's the purple.

[00:12:12] Um, okay.

[00:12:13] Yeah.

[00:12:13] Yeah.

[00:12:13] Yeah.

[00:12:14] I can go for that.

[00:12:14] Do you want the crown as well?

[00:12:15] Or is that too much?

[00:12:16] Yeah.

[00:12:17] Yeah.

[00:12:17] I can go for that.

[00:12:39] Yeah.

[00:13:08] It's green, right?

[00:13:10] Oh, I don't know.

[00:13:10] Do I?

[00:13:11] Oh yeah.

[00:13:11] No, it's not a, that's not a threat.

[00:13:14] It's not a head, but it's, it's, um, no, it's more like, you know, oh, Hey, um, King

[00:13:21] dictator.

[00:13:21] You're all right.

[00:13:22] Yeah.

[00:13:22] That's nice.

[00:13:23] Sure.

[00:13:24] Yeah.

[00:13:25] That's, that means like, Oh Jesus, Kevin, Kevin is mad about the King dictator.

[00:13:28] Yeah, no, they're not, they're not too bad.

[00:13:31] That's it.

[00:13:32] That's like, geez, you know, calm down.

[00:13:35] A very, a very overly expressive culture.

[00:13:38] I see.

[00:13:38] King dictator is married.

[00:13:40] Relax.

[00:13:41] And you're like, I'm not saying not the worst person I've ever met.

[00:13:44] Hey, you have a fiance for God's sake, Kevin.

[00:13:47] Um, okay.

[00:13:49] I'll try that and we'll see how that goes.

[00:13:50] Um, okay.

[00:13:52] So we have the country set up, right?

[00:13:53] Uh, King dictator is sitting in their throne room under a.

[00:13:59] Amount of gold.

[00:14:01] Um, and.

[00:14:02] Goatland.

[00:14:02] What unusual list is Goatland top of in the world?

[00:14:06] So like, you know, you'll have the countries that are like the best healthcare and like

[00:14:10] the list of best education or whatever.

[00:14:12] Yeah.

[00:14:13] Goatland has the most goats per capita.

[00:14:15] I wonder, can we find that, uh, countries with most goats, uh, countries with most goats,

[00:14:20] most goats meets.

[00:14:22] Yeah.

[00:14:22] Ghost meat.

[00:14:23] Ghost goat meat.

[00:14:24] I'm sorry.

[00:14:26] You haven't been saying ghost the whole time.

[00:14:28] Have you?

[00:14:28] No, I have not.

[00:14:29] Okay.

[00:14:30] Um, although that, that would have been an interesting take.

[00:14:33] That might've been.

[00:14:34] Yeah.

[00:14:34] I should have just went to this.

[00:14:35] It would have been great if I just thought it was ghost the whole way through.

[00:14:38] Ghost.

[00:14:39] Yeah.

[00:14:39] It'd be Halloween Island.

[00:14:40] Um, so you have 10 million people on your Island, right?

[00:14:44] Yep.

[00:14:45] Do you know what, can you, do you want to take a guess what country would have the most

[00:14:48] goats in their country?

[00:14:50] This is going from 2022.

[00:14:51] I'm going to assume it's the same.

[00:14:53] Just volume.

[00:14:53] Not like per person, just the sheer number.

[00:14:56] Per person.

[00:14:56] No, no, just.

[00:14:57] Yeah.

[00:14:58] No, just per person has a goat.

[00:14:59] No, just per.

[00:15:00] No, no.

[00:15:00] Oh, is that what's happening in Goatland?

[00:15:02] Everyone has a goat.

[00:15:03] Well, you'd think that it would be like a large massive land would have the most goats,

[00:15:07] right?

[00:15:07] Is that wrong?

[00:15:08] Yeah.

[00:15:08] Yeah.

[00:15:11] But no, I mean, yeah, no, it's just going by the amount of goats in the country.

[00:15:15] I'm assuming.

[00:15:16] Russia.

[00:15:16] Is it Russia?

[00:15:17] Russia?

[00:15:18] I wonder if it was Russia.

[00:15:19] I don't know.

[00:15:20] No, they're not even on the list.

[00:15:22] They're not even showing up.

[00:15:23] I don't think they have a goat.

[00:15:25] Never even seen one.

[00:15:26] They don't.

[00:15:26] Oh, they only have 1.8 million.

[00:15:28] They have less than if you can believe it.

[00:15:31] Fucking Tajikistan.

[00:15:35] I'm just going to end the podcast after that.

[00:15:37] Fucking Tajikistan embarrassing them.

[00:15:41] No, I said there Russia had 1.8 million goats in 2022, right?

[00:15:46] Okay.

[00:15:46] The country with the highest amount is India.

[00:15:49] They have, and again, you said you have the most goats in the world.

[00:15:52] So keep in mind, you have more goats than India.

[00:15:55] They have 150 million.

[00:15:57] Okay.

[00:15:57] Perfect.

[00:15:57] So on your island of 10 million, you have 15 goats.

[00:16:01] By law.

[00:16:02] Yep.

[00:16:02] Oh, sweet.

[00:16:03] God, that's a very socialist.

[00:16:06] I mean, I started.

[00:16:07] Yeah.

[00:16:07] Very, very fair.

[00:16:09] So every child, every newborn gets handed 15 goats.

[00:16:12] Yep.

[00:16:13] So they got to make sure they take care of them.

[00:16:15] And if the baby doesn't into the jail.

[00:16:17] Exactly.

[00:16:18] How long?

[00:16:19] Into the jail.

[00:16:21] It's a month per goat that they are not taken care of.

[00:16:25] So it could be, they could be a year and a half before they're getting out after the

[00:16:28] So they might have their first birthday in a prison cell.

[00:16:31] Fair enough.

[00:16:31] Deserve it.

[00:16:32] Yeah.

[00:16:32] I'm going to make good choices.

[00:16:33] I presume we're not fond of animal cruelty on this island.

[00:16:37] No, that's good.

[00:16:38] I need to make sure.

[00:16:39] They can ride the goats if they need to.

[00:16:42] The newborns.

[00:16:42] Yeah.

[00:16:43] Use them for work.

[00:16:44] Yeah.

[00:16:44] They can teach them tricks.

[00:16:45] I mean, I'm pretty sure the goat would be teaching the toddler how to stand quicker than the

[00:16:50] baby will be teaching tricks.

[00:16:52] Whatever it works.

[00:16:52] Yeah.

[00:16:52] Okay.

[00:16:53] So you have 150 million goats plus one just to, just to, to beat at the Indians.

[00:17:01] At their own game.

[00:17:03] Okay.

[00:17:04] I'm just wondering, did you steal all the goats from India?

[00:17:07] Is that like your big crime?

[00:17:08] But anyway, I do have a difficult question for the king dictator.

[00:17:12] Um, so your approval rating.

[00:17:14] I don't know if you know, but it's actually 91%.

[00:17:17] A lot of people like the king dictator.

[00:17:19] Yeah.

[00:17:20] Okay.

[00:17:21] Um, there's a bit of a difficulty though, because there's a scandal about to break out

[00:17:25] involving you.

[00:17:26] Um, you get to pick what the scandal is.

[00:17:29] Now the scandal is going to bring your approval rating down to 51%.

[00:17:32] Okay.

[00:17:33] Now it doesn't have to be murder.

[00:17:34] It doesn't have to be serious.

[00:17:35] It's a lighthearted entertainment podcast.

[00:17:37] What do you think it would be?

[00:17:38] So it turns out that I had been telling the people that the country no longer has any

[00:17:47] cheese because it's all gone rotten and whatever the case may be.

[00:17:50] Turns out I was hoarding all of the cheese in my gold mansion.

[00:17:55] So are you a cheese fiend?

[00:17:57] Yes, I am.

[00:17:58] Really?

[00:17:59] What's your favorite type?

[00:18:00] I just like cheddar.

[00:18:01] Yeah.

[00:18:01] Just straight up.

[00:18:02] Nothing fancy.

[00:18:03] Just off the block.

[00:18:04] The classic one.

[00:18:06] Um, God, I think, I think now I have a feeling my grand says that will listen to this episode

[00:18:11] and then say, the fuck is Kevin talking about?

[00:18:13] But I think Celine knows someone who may have connections to a Titan in the cheese industry.

[00:18:20] So I might be able to hook you up on a lot of cheese.

[00:18:22] Okay.

[00:18:23] Yeah.

[00:18:24] I'll see if I can do it.

[00:18:25] And I'm pretty sure they do cheddar.

[00:18:26] They must have.

[00:18:27] They're a big, big, big cheese person.

[00:18:29] But, um, okay.

[00:18:30] Fucking hell.

[00:18:31] You took all her cheese.

[00:18:32] All of it.

[00:18:33] Yeah.

[00:18:33] Why did you take it from?

[00:18:34] They all have goats.

[00:18:35] They could just make an endless supply of goat cheese.

[00:18:37] So that's, that's one of the laws is they're not allowed to make any cheese.

[00:18:41] Um, because there was like a listeria outbreak or there's some sort of something's wrong with

[00:18:45] the milk.

[00:18:46] And so we were like, Hey, no more cheese to be made, but it's because I was hoarding

[00:18:49] it.

[00:18:49] And I suppose cause your house is made of gold.

[00:18:52] You kind of just lined it up against the wall and nobody really told.

[00:18:54] They were like, yeah, that's just colored the gold.

[00:18:58] All of my furniture is made out of cheese.

[00:19:00] Like when you come in, it's like, Oh, a cheese couch and a cheese table, but nobody

[00:19:03] really asks questions and nobody really comes in there.

[00:19:05] So, you know, do you think a cheese chair is going to be good to sit on?

[00:19:09] I, uh, yes, because it comforts.

[00:19:11] It comforts.

[00:19:13] Yeah.

[00:19:13] Yeah.

[00:19:14] No comment.

[00:19:15] Okay.

[00:19:16] Well, a lot of people are pissed off at this, right?

[00:19:20] Your advisors are saying, look, I think you need to face the people go on to the night

[00:19:25] media news program, talk to the most respectable journalists in the country and face up to cheese

[00:19:30] gate.

[00:19:31] Right.

[00:19:32] Would you do that?

[00:19:33] No, I'm a king dictator.

[00:19:34] Oh, you're not, you're not giving them any answers.

[00:19:37] Nothing.

[00:19:38] Oh, well, okay.

[00:19:39] So what are we doing to like 51, 49% of people are not happy with this country anymore.

[00:19:45] Uh, I'm willing to accept those odds.

[00:19:47] Those numbers.

[00:19:48] It's fine.

[00:19:48] Is it like a battle?

[00:19:50] Yeah.

[00:19:51] I mean, what are they going to do?

[00:19:52] Vote me out?

[00:19:52] Probably not.

[00:19:53] So I'm not worried about it.

[00:19:54] I wonder.

[00:19:55] Yeah.

[00:19:55] Okay.

[00:19:55] So you're just ignoring, ignore the problem.

[00:19:58] Yes.

[00:19:58] And eat your cheese and your gold house.

[00:20:00] It didn't happen.

[00:20:01] Mm hmm.

[00:20:01] You crazy person.

[00:20:03] By the way.

[00:20:03] Yeah.

[00:20:03] And I'm, I'm going to do this.

[00:20:05] Am I right in saying you're married to a husband and stuff?

[00:20:08] Yes.

[00:20:08] Okay.

[00:20:08] So I was going to say, is your husband along for the rider?

[00:20:11] As he said, I'm not going to your weird gold house with your cheese fetish.

[00:20:15] Like I'm staying at home.

[00:20:18] Tell me when you're done.

[00:20:18] Uh, he's a pretty practical person.

[00:20:20] He's coming to the cheese house because he knows what's good for him.

[00:20:24] Yeah.

[00:20:25] Jesus.

[00:20:25] Okay.

[00:20:26] Uh, I don't know his name, but do, do as she says.

[00:20:30] That is a threat.

[00:20:33] Um, does laughter, but there's no smiling.

[00:20:35] And the video format of this.

[00:20:38] Um, okay.

[00:20:40] What, what kind of mundane everyday item is banned in your country?

[00:20:43] Oh, go ahead.

[00:20:44] Oh no.

[00:20:45] I missed whatever you just said.

[00:20:46] No, that's good.

[00:20:47] Um, what kind of mundane everyday item is banned in your country?

[00:20:52] We don't do chewing gum because people just put it on everything.

[00:20:56] So you don't do it.

[00:20:57] You don't make it or you don't eat it.

[00:20:59] You just don't.

[00:21:00] Uh, it's heavily regulated, so we don't make it.

[00:21:03] Yeah.

[00:21:03] But if we find that somebody has it straight to jail with the babies.

[00:21:07] We don't have to have babies fill in your prisons.

[00:21:12] That was your decision.

[00:21:13] Yeah.

[00:21:14] Um, all right.

[00:21:15] Straight into the baby prison, no matter what age you are.

[00:21:17] Um, okay.

[00:21:18] But that's not regulated.

[00:21:20] That's just banning outright.

[00:21:21] Right.

[00:21:22] Yeah.

[00:21:22] Yeah.

[00:21:23] I mean, we're not, we're not into, you know, common sense and empathy here.

[00:21:27] We're into corporal punishment.

[00:21:29] Yeah, but you're in charge of a government.

[00:21:30] You don't have time for that.

[00:21:31] Yeah.

[00:21:32] Um, if someone is a repeated, are they in prison for life?

[00:21:35] Uh, no, it's a year for the first offense.

[00:21:39] And then second offense.

[00:21:40] After the second offense, we take their goats.

[00:21:43] Oh shit.

[00:21:44] I know.

[00:21:45] It's tough.

[00:21:45] And they love their goats and go and they have nothing else.

[00:21:49] Um, what if there's a serial offender?

[00:21:52] Like they're in now for the 10th time.

[00:21:54] We, uh, take our offenders and we just put them in a boat and launch them.

[00:21:58] So now they're Sweden's problem.

[00:22:00] Straight for Sweden.

[00:22:00] You think Sweden are going to be happy about these weird gum chewing bastards showing

[00:22:04] up on their islands?

[00:22:07] I don't know.

[00:22:08] They're going to be really sticky.

[00:22:09] Good luck getting them off the boat, but.

[00:22:10] I can't tell if they have really strong jaws or really weak jaws, but something wrong

[00:22:15] with them.

[00:22:16] Um.

[00:22:16] Either way.

[00:22:17] Yeah.

[00:22:17] Okay.

[00:22:17] You might have to answer to Sweden.

[00:22:19] Proportionately sized compared to the rest of their face.

[00:22:21] That's fair enough.

[00:22:22] Okay.

[00:22:24] Um, back to your cheese.

[00:22:25] Uh, okay.

[00:22:27] But question.

[00:22:27] What is your favorite movie or like movie franchise?

[00:22:30] Uh, my favorite movie currently is Edwin, uh, Endgame.

[00:22:34] Avengers Endgame.

[00:22:34] Avengers Endgame.

[00:22:35] Um, okay.

[00:22:36] Just wondering.

[00:22:37] I always ask people at the start spot.

[00:22:39] He has broke free off.

[00:22:40] Um, do you know, after the, you know, the way there's 49% of people who aren't happy

[00:22:45] with it because of they have no cheese or gum, gum and cheese is all they wanted.

[00:22:51] Um, I think it'd be a good idea.

[00:22:53] If we maybe release some propaganda movie or documentary about you.

[00:22:57] Okay.

[00:22:58] Okay.

[00:22:58] Um, what should we do it on?

[00:23:00] Like what fantastical facts should we make up or say that you did or you are, or what

[00:23:05] do we tell people?

[00:23:05] Um, I think that if we can get people to buy in that I invented clouds, like I started

[00:23:12] them.

[00:23:12] I created the first one.

[00:23:14] None of them existed before I existed and I keep them in business.

[00:23:19] Okay.

[00:23:19] We can definitely do that.

[00:23:20] And the only thing I'd say is, I mean, there's a lot of dark clouds in Scandinavia.

[00:23:26] Okay.

[00:23:26] So, I mean, do we, do you want to be known as a person who's bringing dark clouds to

[00:23:30] the country?

[00:23:31] Yeah.

[00:23:32] Oh, so you're a vengeful king dictator.

[00:23:35] King dictator energy for sure.

[00:23:36] So when I'm angry, these come along.

[00:23:38] Yeah.

[00:23:39] And the odd night.

[00:23:39] It's basically like, don't piss me off.

[00:23:41] Otherwise the dark cloud, I control the clouds.

[00:23:43] Do you want to mess with me?

[00:23:44] Right.

[00:23:44] The slow moving clouds are on the way.

[00:23:47] Yeah.

[00:23:48] Take that.

[00:23:49] Take that.

[00:23:50] Take that.

[00:23:50] It takes fucking ages.

[00:23:52] Bench.

[00:23:53] Bench.

[00:23:53] And it's always the like streaky ones.

[00:23:55] Do you know the ones that are really far up in the sky?

[00:23:57] They're not the puffy ones.

[00:23:58] They're the streaky ones.

[00:24:00] Yeah.

[00:24:00] Do you know airlines think that they've defeated you when they go above the clouds?

[00:24:05] That's the only thing I'll say.

[00:24:07] Yeah.

[00:24:08] Yeah.

[00:24:08] I'm working on that.

[00:24:10] Yeah.

[00:24:10] Should we, should we imprison the airline people?

[00:24:12] Yeah.

[00:24:12] I'm contemplating building like a large in cloud net system so that no.

[00:24:18] Just like a dome of the cloud.

[00:24:19] Yeah.

[00:24:20] Or like a, like a, imagine like a butterfly net, but just larger.

[00:24:24] That will, yeah.

[00:24:25] The money, the money is just streaming out of this economy.

[00:24:28] It really is.

[00:24:29] Back shift.

[00:24:29] Yeah.

[00:24:30] You might as well build a giant flying swatter for a plane that gets too high.

[00:24:35] If, yeah.

[00:24:36] If my engineers are working on it.

[00:24:37] That's perfect.

[00:24:39] You know, okay.

[00:24:41] So there is a knock on your door of your office.

[00:24:44] Wait, do you have an office or are you working from home in the gold house?

[00:24:48] I work from home.

[00:24:49] Perfect.

[00:24:50] So at your gold house, there's a man knocking on your goal.

[00:24:53] I don't know what sound that makes, but ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[00:24:56] I feel like I should have people for that.

[00:24:58] People.

[00:24:58] Oh yeah.

[00:25:00] Do you know what?

[00:25:01] I would give you an applause, but it's late and I don't want to wake up my fiance.

[00:25:05] But you're the first person I think who has said, no, I have people to open this door.

[00:25:09] Right.

[00:25:09] They'll do that.

[00:25:10] So someone does open door.

[00:25:11] Hello.

[00:25:11] I'm Paul.

[00:25:12] I'm the person who handles the finance.

[00:25:14] Hello.

[00:25:15] Uh-oh.

[00:25:16] Oh, good.

[00:25:17] Okay.

[00:25:17] No, I was just checking the finances.

[00:25:19] Very good news.

[00:25:21] Um, good.

[00:25:22] Um, hello.

[00:25:23] King dictator.

[00:25:24] Hello.

[00:25:24] Hello.

[00:25:25] Um, we have a lot of money, a lot, a lot of money in the economy.

[00:25:29] We have a hundred billion surplus.

[00:25:32] Okay.

[00:25:32] Now the citizens to 51%, they would really like if they could build you something like

[00:25:39] a monument, but they're not very creative to be honest.

[00:25:42] So you, I think you know this, um, any ideas what they should be able to do?

[00:25:45] I could envision me riding a goat holding a wheel of cheese.

[00:25:50] Like into battle.

[00:25:50] That would, yes.

[00:25:52] Like my, like a sword in one hand and a wheel of brie in the other.

[00:25:56] Sweet.

[00:25:57] And just, just the designers are coming along with a suggestion.

[00:26:01] Do you want us to also build some sort of cloud above you that's raining cheddar

[00:26:05] because cheddar is your favorite.

[00:26:07] I think that would be reasonable.

[00:26:09] Yeah.

[00:26:09] I think that's a normal common sense answer to.

[00:26:11] Yeah.

[00:26:12] Um, what are we making this out of?

[00:26:13] A lot of gold.

[00:26:14] I like marble.

[00:26:15] Marble.

[00:26:16] Good.

[00:26:17] Yes.

[00:26:17] So just put marble on the whole day.

[00:26:19] And this is big though.

[00:26:20] We're like, we're resuming Statue of Liberty.

[00:26:22] Yes.

[00:26:22] Naturally.

[00:26:23] It's not bigger, but if that's all you can do.

[00:26:25] Well, that's 300 feet, but you want more.

[00:26:27] I think 300 feet.

[00:26:28] You want about 500 feet.

[00:26:29] We make it twice the size of it.

[00:26:30] Oh, I lost you.

[00:26:31] Oh, sorry.

[00:26:32] Yeah.

[00:26:32] I think it stopped for a second.

[00:26:33] You can hear me now?

[00:26:33] Oh, can you hear me?

[00:26:34] Okay.

[00:26:35] Yes.

[00:26:35] Oh yes.

[00:26:36] Okay.

[00:26:36] We're back.

[00:26:37] Um, so we'd make it over 300 feet and you'll be fine.

[00:26:40] Yeah.

[00:26:40] Perfect.

[00:26:41] Okay.

[00:26:41] Um, there is an email for you while he goes off doing that.

[00:26:45] There's an email for us.

[00:26:45] Another good news.

[00:26:47] Um, they are thinking, uh, Marvel are thinking of making another movie shocker for making another

[00:26:53] Avengers movie.

[00:26:54] Okay.

[00:26:55] They were wondering, would you like to play a cameo in next Avengers movie?

[00:26:59] Yes.

[00:27:00] I think I am very suitable as Captain America.

[00:27:03] I think that.

[00:27:04] Oh, you just want to take away Sam Wilson's role.

[00:27:06] My energy.

[00:27:07] Yes.

[00:27:07] Okay.

[00:27:08] Um, yeah, no, we, we are starting it as, um, uh, the next Avengers movie.

[00:27:12] It's called new Avengers.

[00:27:15] Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure there are new Avengers, but this is a new, new Avengers.

[00:27:20] Um, all right.

[00:27:21] So you're going to just be the new Captain America.

[00:27:22] Now we're just going to have a little scene where it's Sam Wilson, who naturally has an Irish

[00:27:27] accent.

[00:27:28] Right.

[00:27:28] Yeah.

[00:27:29] Um, who is going back home after some bullies bullied him and saying, I'm getting my shield.

[00:27:36] I've got a new shield.

[00:27:37] And I presume that's where you come in and take the shield or how would you do it?

[00:27:40] Um, so I think what the way I envision it is we're going all the way back to like, it was

[00:27:48] as if he never existed and they're just going to put me in the role and not talk about it.

[00:27:54] So we're just acting like I'm, I've always been new, new, new.

[00:27:59] Oh, so we're just completely right now.

[00:28:01] The Falcon.

[00:28:02] Yeah.

[00:28:02] Just doesn't just, it's a non issue.

[00:28:05] It's a non event.

[00:28:05] That was part of my contract was I didn't want to have to deal with.

[00:28:08] I know we really need to make this movie with you in it.

[00:28:10] So yeah, no, we are weird.

[00:28:11] We're doing this for some reason.

[00:28:12] Disney has lost the plot.

[00:28:14] Um, the, the, the, uh, Falcon and the Winter Soldier series did so poorly that they are

[00:28:21] panicked.

[00:28:21] Okay.

[00:28:22] Um, so for this scene where you show up, um, who do you think you'd be battling against?

[00:28:29] Who'd be your villain?

[00:28:29] I think, uh, Thanos is the only available choice.

[00:28:33] Yeah.

[00:28:34] The guy who recently died.

[00:28:35] Yeah.

[00:28:35] He, he was.

[00:28:36] Yeah.

[00:28:36] Um, okay.

[00:28:38] Zombie Thanos.

[00:28:40] Okay.

[00:28:41] Who of course speaks with an Irish accent.

[00:28:42] Obviously.

[00:28:43] Yes.

[00:28:44] So there is a, uh, uh, I imagine there's like a dream sequence cause everyone loves that.

[00:28:49] It's very beginning of movie, right?

[00:28:51] You're sitting there.

[00:28:52] You are clearly Captain America.

[00:28:54] Um, do you have wings like Captain America?

[00:28:57] The new one?

[00:28:58] No, you're not going to, you don't want to fly.

[00:28:59] That never happened.

[00:29:01] Okay.

[00:29:02] Yeah.

[00:29:02] What's the gold's name?

[00:29:03] I presume that's kitted out like, like America.

[00:29:05] Yeah.

[00:29:06] We'll call him blue.

[00:29:07] Blue.

[00:29:08] Blue the goat.

[00:29:09] Yep.

[00:29:10] Sounds like a euphemism.

[00:29:11] I don't know.

[00:29:12] I'm not sure.

[00:29:14] I might get past the Marvel sensors, but okay.

[00:29:16] Okay.

[00:29:17] So as you know, blue the goat is voiced by Jack Black who has an Irish accent.

[00:29:22] Right.

[00:29:23] You're okay with that?

[00:29:23] Yeah.

[00:29:24] Okay.

[00:29:25] So, uh, my God.

[00:29:27] Okay.

[00:29:27] We're just going to start this scene.

[00:29:28] Uh, what's your name in this?

[00:29:30] Is it just Christina?

[00:29:31] You can call me captain.

[00:29:32] Oh, captain, captain, captain, captain, uh, get off your yacht of gold.

[00:29:36] You have a gold yacht, right?

[00:29:37] Okay.

[00:29:38] Yeah.

[00:29:39] Um, there's terrible news.

[00:29:40] Thanos is back.

[00:29:41] He's not just Thanos.

[00:29:42] He's a zombie Thanos, which means he's less intelligent, which is better for some reason.

[00:29:47] What do we do?

[00:29:48] I lost you again.

[00:29:49] Right.

[00:29:49] As you started talking, you're super delayed.

[00:29:51] Oh, perfect.

[00:29:52] Tell me, hit me with the line again.

[00:29:53] Okay.

[00:29:53] This is the line reading.

[00:29:54] Get off your gold yacht.

[00:29:56] Okay.

[00:29:57] Uh, Thanos is back, but he's a zombie now, which means he's less intelligent, which means

[00:30:02] he's more dangerous.

[00:30:03] Okay.

[00:30:04] What do we do?

[00:30:04] He's attacking Goatland and all the goats.

[00:30:07] We must save our people.

[00:30:09] No shit.

[00:30:10] Oh, sorry.

[00:30:11] Quickly.

[00:30:12] Uh, collect the goat food and we will carry on to kill zombie Thanos.

[00:30:18] Right.

[00:30:18] Collect the goat food.

[00:30:20] Do you mean the food that we feed the goats with?

[00:30:22] Yes.

[00:30:23] What do you feed goats with?

[00:30:24] Uh, trash.

[00:30:26] So collect the trash is what you're saying.

[00:30:28] Yes.

[00:30:28] Right.

[00:30:29] So we'll jump into dumpster.

[00:30:31] Uh, what the fuck do you call them?

[00:30:33] The trucks, garbage trucks.

[00:30:35] Yep.

[00:30:36] We'll pack up the garbage trucks.

[00:30:38] We'll collect our goats.

[00:30:39] Perfect.

[00:30:40] They will, they will be our soldiers to war against zombie Thanos, but he's just going

[00:30:44] to eat them alive.

[00:30:45] Literally.

[00:30:45] He will eat them alive.

[00:30:47] So when I say soldiers, I sort of mean that we're just going to throw them as like a

[00:30:52] sacrifice essentially.

[00:30:54] So we're going to overwhelm the zombie.

[00:30:56] Yeah.

[00:30:56] Yeah.

[00:30:56] Jesus.

[00:30:57] You're not battling him at all.

[00:30:58] You're just going to feed them.

[00:30:59] Right.

[00:31:00] I don't really know how to win against a zombie, but I'm assuming that when I get over there,

[00:31:05] I'll be able to do some sort of Captain America.

[00:31:07] Jiu Jitsu.

[00:31:08] No, you would a zombie.

[00:31:09] You attack the head.

[00:31:10] You confuse them with logic.

[00:31:12] Like that's just, everyone knows that.

[00:31:13] Right?

[00:31:13] So you go after the zombie with your shield and you say Jiu Jitsu.

[00:31:17] How come there's no Christian zoo and then Jitsu, whichever.

[00:31:22] And that'll confuse them.

[00:31:24] Exactly.

[00:31:24] Yeah.

[00:31:25] That's, that's my mastery.

[00:31:27] So you're just going to kill all.

[00:31:28] Are you sure you like goats?

[00:31:31] Yeah.

[00:31:32] They're a, they're a blessing and a curse, right?

[00:31:34] Why a curse?

[00:31:35] We're trying to make, we're trying to make the best of a bad situation because they also

[00:31:38] eat everything.

[00:31:39] They eat all the vegetation that they're around.

[00:31:41] Ah, they're bastards.

[00:31:42] Yes.

[00:31:43] Okay.

[00:31:43] Okay.

[00:31:44] Great movie.

[00:31:44] I love that.

[00:31:45] It really should have had goat in the title, but new Avengers it is.

[00:31:49] Um, there is a knock on your door again.

[00:31:51] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[00:31:52] Okay.

[00:31:53] Ding, ding.

[00:31:53] Oh, someone has let you in just by your office now.

[00:31:56] Ding, ding, ding, ding.

[00:31:57] Hello?

[00:31:58] People?

[00:31:58] Oh, for me to get it?

[00:32:00] Yeah.

[00:32:01] Ding, ding, ding.

[00:32:02] Hello, hello, hello.

[00:32:03] It's Paul again.

[00:32:03] Hello.

[00:32:04] Hello.

[00:32:06] I am going on holiday, right?

[00:32:08] I am going to Suriname for nine weeks.

[00:32:13] Um, I've saved up my holiday hours.

[00:32:14] I just want to let you know we have built whatever the fuck.

[00:32:17] Oh, the Marvel statue of you.

[00:32:19] We built that.

[00:32:19] It's looking wonderful.

[00:32:20] We built a little park around it.

[00:32:22] People are loving it.

[00:32:23] Fantastic.

[00:32:24] Um, I'm going to go on my holidays.

[00:32:26] That's all right.

[00:32:27] If you don't need me for anything.

[00:32:28] Okay.

[00:32:28] Just before I go, um, I did check the finances again.

[00:32:31] It turns out there was a minus sign in front of the 100 billion.

[00:32:34] So we're actually, we were actually in debt by a hundred billion.

[00:32:36] We're actually spending about another 50 billion on that big statue.

[00:32:40] Cause it's a lot of money.

[00:32:41] So we're 150 billion in debt.

[00:32:43] So you're probably going to need to figure out how to make more money.

[00:32:46] Anyway, I'm off to go on holidays.

[00:32:48] See you later.

[00:32:49] Bye.

[00:32:49] Paul leaves.

[00:32:50] Any ideas?

[00:32:51] Um, I feel like Paul at this point deserves a beheading because that's a

[00:32:54] pretty big mistake to make.

[00:32:57] A beheading?

[00:32:58] Yeah.

[00:32:58] Really?

[00:32:59] I didn't think you'd go for that sort of behavior.

[00:33:02] Um, listen, King dictator is on a short fuse.

[00:33:04] So that was a long movie.

[00:33:08] It was a long filming process.

[00:33:10] Are you doing the beheading?

[00:33:11] No, I have no, you're not.

[00:33:13] Yeah.

[00:33:14] Okay.

[00:33:15] Uh, I mean, it was okay.

[00:33:17] In his defense, the screen had a smudge and he didn't see the minus.

[00:33:23] Uh, well, he'll see it even less without a head.

[00:33:26] Without a head.

[00:33:26] Okay.

[00:33:27] So we were killing them off.

[00:33:28] Yep.

[00:33:28] I mean, he's a single father.

[00:33:30] That's he's, he has nine kids.

[00:33:32] He has nine kids.

[00:33:33] He has nine kids.

[00:33:34] Yeah.

[00:33:34] And I mean, he doesn't just have nine kids.

[00:33:36] He has 135 goals.

[00:33:37] Well, actually 150.

[00:33:39] Yes.

[00:33:39] Include himself.

[00:33:40] So yeah, he should have made better choices.

[00:33:43] All right.

[00:33:43] Those nine kids.

[00:33:44] What are we doing with them?

[00:33:45] They might, uh, prison.

[00:33:47] Yeah.

[00:33:48] Are they taking care of the ghost after this?

[00:33:50] Probably not going to be able to know their, their, what?

[00:33:53] Nine tuplets, whatever that is.

[00:33:55] They're two years old.

[00:33:56] Do you want to behead them?

[00:33:57] Is that easier?

[00:33:58] No.

[00:33:58] Oh, okay.

[00:33:59] Yeah.

[00:33:59] You're benevolent.

[00:34:00] Okay.

[00:34:00] Straight to jail.

[00:34:01] Okay.

[00:34:01] For potentially whatever it is, 15 months.

[00:34:04] Right.

[00:34:05] So Paul is dead.

[00:34:06] Yep.

[00:34:06] Okay.

[00:34:06] What are we going to do for money?

[00:34:08] I need a new financial person.

[00:34:09] Uh, Mariah is here.

[00:34:12] Okay.

[00:34:13] Great.

[00:34:16] Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11.

[00:34:18] Just to make sure we're all on the same page.

[00:34:20] I've cleaned it.

[00:34:21] Um, Oh, wait a minute.

[00:34:23] Yeah, no, sorry.

[00:34:24] It says you're a hundred billion in surplus.

[00:34:27] There was a smudge.

[00:34:28] It just looked like a minus.

[00:34:29] Can we get a second set of eyes over here to just make sure that that's.

[00:34:31] Do you want to look at it?

[00:34:32] Yeah, no, it does genuinely, it does say a hundred billion.

[00:34:35] There was a smudge that looked like a minus sign, but that's fine.

[00:34:37] All right.

[00:34:38] Yeah.

[00:34:38] All right.

[00:34:38] Well, don't be like Paul.

[00:34:40] Who's Paul?

[00:34:42] Are you going to go to his funeral?

[00:34:43] Maybe say a few words.

[00:34:44] No.

[00:34:45] Oh, right.

[00:34:46] Okay.

[00:34:47] I have a feed.

[00:34:48] Okay.

[00:34:49] Um, I don't, I don't do death very well.

[00:34:51] It's kind of gross.

[00:34:51] You just beheaded someone.

[00:34:53] I didn't.

[00:34:54] You do it very well.

[00:34:55] You just gave the order.

[00:34:56] There was a proclamation.

[00:34:58] Um, I'm just wondering, I have to be honest, Jed, there is some bad news.

[00:35:01] Oh, all right.

[00:35:02] Uh, there was a coup attempt.

[00:35:04] And when I say even an attempt, they are after taking over about half the island.

[00:35:07] Okay.

[00:35:07] Um, they're backed by Sweden in conjunction with a lot of gum, gum eating fanatics.

[00:35:13] Gum chewing.

[00:35:14] Gum chewers.

[00:35:15] Okay.

[00:35:16] Yeah.

[00:35:16] Gum chewers is what we call them.

[00:35:18] It's also another name for zombies and like walking dead.

[00:35:21] And, and about 49% of the country has taken over about 50% of the country.

[00:35:27] What are we going to do?

[00:35:29] They are looking to get rid of you.

[00:35:31] All right.

[00:35:32] Is that their, their only demand is to get rid of me or can we talk about that?

[00:35:34] Get you out of there.

[00:35:35] Yeah.

[00:35:35] All right.

[00:35:36] What are they not like?

[00:35:37] What do don't, what don't they like?

[00:35:39] What don't they like about me?

[00:35:40] Oh.

[00:35:40] Not mentioning Paul.

[00:35:42] What else?

[00:35:43] You, you stole all the cheese.

[00:35:45] Okay.

[00:35:45] And you won't let them eat gum.

[00:35:47] Allegedly.

[00:35:48] And you got rid of Sam Wilson, their favorite Marvel character.

[00:35:51] Right.

[00:35:51] And you didn't acknowledge them on social media.

[00:35:57] Oh, I didn't accept their friend request.

[00:35:59] Yeah.

[00:35:59] No, no, no, no.

[00:36:00] I didn't follow them back.

[00:36:01] Okay.

[00:36:02] Are they intimidated by the clouds or no, this is not a.

[00:36:06] They're, they're entertained by them.

[00:36:08] All right.

[00:36:08] Yeah.

[00:36:09] I don't know what that means either.

[00:36:10] I'm confused.

[00:36:12] Are they willing to negotiate?

[00:36:14] As long as they get to behead you.

[00:36:15] Yes.

[00:36:16] All right.

[00:36:16] I don't know that that's much of a negotiation.

[00:36:19] So my plan is going to be to use the goats.

[00:36:23] Yeah.

[00:36:24] For obvious reasons.

[00:36:26] Yeah.

[00:36:26] Um, I just don't know how yet.

[00:36:28] We're just, we're just going to have to do a little strategy.

[00:36:31] I don't know if you could bring in like a tactician or like a board game of risk or something for us to like figure out.

[00:36:36] This might not, this may spawn off to another episode where we pay risk.

[00:36:42] I can't really just, uh, acquiesce to the beheading situation.

[00:36:46] I don't think you should.

[00:36:47] I'm going to have to work on something.

[00:36:49] Yeah.

[00:36:49] Um, and so I can either kill them all, which you're making me feel sort of guilty for the whole Paul situation, but I can either kill them all.

[00:36:56] That's up to you.

[00:36:57] You're grand.

[00:36:58] And we can have some sort of, um, negotiation situation.

[00:37:02] I could also contemplate just cutting the island in half physically.

[00:37:05] Oh, and kicking it off towards Sweden.

[00:37:08] You're right.

[00:37:08] Yeah.

[00:37:08] It's another them problem, which you think you're more inclined to kill half your population or cut off half your island.

[00:37:16] I think I'm going to murder her mom.

[00:37:17] Yeah.

[00:37:17] Because if you cut off half the island, you're cutting off the part of the island that has the best cinema.

[00:37:23] Exactly.

[00:37:24] Yeah.

[00:37:24] I can't risk losing that.

[00:37:25] Nah.

[00:37:26] So you're just going to kill them all over there that I really like.

[00:37:28] Like, why would I just?

[00:37:29] Car wash?

[00:37:30] Right.

[00:37:30] What?

[00:37:31] Who's ever said, Oh, a car wash?

[00:37:33] Is that genuinely like, do you have genuinely in your, in your life?

[00:37:38] Do you have a, Oh, I like that car wash.

[00:37:40] I do not.

[00:37:40] Okay.

[00:37:41] For the purposes of the show.

[00:37:43] You do.

[00:37:44] Car wash is on the other side of that.

[00:37:45] I take everything here literally.

[00:37:46] And I assume this is all part of your life.

[00:37:48] That you love gold.

[00:37:49] You love cheese.

[00:37:50] You love clouds.

[00:37:52] So you're killing half them.

[00:37:54] Yeah.

[00:37:54] We'll use the gold.

[00:37:55] They're not willing to negotiate.

[00:37:56] Listen, there's not much I can do.

[00:37:58] I'm sure, I'm sure goats are deadly.

[00:38:00] Right?

[00:38:00] You can, you can, you can train them.

[00:38:03] Yeah.

[00:38:03] I feel like I'm going to train them in some sort of karate ninja moves where.

[00:38:08] You're mad for the karate.

[00:38:09] Karate.

[00:38:10] It's very like, uh, like holistic, you know, I'm not trying to go in and like,

[00:38:15] like mow them down with guns.

[00:38:17] I want them to be able to like fight their way through it.

[00:38:19] You know, I, I tried to look up how many people get killed by goats every year.

[00:38:25] Okay.

[00:38:25] You know, thinking this, this may not, I may not yield results, but I did find something else.

[00:38:31] Okay.

[00:38:31] And the first sentence is just each year over 6,000 people are traumatized by goats in the United States alone.

[00:38:39] So you could just psychologically break them.

[00:38:41] Oh, Oh, you don't even have to kill them.

[00:38:43] Perfect.

[00:38:44] Yeah.

[00:38:44] I want it to be like a, uh, mind games where their mind melding, where they're like into their brain.

[00:38:51] Like the Riddler in that old Batman movie, where he just completely fixed her mind.

[00:38:55] Cause you're going to have at least conservatively 50 million of those goats going out, causing terror.

[00:39:01] It'd be like Scarecrow and Batman.

[00:39:02] Yes.

[00:39:03] I want it to feel like, uh, Alfred Hitchcock's the birds, but we're just everywhere.

[00:39:09] Mm.

[00:39:09] So you're going to mentally break these terrorists.

[00:39:12] Yes.

[00:39:13] And then sweep in and, and try to not throw them into the ocean or back to Sweden.

[00:39:16] Mm.

[00:39:17] Gosh.

[00:39:17] Oh, this is beautiful.

[00:39:18] Back to bubblegum land.

[00:39:19] Yeah.

[00:39:19] Back to bubblegum.

[00:39:20] You call it bubblegum land.

[00:39:22] Yeah.

[00:39:24] Said dismissively of Sweden.

[00:39:27] Fucking bubblegum land.

[00:39:30] Um, okay.

[00:39:31] That's fantastic.

[00:39:32] I mean, they're just averted like millions of deaths.

[00:39:34] I mean, they're broken inside, but this is, it's wonderful.

[00:39:37] Right.

[00:39:37] Um, okay.

[00:39:38] They'll all need therapy, but they can deal with that.

[00:39:41] And they can, I'm sure Sweden has a wonderful therapy.

[00:39:44] I'm going to write a note so that I Google goat trauma after that.

[00:39:48] Goat trauma.

[00:39:49] Like it's weird.

[00:39:50] That's the first thing that came up.

[00:39:52] How many people like, I mean, look, I, okay.

[00:39:55] I don't want to mock, but the first website is called the childhood goat trauma foundation.

[00:40:04] Yeah.

[00:40:05] I envision goats that are like bullying kids that are like telling them that they have

[00:40:11] big teeth or this can't be true.

[00:40:14] Fucking hell.

[00:40:15] No.

[00:40:15] Can I read, sorry.

[00:40:16] Can I read out the bullet points on this?

[00:40:19] Each year over 6,000 people are traumatized by goats in the United States alone.

[00:40:22] I've only read the second one.

[00:40:23] I haven't read the rest of them.

[00:40:24] If number two, if a child is traumatized by a goat before the age of five, he or she

[00:40:29] is five times more like, he or she is five times more likely to become some form of social deviant.

[00:40:40] I would love to hear that at like a sentencing in front of a judge, like judge, I'm sorry.

[00:40:46] As a child.

[00:40:47] It explains so much.

[00:40:51] But like, I think I think Ted Bundy was actually a victim of a goat's financial fraud when

[00:40:58] he was three years old.

[00:40:59] That's the thing that's really about his biography.

[00:41:01] Number three, if treatment is received promptly, many, many of the extremely damaging effects

[00:41:05] of a goat trauma can be cured.

[00:41:07] Is that, is goat an acronym for something?

[00:41:10] Like, are we talking about an animal?

[00:41:12] No, it has a picture of a goat while a drawing of a goat on it.

[00:41:15] When given a choice, four out of five goats will attack, will attack a child before attacking

[00:41:20] either another goat or an adult.

[00:41:24] Oh, this is fucking ridiculous.

[00:41:26] Who made this shit?

[00:41:28] I liked that they were testing it.

[00:41:29] They were like, all right, let's give it a shot.

[00:41:31] Okay.

[00:41:31] That's number one.

[00:41:32] We got to test four more.

[00:41:34] Majority of goat trauma occur between age eight and age 52.

[00:41:38] So I'm right in the middle of this.

[00:41:41] You better watch.

[00:41:43] Yeah.

[00:41:44] That's mad.

[00:41:45] And yeah.

[00:41:46] Okay.

[00:41:46] There, there you go.

[00:41:46] I'll send you the link.

[00:41:48] You can read all about it.

[00:41:50] Sorry.

[00:41:51] We got off topic, but I do have two last questions for you.

[00:41:55] They're potentially not goat related.

[00:41:56] Um, secondly, because of the whole coup attempt that to be honest, you expertly dodged and

[00:42:03] kept control of the whole country and you got rid of potentially dodgy people.

[00:42:07] Um, your advisors think that you should have maybe some sort of photo op, probably because

[00:42:12] of the whole Paul, Paul murder thing as well, because people were fond of him.

[00:42:15] Um, okay.

[00:42:17] Would you do a photo op just to instill a bit more, you know, happiness in the people

[00:42:21] showing you're in charge?

[00:42:22] What type would you do?

[00:42:23] So I'm thinking of some sort of like Fabio S.

[00:42:28] Um, I would like to be riding something, maybe a Pegasus if we could track one of those

[00:42:33] down.

[00:42:33] Um, and I would like to be shirtless, but I need some sort of, uh, breastplate or something

[00:42:39] that makes me look like you want Greek goddess sort of.

[00:42:42] Um, and I'm going to play a trumpet.

[00:42:44] Oh, like, like the big tuba ones or no, just a, yeah.

[00:42:48] Uh, no, maybe bugle.

[00:42:51] Oh yeah.

[00:42:52] Yeah.

[00:42:53] And where are you riding to?

[00:42:54] Hold on a minute.

[00:42:54] Where, like, where are we?

[00:42:55] It's just for the photo op, which just, um, in the clouds.

[00:42:59] Yeah.

[00:42:59] Ah, but we're not explaining like, here's you going off to the car wash or anything like

[00:43:04] that.

[00:43:04] We're just, no, I just want to look powerful.

[00:43:07] Like I want them to look at that and be like, yes.

[00:43:09] Yeah.

[00:43:10] Yeah.

[00:43:10] Yeah.

[00:43:12] Um, okay.

[00:43:12] That's good.

[00:43:13] Yeah.

[00:43:13] We'll stick some wings on a horse.

[00:43:15] We'll graft them on.

[00:43:15] It'll be fine.

[00:43:16] Staple them on.

[00:43:17] Yeah.

[00:43:17] Whatever you insist on doing.

[00:43:20] That is absolutely fine.

[00:43:22] We'll, we'll, um, tape a load of goats together to look like a horse.

[00:43:25] Whatever you want.

[00:43:27] Um, paper mache over the top of it.

[00:43:29] Paper mache over the top of it.

[00:43:30] Got it.

[00:43:31] I do not support animal cruelty on this.

[00:43:34] Um, okay.

[00:43:36] I have a final question.

[00:43:37] Okay.

[00:43:38] Because the country is running so well, you're not going to have many issues.

[00:43:41] Um, but at a certain point in time, you probably need to consider, you need to figure out who's

[00:43:47] going to be the heir, who's going to take charge when you, when you stop being in charge.

[00:43:52] Right.

[00:43:52] Okay.

[00:43:52] The only limitation I put on it is that has to be someone who is alive now.

[00:43:56] So it can't be like a hypothetical great, great grandson.

[00:44:00] Okay.

[00:44:00] All right.

[00:44:00] So who would you announce or how would you announce it to the people that this person's

[00:44:05] in charge next after me?

[00:44:06] And who would you be?

[00:44:07] I'm thinking we should do some sort of Willy Wonka as golden ticket situation in the house.

[00:44:13] Uh, does it have to be in the house?

[00:44:15] Cause that's no, no, no, no city.

[00:44:16] Yeah.

[00:44:17] In the whole city.

[00:44:17] Once I'm, once I'm gone, I don't care.

[00:44:19] So I'm going to put it out to the whole island.

[00:44:22] And whoever, whoever finds my, um, hand drawn picture of a goat.

[00:44:27] Are you a good drawer?

[00:44:28] I'm a candy bar.

[00:44:29] I'm a terrible drawer.

[00:44:30] All right.

[00:44:30] Will it look like a goat?

[00:44:33] It'll be the only one that has a drawing in it.

[00:44:35] So they'll have to use their imagination.

[00:44:36] Any chance.

[00:44:37] And obviously you're not, but like, is there any chance you have a piece of paper and

[00:44:41] pen right beside you?

[00:44:42] There is.

[00:44:43] Can you draw a goat?

[00:44:44] All right.

[00:44:44] Here we go.

[00:44:45] Hold on.

[00:44:45] If I had one, I would do one as well.

[00:44:48] Do you want me to do one as well?

[00:44:49] And we'd compare goats.

[00:44:51] Yes.

[00:44:51] Okay.

[00:44:51] One sec.

[00:44:52] I'll get it.

[00:44:52] I'll get a pen and paper.

[00:44:55] Okay.

[00:44:56] I will do one now and it will be quick and I will not be tracing anything.

[00:45:02] Um, but I'm definitely looking at my little goat guy.

[00:45:05] Oh wait.

[00:45:05] Okay.

[00:45:06] It's a gold guy.

[00:45:07] Okay.

[00:45:07] Yeah.

[00:45:08] My little sound effect.

[00:45:09] And yeah, this could be, um, a chupacabra could, could be a goat or to tell tall jackrabbit.

[00:45:16] Wait, do we have, okay.

[00:45:18] And I need to put some personality on him.

[00:45:21] Um, so she have a, okay.

[00:45:24] This fellow went to war.

[00:45:25] Yeah.

[00:45:27] Right.

[00:45:28] I'm done actually.

[00:45:29] All right.

[00:45:30] Okay.

[00:45:31] What's my, Bella?

[00:45:31] Oh, okay.

[00:45:32] Look at yours.

[00:45:33] Yours is actually.

[00:45:34] Yeah.

[00:45:34] My.

[00:45:35] Yeah.

[00:45:36] Open.

[00:45:37] Open to.

[00:45:37] Oh God.

[00:45:38] Oh yeah.

[00:45:40] Yeah.

[00:45:40] That's not good.

[00:45:41] I think, I think you're saved by the ears.

[00:45:45] Yeah.

[00:45:45] We're supposed to be horns.

[00:45:47] And then I was like, oh shit, there's no ears on it.

[00:45:50] So you just true in any, wherever they go.

[00:45:53] Yeah.

[00:45:53] It was, he's having a time right now.

[00:45:55] Yeah.

[00:45:55] Yeah.

[00:45:56] And he is kind of staring up at the clouds as if what are they?

[00:45:59] Okay.

[00:45:59] Like he's the, he's the only one on the island terrified of the clouds.

[00:46:03] Right.

[00:46:03] Yeah.

[00:46:04] One goes for all that.

[00:46:07] Um, okay.

[00:46:09] So anyone who finds that becomes the leader.

[00:46:12] Right.

[00:46:12] And what are you doing?

[00:46:13] Are you staying on the island when they become the leader?

[00:46:15] Cause I hate to tell you, but it's one of the kids who came out and who was traumatized.

[00:46:19] So we now know is five times more likely to be a deviant.

[00:46:24] So.

[00:46:25] Damn it.

[00:46:25] Foiled again.

[00:46:26] Uh, no, he can't take over here.

[00:46:28] She can't take over until I kick the bucket, but, uh, I suspect they're probably going to try to murder me.

[00:46:33] Yeah.

[00:46:34] I mean, you have a very dodgy house.

[00:46:36] One like.

[00:46:37] Yeah.

[00:46:38] One strike of lightning.

[00:46:39] One strike of lightning.

[00:46:40] Does lightning strike cold?

[00:46:42] I don't know.

[00:46:43] We'll find out.

[00:46:44] I gotta imagine it conducts.

[00:46:46] Yeah.

[00:46:46] Maybe.

[00:46:47] I don't know.

[00:46:47] But even if they back into the, if they back their bicycle into the house, it'll knock over.

[00:46:52] Let alone.

[00:46:53] Strong wind.

[00:46:54] I don't know.

[00:46:55] Gold's pretty heavy.

[00:46:56] It might make it.

[00:46:57] Yeah.

[00:46:58] Um.

[00:46:58] It's like a igloo.

[00:46:59] But you're happy to have given a ticket to a deviant who is probably going to want to kill you.

[00:47:04] You'll stay on the island anyway.

[00:47:06] Yeah.

[00:47:07] And your husband will be forced to.

[00:47:08] I'm in charge.

[00:47:09] Okay.

[00:47:09] And at that point, you'll have your husband standing in front of you at all times.

[00:47:13] Yeah.

[00:47:14] Just in case.

[00:47:15] He'll try all my food first and then just make sure.

[00:47:18] Yeah.

[00:47:18] Everything like that.

[00:47:19] And you'll be fine.

[00:47:20] Okay.

[00:47:21] Wonderful.

[00:47:21] So you're happy with that?

[00:47:23] Yeah.

[00:47:23] Okay.

[00:47:23] Yeah.

[00:47:24] Pretty good.

[00:47:24] You're not going to be like scared.

[00:47:26] No.

[00:47:27] Yeah.

[00:47:28] Fucking nerves of steel or gold.

[00:47:31] Um.

[00:47:31] Nerves of gold.

[00:47:33] Okay.

[00:47:33] King dictator.

[00:47:35] Thank you, Christina, for being a wonderful tyrant filled with gold, entertaining stuff.

[00:47:40] Um, where do people find you online with the podcast and everything else?

[00:47:44] Um, I have a website where everything can run through.

[00:47:47] It's wisecrackingblonde.com or if you just want to find me on social media, everything

[00:47:50] is just wisecrackingblonde.

[00:47:52] So I'm on Instagram.

[00:47:52] I'm on TikTok.

[00:47:53] I'm on Facebook.

[00:47:54] I'm on Twitter.

[00:47:55] All of them.

[00:47:56] Yeah.

[00:47:57] Um, hurry.

[00:47:58] And, uh, first of all, thank you to everyone who is listening to this.

[00:48:02] And, um, I do have to ask if, before you kick the bucket and you're now safe, is

[00:48:08] there any final words you'd give to your, your citizens?

[00:48:12] Like any words of advice or anything you've learned, anything you want to impart?

[00:48:15] Um, as a vengeful King dictator.

[00:48:19] Yeah.

[00:48:19] I'm not trying to be helpful in my last moment.

[00:48:22] So I would really leave them with, um, well, since you pissed me off, I ran the clouds down

[00:48:27] on you.

[00:48:28] And then, I mean, I was gonna say you live, you live, you live to the glorious age of

[00:48:32] 104.

[00:48:33] And yet you're still pissed off and unhappy with the world.

[00:48:36] Yes.

[00:48:37] Beautiful.

[00:48:37] Okay.

[00:48:38] That's a wonderful way to end the podcast.

[00:48:39] Rain date by clouds.

[00:48:41] Um, bye everyone.

[00:48:43] Yeah.

[00:48:43] I'm really glad I could contribute to your happy comedy podcast.

[00:48:46] Yeah.

[00:48:47] Yeah.